Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

Author: Pastor Craig

Email: craig@bbs.cpcn.com

Date:1998/04/02

Forums: alt.slack

Tarla Star spoketh:

 

> craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

> > Tarla Star wrote:

> > > Porn and wresting are boring. You always know how it's going to end.

>

> >"Why do you watch that stuff? They know in advance how it's going to

> >end?"

> >"Because, Meathead, *I* don't know how it's going to end!"

>

> >-- All in the Family

>

> >Well Tarla, whatever floats your boat.

 

> I like real live bodies. But I understand that's way out of your

> league.

You say that like it's something wrong.

 

Hey, I'm not married and not involved with anyone. Come July 5 1998

I'll have all of the sex I'll ever want. Why should I waste the

remaining time I have left on earth on sex? Even if I could get

some, at this point I would turn it down.

 

Pastor Craig

 

ps After having been run down for months about whining about not

gettting any while not saying anything about it, I have decided

to give the pathetic cry babies who dote on my every word for things

to whine about something to bawl about.

 

pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you play in?

Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:TarlaStar

Email:!!!bmyers@ionet.net

Date:1998/04/02

Forums:alt.slack

 

craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

>Tarla Star spoketh:

 

>> craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

>> > Tarla Star wrote:

>> > > Porn and wresting are boring. You always know how it's going to end.

>>

>> >"Why do you watch that stuff? They know in advance how it's going to

>> >end?"

>> >"Because, Meathead, *I* don't know how it's going to end!"

>>

>> >-- All in the Family

>>

>> >Well Tarla, whatever floats your boat.

 

>> I like real live bodies. But I understand that's way out of your

>> league.

>

>You say that like it's something wrong.

 

>Hey, I'm not married and not involved with anyone. Come July 5 1998

>I'll have all of the sex I'll ever want.

 

Unh huh. So you're hoping that the X-ists are less discriminating than

human females, I guess.

 

> Why should I waste the

>remaining time I have left on earth on sex?

 

Waste? No wonder you can't get laid.

 

>Even if I could get

>some, at this point I would turn it down.

 

That's what all the pathetic losers say.

 

>ps After having been run down for months about whining about not

>gettting any while not saying anything about it, I have decided

>to give the pathetic cry babies who dote on my every word for things

>to whine about something to bawl about.

 

You're just too damned good to us.

 

>pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you play in?

 

You're not a player. You're a batboy. Fetch.

 

>Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

>people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

 

Me. I always win and I'm always right.

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.

 

 

e: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Felix The Cat

Email:felixxx@goodnet.com

Date:1998/04/02

Forums:alt.slack

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Felix The Cat

Email:felixxx@goodnet.com

Date: 1998/04/02

Forums:alt.slack

 

Why not just have Wrestleporn!?

 

We could make it a Church sponsored event. All the proceeds

excluding all the ectoplasm, will go to our Final Devival.

 

--

ATTN REN THE CAT ELVIS J.R. III OF THE ʸ cAbAl

SWISSBANKACCOUNTDEPOSIT# 070519980700 13013 666 696 999

http://www.goodnet.com/~felixxx

http://www.industryfigure.com/tom/young.htm

 

 

 

Why not just have Wrestleporn!?

 

We could make it a Church sponsored event. All the proceeds

excluding all the ectoplasm, will go to our Final Devival.

 

--

ATTN REN THE CAT ELVIS J.R. III OF THE ʸ cAbAl

SWISSBANKACCOUNTDEPOSIT# 070519980700 13013 666 696 999

http://www.goodnet.com/~felixxx

http://www.industryfigure.com/tom/young.htm

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

 

Author:NENSLO

Email:n@n.slo

Date:1998/04/02

Forums:alt.slack

> > > Tarla Star wrote:

> > > > Porn and wresting are boring. You always know how it's going to end.

 

It's not supposed to be a MYSTERY, like an episode of Matlock. You

don't get surprised at the end any more than when you ride a

roller-coaster or go to church. It's a satisfying ritual which takes

you to a specific level of devotion and brings you back in a safe and

relatively gratifying manner. And some of those Lucha Libre guys are

HOT! They have good, fast, well-practised moves - they're all over the

place and all over each other. If they were fucking each other it would

REALLY be amazing.

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:TarlaStar

Email:!!!bmyers@ionet.net

Date:1998/04/03

Forums:alt.slack view thread NENSLO <n@n.slo> wrote:

 

>> > > Tarla Star wrote:

>> > > > Porn and wresting are boring. You always know how it's going

to end.

 

>It's not supposed to be a MYSTERY, like an episode of Matlock. You

>don't get surprised at the end any more than when you ride a

>roller-coaster or go to church. It's a satisfying ritual which takes

>you to a specific level of devotion and brings you back in a safe and

>relatively gratifying manner. And some of those Lucha Libre guys are

>HOT! They have good, fast, well-practised moves - they're all over the

>place and all over each other. If they were fucking each other it would

>REALLY be amazing.

 

But they aren't, so it isn't.

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Pastor Craig

Email:craig@bbs.cpcn.com

Date:1998/04/03

Forums:alt.slack

 

Tarla Star opens a giant can of whoop-ass and writes:

 

>craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

>>Tarla Star spoketh:

 

>>> craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

>>> >Well Tarla, whatever floats your boat.

 

>>> I like real live bodies. But I understand that's way out of your

>>> league.

 

>>You say that like it's something wrong.

 

>> Hey, I'm not married and not involved with anyone. Come July 5 1998

>> I'll have all of the sex I'll ever want.

 

> Unh huh. So you're hoping that the X-ists are less discriminating

> than human females, I guess.

 

"unh huh"? Is that how an Okey says uh-huh? These are the pleasure

ships of the sex GODESSES, Tarla. Ergo, they will be whatever you

want, when ever you want and will fufill one's ever need. Not just

mine, but all of the 30$ card carrying SubGenii' wishes.

 

>> Why should I waste the

>> remaining time I have left on earth on sex?

 

> Waste? No wonder you can't get laid.

 

What kind of new age psuedo psycho babble is this? "Oh, Pastor Craig,

all you have to do to get laid is believe, believe, BELIEVE, and the

pixies will help you get laid."

 

>> Even if I could get

>> some, at this point I would turn it down.

 

> That's what all the pathetic losers say.

 

Odd, I haven't heard you say it recently.

 

>> pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you play in?

 

> You're not a player. You're a batboy. Fetch.

 

You're dodging the question. Which league do you play in? The "Oh

I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend I'm the crazed whore

of Babylon on USENET" League?

 

And since when didn't you become a "player" (black slang for pimp)?

Are the LSotPJ your hoes?

 

>> Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

>> people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

 

> Me. I always win and I'm always right.

 

Odd, Andrew is always braging about how much pussy he gets. Doesn't

that mean he scores more that you?

 

And as for you being always right, there is of course no way to dispute

this. To do so would require logical argumentation and for you to

accept the results. I don't see this happening any time soon.

 

But then again there is one infallible test: Did you send in your 30$?

 

Pastor Craig

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author: kevbob

Email: kevbob.AlLsPaM@ecsis.net

Date:1998/04/03

Forums alt.slack

 

--

"moo."

 

Pastor Craig <craig@bbs.cpcn.com> wrote in article

<6g1iq1$8pj@netaxs.com>...

> Tarla Star opens a giant can of whoop-ass and writes:

> > Unh huh. So you're hoping that the X-ists are less discriminating

> > than human females, I guess.

>

> "unh huh"? Is that how an Okey says uh-huh? These are the pleasure

 

i'm not tarla, by a long shot, but, WHAT THE FUCK????

 

LAME LAME LAME LAME LAM`E

 

 

you blew up my LAME meter you MEANIE!!!

 

 

> ships of the sex GODESSES, Tarla. Ergo, they will be whatever you

> want, when ever you want and will fufill one's ever need. Not just

> mine, but all of the 30$ card carrying SubGenii' wishes.

>

 

ATTENTION PASTOR CRAIG:

 

CLUE ALERT!!!!!

 

(there are no sex goddess space ships.)

 

 

> >> Why should I waste the

> >> remaining time I have left on earth on sex?

>

> > Waste? No wonder you can't get laid.

>

> What kind of new age psuedo psycho babble is this? "Oh, Pastor Craig,

> all you have to do to get laid is believe, believe, BELIEVE, and the

> pixies will help you get laid."

>

 

um, yes.

 

duh.

 

if you WANTED to get laid, you could. you just have too high of a

expectation.

 

also, click you heels together and carry cash.

 

'sides, $ndrew is gonna lay you anyways.

 

> >> Even if I could get

> >> some, at this point I would turn it down.

>

> > That's what all the pathetic losers say.

>

> Odd, I haven't heard you say it recently.

>

 

 

and, why would that be odd?

 

here, let me 'splain. odd means, um, something different or unexpected or

sumthin like that.

 

no prob, that's what i'm here for.

 

 

> >> pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you play in?

>

> > You're not a player. You're a batboy. Fetch.

>

> You're dodging the question. Which league do you play in? The "Oh

> I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend I'm the crazed whore

> of Babylon on USENET" League?

>

> And since when didn't you become a "player" (black slang for pimp)?

> Are the LSotPJ your hoes?

>

 

um that would be close to the "i'm an ugly luser with no hair that

can't be laid on usenet" league, right?

 

 

> >> Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

> >> people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

>

> > Me. I always win and I'm always right.

>

> Odd, Andrew is always braging about how much pussy he gets. Doesn't

> that mean he scores more that you?

>

 

here, let me 'splain: bragging is generally a form of a boast.

 

no prob, that's what i;m here for.

 

 

> And as for you being always right, there is of course no way to dispute

> this. To do so would require logical argumentation and for you to

> accept the results. I don't see this happening any time soon.

>

 

you, you are wise in the ways of wimmin', aren't you craigers?

 

> But then again there is one infallible test: Did you send in your 30$?

>

 

if that is your test, you have failed.

 

the CORRECT answer is:

 

has anyone sent YOU thirty dollars yet?

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

more options

 

Author:(Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

Email:mitchell@Doesn't.Spam.Suck.interserv.com

Date:1998/04/02

Forums:alt.slack

 

In article <35248812.38A8@subgenius.com>, legume@subgenius.com wrote:

 

 

> I forgot

 

T'weren't much to remember. At least I know how to get Pastor Craig laid

for X-Day--he's not going to like it, though.

 

 

P.Lil

 

--

| Reverend Doktor Saint Popess | Fools' Press |

| Lilith von Fraumench, Esquire | 1122 E Pike St, #769 |

| Church of the Skullfarmer's | Seattle, WA 98122-3934 |

| Daughter In Rapt Communion | mitchell@interserv.com |

| With The Dobbshead, Inc | http://bounce.to/p-lil |

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

more options

 

Author:TarlaStar

Email:!!!bmyers@ionet.net

Date:1998/04/03

Forums:alt.slack

 

craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) makes flaming easy and fun by

writing:

 

>>> Hey, I'm not married and not involved with anyone. Come July 5 1998

>>> I'll have all of the sex I'll ever want.

 

>> Unh huh. So you're hoping that the X-ists are less discriminating

>> than human females, I guess.

 

>"unh huh"? Is that how an Okey says uh-huh? These are the pleasure

>ships of the sex GODESSES, Tarla. Ergo, they will be whatever you

>want, when ever you want and will fufill one's ever need. Not just

>mine, but all of the 30$ card carrying SubGenii' wishes.

 

If they fullfill MY wishes, you won't be onboard of anything.

 

>>> Why should I waste the

>>> remaining time I have left on earth on sex?

 

>> Waste? No wonder you can't get laid.

 

>What kind of new age psuedo psycho babble is this? "Oh, Pastor Craig,

>all you have to do to get laid is believe, believe, BELIEVE, and the

>pixies will help you get laid."

 

Not even the pixies could help you. You think sex is a waste of time.

 

>>> Even if I could get

>>> some, at this point I would turn it down.

 

>> That's what all the pathetic losers say.

 

>Odd, I haven't heard you say it recently.

 

Point in fact.

 

>>> pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you play in?

 

>> You're not a player. You're a batboy. Fetch.

 

>You're dodging the question. Which league do you play in? The "Oh

>I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend I'm the crazed whore

>of Babylon on USENET" League?

 

I'm curious to know where you get this shit. I've never PRETENDED

anything, much less to being a whore. I know it bugs the shit out of

you to actually contemplate the fact that some of us CAN keep our

promises, but it does happen.

 

>And since when didn't you become a "player" (black slang for pimp)?

>Are the LSotPJ your hoes?

 

I've never claimed to be a "player." That's your terminology.

 

>>> Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

>>> people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

 

>> Me. I always win and I'm always right.

 

>Odd, Andrew is always braging about how much pussy he gets. Doesn't

>that mean he scores more that you?

 

Andrew never brags about how much pussy he gets. I have no way of

knowing how often he has sex and I'm not in the business of comparing

my sex life with his. You'll have to buy a magazine or a porn film

Craig. I'm not going to provide you with fantasy material.

 

>And as for you being always right, there is of course no way to dispute

>this. To do so would require logical argumentation and for you to

>accept the results. I don't see this happening any time soon.

 

Neither do I. You lack any of the required abilities.

 

>But then again there is one infallible test: Did you send in your 30$?

 

Of course I did.

 

 

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.

 

 

Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

Author:saint andreux

Email:saint@*bugger-off!*.prairienet.org

Date:1998/04/05

Forums: alt.slack

 

Craig, you limp-dicked little fuck.

 

You're damn right I get laid more than you. Most of the fucking world

gets laid more than you. As a matter of fact, I can't think of ANYONE

who gets laid any LESS.

 

However, as for me "bragging" about how much pussy I get, you're damn

TOOTIN', I get a lot of pussy. That's my fucking SLACK. I prefer to

TESTIFY that the phrase "Have intercourse with a BEAUTIFUL LIVE NUDE

GIRL" *works* in this Church, and the only fly in the ointment of the

ULTIMATE HARDCORE XXX SALES PITCH is YOU being the exception having to

wank off, thus qualifiying the "OR DAMN NEAR ANYTHING ELSE" clause.

 

That's right, Craig, YOU'RE A BIG PART OF THE CHURCH. You're proof that

even though someone can GIVE MONEY TO "BOB" they can be a stupid whining

FUCKHEAD of a person.

 

Oh, but I'm just a HAIR FARMER, what the fuck do I know?

 

The message of WHITTLE YOUR OWN DNA kind of slipped by you, eh? The

power that "Bob" DOESN'T EVEN TRY and SLACK falls RIGHT INTO HIS LAP like

a RIPE APPLE (or, a choice piece of ass) kind of SKIPPED YOUR

"OH-AH-CAINT-GIT-LAID-CUZ-I'M-STILL-A-PATHETIC-LOSER, BUT- I'LL BLAME IT

ON MY SHINY DOME-HEAD" SELF RIGHT ON BY, EH?

 

What a WANKER you are. A pathetic little wanker. For a long

time, I thought that the whole "ugly king" persona was just another ACT,

something which I find detestable, but acceptable coming from a pathetic

turd like you. Now that you've gone out of your way to BECOME the ACT,

you've sunk below the level of "pathetic" to just down-right WORTHLESS.

 

Why don't you do us, and "Bob" a favor, be done with it all, sign

the Last Will and Testament and blow your brains out of the back of your

head? After all, that's probably the only time your "head" will get

"blown" before the X-ists take one look at you and turn you into a

SQUIRREL and stuff you in a PUMKIN for

 

DR. K'TADEN LEGUME'S PLEASURE.

 

It's funny that Legume doesn't have "big hair" and manages to not only

get LAID, but has MULTIPLE YETI WIVES.

 

Ever think about that, or were you too busy jacking off to the thought of

me givin' de poke to the countless females out there that wouldn't fuck

you even with MY DICK.

 

YOU WILL GET LAID, CRAIG. I'm making DAMN SURE of that now...

 

Your best pally-wally, st. andreux

 

 

---

saint andreux --><-- "i'm right, you're wrong." - boyd rice

http://www.prairienet.org/~saint/

email: saint@*bugger-off!*prairienet.org

 

> >> Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

> >> people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

> > Me. I always win and I'm always right.

> Odd, Andrew is always braging about how much pussy he gets. Doesn't

> that mean he scores more that you?

 

Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Dr.Legume

Email:legume@subgenius.com

Date:1998/04/04

Forums:alt.slack

 

saint andreux wrote:

>

> Craig, you limp-dicked little fuck.

>

> You're damn right I get laid more than you. Most of the fucking world gets

> laid more than you.

> "OH-AH-CAINT-GIT-LAID-CUZ-I'M-STILL-A-PATHETIC-LOSER, BUT-

> I'LL BLAME IT ON MY SHINY DOME-HEAD" SELF RIGHT ON BY, EH?

>

> What a WANKER you are. A pathetic little wanker.

> It's funny that Legume doesn't have "big hair" and manages to not only get

> LAID, but has MULTIPLE YETI WIVES.

 

Not only do I not have big hair, I have a big bald Xist landing pad on

my head, I'm usually broke, I have a big beer gut and pimples on my ass.

I'm also a high-ranking member of a Texas UFO Death Cult that launches

rubber golfer heads and worships a piece of yellow pages clip-art. I've

got the deck stacked against me BIGTIME in the Getting Laid Department.

 

Yet I still get laid, by beautiful women, while Craig, who's in pretty

good shape, single, and with a good-paying job, complains that women

won't fuck him because he's UGLY.

 

What is is about me that women find attractive? STEEL.

 

Craig cant get laid because he's so afraid of being turned down he won't

even try. Women sense this. Women like their men to be MEN. No woman

wants a man they can't respect. Even the prettiest man can't get by on

his looks forever. If he doesn't have character and intestinal fortitude

he too will eventually end up marching in the Pastor Craig Parade.

 

Any of you ladies disagree?

 

--

Dr.K'taden Legume

Evangelist Gunslinger

Church of the SubGenius (Holocaustal)

 

Visit the Holocaustal Website at:

http://members.tripod.com/~DrLegume/index.html

 

The horseman lifteth up both the bright sword and the glittering spear:

and there is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcases; and

there is none end of their corpses

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author: MegaLiz

Email:nospamum@radix.net

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

"Dr.Legume" <legume@subgenius.com> wrote:

 

: What is is about me that women find attractive? STEEL.

 

That would account for HALF of it.

: Craig cant get laid because he's so afraid of being turned down he won't

: even try. Women sense this. Women like their men to be MEN. No woman

: wants a man they can't respect. Even the prettiest man can't get by on

: his looks forever. If he doesn't have character and intestinal fortitude

: he too will eventually end up marching in the Pastor Craig Parade.

:

: Any of you ladies disagree?

 

OH GOD, I'm so embarrassed! Who THE HELL are you talking to?!?

 

I don't think respect is always required. Sometimes, girls just wanna

have CONTROL. This does Craig ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD, however, because

some tiny shadow of his thingthatlooksexactlylike SELF-RESPECT won't

let him GROVEL PROPERLY. See when he grovels, I'd imagine that he

looks entirely too USEFUL and thereby gets a lot of beers balanced on

his noggin. This is PURE speculation, mind you.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Is it just me...or do I have tape in my hair?" - Spunky

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:e/w bear

Email:ebear@hibernia.ca

Date:1998/04/06

Forums:alt.slack

 

In article <35270a2d.603335746@news1.radix.net>, nospamum@radix.net wrote:

 

> "Dr.Legume" <legume@subgenius.com> wrote:

>

> : What is is about me that women find attractive? STEEL.

>

> That would account for HALF of it.

>

> : Craig cant get laid because he's so afraid of being turned down he won't

> : even try. Women sense this. Women like their men to be MEN. No woman

> : wants a man they can't respect. Even the prettiest man can't get by on

> : his looks forever. If he doesn't have character and intestinal fortitude

> : he too will eventually end up marching in the Pastor Craig Parade.

> :

> : Any of you ladies disagree?

>

> OH GOD, I'm so embarrassed! Who THE HELL are you talking to?!?

>

> I don't think respect is always required. Sometimes, girls just wanna

> have CONTROL. This does Craig ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD, however, because

> some tiny shadow of his thingthatlooksexactlylike SELF-RESPECT won't

> let him GROVEL PROPERLY. See when he grovels, I'd imagine that he

> looks entirely too USEFUL and thereby gets a lot of beers balanced on

> his noggin. This is PURE speculation, mind you.

>

>>>-->

I posed this to "she who must be obeyed" (plagarism.. so kill me) and

here's what she said: Good looks, intelligence, personality, healthy and

clean...all equally important to her. She points out that she doesn't

always know beforehand... that sometimes it's the guy who turns her off

that she later finds most interesting. On the STEEL question: How you

handle a crisis makes a BIG difference. On the CONTROL question: "I don't

do it unless I'm in control". This means you can take no for an answer and

still be nice: "If you're not interested in me as a person, then why would

you want to fuck me?" In that sense she's still a little naive..<g>.

 

My take on "too busy, can't find the time": This is BS. In the 80's, when I

was on the road constantly and really DIDN'T have the time, I ran personal

ads (which is easier today now that we have the I-net). Laugh if you like,

but it worked. The women were smarter and better looking than the ones I

met on my own. I had lots of fun plus I gained the confidence to approach

attractive women, which is how I met my wife. On average, the better

looking, more intelligent and capable a woman is, the less positive

attention she gets, because most guys are intimidated by that. They assume

she has it all, or that they don't measure up to her standards. That's not

a theory... it's what I was told over and over again by the women I dated.

 

For you busy guys here's a few Url's to get you started. I'm sure there's

others. Don't scoff till you've given them a fair chance. Try the local

papers, especially the artsy ones, and don't forget the voice-personals.

They work too. And no, I do not get a commission.

 

<http://www.webpersonals.com>

<http://www.alternativeconnections.com>

<http://www.one-and-only.com>

 

An afterthought: If you follow through on this, and then come whining to me

that you met a few losers, I'll tell you this right now: If you didn't

take them out, show them a good time, and treat them with the same respect

and courtesy that you would a real winner, then you really don't deserve to

get laid. A gentleman will always find a way to build a lady's confidence,

and besides, who are you to say she's a loser? Maybe she thinks YOU are

and is just being polite.

---

ewb

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Jim Vandewalker

Email:jimvan@gate.net

Date:1998/04/03

Forums:alt.slack

 

In article <bg19354-0304981034320001@128.226.103.209>,

bg19354@NoMoReSpAm.binghamton.edu (Nully Fydyan) wrote:

 

{ In article <6g1iq1$8pj@netaxs.com>, craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

{

{ > The "Oh I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend I'm

{ > the crazed whore of Babylon on USENET" League?

{ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

{

{ If this is an elected position, will someone tell me when to begin

campaigning?

{

 

It's a LEAGUE, dint you see that? You hafta get DRAFTED. You can try for a

minor league walk-on. Check with alt.religion.kibology

 

--

Jim the Prophet

Licensed SubGenius Preacher

jimvan@gate.net

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Pastor Craig

Email:craig@bbs.cpcn.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

>From: bg19354@NoMoReSpAm.binghamton.edu (Nully Fydyan)

>Subject: Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

>Date: 3 Apr 98 15:38:28 GMT

 

>In article <6g1iq1$8pj@netaxs.com>, craig@bbs.cpcn.com

>(Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

>> The "Oh I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend I'm

>> the crazed whore of Babylon on USENET" League?

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

> If this is an elected position, will someone tell me when to

> begin campaigning?

 

> Nully

 

Campaign? Heck, if you want the "Crazed Whore of Babylon of alt.slack"

title, it's yours.

 

Pastor Craig

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Pastor Craig

Email:craig@bbs.cpcn.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

saint andreux decided to come out of the closet by posting:

 

> Craig, you limp-dicked little fuck.

 

What is the pre-occupation on this news group with my dick?

Maybe you and Lurch should hook up?

 

> You're damn right I get laid more than you. Most of the fucking

> world gets laid more than you. As a matter of fact, I can't

> think of ANYONE who gets laid any LESS.

 

Since I don't get laid, it would be impossible for anyone to get

laid less. But you got the "I can't think" part correct. Of course

you probably will consider this a badge of honor.

 

> However, as for me "bragging" about how much pussy I get, you're

> damn TOOTIN', I get a lot of pussy. That's my fucking SLACK. I

> prefer to TESTIFY that the phrase "Have intercourse with a

> BEAUTIFUL LIVE NUDE GIRL" *works* in this Church,

 

See Tarla? Told you so.

 

> and the only fly in the ointment of the ULTIMATE HARDCORE XXX

> SALES PITCH is YOU being the exception having to wank off,

> thus qualifiying the "OR DAMN NEAR ANYTHING ELSE" clause.

 

Aaawwwwww. Am I chasing away your pussy again? "That meany,

Pastor Craig, he's not CONFORMING to correct SubGenius behavior.

He's making me look bad. Waaaah!"

 

> That's right, Craig, YOU'RE A BIG PART OF THE CHURCH. You're

> proof that even though someone can GIVE MONEY TO "BOB" they

> can be a stupid whining FUCKHEAD of a person.

 

You say this like it's something bad.

 

> Oh, but I'm just a HAIR FARMER, what the fuck do I know?

 

How about how to be a frat boy while avoiding the frat boy

stigma by pretending to be a whining sissy mopey goth.

 

> The message of WHITTLE YOUR OWN DNA kind of slipped by

> you, eh? The power that "Bob" DOESN'T EVEN TRY and SLACK

> falls RIGHT INTO HIS LAP like a RIPE APPLE (or, a choice

> piece of ass) kind of SKIPPED YOUR

> "OH-AH-CAINT-GIT-LAID-CUZ-I'M-STILL-A-PATHETIC-LOSER, BUT-

> I'LL BLAME IT ON MY SHINY DOME-HEAD" SELF RIGHT ON BY, EH?

 

Whittle your own DNA? What does that have to do with sex?

This above paragraph makes so little sense I guess you had

to use all caps to avoid looking like a total dumbass.

 

> What a WANKER you are.

 

You say this like its something bad.

 

> A pathetic little wanker. For a

> long time, I thought that the whole "ugly king" persona

> was just another ACT, something which I find detestable,

> but acceptable coming from a pathetic turd like you. Now

> that you've gone out of your way to BECOME the ACT, you've

> sunk below the level of "pathetic" to just down-right WORTHLESS.

 

Andrew, the fact the myself just being myself can piss off a

stupid drunken lazy ignorant hair farmer like you gives me a

warm fuzzy feeling inside.

 

I wonder what the real Andrew was like before he decided that

he had to suppress his real personality and adapt some stupid

shit conspiracy approved persona just to get laid? Maybe

that's why I piss him off no end?

 

> Why don't you do us, and "Bob" a favor, be done with it all,

> sign the Last Will and Testament and blow your brains out

> of the back of your head? After all, that's probably the

> only time your "head" will get "blown" before the X-ists

> take one look at you and turn you into a SQUIRREL and stuff

> you in a PUMKIN for

 

> DR. K'TADEN LEGUME'S PLEASURE.

 

That's pumpkin, dipshit. If you're going to use all caps

at least spell it right.

 

And, by the way Andrew, people are more likely to do favors

for you if you use a nicer, more respectful tone of voice.

 

> Ever think about that, or were you too busy jacking off

> to the thought of me givin' de poke to the countless

> females out there that wouldn't fuck you even with MY DICK.

 

You know Andrew, I have never jacked off while thinking about you.

 

> YOU WILL GET LAID, CRAIG. I'm making DAMN SURE of that now...

 

What, are you going to "lay" me out at the X-day drill?

 

Pastor Craig

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Ginsu

Email:jch1@voicenet.nospamm.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

Woah!! I leave for a few days, maybe a week, only to come back and find

the stars misplaced...Andrew and Craig, continuing a fight I watched them

start on IRC one night. How is it that two SubGeniuses can't even get

along? I thought that what we had over the Pinks was that we could peace

out and love each other properly, without resorting to put-downs and other

nastiness, which we should reserve for THEM -- I guess I was wrong. Poor

Craig. The world is against him, simply because he isn't getting any.

 

You don't have to tell a guy who isn't getting any, that he isn't getting

any.

 

However, seeing that that's exactly what's going on here, I want to

mention that I am enjoying this thoroughly.

 

Ginsu.

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:saint

Email:saint@prairienet.org

Date:1998/04/08

Forums:alt.slack

 

In article <6g79ip$617@netaxs.com>,

craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

> > Craig, you limp-dicked little fuck.

> What is the pre-occupation on this news group with my dick?

> Maybe you and Lurch should hook up?

 

Yeah, and we're all going to gang-bang you, right?

 

> > You're damn right I get laid more than you. Most of the fucking

> > world gets laid more than you. As a matter of fact, I can't

> > think of ANYONE who gets laid any LESS.

> Since I don't get laid, it would be impossible for anyone to get

> laid less. But you got the "I can't think" part correct. Of course

> you probably will consider this a badge of honor.

 

Oh OWIE, Craig! That one REALLY HURT! Gosh! My ego is SO BRUISED.

 

> > and the only fly in the ointment of the ULTIMATE HARDCORE XXX

> > SALES PITCH is YOU being the exception having to wank off,

> > thus qualifiying the "OR DAMN NEAR ANYTHING ELSE" clause.

> Aaawwwwww. Am I chasing away your pussy again? "That meany,

> Pastor Craig, he's not CONFORMING to correct SubGenius behavior.

> He's making me look bad. Waaaah!"

 

Yeah, Craig, you are, and that's the ONLY REASON why I am

targeting you. I can feel your vibes all the way to Chicago,

with your incantations and rituals and spraying of the "Pussy-B-Gone"

canisters in my direction.

 

> > That's right, Craig, YOU'RE A BIG PART OF THE CHURCH. You're

> > proof that even though someone can GIVE MONEY TO "BOB" they

> > can be a stupid whining FUCKHEAD of a person.

> You say this like it's something bad.

 

It is, Craig. You're a milk-sop. You won't last five minutes

once the Revolution comes.

 

> > Oh, but I'm just a HAIR FARMER, what the fuck do I know?

> How about how to be a frat boy while avoiding the frat boy

> stigma by pretending to be a whining sissy mopey goth.

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! That's the best one I've heard in a long

while! Gee, you really know how to pull my strings, Craig!

Gosh! You're trampin' down on my buttons really really hard!

I think I'm going to have to go cry, smoke clove cigarettes,

drink absinthe, and listen to the Sisters of Mercy for a few

hours, Craig...

 

You've really insulted me, this time. I don't know what

I'm going to do!

 

Frat-boy disguised as a Mopey Goth?

 

> > The message of WHITTLE YOUR OWN DNA kind of slipped by

> > you, eh? The power that "Bob" DOESN'T EVEN TRY and SLACK

> > falls RIGHT INTO HIS LAP like a RIPE APPLE (or, a choice

> > piece of ass) kind of SKIPPED YOUR

> > "OH-AH-CAINT-GIT-LAID-CUZ-I'M-STILL-A-PATHETIC-LOSER, BUT-

> > I'LL BLAME IT ON MY SHINY DOME-HEAD" SELF RIGHT ON BY, EH?

> Whittle your own DNA? What does that have to do with sex?

 

Craig, you stupid fuck, haven't you figured it out yet?

 

It really hasn't anything to do with sex. It has to do with

you being a poodle of a man. A kicking-dog.

 

> This above paragraph makes so little sense I guess you had

> to use all caps to avoid looking like a total dumbass.

 

Gorsh! Your razor-sharp wit has gotten me again! *sniff!*

 

> > A pathetic little wanker. For a

> > long time, I thought that the whole "ugly king" persona

> > was just another ACT, something which I find detestable,

> > but acceptable coming from a pathetic turd like you. Now

> > that you've gone out of your way to BECOME the ACT, you've

> > sunk below the level of "pathetic" to just down-right WORTHLESS.

> Andrew, the fact the myself just being myself can piss off a

> stupid drunken lazy ignorant hair farmer like you gives me a

> warm fuzzy feeling inside.

 

Heheheh. Craig, if you actually think that you have pissed

me off, then you have some serious issues about delusions of

grandeur. I find you pathetic. I find you sickening. I find

you a waste of space other than as the kicking-dog of alt.slack.

 

It used to be Lou Duchez for a while. Remember that? However,

Lou's sweetness-n-light ideals can't hold a candle to your

level of supplication.

 

> I wonder what the real Andrew was like before he decided that

> he had to suppress his real personality and adapt some stupid

> shit conspiracy approved persona just to get laid? Maybe

> that's why I piss him off no end?

 

No, before you even draw the conclusion, Craig, I was *not* a

whining failure of a man who gets his glee from the fact that

he is a whining failure.

 

> > take one look at you and turn you into a SQUIRREL and stuff

> > you in a PUMKIN for

> > DR. K'TADEN LEGUME'S PLEASURE.

> That's pumpkin, dipshit. If you're going to use all caps

> at least spell it right.

 

"pum'kin", "pumkin" and "pumpkin" are all accepted spellings

for the local vernacular. But, c'mon, Craig, you're doing so

well with flaming my ass, please keep 'em coming and don't

resort to mere SPELLING and GRAMMAR corrections!

 

You've told me that I'm a mopey goth, no, a frat boy pretending

to be a sissy mopey goth in order to get laid, who doesn't think, who

can't spell, who's preoccupied with your dick, and who can't

make sense so I have to WRITE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.

 

Did I miss anything? Already you've brought me down so low that

I don't know if I can muster the energy to even feel sorry for

myself!

 

> And, by the way Andrew, people are more likely to do favors

> for you if you use a nicer, more respectful tone of voice.

 

Respect is something that I doubt very highly you know much about.

 

Pity, on the other hand, seems to be your holy grail.

 

> > YOU WILL GET LAID, CRAIG. I'm making DAMN SURE of that now...

> What, are you going to "lay" me out at the X-day drill?

 

No, you will get laid. You will have sex. That's all.

 

yer best pal,

-st. andreux

 

: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:(Rev. Dr. Phrederick Q. Armageddon (pope.))

Email: phred@chicagonet.net

Date:1998/04/13

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

On Wed, 08 Apr 1998 10:06:32 -0600, saint@prairienet.org spake thusly:

 

>SNIP!!!

>

>> > YOU WILL GET LAID, CRAIG. I'm making DAMN SURE of that now...

>> What, are you going to "lay" me out at the X-day drill?

>

> No, you will get laid. You will have sex. That's all.

>

I, however, will plan on having no sex, whatever; not even my

Pre-X-Day Masturbatory Tantric Exorcises!

 

Why do I do this? Tradition! Just because X-Day's coming and

thousands of nubile, flexible and unattached FeHums will be carousing

through Brushwood like the Revelers of Dionysis is no reason why I

should discontinue my unflappable prudishness. In the ensuing chaos,

there must be ONE level mind. When Stang is having his appendages

ripped off in a fit of orgiastic glee, I will be there, taking notes.

While Legume performs unspeakable acts upon the Tribal Drummers,

afterwords tossing their limp, spent bodies upon the bonfire, I will

be hiding in the bushes, making a full report! Yea! Even Shall Craig's

MIGHTY Scepter be Pump'd, grow'n huge with the Spunk of YetiSyn LUFF;

I shall document the proceedings objectively, wearing rain slickers...

 

I? A coward? No! I have no reservations whatever to joining the fun

and frolic; however, I must stay mine hand.

 

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!

 

Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

Author:(Rev. Dr. Phrederick Q. Armageddon (pope.))

Email:phred@chicagonet.net

Date:1998/04/13

Forums:alt.slack

 

On Wed, 08 Apr 1998 10:06:32 -0600, saint@prairienet.org spake thusly:

 

>SNIP!!!

>

>> > YOU WILL GET LAID, CRAIG. I'm making DAMN SURE of that now...

>> What, are you going to "lay" me out at the X-day drill?

>

> No, you will get laid. You will have sex. That's all.

>

I, however, will plan on having no sex, whatever; not even my

Pre-X-Day Masturbatory Tantric Exorcises!

 

Why do I do this? Tradition! Just because X-Day's coming and

thousands of nubile, flexible and unattached FeHums will be carousing

through Brushwood like the Revelers of Dionysis is no reason why I

should discontinue my unflappable prudishness. In the ensuing chaos,

there must be ONE level mind. When Stang is having his appendages

ripped off in a fit of orgiastic glee, I will be there, taking notes.

While Legume performs unspeakable acts upon the Tribal Drummers,

afterwords tossing their limp, spent bodies upon the bonfire, I will

be hiding in the bushes, making a full report! Yea! Even Shall Craig's

MIGHTY Scepter be Pump'd, grow'n huge with the Spunk of YetiSyn LUFF;

I shall document the proceedings objectively, wearing rain slickers...

 

I? A coward? No! I have no reservations whatever to joining the fun

and frolic; however, I must stay mine hand.

 

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law!

 

And I'll be takin' pictures! Yippee!!! And I'll be takin' pictures! Yippee!!!

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:truwe

Email:truwe@miNd.net

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

Pastor Craig wrote:

> How about "Candidate for Crazed Whore of Babylon of alt.slack"?

 

I saw a picture of the Whore of Babylon yesterday. See, Pop likes to

buy me weird evangelical stuff and kookery, and he found me a whole

STACK of Jehovah's Witnesses tracts. Usually he leaves them there, as

they're kinda boring, but there were about three feet of them.

 

I really wanted to keep them on a shelf and organize them by color.*

See, they're all the same size and look otherwise. I could have

collected them and had a RAINBOW. Unfortunately, all my bookshelves are

full of books, except the one with CDs on it. So I had to get rid of

them. I'm trying to decrease my stuff turnaround anyway, letting it go

free to flow to other people and increase their slack, rather than

sitting in my room until a cat pees on it.

 

But, I was looking through one of 'em, just because JWs have such neat

art. On page 210, next to pictures of drinking and dancing and

blaspheming, was a picture of the WHORE OF BABYLON on the Beast with 10

heads and 7 horns. The Beast looked a lot like this She-Ra action

figure I used to have**, a big fuzzy cat with a lot of different faces

on the same head, like your average pickled 2-headed calf. It was

brilliant red. The Whore of Babylon...well, she looked pretty hot, if a

little tipsy or possibly just goofy, bearing in mind that it was a 2x3"

or so picture. Red hair and purple robes, and apparently a Cup Full Of

Fornications means just an empty cup. Either that or there wasn't

enough room to draw in any detail. Oh, well.

 

No disrespect meant, but she looked pretty much how I've been imagining

MegaLiz as looking. She looked like she was having a good time, riding

that big deformed kitty.

 

Anyway, I gave them to my little buddy Charlie, who also likes Christian

goofiness, and is many times more easily amused than I am. He wheeled

himself down the hall, accosting people and giving them The Good Word,

then whacking them behind the kneecaps and laughing. I like Charlie.

Some time I'll have to tell you about how he got his membership.

 

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnna

--

|<truwe@mind.net> | Ben, Shelley, Matie and/or Annna* | 114 Earls! |

| "Uh oh. Cassius Clay's out. He's been K.O.'d by Arnold Palmer in|

| the fourth quarter." -- St. Chris the Baptist |%%%% 39 Daves %%%%|

| * secret email: annna(at)earthling.net| see scenic alt.slack.devo|

--------------------------------------------------------------------

*Insight into my psyche here.

** I had about 5 She-Ra action figures when I was a kid. I was mostly

into He-Man and little metal cars. And digging in the dirt with stolen

kitchen utensils.

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:MegaLiz

Email:nospamum@radix.net

Date:1998/04/06

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

truwe@miNd.net wrote:

 

: blaspheming, was a picture of the WHORE OF BABYLON on the Beast with 10

: heads and 7 horns. The Beast looked a lot like this She-Ra action

: figure I used to have**, a big fuzzy cat with a lot of different faces

: on the same head, like your average pickled 2-headed calf. It was

: brilliant red. The Whore of Babylon...well, she looked pretty hot, if a

: little tipsy or possibly just goofy, bearing in mind that it was a 2x3"

: or so picture. Red hair and purple robes, and apparently a Cup Full Of

: Fornications means just an empty cup. Either that or there wasn't

: enough room to draw in any detail. Oh, well.

:

: No disrespect meant, but she looked pretty much how I've been imagining

: MegaLiz as looking. She looked like she was having a good time, riding

: that big deformed kitty.

 

Sorry, Annna, I'm not at all hot and I don't have red hair, at least

NOT YET. The part about riding the pickled calf is DEAD ON, though.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Is it just me...or do I have tape in my hair?" - Spunky

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author: Pastor Craig

Email:craig@bbs.cpcn.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

Little Tarla has a dreat for us by typing:

 

>craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) makes flaming easy and fun by

>writing:

 

>>>> Hey, I'm not married and not involved with anyone. Come July 5 1998

>>>> I'll have all of the sex I'll ever want.

 

>>> Unh huh. So you're hoping that the X-ists are less discriminating

>>> than human females, I guess.

 

>> "unh huh"? Is that how an Okey says uh-huh? These are the pleasure

>> ships of the sex GODESSES, Tarla. Ergo, they will be whatever you

>> want, when ever you want and will fufill one's ever need. Not just

>> mine, but all of the 30$ card carrying SubGenii' wishes.

 

> If they fullfill MY wishes, you won't be onboard of anything.

 

From your perspective, I won't. From my perspective, I'll be watching

you walk down the street in you most expensive Besty Johnson and not

getting any reaction whatsoever from the construction workers, not

even when you "inadvertently" flash them by bending over.

 

And it will be the same place! Praise "Bob"!

 

>>>> Why should I waste the

>>>> remaining time I have left on earth on sex?

 

>>> Waste? No wonder you can't get laid.

 

>> What kind of new age psuedo psycho babble is this? "Oh, Pastor Craig,

>> all you have to do to get laid is believe, believe, BELIEVE, and the

>> pixies will help you get laid."

 

> Not even the pixies could help you. You think sex is a waste of time.

 

Figures that the corn moonshine drinking, Arkansas Polio Weed smoking,

red-necked, closet new-age beleiving denizens of Oklahoma are into pixies.

 

>>>> Even if I could get

>>>> some, at this point I would turn it down.

 

>>> That's what all the pathetic losers say.

 

>> Odd, I haven't heard you say it recently.

 

> Point in fact.

 

Circle in fiction. Feed a cold, starve a fever. Tra la la la la.

 

>>>> pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you play in?

 

>>> You're not a player. You're a batboy. Fetch.

 

>> You're dodging the question. Which league do you play in?

>> The "Oh I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend

>> I'm the crazed whore of Babylon on USENET" League?

 

> I'm curious to know where you get this shit.

 

It's just a question Tarla. You can tell by the '?' at the end.

 

> I've never PRETENDED anything, much less to being a whore.

 

lol

 

> I know it bugs the shit out of you to actually contemplate the

> fact that some of us CAN keep our promises, but it does happen.

 

ROTFLOL

 

>> And since when didn't you become a "player" (black slang for pimp)?

>> Are the LSotPJ your hoes?

 

> I've never claimed to be a "player." That's your terminology.

 

Nope, you brought up the term.

 

>>>> Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You hear alot about

>>>> people saying they "scored" last night. Who's winning?

 

>>> Me. I always win and I'm always right.

 

>> Odd, Andrew is always braging about how much pussy he gets. Doesn't

>> that mean he scores more that you?

 

> Andrew never brags about how much pussy he gets.

 

This is too much. Get this girl a sitcom.

 

> I have no way of knowing how often he has sex

 

Go on IRC on Sunday.

 

> and I'm not in the business of comparing my sex life with his.

 

But you said that sex was a sport. What is a sport without

comparitive statistics. You know, like yards per rush (to put it

in Okie lingo).

 

> You'll have to buy a magazine or a porn film Craig.

 

No prob! Magazine don't do a lot for me. I prefer porno films.

 

> I'm not going to provide you with fantasy material.

 

And how do YOU know I don't masterbate to the alleged flames of

people who think that they are cooler than me?

 

And why did you post that binary?

 

>> And as for you being always right, there is of course no way to dispute

>> this. To do so would require logical argumentation and for you to

>> accept the results. I don't see this happening any time soon.

 

> Neither do I. You lack any of the required abilities.

 

And yet you attempt to have a rational conversation with me. I wonder

what that says about you?

 

>> But then again there is one infallible test: Did you send in your 30$?

 

> Of course I did.

 

Then you ARE always right. Even and especially when you think I'm a dumbass

and you're not, and I think you're a dumbass and I'm not, because the

apparent contradiction is merely an illusion, praise "Bob"!

 

Pastor Craig

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author: TarlaStar

Email: !!!bmyers@ionet.net

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

Sketchy Albedo <revjack@radix.net> wrote:

 

>Exqueeze me for possibly being a wet blanket, but is there some sort of

>special siginificance to "getting laid"? If someone does not "get laid"

>for whatever reason, does this somehow make them inferior or an outsider?

>Can any of the mighty SubGenii tell me what COLOR this sort of attitude

>represents?

 

No Jack, there's absolutely NO special significance to "getting laid."

Anna doesn't "get laid", Dave doesn't either. I lurve both of them.

What's irritating is when you WHINE about not getting laid, get told

at least a dozen ways to change that situation, continue whining, take

no advice or completely ignore it and keep fucking WHINING. The

special significance is in the WHINING.

***

Reverend Mutha Tarla Star of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually

Juicy; a Proud jism schism of the Church of the SubGenius.

Worshipping Juicy Retardo and "Connie" Dobbs since 1986.

 

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Dr.Legume

Email:legume@subgenius.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

Sketchy Albedo wrote:

>

> Exqueeze me for possibly being a wet blanket, but is there some sort of

> special siginificance to "getting laid"? If someone does not "get laid"

> for whatever reason, does this somehow make them inferior or an outsider?

> Can any of the mighty SubGenii tell me what COLOR this sort of attitude

> represents?

 

Why, PINK, of course.

Hot, juicy, pink.

Wet, pungent, undulating pink.

The glistening pinkness of sweet, sweet PUSSY.

 

But I digress...

--

Dr.K'taden Legume

Evangelist Gunslinger

Church of the SubGenius (Holocaustal)

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author: Curtis R. Anderson

Email:gleepy@intelligencia.com

Date:1998/04/06

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

Sketchy Albedo wrote:

>

> Exqueeze me for possibly being a wet blanket, but is there some sort of

> special siginificance to "getting laid"? If someone does not "get laid"

> for whatever reason, does this somehow make them inferior or an outsider?

> Can any of the mighty SubGenii tell me what COLOR this sort of attitude

> represents?

 

The color is PINK, I tell you!

 

To me, the whole concept of "getting laid" is nothing more than the

Con's way of controlling my life. I don't care about "getting laid" at

all.

 

I don't care to get married and have to worry about some female

companion sucking out all my Slack through my wallet or eyes or

whatever. So what if the Con wants to penalize me for not being married

by not offering the same tax breaks or whatever.

 

I don't care to have children which, when raised, if you make the

slightest attempt at disciplining them, they way whine to their school

guidance counselor that you are abusing them. That way an arrest warrant

is issued for you and they toss you in the clanger to becone Bubba's new

girlfriend BEFORE you get a chance to see the judge.

 

Big Brother can go fuck humself with a giant dildo for all I care.

--

Curtis R. Anderson, Co-creator of "Gleepy the Hen", SP 2.5?, KoX

help

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:Harfs

Email:TunaBloat@cheeser.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) after half a hundred opportunities,

FINALLY comes snarling out of his packing crate pushing a

wobbly-wheeled shopping cart full of recycled snotties and

mission-handout witticisms

 

 

>Lurch puts on a the harfs user id and his 25 cent toys R us toupee,

>gleeful in his self-deluded opinion that anyone was fooled, and typed:

 

Toys 'R' Us sells toupees? How about Aerosol hair? If they do I guess

can start shoplifting some of that stuff, instead of surreptitiously

plucking the Baby Burp-A-Lot dolls and gluing the fuzz to your head

with Sir Goony Glue.

 

>gleeful in his self-deluded opinion that anyone was fooled, and typed:

 

DAMN! And people say you're a DUFUS that can't spell, write coherently

or be even a TINY bit funny. Well, you done showed them. Sure am glad

I NEVER said anything of the sort. Wouldn't want someone with your

high-powered perception GUNNIN' for ME.

 

>> craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

>

>> Hope tarla don't object to me sticking me nose in here, but hey,

>> what kin ah say. I got here first

>

>Only if you give her a PROPER foot massage and pedicure this time,

>bitch.

 

Pardon me boy, but I think it's sorta funny how most poonless twits

think the way to a woman's cooter is through her feet. I guess that's

a natural fixation given all the time they spend on their knees

begging for at least a quick glimpse of one, and, in your case anyway,

buffing wingtips and blabbering on about Bob for Breakwind at the

train station

 

>>>Tarla Star opens a giant can of whoop-ass and writes:

>

>> that was a really awful movie you stole that line from.

>

>I don't watch dumbass movies, dumbass. I'm borrowing it from

>Stone Cold Steve (I jobbed to Mikey Whipwreck in Philly) Austin.

 

who borrowed it from a dumbass movie. And who cares whose Mikey you

jobbed on and where, dumbass? huhuhuhuh. I call't you a dumbass right

back. HUHUHUH. Take that. I knock myself out. HUHUHUH

 

>>>>craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

>

>>>>>Tarla Star spoketh:

>

>>>>>> craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

>

>>>>>> >Well Tarla, whatever floats your boat.

>

>> Well. That's just great, Craig. Using this sort of imbecilic

>> and painfully unoriginal rejoinder would have been enough to

>> make even ol' AGNEW go "PEW." Can't you even come up with a

>> cliche of your own? Like maybe: "Well, Craig, whatever slop

>> bloats your shoat" or "whatever tunes your bassoon?"

>> or....

>

>> now you try

>

>Lurch, must we still hear the nattering nabobs of negativity?

>Oh well, whatever blows your knickers up.

 

Well, I meant to for you to try to come up with one of your own.

(quoting and paraphrasing existing ones doesn't really count). But I

know that would have probably caused some sort of fatal brain overload

and big cartoon "TILT" letters to appear just above your Simonized

dome, and then we would have missed all of these fabulous comebacks.

So I can see you had our best interests at heart when you elected not

to do try. You are a very considerate guy.

 

 

>>>>>> I like real live bodies. But I understand that's way out of

>>>>>> your league.

>

>>>>> You say that like it's something wrong.

>

>>>>> Hey, I'm not married and not involved with anyone. Come July 5

>>>>> 1998 I'll have all of the sex I'll ever want.

>

>>>> Unh huh. So you're hoping that the X-ists are less discriminating

>>>> than human females, I guess.

>

>>> "unh huh"? Is that how an Okey says uh-huh? These are the

>>> pleasure ships of the sex GODESSES, Tarla. Ergo, they will be

>>> whatever you want, when ever you want and will fufill one's

>>> ever need.

>

>> So yours will look like a copy of "JUGGS" and a box of

>> tissues, right?

>

>You have a PROBLEM with that son? Why are YOU so concerned about

>what makes my dick hard? Going lavender on us or something?

 

Well, sport, you are nothing if not consistent. Next time I'll just go

ahead and write in your response for you. Anyway, try to learn to

recognize the difference between disgust and concern. Even a

rudimentary ability to do so will help you minimize wasted effort and

time in your ongoing amatory endeavors. Well, it would if your

perceptions were not so skewed and your self-image so understandably

LOW that "wasted" is the only way to describe just about all the time

you may or may not have spent on them.

 

>Besides, it would be "Big 'ums".

 

what the fuck is an 'um?

 

>>>Not just mine, but all of the 30$ card carrying SubGenii' wishes

>

>> the sense has been avoided of the making here towards the

>> bottom side of the end

>

>Word!

 

nescient

 

>>>>> Why should I waste the

>>>>> remaining time I have left on earth on sex?

>

>>>> Waste? No wonder you can't get laid.

>

>>> What kind of new age psuedo psycho babble is this? "Oh,

>>> Pastor Craig, all you have to do to get laid is believe,

>>> believe, BELIEVE, and the pixies will help you get laid."

>

>> Might try believing in yourself.

>

>> Ah, never mind. Sorry. Scratch that. Was a stupid thing

>> to say.

>

>I forgive you.

 

mighty white of ya!

 

>>>>> Even if I could get

>>>>> some, at this point I would turn it down.

>

>>>> That's what all the pathetic losers say.

>

>>> Odd, I haven't heard you say it recently.

>

>> OOOH. The REVERSAL.! Whoda seen that coming? FOO ON YOU

>> TIMES TWO. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO MEAN TO YOURSELF LIKE

>> YOU WAS SOMEBODY ELSE?!! NYAAHH NYAAAH

>

>Posting in all caps makes the baby Jesus cry.

 

and makes Craig say REALLY stupid stuff.

 

 

>>>>> pps Tarla, which league do I play in and which league do you

>>>>> play in?

>

>>>> You're not a player. You're a batboy. Fetch.

>

>>> You're dodging the question. Which league do you play in?

>>> The "Oh I only have sex with my SO but I like to pretend I'm

>>> the crazed whore of Babylon on USENET" League?

>

>> Well, whatever it is, it beats the hell out of your admittedly

>> slick and nearly perfected deliberate, self-debasing,

>> self-fullfilling "I'm a goddam hopeless loser that has to wank

>> and whine all the time because I'm ugly and drippy and even the

>> girls with faces like rotten vegetables threaten to mace me if

>> I come within fifty feet of them. WAH," persona.

>

>Apparently, you just haven't been paying close enough attention

>to the content of my posts, lurch. I very easily make friends

>with all manner of females because since the females are not

>sexually attracted to me I am considered non-threatening.

 

Well, you got me there. I HAVEN'T been paying very close attention to

the contents of your posts. I REALLY have been enjoying the FAQ,

though. Every FUCKING word.

 

 

>And what's wrong with wanking? Me and Rosie Palm are the best

>of buddies. Really U Should Try.

 

Craig, as usual, I gotta HAND it to you. Quite a brilliant strategy,

really, to toss of stuff like "Rosie Palm," in an obvious attempt to

appear so pathetic that I will LOOK BAD if I continue to razz you. I

mean, nobody could really be such a drip that they'd think it was

actually CLEVER to say shit like that. HAHA. But, still, you aren't

fooling me, and YOU still can't get off that easy.

 

Left you one there. See if you can find it.

 

>>> And since when didn't you become a "player" (black slang for

>>> pimp)? Are the LSotPJ your hoes?

>

>> news for ya Craig. Player is slang for a lot of stuff. But it

>> figgers you'd be hung up on black ho's. And you probably should

>> be getting a medal for scaring them all out of your

>> neighborhood. One glance at Craig pimp-rolling up the street

>> wearing a Beloit Fairies Starter Jacket, inflatable sneakers

>> with rear-view mirrors and sequential LEDs, a fake snap-on

>> gold tooth and toting a big roll of ones with a five on the

>> outside yellin': "WHO WANT'S TO PAH-TEE" sent them needle-tracked

>> bitches high-tailing it back to their to telemarketing jobs in

>> paroxysm of sheer terror that the Do-Ragged,

>> hoglegged-12-gauge-double barrell-Toting MR Cleticquovarticus

>> the psycho-pimp could never even HOPE to duplicate. Dat's da

>> werd on da streets, annywayz. GOOD SHOW.

>

>You're just jealous.

 

You're just plain AWFUL at this.

 

 

>>>>> Has sex become a sport these days? Maybe it has. You

>>>>> hear alot about people saying they "scored" last night.

>>>>> Who's winning?

>

>>>> Me. I always win and I'm always right.

>

>>> Odd, Andrew is always braging about how much pussy he gets.

>>> Doesn't that mean he scores more that you?

>

>> Don't think so. I think it means he claims to get more pussy

>> than she does. Tarla's a female and all, so I'm not sure

>> this is terribly persuasive support for whatever completely

>> idiotic point you imagine you are making here.

>

>Well, Lurch, it's like this. Usually in sports (except in such

>wimpy games as golf) the person who has scored the most wins.

>Since Tarla has claimed to be a Mexican Lesbian, I mearly

>made the assumption (making an ass of u and mption)

 

WOW! Hey! Look at this! Craig has CLEVERLY taken a completely worn-out

long-before-it-was-beat-to-death-on-the-Muppet Show word dissection

stupidism and made it EVEN STUPIDER all by his OWN SELF (presumably).

Damn good start. Now take some Ibuprofen and rest up.

 

 

>that the

>person who was getting the most pussy was winning.

 

 

 

>Hope this helps.

>

>>> And as for you being always right, there is of course no way to

>>> dispute this. To do so would require logical argumentation and

>>> for you to accept the results. I don't see this happening any

>>> time soon.

>

>> Yeah, for once you are right. As I don't see you managing

>> the former, which in turn makes the latter pretty unlikely.

>

>Oh come on, using logic and all caps in the same post is tacky.

 

Fuck, this IS sorta depressing. I may be helpless in the face of such

a strategy after all, and JUST HAVE to cut my losses and give up on

this shit.

 

 

NYAAAAAAAAH

 

 

harfs

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

 

Author:axel heyst

Email:axel@SPAMX.verinet.com

Date:1998/04/05

Forums:alt.slack

 

In article <6g79mn$66l@netaxs.com>, craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

 

> >From: "Dr.Legume" <legume@subgenius.com>

> >Subject: Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

> >Date: Sat, 04 Apr 1998 23:09:18 -0800

>

> > Not only do I not have big hair, I have a big bald Xist landing

> > pad on my head, I'm usually broke, I have a big beer gut and

> > pimples on my ass. I'm also a high-ranking member of a Texas

> > UFO Death Cult that launches rubber golfer heads and worships

> > a piece of yellow pages clip-art. I've got the deck stacked

> > against me BIGTIME in the Getting Laid Department.

>

> > Yet I still get laid, by beautiful women, while Craig, who's

> > in pretty good shape, single, and with a good-paying job,

> > complains that women won't fuck him because he's UGLY.

>

> > What is is about me that women find attractive? STEEL.

>

> > Craig cant get laid because he's so afraid of being turned

> > down he won't even try. Women sense this. Women like their

> > men to be MEN. No woman wants a man they can't respect.

>

> Gee, you make the dating process sound so attactive.

>

> "It's like a jungle out there. Them women are the enemy. You

> can't show them no fear. They can smell it."

>

> But, let me say for the record, that I have no fear whatsoever

> of being turned down for a date. I do have a lack of time for

> dating and a lack of opportunity to meet unattached females.

>

Sounds like bullshit to me, P. Craig, otherwise why complain? I've

never met Legume and I doubt I ever will. We have so little in common and

I gather are so ideologically opposed on just about any goddam issue you

could pick outta of a hat that we'd rather kill each other than admit we

share anything at all. BUT, he speaks the truth here. I know shit from

steel, but I do know that women value self-confidence, and I'm not talking

about being cocky and know-it-all and in general being the type of asshole

that nobody likes. I'm talking about being the type of guy that doesn't

shit a Pinto wagon when he's confronted with something unexpected.

It could be being able to handle yourself at a truckstop and not only

not getting into a fight but actually having the truckers asking you for

your email address, DESPITE not having said anything that went against

your principles. Fuck, I was in a bar one time in Paris that was a hangout

for the marines attached to guard the US Embassy. At that time (early

'80's) the marines were known for acting generally like assholes, and not

giving a particular fuck if anyone minded. This particular night ol' Axel

decided to get plowed and start asking these guys about what they thought

they were doing acting like such dickheads and all (The bar, Cactus

Charley's still exists, on a sidestreet near the Champs D'Elysees). Those

jarheads were like about to kill me, and given my intoxicated insults,

they should have. But they saw I wasn't scared, and despite the average

marine being at *least* six inches taller than me and prolly sixty pounds

heavier they held off, maybe to wait until I left the bar so's they could

jump me (something they DID do to some other folks).

In the meantime I started talking to them, telling them why I saw their

behavior as being injurious to already bad feelings from the French

towards Americans. I was as fucking obnoxious as anyone could be, with

three or four of these guys staring me down while I sat on my barstool

getting shitfaced and spouting idealistic world peace crap that even I

didn't believe. But here's the upshot: we found enough to shoot the shit

about that as the night went on I actually became friends with these guys,

having conceded NOTHING in terms of my simplistic dogma and in the

meantime attracted some women who were either siding with me or the

marines.

Well, long story short, that night my marine friends who would have

otherwise fed me my own puny dick ended up helping me steal a full-size

French flag from in front of another embassy building, and to this day my

brother uses it that flag as a wallcovering. He's a PhD now, but he loves

that fucking tri-color! AND, I ended up screwing an English woman in the

men's room at CC's while a whole bunch of drunks shouted for me to open

the door and later I got a blowjob in front of the English Embassy from

another British babe whose father was some damn thing or another-never did

get the story straight.

The thing is, PCraig, I am not a tough guy-big surprise. And time goes

on. I am now in my mid-thirties and finding it harder 'n' harder to shed

my "winter coat" of fat as spring rolls around. The last argument I had in

a bar was in a fucking wine bar, and it was about the merits of Gruet

champagne compared to Taittingers' Domaine Ste. Michelle. Nobody was gonna

pull out a shiv over that (it's a no-brainer!). But fuckin' a wouldn't you

know it a guy I was with hadda flat tire on his car when we were on our

way out and he damn well DID NOT KNOW how to change a tire! This was a big

deal to these people! They were talking about leaving the car there and

calling AAA (a rip-off) in the morning or calling a tow-truck to fix the

flat. THIS IS TRUE! I changed the tire while they were standing there

bullshitting about it. The chicks were amazed! Do you get it? The guys

looking to call AAA didn't get any! It's the same goddam thing no matter

how you transpose the story. Women like a take-charge approach!

Ah shit, I'm leaving on Tuesday for a nice vacation and I'll bet a

gajillion dollars I get laid, and I bet it'll be from some not-poor chick

who's not desperate and who respects someone who can live by his wits and

doesn't sit around whining about never getting any. I swear here and

anywhere else, I have NEVER met a woman who wasn't hornier than me and

it's not because I'm so hot. I never act pathetic, and I know how to

change a fucking tire.

 

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

Author:saint andreux

Email:saint@prairienet.org

Date:1998/04/10

Forums:alt.slack

 

 

 

 

 

In article <6gjvqf$ane@netaxs.com>,

craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

> > And if you do someday reproduce, I hope that your children realise

> > what a lame pathetic whiner you are and have the good sense to leave

> > you before they learn to emulate you.

>

> Forgotten July 5 1998? Dumbass.

 

Forgotten that Dobbs has been wrong in the past? Dumbass,

 

That's right, don't hedge your bet.

 

Will you still be "happy" on July 6th, if the saucers don't arrive,

returning to your pathetic slackless life where you're nothing

but a whining divorced balding bespectacled nerd?

 

"Bob" sold you a reservation seat on the saucers. For other people,

they got that and a whole shitload of slack, power, and money for

their $30.

 

-st. andreux

 

 

Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

Author:Pastor Craig

Email:craig@bbs.cpcn.com

Date:1998/04/11

Forums: alt.slack

 

 

> From: saint@prairienet.org

> Subject: Re: Warning: Official Pastor Craig whine

> Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 12:27:57 -0600

 

> In article <6gjvqf$ane@netaxs.com>,

> craig@bbs.cpcn.com (Pastor Craig) wrote:

> > > And if you do someday reproduce, I hope that your children realise

> > > what a lame pathetic whiner you are and have the good sense to leave

> > > you before they learn to emulate you.

 

> > Forgotten July 5 1998? Dumbass.

 

> Forgotten that Dobbs has been wrong in the past? Dumbass,

 

Forgotten that Friedrich Nietzsche died in an insane asylum and wrote

most of his works long after his mind had been destroyed by the

syphilis he acquired in his youth by the same anonymous sex that you

champion so?

 

> That's right, don't hedge your bet.

 

> Will you still be "happy" on July 6th, if the saucers don't arrive,

> returning to your pathetic slackless life where you're nothing

> but a whining divorced balding bespectacled nerd?

 

I'm not sure why you think my life is slackless. If you couldn't get

any for an extended period of time, you would surely lose your slack.

I still have mine.

 

As for the balding and bespectacled thing, yes I do have male pattern

baldness and yes I do wear perscription glasses. So what?

 

As for the nerd thing, yes I am a nerd, and have always been one.

So what?

 

Andrew, if you think the only standard of worth a person has is his

appearence, you might as well kill yourself now and leave a half

way exceptable looking corpse, because you won't get any prettier

and there's nothing so embarassing as a ladies man past his prime.

 

> "Bob" sold you a reservation seat on the saucers. For other people,

> they got that and a whole shitload of slack, power, and money for

> their $30.

 

There you go with the power thing. I'm guessing right now that you

don't want the saucers to come. I'm guessing that you LOVE this

conspiracy dominated world.

 

Andrew, you might have gotten "power" and "money" but I doubt if

you really got true slack. True slack does not need to be taken

from other people. True slack comes from within.

 

Pastor Craig