Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Shining Path of Least Resistance report from Shanghai

From: drv1 <drv1@concentric.net>

Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 13:01:28 -0800

 

Here is a field report from Reverend Shining Path of Least Resistance.

Evidently Sven is working undercover, disguesed as a Chinese woman.

 

Reverend David Voth, Official Earthquake Antignosticator

Primate of the Amateur Mad Seismologist Clench

San Diego, California

 

*************************************************************

 

(Please repost to alt.slack one of you, can't access usenet group with

these guys over bamboo wire)

 

We asians believe in omens and asian subgenii even more so (praise lucky

money pipe smoker!) On my last monrning in Osaka I was walking near my

house when I looked down and say... a tiny brown pipe! I picked it up

with quivering hands for a closer inspection. A perfect straight brown

miniature meerschaum, 2 1/2 inches long, a perfect replica! But the

bowl was not for burning! A little latched plastic cover was in place.

When I flicked it open I found a chemical soaked white filter. A new

fangled frop inhaler! Then, a few steps later, I looked down to see a

magnificent ball point pen, a fancy Hallmark, which I am now using to

pen these rough notes (now retyped at Shanghai's first internet cafe!)

 

Brothers and sisters, how many times have "Bob" and "Connie" broken up?

Ask yourselves! Remember that time "Bob" came home drunk, counldn't

find the can and stood in the corner of the bedroom grinning as he peed

all over "Connie's" embroidery?

 

The love life of a subgenius is always completely reckless,

irresponsible, passionate, and without a PG rating! Miss Wong (#1)

broke up with me the phone two weeks before our trip to China, leaving

me stuck with a ticket, time off from work, and a still throbbing

curiosity for her country. So what happens on the flight??? She walks

up to me for the first time since the breakup (we were still on the same

flight!) and we have it out again at 30,000 feet, shouting and pointing

fingers, looking for heavy objefts to throw at each other. The Air

China stewardesses separated us for the landing in Shanghai but we get

right back into again in the line for passport control (welsome to

China!) Fortunately things got calmed down before she denounced me to

the Public Safety Bureau and we declared a truce. I got off in Shanghai

and she flew on to Beijing, where we may meet later this week.

 

Shanghai! The former Paris of the East, whore of Asia, the opium dens

and brothels closed down by rampaging Red Guards, the forerunners of the

Shining Path! Today business opportunities abound in a guided free

market and what better place for the Saint of sales to make his presence

known? I started my missionary work with a mere 40 copies of "Your

Instructions" (a classic rant) on one side and a Dobbshead on the

other.

 

After checking into the Hotel New Asia on Tiantong Road I took a brisk

walk along the Bund, the famous waterfront row of Gotham City style

skyscrapers from the 1930s. I started humming a little ditty ("I'm a

subgenius, I'm a sub, sub genius, I'm a Subgenius in Shanghai" [tune by

Sting]) and all of a sudden I look down and there is a 10 RMB note,

worth $1.15. TEN RMB FOR SALVATION! Suddenly a colonial spirit took

possession of me and I started barking out orders at Chinese passerbys.

"Boy, BOY!! You takee this letter to Lord Mucky-Muck on Godown Street

Chop, Chop!!!" Those were the days....

 

So the last 48 hours have been grand. Startled local punters at

O'Malleys Irish bar (around the corner from the US Consulate) heard the

word of Dobbs after I had gulped down 4 pints of Guiness (with a shot of

N'hee G'hee punch). At Judy's Too disco a few blocks away I dannced up

a storm and won the heart of Miss Wong (#2!), a cute 21 year old

Shanghaiese who has concented to be my fourth wife-in-waiting (no lie

G.I.!). And at scores of street stands and fine eateries I have

indulged in my favorite sin, gluttony (miracle of miracles - I never

gain much weight!), chowing down on roast duck, pork dumplings, soft

shell turtle, pig heart soup and ,last night, with Miss Wong (#2), a

magnificent lamb hot pot. My only setback occured when I approached an

Islamic restaurant frequented by chinese Uhigurs near the Longmen Hotel.

I was almost through the door when I notice a picture of Saddam Hussein,

flanked by tanks and missles, posted prominently in the window. I beat

a hasty retreat as mustachioed faces peered out at me and hands reached

silently for scimitars...

 

To be continued.

 

The Shining Path of Least Resistance,

Pope of Western Japan, in the field