Subject: MANAGED FRIENDSHIP
From: mitchell@Doesn't.Spam.Suck.interserv.com (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)
Date: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 22:05:56 GMT
Not of my authorship, but after weeks of dealing with Benefits Orientations it
seems highly appropriate.
Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking
about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship
Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional
friendship network with important cost-saving
How Does It Work?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All
your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed
What's Wrong with my Current Friends?
If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship
services from a network of providers haphazardly patched
together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.
The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and
conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet
national standards, responding to your needs
with inappropriate,outmoded, or even experimental acts of
friendship. Under Managed Friendship,your friendship needs
are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will
ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly
How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made
Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?
Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained
Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about
delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner.
They have joined our network because they want to focus on
acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and
paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused
the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our
Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of
companionship and loyalty.
What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?
Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
and expensive activities that burden already costly
relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your
Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a
Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should
your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.
Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship
You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship
Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
What is a Friendship Emergency?
The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24
hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out
of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best
Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business
trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely.
In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all
approved friendly activities will be covered under the
Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or
24-hour Friendship Hotline)within two business days.
What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?
Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
- Agreeing with you
- Appearing sympathetic
- Chewing the fat
- Dropping by
- Feeling your pain
- Hanging out
- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
- Kidding around
- Listening to you whine
- Passing the time
- Patting your back
- Sharing a meal
- Shooting the breeze
- Slinging the bull
*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold
What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?
Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are
not limited to):
- Bar hopping
- Bending over backwards
- Drinking to excess
- Giving a hoot
- Going the extra mile
- Lending money
- Real empathy
- Sexual favors
- Truly caring
- Using illicit drugs
How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?
A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just
call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up
for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of
your appropriate friendship needs will be met.
Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?
We do. Isn't that what friends are for?
| Popess Lilith von Fraumench | Fools' Press |
| Hangnail Of the Stark Fist | 1122 E Pike St, #769 |
| Sadomasticist At Large | Seattle, WA 98122-3934 |
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