From email@example.com Wed Apr 29 16:23:55 1998
Subject: 11TH Hour Repentance
From: "Ginsu" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 23:23:55 GMT
Nope, can't be done!
But you know brethern, sometimes I rationalize the smallest little
transgressions from "Bob", thinking, well, he'll let me get away with it so
long as I repent at the Last Moment. Oh, but brethern, I have gone too far
this time, tread where no Doktor of the Forbidden Science has trod
before...and now, I'm here to repent about it. You see, I have been guilty
of casting aside the worship of our Deity in favor of less slackful
things...like work...and relationships...
In fact, it's gotten so bad, that recently I have done that which has been
foretold--that which has been prophesised--that which has been forecast by
the very Prophets of the Age which are the Church of the SubGenii. Yes,
friends...I have rejected the Church. Judas that I am, I have cast aside
that very organiuzation from which I drew my very identity for all of these
years! I preached, I prophesied, all along believing I was fighting the
good fight. Then gave up. Why? Why? For "three squares a day," or for
"sex", or for a halfway-good TV show. They said that there would be flocks
repenting en masse up to the very moment of X-Day's arrival. Well,
tonight, I am proud to say that I AM ONE OF THOSE SUBGENII.
Couldn't make it as a rock n roll star? Well, I'll make a damn fine
Friends, the thoughts like the one above, the self-defeating ones, those
thoughts are the product of a mind that has been halfway on the skids for
years, as a result of booze, loose morals and a geographical proximity to
Newark. However, dear friends, I am here to tell you that they are the
words of someone who is ready to deliver their 11Th Hour Repentance--live
before a studio audience, just like Sha Na Na--
Someone who is ready to cast aside all of the Conspiracy toys that I have
yet to purchase--
All of the Conspiracy perks I have yet to enjoy--
Friends, I accept J.R."Bob" Dobbs as the Founding Father of Slackfulness,
and I reject the Conspiracy and all that it represents, TONIGHT---
For I have been lost but now I am found. I gave nothing to the Church of
the SubGenius (except my last dime and every ounce of spirit) and got
nothing in return, and I accept this, because I am drawn to the Final
Moment like a moth to flame, and when the giant shadowy hands of the Space
Bankers clench into fists and swipe the air about me into their very
clutches, I will be grinning the biggest grin that ever has been grinned,
because I will know that at the very last moment possible, in the 11Th
Hour, I hath repented and found "Bob". And I shall sleep. And after the
sleep, I shall annoy with another calculated stunt. And after that come
the donations. And shortly after that the platitudes. For you see, "Bob"
is the one path to freedom. "Bob" is the glue which keeps the entire
univers a grinning. "Bob" is the only paddle possibly purchasable for your
paper canoe. "Bob" is the chocolate and you are the nuts. "Bob" is the
lighthouse and you are a wreck. "Bob" will keep you from being succesful
long enough to appreciate that you are a success. "Bob" will show you the
groin which he developed, and then he will show you the groin that the
Conspiracy developed, and the "Bob" will let you choose which groin it is
that you would like to have. "Bob" is the only reason for many of you and
I to get up in the morning, "Bob" is the Immanentized Eschaton, "Bob" is
the Purpose without a purpose, "Bob" is the definition of teleology, "Bob"
is the Pipe that smokes around the universe, "Bob" is instantly
recognizable, "Bob" is the man behind the corner in the drugstore in the
movie you saw last week in England, "Bob" is in Ireland right now, "Bob"
sickens us but is worth the wait, "Bob" is my crutch, "Bob" is my crutch,
"Bob" is my crutch, and "Bob" will Come Again. Please stay tuned because
there is one more responsible for the rejection of the Church of the
SubGenius than me, one who is less worthy than "Bob" to be rejected, one
who means everything I just said, and that one is the one you should be
waiting for, not "Bob". Praise that man "Bob"!!
Forget everything I just said. Keep It Up.