I am quite probably a dumbass

Author:Ayatollah Mullah Fakir

Email: yesno@maybe.com

Date: 1998/06/07



And that opens just about as many doors as it closes. I'm pretty

confident that I killed Dobbs the exact same second I witnessed the real

live, pre-divorce "Bob" Tilton play a damn hot gig at the Word o' Faith

Family Church (I-35 at Valley View Farmers Branch, N. Dallas) oh,

probably about 1986 or so. (Actually, I probably killed "Bob" at the

same moment I realized there was no Santa Claus but never mind that.)

Dammit, Pastor Tilton DID utter the words "Hora bassanda kitira

dobosoya", after all, several times. I sent HIM $1, and received, over

a couple month's time:


1. a cracker-jack-surprise-sized packet of holy "annointing oil", which

I still have

2. a similar-sized packet of Miracle Soil in which I was to plant my

"Miracle Seed of Faith"

3. a red prayer "cloth" which appears to be made out of some sort of

petrolium product.


He "healed" the "sick" and "rolled" on the "prayer" requests. He got on

his hands and knees and FONDLED them. People in the audience collapsed

foaming and flopping in the ailes, until the Cue Music played which told

them it was time to get into their Toyota Corollas with the bumper

stickers on them that said "I'd Rather Be Practicising Hinduism" and

drive to Burger King before it was "too late".


If this Conspiracy is soOOOo insidious that it doesn't even know it's a

friggin conspiracy, wouldn't it be all the more insidious if the one

"entity" that claims to realize the Conspiracy *is* an insidious

conspiracy turned out to be a particularly deceptive tentacle of the

Conspiracy itself? After all, if "Bob" needs your mere $30 in exchange

for eternal salvation, what would McDonalds' $30 zillion buy IT? Looks

like your salvation is being offered as a LOSS-LEADER. Or maybe not.

But, Eeeeeeeeeverything has a price. If "MICKET D'S" [sic] realized

that images of Dobbsheads could be easily exploited to make 14 year-old

CyBeRHaXoRxZ feel more Cyber-Hip when they watch the commercials and

that showing a picture of a plastic Big Mac with a pipe protruding from

under the styrofoam bun could eventually help to move lots of "product"

for the fiscal quarter, at what price would the Church sell all the

rights to all the graven images of Dobbs and The Pipe? I can envision

"somebody" taking a big fat check from Ronald McDonald himself (while

they both don fake smiles and jointly hold a giant Fisher-Price

Make-Believe Check [non-negotiable] while the cameras flash and whirr)

and disappearing off to Switzerland or Ireland or Area 51, leaving

behind a note explaining that "he" was the only one worthy to leave on

the "pleasure saucers" and that all the rest of us can just lump it.


Once, there was a female who caught my eye and the attention of several

of my more intimate glands. Turns out she already had a "boyfriend". He

came over all friendly-like, showed me his cheap-ass

dot-matrix-printed "card" proclaiming him a member of what he described

as an "offshoot" of the Church of the SubGenius, babbled about Phillip

K. Dick novels, and gave me one of those MANLY handshakes, told me to

stay away from his "girlfriend", and left. I think he either gave her a

hickey or a ring or pissed on her later. Doesn't matter which, he was

just marking territory. Eventually, I was able to deprogram her and

ended up "getting" her, which was good because, well, let's just say she

had *more than three warm places to put it.* His name was, and

remained, "Judd." Need I say more?


Sure, fight "the Conspiracy." Fight "corporate greed." Fight "the

Man." But you'll have a hard-ass time doing it unless you're

buck-nekkid and subsisting ONLY on a diet of bark, bugs, lizards, and

leaves. Probably.




Shaheed? Shamoot!

Ayatollah Mullah Fakir