Subject: NENSLO VS JESUS IN WELSH COALMINER'S MATCH
From: NENSLO <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 23:51:22 -0800
Jesus Christ wrote:
> Ok folks, there's been a lot of buzz so let's get to it before
> things get too out of control.
Oh we don't want things to get out of control. NOOO we want to keep
calm and clearheaded on everything, keep everything under CONTROL,
FIRMLY CLAMPED DOWN SO IT DOESN'T SQUIRM OUT OF OUR GRASP and start
developing a LIFE OF ITS OWN. Yessir on that we are agreed - it's just
on WHOSE control we want things under is where we differ and differ
> The West Coast Tour as it now stands consists of one show
> and that is only tentative.
Now that Jesus is getting involved in things, that is pretty much all HE
PERSONALLY has decided is "happening." FORTUNATELY FOR THE CHURCH OF
THE SUBGENIUS the tradition of sitting around WAITING FOR ORDERS from
some BEAN COUNTER in the HINTERLANDS has long ago fallen by the wayside,
and the PERSONAL INITIATIVE of the gun-totin grunts in the front line is
what MAKES THINGS HAPPEN. Oh, the skyskrapers in Dallas are tall,
MIGHTY TALL, but they are not tall enough for even the Only Son of God
to see all the way across Nenslo's Native Rocky Crags to Nenslo's Damp
and Murky Adopted Home, much less render him enabled to DECIDE FOR US
WHAT WE WILL OR WILL NOT DO.
> Archie McFee, according to Archie himself, is not having an
> anniversary party of any kind. And in fact I felt more than a
> little stupid when he laughed at me when I inquired about it.
> I do not know where this came from but it certainly wasn't
> from them. They have a yearly Fish Festival of some sort
> in April. They had an anniversary party 2 years ago. They
> would love to support us in any way, and offered to do a
> book signing at the store when we came through.. and that's
That last sentence should be extended to read "and that's all I KNOW
ABOUT IT." which would be a smidgen more factual. The negotiations
between Mighty Nenslo and a riotously drunken Archie McPhee in a reeking
Seattle dive are, alas, something to which even Jesus H. Christ is NOT
PRIVY. If anyone would like to know what's ACTUALLY GOING ON in that
regard they will hear it from SOMEONE WHO WAS THERE first.
> Before you make even one step to the ultimate
> enlightenment of Slack that we call Devival you must climb
> the long and treacherous latter of faith, and that first and,
> most difficult rung is made of solid gold. Before
> ANYTHING you MUST have the money, or you must have
> someone to put up the money for you.
One thing Jesus seems to have forgotton while cloistered in the
sanctified air of SubGenius World Headquarters, something he knew well
LAST time he was here, is that the WAY to have someone put up that money
for you is to LIE LIE LIE, lie magnificently, lie preposterously, lie
absurdly until the victim pays just to SHUT YOU UP so they don't have to
listen to even one more ludicrous transparent falsehood.
> Otherwise, you must sit and wait to be called into action.
Folks, we've been parked on our fat butts out here on the ass-end of
america WAITING FOR THAT CALL, waiting since 1984, we have been, and IT
NEVER CAME. Well WE are making the call and it looks like poor baby
jesus AIN'T HOME! Oh, the lights are on, maybe he's TOO BUSY moving
cardboard counters around on a little card table, maybe he's too busy
reveling in his past glories, maybe he's practicing BEING A ROADBLOCK ON
THE HIGHWAY TO HELL, I don't know, but HE is hearing the call and NOT
Listen folks, YOU KNOW ME. I am a RINGTAILED LARDNER from Colorado's
blasted plains, where EVEN THE JEWS put swastikas on everything and
LAUGH about Hitler. My birth was heralded by GREEN FIREBALLS and I was
araisin FALSE HOPES with frenzied exaggerations and outright duplicities
WHICH ALL MYSTERIOUSLY AND MIRACULOUSLY CAME TRUE with NO EFFORT ON MY
PART when this Jesus was still turning water into koolaid and toddling
across his Mister Turtle Wading Pool. I am the Liar with the Fire and I
declare the words that these Johnny come lately hangers-on ACCIDENTALLY
QUOTE YEARS LATER THINKING THEY THEMSELVES MADE UP A "GOOD ONE." I have
seen these junior achievers come and go, and yes they are useful TO SOME
DEGREE, but when it comes to putting flames under the asses of a bunch
of sorry droops who otherwise would mope aroundwishing something would
happen, they are SADLY LACKING.
Who would you rather believe - some sober, rational joker trying to FOOL
YOU by acting HONEST and SINCERE, or a RAMPAGING OLD PSYCHO who is at
least HONEST ENOUGH TO COME RIGHT OUT AND TELL YOU HE'S LYING TO YOU??
> But I can say that without backers a West Coast Tour will
> probably not happen before X-day. It may, I know that
> Stang is ready to go yesterday. But we pumped a fair
> amount of effort in the Midwest college gamut and I have to
> work on that before looking West.
Wellsir Jesus can go on pumping on his effort and will probably develop
a GOOD STRONG RIGHT ARM DOING SO, but when he comes traipsing around
NENSLO'S bailiwick trying to heap wet blankets on something he ONLY GOT
INFORMED ABOUT YESTERDAY that WE have been working on for MONTHS, then
all I can say is, "Lord, if you keep coming back, WE'LL KEEP KILLING
YOU, and this time I'LL BE WAITING WHEN THE STONE ROLLS AWAY AND IT
WON'T BE NO 2000 YEARS BEFORE YOU GET IT AGAIN."
> Also you do not need us to put on a Devival.
That's what I been saying. Only it looks like if Jesus wants "us" to
include all the rest of the church HE BETTER TELL STANG ABOUT IT. I
have got Stang's personal word on this deal, and that SHOULD be good
enough for anyone. It sure is good enough for me. Anytime Jesus wants
to arise from the grave and catch up to what the church has been doing
without him we'll be glad to get him up to date, or kill him.