From jch1@voicenet.nospamm.com Wed Apr 29 16:23:55 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: 11TH Hour Repentance

From: "Ginsu" <jch1@voicenet.nospamm.com>

Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 23:23:55 GMT

 

Nope, can't be done!

 

But you know brethern, sometimes I rationalize the smallest little

transgressions from "Bob", thinking, well, he'll let me get away with it so

long as I repent at the Last Moment. Oh, but brethern, I have gone too far

this time, tread where no Doktor of the Forbidden Science has trod

before...and now, I'm here to repent about it. You see, I have been guilty

of casting aside the worship of our Deity in favor of less slackful

things...like work...and relationships...

In fact, it's gotten so bad, that recently I have done that which has been

foretold--that which has been prophesised--that which has been forecast by

the very Prophets of the Age which are the Church of the SubGenii. Yes,

friends...I have rejected the Church. Judas that I am, I have cast aside

that very organiuzation from which I drew my very identity for all of these

years! I preached, I prophesied, all along believing I was fighting the

good fight. Then gave up. Why? Why? For "three squares a day," or for

"sex", or for a halfway-good TV show. They said that there would be flocks

repenting en masse up to the very moment of X-Day's arrival. Well,

tonight, I am proud to say that I AM ONE OF THOSE SUBGENII.

 

Couldn't make it as a rock n roll star? Well, I'll make a damn fine

executive!

 

Friends, the thoughts like the one above, the self-defeating ones, those

thoughts are the product of a mind that has been halfway on the skids for

years, as a result of booze, loose morals and a geographical proximity to

Newark. However, dear friends, I am here to tell you that they are the

words of someone who is ready to deliver their 11Th Hour Repentance--live

before a studio audience, just like Sha Na Na--

 

Someone who is ready to cast aside all of the Conspiracy toys that I have

yet to purchase--

 

All of the Conspiracy perks I have yet to enjoy--

 

Friends, I accept J.R."Bob" Dobbs as the Founding Father of Slackfulness,

and I reject the Conspiracy and all that it represents, TONIGHT---

 

For I have been lost but now I am found. I gave nothing to the Church of

the SubGenius (except my last dime and every ounce of spirit) and got

nothing in return, and I accept this, because I am drawn to the Final

Moment like a moth to flame, and when the giant shadowy hands of the Space

Bankers clench into fists and swipe the air about me into their very

clutches, I will be grinning the biggest grin that ever has been grinned,

because I will know that at the very last moment possible, in the 11Th

Hour, I hath repented and found "Bob". And I shall sleep. And after the

sleep, I shall annoy with another calculated stunt. And after that come

the donations. And shortly after that the platitudes. For you see, "Bob"

is the one path to freedom. "Bob" is the glue which keeps the entire

univers a grinning. "Bob" is the only paddle possibly purchasable for your

paper canoe. "Bob" is the chocolate and you are the nuts. "Bob" is the

lighthouse and you are a wreck. "Bob" will keep you from being succesful

long enough to appreciate that you are a success. "Bob" will show you the

groin which he developed, and then he will show you the groin that the

Conspiracy developed, and the "Bob" will let you choose which groin it is

that you would like to have. "Bob" is the only reason for many of you and

I to get up in the morning, "Bob" is the Immanentized Eschaton, "Bob" is

the Purpose without a purpose, "Bob" is the definition of teleology, "Bob"

is the Pipe that smokes around the universe, "Bob" is instantly

recognizable, "Bob" is the man behind the corner in the drugstore in the

movie you saw last week in England, "Bob" is in Ireland right now, "Bob"

sickens us but is worth the wait, "Bob" is my crutch, "Bob" is my crutch,

"Bob" is my crutch, and "Bob" will Come Again. Please stay tuned because

there is one more responsible for the rejection of the Church of the

SubGenius than me, one who is less worthy than "Bob" to be rejected, one

who means everything I just said, and that one is the one you should be

waiting for, not "Bob". Praise that man "Bob"!!

 

Forget everything I just said. Keep It Up.

Ginsu