Subject: heart beat
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 1997 01:17:03 -0800
From: email@example.com (THE Rev. What's His Name)
Organization: (c) 1997 NFN
Newsgroups: alt.fan.kathy-jo, alt.slack
death of a thousand cuts.
warning. major whine coming up.
but, you know, I care, so I hate it.
The job. I am so sick and bloody tired of calling receptionists to
"verify your address." that took six weeks, but hurray for me. i mean, i
should have been sick of it in ten minutes, but you know, the rent and
wait. i need a bowl.
where is the NEXT bag coming from?
fuck, i dunno. but now is now.
I know, I know, but dude, did i want to be here at 45? does it matter?
some people say that we are always where we want to be, that we make our
own fate, blah blah.
every job I get, they ask me "why are you HERE?" yeah, well, maybe
because i am too fucked up to play nice and let everyone fuck me up and
laugh at me while they play golf. i'd rather just fucking leave, knowing
that i have known them since second grade for the assholes they chose to
be. i saw it all way then, i could tell how it was gonna be for fucking
ever. the loser suck ass assholes would win at "the game," and i would
waste the rest of my life trying to play it. i remember the teachers in
grade school warning me that if i didn't straighten up i would end up "on
the outside looking in," except i already was, so what the fuck?
every job i go to i can identify the "boys club" in two point five. they
wear white shirts three days a week. they get their hair cut. they shine
their fucking shoes. and they suck assholes for a living. and they have
cars and houses and pools and either they don't think at all or
who-the-fuck-knows, cause i sure don't. i been to their restaurants, seen
them leer at the lingerie models, leered with them! order that shit for
their girlfriends, big hearty drunken stoned (oh yes, and on the finest
frop, I promise) laugh at those stupid cunts they married. except that
they fuck the models with their credit cards and expense accounts. i know
all that shit that everyone knows and makes believe it isn't really like
that. well, it is exactly fucking like that. that's what runs the
country, politics, business, military. All those assholes who were stupid
enough to let me see it.
Except all i see are the same death head pervert football, sports, bully
assholes i always had the honor of seeing real close up, like with their
dicks in my face. I mean i don't give a shit what your gender or
preference is, if you are not them, sooner or later they stick their dicks
in your face and give you a choice: suck or leave.
and i did it once, but their representative fucked me too young and fucked
my head up too bad. so now i can walk past their ferraris and their
armanis and their power monster bazillion megafuck computers and, yes,
come in my fucking pants, BUT I WON'T SUCK THEIR DICKS, even if i smile
and tell them "nice one."
so fuck it. fancy aint my name.
so, you know, fuck them. i could die broke and forgotten, or just
remembered as that fucking know it all asshole loser. and i would win by
a mile. 'cause there are winners and losers, at least on the personal
level, and sometimes winning means refusing to give a shit and getting
fired and being glad, even as you hate yourself for just not giving in
this one time when you really needed the money.
but everyone is so fucking desperate. i don't know anyone who doesn't cry
thanks for every pay check, for every time they find an extra buck in
their pocket, while they're working themselves into the ground. and they
people who lay them off get million dollar bonuses for being heroes to the
stockholders who are just their squash partners anyway.
I work for "an international organization of company presidents and
ceos." honest i do. i get to say that about 100 times a day. so, i am
calling receptionists and "confirming" their names and addresses off lists
which were "confirmed" three months ago. but, hey, at nine bucks an hour,
they could have me do the same page every day for a month for 1,400 bucks,
so who cares? half a weeks' pay for them. until i become surly and
uncooperative and they get someone else to do it who is oh-so-happy for
the first month becase the by god rent is paid and there's beans on the
not so fast
there was an opening for a "system administrator" at this job. but i know
what that means. even a year ago it was e-mail and let me show you how to
surf the net for cool stuff and info and shit. now it means NETCOP,
telling people what they can't do, shutting down their communication,
monitoring every click. that's all the business has come down to. all
this professionalizing of the net and of corporate networks is just some
puritanical peeping on where the boss or the secretary has been surfing
this week and who's e-mailing who and it a stupid slimey little bunch of
creeps, just like you might imagine. hall monitors asking you where's yer
pass. and the idea that anyone like an employee might actually learn
something is so threatening all they can do is laugh at people's hearts
and get them fired because they know that all their secret, precious
knowledge is something that any mechanic who knows how to follow a manual
could learn in a week. but this makes them the "internet gods." what a
bunch of animal house jerks. and management is thrilled that the power is
back, that they control shit again like they did before everyone got their
own pc. so they develop their own little daisy chain of suck ass.
so, anyway, it is making me nuts.
And now, the asians have seen the light and are getting out. all the
asian markets are collapsing because for the last 20 years the korean and
japanese governments, among many others who copied them, have totally
played along with the banks and the brokers. the revolving door has been
spinning along. so, when things (unsupported credit) spiralled out of
control behind the scenes, no one called anyone on it. to the point where
multibillion dollar brokerage houses collapsed under the calls. now, it
is happening faster, and the public is freaking, getting the fuck out of
the market, but having nowhere else to go, they are hording cash.
the safety net is tearing apart. there is no one behind the door, no
wizard, no god who is going to show up and save us and we know it. the
sky isn't falling, it wasn't even there. we are just catching on.
again. but the world isn't ending. it is just that lots of people (yeah,
the same old "them") know how to make an additional ton o' dough in a
panic. after millenial fever dies down, they will remember how to make
their tons with a slow, stable bull market once again. they will rehire
the even more desperate drones and either work them 80 hours/week (for
37.5 hours pay--the glory of "salary"), or hot bunk them on unbenifitted
part time shift work.
what i truly do not understand is how there are still enough people to buy
new cars, and houses, and computers (the holy trinity of consumerist
economics). Maybe it is all auto workers, construction workers, and
electronics manufacturing people feeding off each other and then letting
us buy their shit when it is "used."
or just kill me.