Newsgroups: alt.slack


From: mitchell@Doesn' (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

Date: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 22:05:56 GMT


Not of my authorship, but after weeks of dealing with Benefits Orientations it

seems highly appropriate.





Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking

about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship

Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional

friendship network with important cost-saving



How Does It Work?


Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of

pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All

your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed

Friendship Staff.


What's Wrong with my Current Friends?


If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship

services from a network of providers haphazardly patched

together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools.

The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and

conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet

national standards, responding to your needs

with inappropriate,outmoded, or even experimental acts of

friendship. Under Managed Friendship,your friendship needs

are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will

ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly



How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made

Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?


Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained

Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about

delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner.

They have joined our network because they want to focus on

acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and

paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused

the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our

Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of

companionship and loyalty.


What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?


Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary

and expensive activities that burden already costly

relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your

Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a

Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should

your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.


Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship



You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship

Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.


What is a Friendship Emergency?


The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24

hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out

of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best

Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business

trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely.

In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all

approved friendly activities will be covered under the

Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or

24-hour Friendship Hotline)within two business days.


What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?


Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

- Agreeing with you

- Appearing sympathetic

- Chewing the fat

- Dropping by

- Feeling your pain

- Gossiping

- Hanging out

- Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*

- Joshing

- Kidding around

- Listening to you whine

- Partying

- Passing the time

- Patting your back

- Ribbing

- Sharing a meal

- Shooting the breeze

- Slinging the bull

- Teasing

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold

Friendship Plan


What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?


Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are

not limited to):

- Bar hopping

- Bending over backwards

- Drinking to excess

- Giving a hoot

- Going the extra mile

- Lending money

- Real empathy

- Sexual favors

- Truly caring

- Using illicit drugs


How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?


A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just

call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up

for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of

your appropriate friendship needs will be met.


Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?


We do. Isn't that what friends are for?



| Popess Lilith von Fraumench | Fools' Press |

| Hangnail Of the Stark Fist | 1122 E Pike St, #769 |

| Sadomasticist At Large | Seattle, WA 98122-3934 |

|"Spiting the Gods since 1989"| |

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