Subject: Shining Path of Least Resistance report from Shanghai
From: drv1 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 13:01:28 -0800
Here is a field report from Reverend Shining Path of Least Resistance.
Evidently Sven is working undercover, disguesed as a Chinese woman.
Reverend David Voth, Official Earthquake Antignosticator
Primate of the Amateur Mad Seismologist Clench
San Diego, California
(Please repost to alt.slack one of you, can't access usenet group with
these guys over bamboo wire)
We asians believe in omens and asian subgenii even more so (praise lucky
money pipe smoker!) On my last monrning in Osaka I was walking near my
house when I looked down and say... a tiny brown pipe! I picked it up
with quivering hands for a closer inspection. A perfect straight brown
miniature meerschaum, 2 1/2 inches long, a perfect replica! But the
bowl was not for burning! A little latched plastic cover was in place.
When I flicked it open I found a chemical soaked white filter. A new
fangled frop inhaler! Then, a few steps later, I looked down to see a
magnificent ball point pen, a fancy Hallmark, which I am now using to
pen these rough notes (now retyped at Shanghai's first internet cafe!)
Brothers and sisters, how many times have "Bob" and "Connie" broken up?
Ask yourselves! Remember that time "Bob" came home drunk, counldn't
find the can and stood in the corner of the bedroom grinning as he peed
all over "Connie's" embroidery?
The love life of a subgenius is always completely reckless,
irresponsible, passionate, and without a PG rating! Miss Wong (#1)
broke up with me the phone two weeks before our trip to China, leaving
me stuck with a ticket, time off from work, and a still throbbing
curiosity for her country. So what happens on the flight??? She walks
up to me for the first time since the breakup (we were still on the same
flight!) and we have it out again at 30,000 feet, shouting and pointing
fingers, looking for heavy objefts to throw at each other. The Air
China stewardesses separated us for the landing in Shanghai but we get
right back into again in the line for passport control (welsome to
China!) Fortunately things got calmed down before she denounced me to
the Public Safety Bureau and we declared a truce. I got off in Shanghai
and she flew on to Beijing, where we may meet later this week.
Shanghai! The former Paris of the East, whore of Asia, the opium dens
and brothels closed down by rampaging Red Guards, the forerunners of the
Shining Path! Today business opportunities abound in a guided free
market and what better place for the Saint of sales to make his presence
known? I started my missionary work with a mere 40 copies of "Your
Instructions" (a classic rant) on one side and a Dobbshead on the
After checking into the Hotel New Asia on Tiantong Road I took a brisk
walk along the Bund, the famous waterfront row of Gotham City style
skyscrapers from the 1930s. I started humming a little ditty ("I'm a
subgenius, I'm a sub, sub genius, I'm a Subgenius in Shanghai" [tune by
Sting]) and all of a sudden I look down and there is a 10 RMB note,
worth $1.15. TEN RMB FOR SALVATION! Suddenly a colonial spirit took
possession of me and I started barking out orders at Chinese passerbys.
"Boy, BOY!! You takee this letter to Lord Mucky-Muck on Godown Street
Chop, Chop!!!" Those were the days....
So the last 48 hours have been grand. Startled local punters at
O'Malleys Irish bar (around the corner from the US Consulate) heard the
word of Dobbs after I had gulped down 4 pints of Guiness (with a shot of
N'hee G'hee punch). At Judy's Too disco a few blocks away I dannced up
a storm and won the heart of Miss Wong (#2!), a cute 21 year old
Shanghaiese who has concented to be my fourth wife-in-waiting (no lie
G.I.!). And at scores of street stands and fine eateries I have
indulged in my favorite sin, gluttony (miracle of miracles - I never
gain much weight!), chowing down on roast duck, pork dumplings, soft
shell turtle, pig heart soup and ,last night, with Miss Wong (#2), a
magnificent lamb hot pot. My only setback occured when I approached an
Islamic restaurant frequented by chinese Uhigurs near the Longmen Hotel.
I was almost through the door when I notice a picture of Saddam Hussein,
flanked by tanks and missles, posted prominently in the window. I beat
a hasty retreat as mustachioed faces peered out at me and hands reached
silently for scimitars...
To be continued.
The Shining Path of Least Resistance,
Pope of Western Japan, in the field