Subject: SubG Foundation 4-98 Update
From: email@example.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 22:33:42 -0600
5-1-98 (I started this little report more than a week ago, but got
sidetracked from things internettian by things mega-physical.)
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!
65 Days LEFT to X-Day! And things are HEATING UP around here! Nowhere near
as hot as it'll be for the little Pinkie Winkies come Judgement Day. But
we're wading up to our knees in the blood of the baptism of the mighty
fist-face of "BOB"!!!
Three days ago, the Church business manager, Jesus, managed to get one of
our many press releases about X-Day onto a "weird news" service called
Newsflash, which goes to everyone from Morning DriveTime Radio Jock in
Po'Bunk, Texas, to David "Chickenshit" Letterman. 12 hours later I was on
the phone to drive time jocks in South Africa and the Lord was schmoozing a
talk show in New Zealand. Yesterday I did 5 morning radio shows in various
U.S. cities, did two this morning and have 4 or 5 more next week. Generally
these are cutesy-haha short and smarmy 5 minute "stupid culture blips," but
I always manage to get in our contact info and some delayed-reation
anti-God time-bomb one-liners... maybe it'll help the potential last-minute
Savees to RECOGNIZE "Bob's" word the NEXT time they encounter it. (Tony
Hamilton's "Wake Up Show" in Knoxville, TN on WWST was one of the better
ones, since the clueless host let me debate the hostile representative of
the "Expose Bob" anti-SubG movement, a Mr. Kuersteiner.)
PRAISE THE LORD for this DISGUSTING P.R. BLITZ!! I just wish I didn't have
to get out of bed so early. This is really cramping the indolent lifestyles
of Jesus and myself.
AND!!! PRAISE JESUS, the 32-page NEW STARK FIST magazine has been PRINTED,
BEAUTIFULLY, and has been mailed out to EVERYONE who renewed or at least
confirmed their existence to us.
AND!!!, Praise Steve Jackson Games, the new INWO-SubGENIUS RPG CARD GAME is
finished and should be in stores MONDAY WEEK! This game set includes 100
color reprints of the most psychedelic SubGenius art EVER IMAGINED and can
be played either as a stand alone or as part of the Illuminati New World
Order game! Wherever role playing games are sold; try the comic book store.
We'll be selling 'em for $16 BUT WE DON'T HAVE 'EM IN; DON'T SEND $$ YET!
AND!! We've been preaching our leathery LUNGS out on the FINAL ARMAGEDDON
TOUR -- COAST TO COAST BEFORE IT'S TOAST --After the triumphant Portland
and Seattle devivals I immediately went to Cleveland for the sublime
Einstein Secret Orchestra devivals and secret rituals, where we had the
biggest turnout EVER in Ohio. While I was OverManning the Sales Table in
Cleveland this youth capproached me saying, "My friend has a palindrome
with "Bob" in it; would you like to hear it?" It was:
BOSTON "BOB" NOT SOB
I asked them if they knew we were preaching in Boston next, and the kid
denied any knowledge of that; the message had come to his friend in a
And the prophecy rang true.
THE FINAL, FINAL SUBGENIUS DEVIVAL, in BOSTON,
produced by IrRev. Friday Jones,
CAUSED NO SOB!!
I'll always remember it as The Double D Devival.
** NOTE: THIS ARTICLE, all the alt.slack posts about the Boston devival
(collected by Modemac), and a shitload of devival PHOTOS plus lots of
FRIDAY JONES CHEESECAKE and BUG/HEAD PORN, have all JUST NOW been
html-ified and posted to SUBSite. Easily accessed via the HOT NEWS UPDATES
page and/or the EVENTS/DEVIVALS page (both linked on the front page). **
The LAST DEVIVAL was, by FAR, the most PROFITABLE!! Even though it was
POURING SHEETS OF RAIN from the bowels of NHGH that night, the flock came
from as far away as Chicago and Quebec to PACK THEIR BLADDERS TO THE
BURSTING POINT and THE CLUB TO THE RAFTERS, and make the producer, FRIDAY
JONES, A FORTUNE!! ALL the preachers got paid, ALL the musicians got paid,
and FRIDAY BROKE ALL SUBGENIUS MERCHANDISE SALES TABLES RECORDS INCLUDING
DRAGON-CON!!! I am not kidding, the only reason a SuperGenius like Friday
Jones is even ALLOWED in this Church is because she's still, technically,
NOT A GENIUS or otherwise "beyond" a genius. But this is what a TRUE
SubGenius devival is REALLY ALL ABOUT!! REAL MONEY!!! And REAL SLACK!! The
audience was TOTALLY JAZZED and the Slack was so thick you could carve it
with a chainsaw and spread it with a tractor.
The new PULPIT! MAH GAWD!! Rev. Ed Strange's NEW PULPIT! A HUGE pulpit too
heavy for any airline to ship! With a carved wooden Wings of Slack,
engraved BobCo Font Hieroglyphs, and an Auto-Suck AND Auto-John built right
in. A pulpit suitable for a VIKING FUNERAL!
The new BANNERS! Cheaply but effectively crafted by Friday Jones using the
amazing BobCo Symbol Font Hieroglyphs, printed out BIG onto iron-on
transfer material, and ironed onto a MERE, HUMBLE strip of cloth! Plus a
whole new Fridaian set of DOBBS SLOGAN BUTTONS! PLUS the all-nude Dobbs
CLOCKS and NITE LIGHTS!
Stang Rant Pt. 1-- w/ Bro. Cleve, DK Jones, BTM back-up... included the
prophesied Bucket of Pils dispensation and group pumpkin orgy on the dance
KING OF SLACK BTM -- greatest hits from his ORGY OF SLACK CD release, on
The Living Keyboard
Pope David N. Meyer's mighty confession, "I AM THE CONSPIRACY" (As heard
uncut on Hour of Slack 629)
Slackbangers "Bob" Is Love w/ special OverMan guest star spaz-dancer
Dr. Legume -- true story of killing a cat that refused to die, and BLOOD
CURDLING BIBLICAL STYLE PROPHECY
Brother Cleve Donut Dunkan, performing "BOB" IS MY LOAD and an amazing
spirit-washed sermon about the PeE of "Bob"!
The last Mass Short Duration Marriage and Head Launching!
Bonus Meyer "NEO-CLASSICIST CHURCH" Rant!
"Earth Anthem" end Stangrant, featuring canned 70s music hated by snobs!
Rant-a-thon! Wherein we let ANYONE from the audience come up and RANT...
and win a PRIZE such as books by L. Ron Hubbard, donated from Modemac's
trash can! How many BANDS do you know that let the audience use their
EQUIPMENT after the SHOW?!? complete with onstage fight between Ed Strange
Gerbil "Saltiness" - Dryfoo - Maiken - Algonquin - Ed Strange - Limor - ? -
Nully - Tucker - Dad Townsend - Judging
The minute Friday got home from the Devival, she stripped off her clothes
and ROLLED IN THE MONEY. LITERALLY ROLLED IN THE MONEY. (See the pictorial
"Miss SubGenius July" in the upcoming special publication, "SHE-YETI OF THE
CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS, BUSINESS-SUIT ISSUE", also available this week
only on alt.binaries.slack.)
What's coming up after this? X-DAY. ALL ELSE IS CHAF!! We at the Dallas
Church headquarters are concentrating EVERYTHING towards X-Day. This is the
FINAL COUNTDOWN, the LAST P-U-S-H before the GREAT EVACUATION!! When
"Bob'S" LOAD shall SPLASH upon a Slack-rejecting, unrepentant world. We'll
try to release some Hour of Slack CDs, a CD ROM of all the great SubGenius
art, and a completely revised SUBSITE at www.subgenius.com; we hope to whip
out new T-shirt designs and gimmick products in the last weeks before the
End, we plan to ELIMINATE ALL OBSTACLES; MY FRIENDS, EVERYTHING MUST GO BY
JULY 5th!!! We might even... BUY ADVERTISING for the FIRST TIME IN ALL 20
***** incommunicado with "OUTSIDE" for one week ******
(X-Day minus 58!)
THE LOWEST FORM OF LIFE ON EARTH
is the morning drive-time radio jock, and among them, the very lowest of
the low is the Classic Rock Station morning drive-time radio jock.
I have been earning my keep for "Bob" this week, brothers and sisters.
Jesus initiated a P.R. blitz, and I've been guesting on an average of 3
morning radio shows by phone every day. We have plenty more lined up for
next week. Most of these are quickie 5-minute soundbite sessions, studies
in shallowness like everything else on commercial radio. Having to WAKE UP
before TEN is the main hardship; most of the time, the shows are actually
pretty fun to do, once they get started. Except for the Classic Rock
jocks... the small-time Stern wannabes. AND THEY'RE THE SAME TWO GUYS AND A
GIRL IN EVERY TOWN, or might as well be.
As you know, aside from the 17 indie and college stations that carry HOUR
OF SLACK, there are only a few types of radio stations, and each type is
identical throughout all of North America. You have your modern rock
stations, currently called "Alternative" I guess, although they're
certainly the exact opposite. You have your Young Country. You got your
Soul stations. Your Conservative Talk Stations, your Classic Rock Stations,
and your Christian stations. And Easy Listening, but they don't do talk.
I'm telling you, the Classic Rock Station Jock is the absolute scum of the
earth. I would rather marry a lawyer than a Classic Rock Station Jock. I
would far rather be stranded on a desert island with Bob Larson than with
one of these Classic Rock Station Jocks.
(Incidentally, we ARE FINALLY talking to Bob Larson's office, praise
Jesus!! Looks like we may get to do the long-awaited BATTLE OF THE TITANS!!
If he doesn't wimp out.)
For the Classic Rock Jocks are the DUMBEST of all. The PINKEST of the Pink.
At least the Christians are a LITTLE weird, just by virtue of being
religious nuts. But the Classic Rock jock is like THE MODEL PINK -- the
ones who HONESTLY, with ALL THEIR HEARTS, believe that life in a Miller
Lite beer commercial is the way life MUST BE. The ones who are unabashedly
PROUD to be "LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE." The ones who HONESTLY CONSIDER the term
"WEIRD" to be an INSULT! In plain and simple terms... DUMBASSES. DUMBASSES
Dumbasses with microphones and an audience of balding Kens and babbling
Barbies who once smoked dope and listened to those stupid
Conspiracy-approved Fleetwood Mac songs in the 70s, but now are alcoholics
who drag themselves and their brats to church and job while listening to
ONLY THOSE SAME SONGS STILL!!
Most of the other types of show hosts, after the first minute or so,
actually "get it." Pink as they are, at least they catch SOME clue.
Admittedly, the press release that these people saw -- written by the
Newsflash people who sent it out on the wires, chopped down to one
paragraph from the page that Jesus sent them -- doesn't even mention "Bob";
it just says this weird cult called The Church of the SubGenius thinks Sex
Goddesses will destroy the world at 7 am 7-5-98. THAT'S ALL THEY'RE TOLD.
So, going into the interviews, they are usually expecting something New
Agey and Heaven's Gate-like. I have my own agenda, of course. There are a
very few MAIN KEY POINTS that I try to impart in these brief moments on Con
1. The sacred PO box
2. The magic word, "subgenius.com"
3. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION, only CHEAPER, with a SPECIFIC
SCHEDULE, and NUDITY! Eternal Salvation or TRIPLE your money back.
4. "Bob" is the sales god who fights the Conspiracy of Normal People who
unthinkingly steal Slack from the mutants and abnormals.
4. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- we believe in an invisible monster
that will do us favors and smite our enemies, if we kiss its ass enough.
5. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- it's not that we love "Bob" all
that much, it's that we relish the idea of everybody else going to HELL.
6. For some reason they put our Bible, THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS, in the
humor section; why don't they put the other Bibles there too?
7. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- "Bob" sold it, I smoked it, that
8. IT'S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION -- But who is spending the money more
wisely -- the televangelist charlatan who spent it on his yacht and mansion
like I do, or the BELIEVERS who spent their money on THE TELEVANGELIST?
9. "Bob" doesn't care about your sins; he justifies them. He knows you
don't need forgiveness, but an EXCUSE.
Anything else besides that is gravy. The hosts themselves are always
fixated on the X-Day, Sex Goddess and $30 concepts so I generally can skim
over that stuff. It's the little time-bomb anti-god one-liners that I feel
its my main duty to drop. The tiny percentage of the audience that we're
seeking will get 'em. AND MOST OF THE HOSTS THEMSELVES GET INTO IT after
they realize what's going on.
The conservative talk show hosts usually give me a lot more time, and end
up praising "Bob," shordurpersav-wise at least. The Young Country and Soul
station jocks usually seem happy enough to have something that seems to
them TOTALLY INSANE on for a change. They aren't trying to PROVE anything.
It's the fucking PLAIN ORDINARY POPULAR MUSIC JOCKS and HOWARD STERN
IMITATORS (and GOD are they shameless about that) whose egos absolutely
cannot BEAR the idea that somebody somewhere might be making fun of...
gasp... THEM!!! I swear, these people represent the Spirit of the High
School Bully. When I start AGREEING with them that I am indeed WEIRD, VERY
weird, and EXTREMELY PROUD OF IT, they LITERALLY TAKE OFFENSE! I tell them
that if what I read in the papers every day represents NORMALITY, them I am
GLAD to be "NUTS." And they think that's... crazy. Then, when they FINALLY
CATCH ON that, just like Pat Robertson and the 700 Club, WE WANT MONEY,
they act SHOCKED! When I make my little remarks about the Bible and fairy
tales, they get all HUFFY! The ones this morning (San Luis CA) actually
accused me of being a Satanist. I pointed out that one couldn't really be a
Satanist without first believing in Jesus. I would have thought this was a
damn CHRISTIAN station except that they were playing a god damn STEVIE
NICKS song before I was on. Everybody knows she's WAY more Satanic than WE
It's just that I can't believe they get so PRISSY and MORALISTIC when they
finally realize that I'm MAKING FUN OF ALL RIVAL RELIGIONS. They don't mind
making silly TITTY and ALCOHOL jokes all morning, themselves. MOST show
business people are two-faced hypocritical sinners or else flat out closet
atheists, like half the Pinks themselves. Even in Christian radio they have
SOME BARE MODICUM of sense. But I guess in the EXALTED ECHELONS of CLASSIC
ROCK STATION MORNING DRIVE TIME JOCKS, acheiving the MOST NORMAL NORMALITY
POSSIBLE is the only thing that counts -- they're the ones who produce the
dullest "bonnng" when you clang the bell curve.
I've gotten rusty at dealing with Normals. I haven't worked a "day job" or
an office slave position in many years. The radio shows that I'm "NORMALLY"
on every week are UTTERLY FREE FORM. I'm surrounded by SubGeniuses and/or
self employed rednecks and outland minorities, and other Americans who
almost ALL sort of think that being DIFFERENT and having INDIVIDUAL
ECCENTRICITIES is KINDA COOL, in an OLD FASHIONED WAY! I forget just how
BLATANT the Conspiracy's hired reps REALLY ARE, regarding their own LYNCH
MOB CHICKEN SHIT NATURE. They are as PROUD that they all drink the same
beer and root for the same team and listen to the same Eric Clapton records
and love the same Seinfeld jokes, as I am proud that I AM BARELY EVEN AWARE
OF ANY OF THOSE THINGS. But they can't seem to just IGNORE us like we
ignore them. To the ego-insecure Pinks, our disinterest in their idols is
HOSTILITY... because it IMPLIES that we think we're onto something BETTER,
which would in turn imply that we dare to think they MIGHT be the DUMBASSES
in the equation -- even though they outnumber us by thousands to one! THE
NERVE OF US!!
Most of you, who still work for the Conspiracy, have to deal with this on a
daily basis, and to you I'm probably merely restating the PAINFULLY
obvious. I gotta admit, I've had so much god damn SLACK for the last few
years, that until I had to talk to Morning Drive Time Rock Jocks every
morning, I had ALMOST FORGOTTEN how truly EVIL the Pink One is.
Maybe the Holocaustals are right. FUCK the Pinks as "natural resources."
KILL THEM ALL. But AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE. THAT is the New Ivangelical way.
KILL, but let's not WASTE the ENTERTAINMENT VALUE.
((The fact that I've now TOTALLY GIVEN UP on the HUMANS and think they
should ALL DIE, starting with the CLASSIC ROCK JOCKS, should not be taken
as an endorsement of the Holocaustal movement! I still think they're a
bunch of DUMB NAZIS that don't realize they're acting JUST LIKE HUMANS.))
Luckily, these rock jocks, none of whom ever heard of Dobbs or the Church
before, always expect me to be somehow THANKFUL for the chance to be USED
by them. Little do they know, I've been doing this for 20 years, and
nowadays truly could not give less of a FUCK about their idiotic Pink
shows, or EVEN SELLING OUR BOOKS. I JUST DON'T CARE!! X-Day's a-comin'!
Apparently my attitude must be obvious to these hosts, because the last
two ended up getting really defensive and bragging about their ratings, as
if I had somehow impugned their pedigrees. All I did was mention that
getting up early to do their drive-time show was a pain in the ass. To
them, maybe that's a nasty reminder that they have many bosses and live in
fear, while I serve only "Bob" and float in a sea of Slack. When I'm not
too busy HATING PROFESSIONALLY, anyway.
GOD DAMN IT! Then I got that VIRUS that's going around that makes you stop
working and sit around watching rented movies and coughing... and then I
broke my tooth AGAIN! On an unpopped POPCORN SEED! Then the STORMS came!
Then VCR #4 broke! Then I somehow got on a phone-call-returning jag and
each phone call lasted an hour! And meanwhile, the Connietites continue
draining me. So I STILL haven't posted A GOL DURNED THING nor UPDATED
SUBSITE nary one wheet nor twittle, nor even answered email.
I guess that's my cue to go RENT ANOTHER MOVIE!!!
Then my COMPUTER got the virus!
I finally had this Boston devival report all htmled up, ALMOST, when
suddenly even the simplest word processing programs started crashing my Mac
-- the hard drive of which had just been replaced. Turns out that a virus
had been running loose in my system since just after I got the new hard
drive, when I updated dozens of my programs using ill-gotten copies of
copies, many of them downloaded from strangers. While deleting it from all
my disks, I traced the virus's origins to a batch of "stuff" I'd picked up
in Cleveland. Oh well, the virus is gone now, and everything's hunky-dory,
except my broken tooth and my interior snot factories, but the tooth will
probably get fixed this afternoon, and the snot factories, hell. HELL.
So many pieces have fallen off me lately that we're thinking of starting a
The rock jocks this morning were nice. They let me debate that "Expose Bob"
nut that thinks we're Satanists, Mr. Kuersteiner. What a wacko THAT guy is.
55 days left, now.
Later in the day -- I got the tooth fixed, and all the Boston Devival-Porno
website sections uploaded and corrected.
Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack