Pair of Great Rants By Other People
Author: Nolan Voyde <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Forums: alt.slack, alt.religion.subgenius
I've been spending some time over in al.atheism.satire, and found a
couple of articles that I thought were pretty interesting. They're
presented here just as I found them.
Subject: In God's Room (a little story of science vs. creation)
From: email@example.com (Curtis Poe)
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 98 18:26:47 GMT
This story may not be reproduced in any form for profit without
the written permission of the author. This story may be freely
distributed with this notice attached so long as nothing is changed.
The author may be contacted through firstname.lastname@example.org. This
story is copyright 1997 by Curtis A. Poe.
To all flamers: I post the following without any intention to offend.
If what I say bothers you, please realize that I merely intend this as
my sincere belief as to how various individuals see the world
differently. Please do not respond maliciously to my sincerity.
Of course, if you choose to flame, I will not respond.
In God's Room
One fine spring day, four young men stood outside of a door
that read "God's Room." For some strange reason, no one had ever
opened this door and the four men were curious what was on the other
side. Being rather adventurous, they opened the door
and went in.
What a mess! Strewn all about the room were pieces of broken
ceramic. Big pieces, little pieces, red pieces, blue pieces, pieces
of all sizes and shapes that you could imagine and quite a few that
you couldn't. One of the men went forward to examine the pieces while
the others stood by wondering why "quite a few" meant many.
The one who went forward turned back to the others. "It was a
statue!" exclaimed Mr. Scientist. "A marvelous statue with a size and
shape that we can't even imagine."
The discussion immediately fell to whether they should
reassemble the statue. Mr. Public, eyeing the pieces with a dubious
air, announced that he wasn't really interested in what the statue
looked like. "Besides, I'm far too busy to spend my time on such a
Mr. Religion announced that he already knew what the statue
looked like and it would be a waste of effort to assemble the pieces.
Mr. Scientist, however, was filled with enthusiasm. "Well I
don't know what it looks like and I'm going to find out!" Whereupon
he immediately threw himself into the task of reassembling the various
parts of the statue. He was a little dismayed that Mr. Public and Mr.
Religion did not want to help him, but he shrugged. He wanted to know
what the statue looked like and if he had to do it all by himself, so
Mr. Scientist labored for a long time, trying to assemble
whatever parts of the statue he could. Sometimes the pieces fit
together easily and Mr. Scientist could smile with pride. Other
times, Mr. Scientist would struggle to fit the pieces together only to
realize that they just didn't fit the way he wanted them to fit. At
times like this, Mr. Scientist would pull his hair in dismay and think
bad thoughts about the others who would not help him.
Finally, the fourth man spoke: "I know what the statue looks
like and I will help you build it."
Mr. Scientist was overjoyed. "Why, thank you, Mr.
Creationist. I've been needing help for quite some time."
So Mr. Scientist and Mr. Creationist turned their attention
back to the big pieces, little pieces, red pieces, blue pieces, pieces
of all sizes and shapes that you could imagine and many that you
couldn't. Soon, however, Mr. Scientist watched in horror as Mr.
Creationist dismantled a portion of the statue that Mr. Scientist so
"Wait!" cried Mr. Scientist. "Why are you dismantling a
portion of the statue that I so laboriously assembled?"
"I'm afraid you've put it together wrong."
"Because I know what the statue looks like and this section
didn't match," replied Mr. Creationist, shaking his head sadly.
"But it fits together perfectly," said Mr. Scientist.
"There was a hole in the center."
"It's missing a piece."
"The pieces didn't fit."
The statue, of course, is still not finished. Mr. Public left
to watch a show about people who waste their lives in front of the
television. Mr. Religion did nothing, confident that whatever Mr.
Scientist built would resemble Mr. Religion's vision. Mr. Scientist
and Mr. Creationist are still bickering while Mr. Creationist tries to
tear the statue down as fast as Mr. Scientist can build it.
Subject: Goofy Bastards with Guns & Bibles
From: email@example.com (sienna)
Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 15:16:20 GMT
The Militia Movement,
Goofy Bastards with Guns and Bibles
The Idiot Auxiliary turns its'
guns back on America, the new
The Militia Movement in America is Poetic Justice at its'
finest. After more than 200 years of the U.S. military causing
uninterrupted mayhem around the globe, the Eagle has finally come
home to roost.
Wars of imperialism, motivated by greed and avarice, were
waged from sea to shining sea, against all those who stood in the way
of Americas' rapacious desires. The United States fancied itself to be
enforcing the will of God Almighty Himself, who purportedly granted
the Founding Fathers with "Manifest Destiny", the Divine Right to
commit mass murder and large-scale armed robbery in HIS name. Invoking
the name of Jesus, and claiming to be fighting for liberty, truth,
goodness and virtue, the United States gleefully engaged in wars,
fought to build and maintain the "American Dream". This dream has
turned out to be a nightmare, and America is now coming apart at
the seams. The Militia Movement is but one symptom of the pervasive
sickness which now consumes "One Nation, Under God".
The Militia Movement is the story of little boys, brainwashed
by John Wayne movies, and the Armageddon theology of Fundamentalist
Christianity, who grew up to become unwitting stooges and pawns of
the Military-Industial Complex. These red-blooded, All-American Boys
have now run amok. They have been scared out of their wits by rabid
preachers, who rant and babble about the Book of Revelation. Now,
these would-be heroes feel betrayed by the government they once so
Recently, unclassified "Top Secret" documents revealed that
soldiers, as well as civilians, were used as unwitting guinea pigs
during numerous experiments involving radioactive materials. These
atrocities were perpetrated after World War II, by the same "Uncle
Sam" who had supposedly defeated "Evil". Actually, evil wasn't
defeated at all, it just hired Madison Avenue advertising agencies to
provide it with better propaganda. Genocide has continued and
holocausts occur whenever Multi-National Corporations require more
The lies told by the United States government during the
wars in Vietnam and Iraq are now coming to light. The lack of concern
shown by the government for the returning soldiers, and their health
problems, is now painfully obvious. These ex-soldiers now feel used,
abused and alienated. They are now angry, and seek to avenge the
wrongs done to them and their country in the only way they know how,
by using military force.
Americas' passive-aggressive society depends on the blind
obedience of these men. We as a society need them to do our dirty
work. We want them to kill, pillage, and plunder the peoples and
resources of the Earth in order to feed our insatiable lust for
consumer goods. We want to be able to turn up the thermostat, keep the
air-conditioners going, and to step on the gas on our way to
The collective soul of America is wretched beyond redemption.
Karma and Divine Retribution has wrought Poetic Justice in the form
of the Militia Movement. These goofy bastards with guns and bibles are
now out of control, in a frenzy of mass paranoia. Their motto seems to
be "Do Something Wacky for Jesus". Without the "Evil Empire" of the
Soviet Union to focus their hatred on, and without Ronald Reagan to
lead them, they have found a new enemy.
America, we have met the enemy, and they are us!
"I helped make Mexico safe for oil interests in 1914. I helped make
Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to
collect revenue in. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international
banking house of Brown Brothers. I brought light to the Dominican
Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras
"right" for American fruit companies in 1903. Looking back on it, I
might have given Al Capone a few hints."
-Marine Corps General Smedley D. Butler
New York Times August 21, 1931
Reprinted in Morrow Book of Quotations in American History
I decided to drop the sig & title.