Subject: A Pair of Great Rants By Other People

From: voyde@mindspring.com (Nolan Voyde)

Date: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 06:43:31 GMT

Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.religion.subgenius

I've been spending some time over in al.atheism.satire, and found a

couple of articles that I thought were pretty interesting. They're

presented here just as I found them.

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Newsgroups: alt.atheism.satire

Subject: In God's Room (a little story of science vs. creation)

From: curtisp@teleport.com (Curtis Poe)

Date: Fri, 23 Jan 98 18:26:47 GMT

 

This story may not be reproduced in any form for profit without

the written permission of the author. This story may be freely

distributed with this notice attached so long as nothing is changed.

The author may be contacted through curtisp@teleport.com. This

story is copyright 1997 by Curtis A. Poe.

 

To all flamers: I post the following without any intention to offend.

If what I say bothers you, please realize that I merely intend this as

my sincere belief as to how various individuals see the world

differently. Please do not respond maliciously to my sincerity.

Of course, if you choose to flame, I will not respond.

 

In God's Room

 

One fine spring day, four young men stood outside of a door

that read "God's Room." For some strange reason, no one had ever

opened this door and the four men were curious what was on the other

side. Being rather adventurous, they opened the door

and went in.

What a mess! Strewn all about the room were pieces of broken

ceramic. Big pieces, little pieces, red pieces, blue pieces, pieces

of all sizes and shapes that you could imagine and quite a few that

you couldn't. One of the men went forward to examine the pieces while

the others stood by wondering why "quite a few" meant many.

The one who went forward turned back to the others. "It was a

 

statue!" exclaimed Mr. Scientist. "A marvelous statue with a size and

shape that we can't even imagine."

The discussion immediately fell to whether they should

reassemble the statue. Mr. Public, eyeing the pieces with a dubious

air, announced that he wasn't really interested in what the statue

looked like. "Besides, I'm far too busy to spend my time on such a

useless task."

Mr. Religion announced that he already knew what the statue

looked like and it would be a waste of effort to assemble the pieces.

Mr. Scientist, however, was filled with enthusiasm. "Well I

don't know what it looks like and I'm going to find out!" Whereupon

he immediately threw himself into the task of reassembling the various

parts of the statue. He was a little dismayed that Mr. Public and Mr.

Religion did not want to help him, but he shrugged. He wanted to know

what the statue looked like and if he had to do it all by himself, so

be it.

Mr. Scientist labored for a long time, trying to assemble

whatever parts of the statue he could. Sometimes the pieces fit

together easily and Mr. Scientist could smile with pride. Other

times, Mr. Scientist would struggle to fit the pieces together only to

realize that they just didn't fit the way he wanted them to fit. At

times like this, Mr. Scientist would pull his hair in dismay and think

bad thoughts about the others who would not help him.

Finally, the fourth man spoke: "I know what the statue looks

like and I will help you build it."

Mr. Scientist was overjoyed. "Why, thank you, Mr.

Creationist. I've been needing help for quite some time."

So Mr. Scientist and Mr. Creationist turned their attention

back to the big pieces, little pieces, red pieces, blue pieces, pieces

of all sizes and shapes that you could imagine and many that you

couldn't. Soon, however, Mr. Scientist watched in horror as Mr.

Creationist dismantled a portion of the statue that Mr. Scientist so

laboriously assembled.

"Wait!" cried Mr. Scientist. "Why are you dismantling a

portion of the statue that I so laboriously assembled?"

"I'm afraid you've put it together wrong."

"Why?"

"Because I know what the statue looks like and this section

didn't match," replied Mr. Creationist, shaking his head sadly.

"But it fits together perfectly," said Mr. Scientist.

"There was a hole in the center."

"It's missing a piece."

"The pieces didn't fit."

-----

The statue, of course, is still not finished. Mr. Public left

to watch a show about people who waste their lives in front of the

television. Mr. Religion did nothing, confident that whatever Mr.

Scientist built would resemble Mr. Religion's vision. Mr. Scientist

and Mr. Creationist are still bickering while Mr. Creationist tries to

tear the statue down as fast as Mr. Scientist can build it.

 

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Newsgroups: alt.atheism.satire

Subject: Goofy Bastards with Guns & Bibles

From: sienna@netmeg.net (sienna)

Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 15:16:20 GMT

 

johnny@wildfieldstudios.com

http://expage.com/page/militia

 

The Militia Movement,

Goofy Bastards with Guns and Bibles

 

The Idiot Auxiliary turns its'

guns back on America, the new

"Evil Empire"

 

The Militia Movement in America is Poetic Justice at its'

finest. After more than 200 years of the U.S. military causing

uninterrupted mayhem around the globe, the Eagle has finally come

home to roost.

 

Wars of imperialism, motivated by greed and avarice, were

waged from sea to shining sea, against all those who stood in the way

of Americas' rapacious desires. The United States fancied itself to be

enforcing the will of God Almighty Himself, who purportedly granted

the Founding Fathers with "Manifest Destiny", the Divine Right to

commit mass murder and large-scale armed robbery in HIS name. Invoking

the name of Jesus, and claiming to be fighting for liberty, truth,

goodness and virtue, the United States gleefully engaged in wars,

fought to build and maintain the "American Dream". This dream has

turned out to be a nightmare, and America is now coming apart at

the seams. The Militia Movement is but one symptom of the pervasive

sickness which now consumes "One Nation, Under God".

 

The Militia Movement is the story of little boys, brainwashed

by John Wayne movies, and the Armageddon theology of Fundamentalist

Christianity, who grew up to become unwitting stooges and pawns of

the Military-Industial Complex. These red-blooded, All-American Boys

have now run amok. They have been scared out of their wits by rabid

preachers, who rant and babble about the Book of Revelation. Now,

these would-be heroes feel betrayed by the government they once so

blindly followed.

 

Recently, unclassified "Top Secret" documents revealed that

soldiers, as well as civilians, were used as unwitting guinea pigs

during numerous experiments involving radioactive materials. These

atrocities were perpetrated after World War II, by the same "Uncle

Sam" who had supposedly defeated "Evil". Actually, evil wasn't

defeated at all, it just hired Madison Avenue advertising agencies to

provide it with better propaganda. Genocide has continued and

holocausts occur whenever Multi-National Corporations require more

human sacrifice.

 

The lies told by the United States government during the

wars in Vietnam and Iraq are now coming to light. The lack of concern

shown by the government for the returning soldiers, and their health

problems, is now painfully obvious. These ex-soldiers now feel used,

abused and alienated. They are now angry, and seek to avenge the

wrongs done to them and their country in the only way they know how,

by using military force.

 

Americas' passive-aggressive society depends on the blind

obedience of these men. We as a society need them to do our dirty

work. We want them to kill, pillage, and plunder the peoples and

resources of the Earth in order to feed our insatiable lust for

consumer goods. We want to be able to turn up the thermostat, keep the

air-conditioners going, and to step on the gas on our way to

Disneyland.

 

The collective soul of America is wretched beyond redemption.

Karma and Divine Retribution has wrought Poetic Justice in the form

of the Militia Movement. These goofy bastards with guns and bibles are

now out of control, in a frenzy of mass paranoia. Their motto seems to

be "Do Something Wacky for Jesus". Without the "Evil Empire" of the

Soviet Union to focus their hatred on, and without Ronald Reagan to

lead them, they have found a new enemy.

 

America, we have met the enemy, and they are us!

 

"I helped make Mexico safe for oil interests in 1914. I helped make

Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to

collect revenue in. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international

banking house of Brown Brothers. I brought light to the Dominican

Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras

"right" for American fruit companies in 1903. Looking back on it, I

might have given Al Capone a few hints."

-Marine Corps General Smedley D. Butler

New York Times August 21, 1931

Reprinted in Morrow Book of Quotations in American History

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I decided to drop the sig & title.