Newsgroups: alt.foot.fat-free,alt.slack

Subject: White House Pastry Chef Dies While Planning Her Ski Trip

From: nospamum@radix.net (MegaLiz)

Date: Sun, 11 Jan 1998 22:31:41 GMT

 

It's not your imagination, LOTS of "celebrities" are dying these days.

From Jimmy Stewart to That Guy Who Was in That Band, we'll be hearing

about ALL of them in ever increasing frequency. It's not some sort of

death epidemic, it's due to the fact that we all have WAY to much of

our memory banks loaded up with names of "famous" people. Just like

Truman Capote said, a star is born every fifteen minutes. Or

somethinglikethat.

 

How about Marlo Thomas? Do you think she'll get airtime when the time

comes for her to meet her tree? OF COURSE. She was BATGIRL. Nevermind

that that was 30 years ago. They'll want to get footage of Phil's

tears--like we haven't seen THAT before.

 

Wayne Newton? He WILL die, the question really is: will he get a

museum that's bigger than Liberace's?

 

Lorraine Newman? SURE! She'll be among the cast of Saturday Night

DEAD.

 

Jud Nelson? Judd Hirsh? Judge Reingold? Quick--which one of them was

on TAXI?

 

PULEEZ. I'm ASHAMED to know this many things about people I will never

and don't WANT to know.

 

Naturally the whole OTHER problem with the Death Coverage we're

getting is the false idol game. David Kennedy eats a tree and all the

news is about the TRAGEDY of his death, the IRONY that he and his wife

were reuniting, but there is very little mention of the case in which

he boffed the killer babysitter or any of his other shenannygans, at

first. Not to say that that EVER was NEWS, mind you. Made-public

lewdness that involved a KENNEDY has just GOT to stop being news

SOMETIME. BUT, having neglected to harp on that chapter of his life,

the newsies can come BACK to the story and say that there has been

"criticism" of the funeral coverage, that they have been criticized

for NOT dredging up all the details about "it." Perfect excuse to

re-undress the dead guy in full detail IN THE NAME OF FAIRNESS and for

the OPPORTUNITY to say OVER AND FUCKING OVER again that MAMA KENNEDY

IS NOT PLEASED WITH KATHIE LEE GIFFORD for mentioning it at the

funeral press conference.

 

They will do ANYTHING to stick it to our poor Kathie Lee. When SHE

dies the press will fall all over themselves trying to get their

copies of the tape that shows her final moment of smug surprise before

Ted Koppel smites her with his coffee mug.

 

That is to say, it's going to get WORSE and it's going to get more and

more public because they KNOW the end is ALMOST HERE, the GREAT

UNDERTAKING is AT HAND, and he who dies earliest and bestest gets the

RILLY BIG FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS for their swell DECAY SEND OFF PSEUDO

EVENT.

 

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Spunky: "Lookit all the foot prints! Lotsa people were here!"

Sparky: "OR it was ONE THING with a jillion feet."

* alt.foot.fat-free: where you can collect yummy cheese!