Subject: BIG TEATED WOMEN NEEDED FOR X-DAY
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Date: Fri, 14 Nov 1997 22:35:39 -0600
I just said that to get your attention. What I need are BARE-titted women.
The teats, "dugs," "jugs," whatevers, themselves, can be any size.
I need them for PROTECTION!
Dr. Legume has planned this Battle of Armageddon thing for X-Day... the
Saturday before X-Day, of course. July 4 at Brushwood Folklore Center,
Sherman, NY, where we've held the Drills. It's a simple concept -- the two
main splinter groups of the Church, the Holocaustians and the Ivangelicals,
will square off and JUST PLAIN FIGHT, the only rules being that the weapons
have to be non-lethal. Otherwise, anything goes.
That all sounds like another silly, cute little SubGenius gag-concept that
won't really happen -- except that, at the Drills, everything we bullshit
about ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN. I never SERIOUSLY THOUGHT that we'd crucify and
burn people. I didn't SERIOUSLY THINK that there would be Disco Palmerhead
Soccer Games, Nude Baptisms and Hot Oil Wrestling. But, "if you build it,
they will come," in the case of the SubGenius events at Brushwood.
Furthermore. Legume does tend to make things happen, I have to grant the
hulking ugly bastard that. He is a Mighty Man, a true Doktor, and when he
plots something like this, it's generally not idle chatter, because he'll
keep pestering Jesus and me, or whoever else is involved, Rev. Strange for
instance, until it happens.
So. This Battle on the grassy Brushwood field -- where Pagans flit around
Maypoles yearly -- a battle between legions of SubGeniuses, the
Ivangelicals and the Holocaustians, PROBABLY WILL ACTUALLY HAPPEN, and I'd
be a real dumbass not to prepare, since, being the "Ivan" in "Ivangelical,"
I'll ALMOST CERTAINLY GET MY ASS KICKED.
Let's face it. Anybody with any fucking sense at all will join the
Holocaustians, for the plain and simple fact that THE HOLOCAUSTIANS WILL
WIN. By definition. The Ivangelical approach to something like this is to
RUN AND HIDE. Everybody knows this, and everybody wants to be on the
winning team. The Holocaustians LEADERS are themselves mean, violent, ugly,
unpleasant men -- Dr. Legume, Papa Joe Mama, Rev. Ed Strange, G. Gordon
Gordon, etc. -- men with checkered pasts who KNOW HOW TO FIGHT. And have
been in fights. I have never been in a fight. I have always been able to
either bluster my way out or SIMPLY FLEE or EAT PUSSY, which is my prefered
method for dealing with trouble of any kind. I will admit that my temper
has become less tempered as X-Day approaches, and I have been known to "fly
off the handle" at particularly obnoxious Bobbies, Bob Dean at the NYC show
and that naked stupid hippie at the Hawkwind show trying to tell me to be
"not so uptight" by jumping up and down on the top of my VAN, being the
most recent examples... but in the long run, I'm the kind of little skinny,
sneaky guy that will run first and confront later, in a court of law, with
a gullible jury, where my skills are far more effective than they would be
if I had to actually HIT someone hard enough to decapacitate them. (But
believe you me, if I had to do such a thing, I would do the hell out of
What few Subs that would admit to being Ivangelicals will probably be nice,
innocent, dumb-ass guys like me... too-fat or too-skinny bespectacled slabs
of wimp meat, to put it plainly. GOOD SUBGENII, don't get me wrong. I am
PROUD to be an Ivangelical. Those Holocaustian loudmouth bully boys can
TALK all day and all night about "kill a human a day every day until
X-Day," etc. etc., blah blah woof woof, but when push comes to shove, we're
ALL gonna let the Xists do our Pink-smiting for us, they aren't gonna kill
ANYBODY, and in the meantime at least we Ivangelicals KEEP SPREADING THE
WORLD in our humble, mostly nonviolent ways. MIND CONTROL is our specialty
-- HEARTS AND MINDS, and I will (probably) GO TO MY GRAVE believing that
propaganda does more, IN THE LONG RUN, than bullets, simply because humans
are DUMBER than they are TOUGH.
Anyway. The point is, I'm faced with the prospect of me and a handful of
other out-of-shape, glasses-wearing, no-martial-arts-knowing, one-balled,
butt-sitting compugeeks being SOUNDLY TROUNCED and ACTUALLY BRUISED, AND
CUT, maybe even given concussions, by a whole TRIBE of large hairy
barbarian bastards like Legume, Strange, etc. etc., all those
testosterone-leaking Yeti-looking bastards that probably keep loaded
handguns under their front seats and rubbers in their wallets. The only
manly thing I have going for me is that I probably took more drugs than
Keith Richards, and survived. And I have special "novelty rubbers" in my
My penetratingly deep, baritone, oil-drilling TEXAS VOICE -- my only real
weapon -- can only do so much, and it's USELESS against brute
force-and-alcohol. I DID quit smoking, but the damage is already done.
Hell, I was whupped in SECONDS when I rassled Susie the Floozy and Friday
Jones... a wheezing fropping wet-noodle of a man, hardly a posterboy for
Ivangelical dominance. Most of my fellow Ivangelicals, all three or four of
them, are in even WORSE shape. It's a grim prospect.
So I'm thinking, I NEED A SECRET WEAPON. I need to CHEAT. What do I have
that those brutish Neanderthal thick-skulled dumb-fuck hairy-assed
prognothic-jawwed assholes DON'T have?
THE TRUST OF THE WOMEN OF THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS.
GIRLS --, you know I know that you know that I won't do you wrong. I've
never been fresh with ANY of you, but yet, I know that you know that WERE I
to get fresh, I would NOT LET YOU DOWN. You KNOW that. SURE I'm not the
most Mel Gibson looking dude in the world, but YOU CAN TELL. "The men don't
know, but the little girls understand," as Jim Morrison once quoted. I KNOW
that you KNOW. You KNOW what the tongue of a preacherman can do. Also, any
of you who know me and my family personally know that I am TRULY
PUSSYWHIPPED. Someone else is OBVIOUSLY really the one running the show
here. CONNIE is the one wearing the Panties. I am the veritable "R. Crumb"
of the Church and I have no trouble admitting it. I will climb that
mountain if you will let me.
I'm begging you. JOIN ME, IVAN STANG, at the Battle of Armageddon. YOU THE
WOMEN. I NEED A WALL OF YOUR GORGEOUS BREASTS TO PROTECT ME FROM HARM. I
NEED you. I LOVE you all, sincerely, and this is truly my hour of NEED. You
don't even have to BARE your breasts. Just your MERE FEMININITY ALONE will
be enough. IF you have giant lucious titties and DESIRE to bare them, to
intimidate those nasty Holocaustians -- who are all closet woman-fearing
homosexuals, no offense inteded towards proper cocksuckers -- why, that
would be nice too. But if you were victimized by the so-called "cave-in at
the titty factory," NO PROB! Mainly, I need your NUMBERS. (And if you have
only one breast, FINE! I have only one nut, and only Friday has made fun of
me yet.) I need your BRAINS and TALENTS and SKILLS. (REV. SUSIE aka MRS.
LEGUME -- THIS MEANS YOU! YOU DESERVE BETTER TREATMENT THAN THE ROUGH APE
HANDS OF THAT MAN!!)
More than that... above and beyond any MERELY MUNDANE or PRACTICAL
consideration... "BOB" needs you.
FUCK the "Ivangelical" part; this isn't about religious doctrine. This is
about the CONTINUATION OF THE CHURCH AS A DECENT EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY,
NON-SEXIST, ALL-SEXY INSTITUTION instead of some ugly, rowdy boy's club
full of farting, beer-drinking shit-heads who automatically assume that
anything good was done by a GUY. PTUI! I know that some of you SubGenius
girls are what the fat, ugly Pink Boys would call, "fat, ugly chicks."
Well, to me, you may be fat, and have a lot of "character" in your face,
but that doesn't make you ugly. In fact, you'd almost have to look like a
NORMAL for me to think you "ugly." In fact, you'd have to be at least
SOMEWHAT weird looking, even if by a stretch, for me to even have any
sexual use for you, at all! I'm just that kind of guy. A real sensitive
type of guy.
YOU KNOW that I, as Sacred Scribe #273, with WHAT, like, 13 years seniority
on him, am able to acquire better 'Frop than Legume can. Hell, half of
those Holocaustians don't 'Frop at ALL. They're DRUNKS or, worse, TOTALLY
STRAIGHT. I don't mean to sound like I'm bribing beautiful women with
drugs, but hey, if that's what it takes to do the bidding of MY guru, J.R.
"Bob" Dobbs, well, who am I to question HIS dictates? Since when did YOU
gain the right to have JUDGEMENT over "BOB"??
Come on, ladies. Don't see this as another example of a MAN leading a bunch
of AMAZON WOMEN FOLLOWERS. It isn't like that at all. It's... it's a
RAINBOW OPPORTUNITY! Your choice now could make the difference between
X-Day ushering in a beautiful NEW AGE of Bonobo-like sexhurt and spasmotic
mutual organasming, or a Nazi-like drunken-male-dominated patriarchal
hell-pit, a return to the Dark Ages, where the bitches keep their fucking
traps shut and their buns in the bed, and never get off, because the guys
just want their quick in-out and have no patience nor energy for true
Bonoboian sexhurt. WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE? The fropped-up 7-hour multiple
orgasm on LSD, or being whipped and beaten by buck-toothed inbred jock
rednecks that listen to Ozzy? That's what it comes down to. Stang, or
Legume. Sure Legume has a bigger dick. "A" bigger dick. Shall I repeat
that? "A" bigger dick. Ah yes. Right. But what counts -- SIZE? Or
QUANTITY!??! I think you know what to do.
It won't be like ALL the handsome guys will be on Legume's team. I can
guarantee you that our MAIN male sex symbol besides "Bob," Rev. Jesus
Christ, age 26, "Pretty Boy" as I call Him, will be on the Ivangelical
team. If He isn't, I'll fucking FIRE His god-damned ass.
But SEX isn't what this is all about. UNTIL WE WIN, that is.
YOU can make this dream come true, girls. Ladies. Gals. Wymyn. Whatever you
call yourselves this month. Whatever the word is, I RESPECT you for it.
AND I NEED YOUR BOSOMS. GOD DAMN do I need 'em.
I have a snapshot on my desk that I treasure. It's like a symbol of how
Dobbs' promise really DOES ring true. It's one of those 3D gimmick
snapshots, taken by Rev. Craig Mitchell with one of those gimmick cameras,
at the last X-Day Drill. It shows me grinning like a hog in its hog-waller,
surrounded by BRILLIANTLY INTELLIGENT, SCINTILLATINGLY CHARMING,
GIANT-TEATED AMAZON SUBGENIUS BABES: Rev. Susie the Floozy, IrRev. Friday
Jones, my Pri-Wife someone else, and The Rabbi (the staggeringly gorgeous
superwoman who allows Rev. Ed Strange to be a boyfriend).* My petite
hardbody sig-oth actually looks a little out of place next to those buxotic
Russ-Meyerian dolls, with her binaries-newsgroup-denied Arab-boy-like flat
chest, but she looks EXACTLY RIGHT next to ME.
To me, that snapshot sums up what this, this "Church of the SubGenius" is
really all about. For me. Personally. I don't expect everybody to see it
that way. But, really. What else is there. I mean, seriously. Get real.
So... gals, wymyn, SubGenius babes and babettes -- I'm reaching out to you.
This is my hour of need. Don't let GROSS, DANGLING, SWINGING CURLY-HAIRED
TESTICLES win this battle. Let's show that with LOVE, all things are
possible. I LOVE you, baby. Marry me. We'll show the bastards WHAT FOR.
I look at that precious Stang-glorifying snapshot and I modestly think to
myself... imagine an ARMY of such women. ENDLESS ROWS of tough-minded,
super-intelligent, skilled, funny-as-hell broads, lined up in rows, breasts
upthrust (even if ponderous and dangling or tiny and boy-like), ready to
DEFEND THE INTEGRITY OF "BOB" AND CONNIE, eager to serve themselves, by
conquoring manhood itself. Ahhhhh, yes.
Girls... your boyfriend/husband doesn't appreciate you. *I* do. I LOVE you,
baby. I truly, really do love you. Marry me.
THE HOLOCAUSTIAN PLAGUE MUST BE ELIMINATED.
WE ARE THE EXTERMINATORS.
Copyright 1997 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack