Subject: Nasty Saviars

Date: 10 Oct 1998 00:00:00 GMT

From: (Mumthra)

Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu

Newsgroups: alt.foot.fat-free





Spunky's been a little twitchy for the last two days. I had embraced

the hypothesis that she was getting thin-skinned because a virus was

working on stealing her voice. She's not progressing into real

laryngitis, but has developed a huskiness that goes beyond the usual

scream damage of the average day.


The other probable cause for her skittishness is our wee neighbor,

Dirk. Dirk has been downright creepy lately, and he even attacked both

Sparky and Spunky recently. I think Kindergarten has not been a kind,

gardenly experience for Dirk, but whatever is bugging HIM, it has

caused a bloom in his asshole impulses. The incident of greatest Dirk

infamy is still fresh in her mind, I'm sure.


Sparky took the brunt of the abuse when she tried to retrieve one of

her toys by putting her arm through a hole in his backyard fence. Dirk

kicked her and dragged her away by her hair yelling, "Get offa my

property!" Spunky dove into the fight and suffered lesser humiliation,

but the whole sobbing aftermath was bad enough that I promptly found

myself having a chat with Dirk and his mother through their screen



I explained the situation to her and when Dirk denied it, I pointed

out that twelve other kids were lining up to tell me what they'd seen.

"Why would they say that?" I asked him. Dirk made noncommittal noises

and studied his handful of cheerios. "They would say that because you

DID hurt the girls," I said. "If you have a problem with them, you

talk to me or your mom." He goggled at me. "Get a grownup. You are not

the police, you know." He smiled his demented smile. I left confident

that Dirk would be getting a man-to-man chat about hitting girls when

daddy got home.


Yesterday, Sparky volunteered a crucial clue in the case of Spunky's

funk: Spunky has become afraid of one of their Raffi tapes. Now Raffi

is the most un-scary character in midget entertainment, and I hope

fervently that he won't ever get arrested in a brothel or

somethinglikethat that would cause the market for his goofy kid tunes

to evaporate in undeserved PeeWeeny disgrace. It is inconceivable that

anyone would be afraid of a Raffi song. Raffi is all wholesome humor,

even when he plays the kazoo.


Sparky described the problem. "She's afraid of part of the song about

Joshua Giraffe, something about nasty somethings. When I tell her I'm

going to play that song, she gets so scared she cries!"


"I'll ask her about it. Try not to torture her with it, okay?"


"I'll TRY," she promised.


At home, I asked Spunky about the scary song. To my surprise, she

insisted that I hear it. We found the tape and wound to the correct

snippet in which Raffi said, "...then he was chased by Nasty Saviars!"

This was followed by sound effects of a manic monkey mob. Spunky's

eyes were wide. She shuddered.


"What's a Nasty Saviar?" I asked.


"I dunno, but they're really mean," she said, "I never saw one, so I

don't know what they look like." She denied that they were anything so

ordinary as monkeys. She wasn't buying my suggestion that they might

not be mean, but rather are called nasty because they are so dirty.


She said, "Maybe Dirk is a Nasty Saviar!"


"He's not that scary," I said, "and he's not any bigger than you are."


"You don't have to be afraid of Dirk," said The Rev. He showed her

where to hit Dirk if she ever needed to knock the wind out of him. She

digested this for a few moments. Hitting Dirk had a lot of appeal for



"Maybe he doesn't look like a Nasty Saviar, but that's because I don't

know what they look like! He might be a Nasty Saviar that's wearing a

Dirk suit!"


I was delighted, but I thought that this might be a dangerous

speculation to support--dangerous to Dirk. "His family would know if

he was a Nasty Saviar. The rest of his family is very nice."


She wasn't swayed. "Maybe they're Nasty Saviars too, only they're Nice

Nasty Saviars, but he's only Nasty!"


Poor Dirk. He doesn't even know he's been exposed. We've long

suspected that his ears are miniature radar dishes, but we had no idea

that he'd been replaced by a closet monster. No wonder he's having

such a bad time with Kindergarten. I'd bet that none of the other kids

are savvy to Saviars.



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