Subject: Manse Diaries: Spurious George
Date: 24 Sep 1998 00:00:00 GMT
From: email@example.com (Mumthra)
Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu
Newsgroups: alt.foot.fat-free, alt.slack
Among the various rituals of nursery school, we have already had the
Pet for a Weekend thrust upon us. The way this works is that the
children each get a weekend to bring home a (thankfully non-living)
pet creature. I bet you could have figured that much out on your own.
The part you may NOT remember from your childhood--I sure don't--is
the Pet Journal, which must be filled with the details of how you
spent your weekend playing with the pet. Since the children are not
of writing age, a parent is expected to take dictation and record
their wonderful weekend record, which will only be read by baffled
first-time mothers when they reach their turn to deal with the Pet
We were SO LUCKY to have our pet weekend coincide with a holiday
weekend! This meant that Curious George, his book and his journal came
to stay for five days, instead of the usual three. Hurk. I have to
confess that I LIED in the Journal, and wrote down some of the things
that Spunky did for those days without George, because I couldn't
bring myself to be honest with the Journal and write what she actually
did WITH him.
Spunky's TRUE STORY of Adventures with Curious George would have
looked like this:
Friday: I brought George home and refused to take him out of his bag
to show him to anyone. I wanted to forget all about George, but Mama
kept reminding me. After snack, Mama said, "What's this? Why is George
in the trash?" I said, "I put him there because I hate him." Mama said
that George doesn't belong to me. That made me happy. George would be
going away soon. That made me happy too.
Saturday: I did lots of things, like feeding the fish in the pond. I
didn't feed George to the fish. George stayed in his bag. I hated
Sunday: Gramma came to visit and we ate donuts. I didn't show George
to Gramma. I still hated George.
Monday: Sparky and I played with our friends. George didn't.
Tuesday: We went to the store without George and I got to have fudgey
graham crackers. I didn't feed any to George. After rest time, Mama
said we should read the book about Curious George. I said I didn't
want to read it, because I hate George's book. She started reading it
to me anyway, and I listened. In the story George gets curious about
things and whenever George gets curious, bad things happen to him. I
liked the part where George was curious about flying and almost
drowned and then the sailors had to pull him out of the water. George
was upside down with lots of water falling out of his mouth. I liked
to see George get scared, even though all the pictures for the parts
of the story where it said that George was scared showed George
looking like a stupid, happy monkey. I said that I liked George's book
after all, but Mama said she hated it. After the story, we stuffed
George back in his bag and tried to forget about him.
Can I be the only mommy who was, until recently, completely innocent
of "Curious George?" What an EVIL little story it is. Curious George
gets his mildly comical comeuppance again and again, until he is
happily reunited with his FRIEND, who promptly locks him in a zoo so
that he'll quit getting into mischief. REALLY, it seems to me that a
monkey SHOULD call 9-1-1, in fact I can't think of a SINGLE
circumstance where a monkey should NOT call 9-1-1.
911: Please state your emergency.
Monkey: I'M A FUCKING MONKEY!! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?!? HELP!! HELP!!
Maybe in the newer editions, George calls 1-800-FOR-PETA and gets a
free ride back to the jungle. Or maybe George uses his curiosity to
build a better banana trap and makes enough money to buy the zoo and
turn it into a successful casino where one has to be careful about
asking for chips. Or maybe George learns something from his many
mistakes and begins lecturing from his self-help book, "If You See a
Yellow Hat, Stop and Think It Over."
In any case, I'm with Spunky on this one.
Emancipate a comma! Evict mental ergonomics!