Subject: one from the text mines
From: Rev Mondo <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 19:17:58 -0600
From Issue No. 43, Vol. 17 of the Stark Fist of Removal
Article by Leggo Lembert
by Leggo Lambert
I wish I could just drop 'em and show you the sucker! It's that god
damn simple. THIS IS NOT SOME LOUSY GIMMICK to make you feel INFERIOR
and REPRODUCTIVELY AMBIGUOS! -- like so many other spots. THIS IS THE
REAL THING and by the end of this document you will know where your
SubG-Spot is, and you will be able to find it on other people, if they ask
I will tell you first of all that THIS SPOT TRANSCENDS SEXUAL
ALIGNMENT. You have one. Your mother has one. That asshole who wrote the
book about that OTHER SPOT has one. AS SURE AS WE ARE ALL BORN WITH A
COGNITIVE URGE TO CRAP OUR PANTS we are born with SubG-Spots. It is a
question of maintenance.
Some of you, I can tell, are thinking that this SubG-Spot is going to
give you BETTER, MORE SOPHISTICATED SEXhurt. Or that THIS IS THE KEY THAT
WILL UNLOCK YOUR ORGASM PROBLEM. Or perhaps, MAKE YOU A BETTER ORGASM-DONOR.
This simply isn't true. You've already had the best sex you will ever get.
If you are looking for a MIRACLE then put this down and find that
GYNECOLOGICAL TRAVESTY you think you need.
Now, you are probably thinking that I WILL NEVER ACTUALLY TELL YOU
where your SubG-Spot is, or that this has got to be some kind of joke. FUCK
I will tell you for the last time that I AM NOT KIDDING; you have a
SubG-Spot and you will know what it's for in just a short while.
Your SubG-Spot is a Slack-sensitive patch of tissue covering the
triangular-shaped coccyx bone at the base of your spine: WHERE YOUR TAIL
USED TO BE! Place your hand behind your back along the knobbed ridge of your
backbone. Slowly, so as not to OVERSHOOT your SubG-Spot, run your fingertips
downwards until you run out of bone.
At this point, your fingertips should be somewhere above your anus
and below where your coccyx attaches to your backbone. Press into your
fleshy coverage with your index finger. You should just be able to FEEL the
TIP OF THE TRIANGLE -- the downward-pointing apex of your coccyx. PRESS IT
HARD. This, my friend, is the proverbial Slack Antenna itself, that WHOLLY
MYSTERIOUS ANATOMIC ANOMALY that is likely to change your life and the lives
of those whose lives change easily: THE SUBG-SPOT.
Locating the Spot itself, though easier and more straight-forward
than locating CONSPIRACY SPOTS that have you PUMMELING YOUR ORIFICES TILL
YOU DIE, is rather useless *unless* you're acquainted with the
Dobbs-approved procedure for MANIFESTING ITS DEVINE PURPOSE.
I would like to take this opportunity to WARN THOSE who feel as I
don't, that ancestral tail of ours -- the coccyx -- is a vestigal calcitic
stalactite riding our butts on borrowed time. THERE IS A PURPOSE to this
skeletal contruct! It is not an ANAL UVULA! It is a TEMPLE! And its one and
only shrine is the SPOT KNOWN ONLY TO TRUE SUBGENII and monkeys.
Keeping your fingers pressed on your Spot, or someone else's, apply
enough gradual pressure so it becomes MINIMALLY COMFORTABLE. The sensation
you feel is a revitalization of the SubG-Spot's pre-metamorphic systalic
energy. If you feel nothing, your SubG-Spot has been atrophied. Wiped out,
so to speak.
Now, maintaining the pressure, close your eyes and concentrate on
TUNING IN nearby Slack emissions. If all you get is STATIC, try rotating
your body. Once you have pinned down what you consider a STEADY STREAM OF
SLACKWAVE, release your SubG-Spot by drawing your hand away from your back,
perpendicular to your spine.
What you feel now is the PHANTOM TAIL emerging from your Spot, the
TRUE COCCYX that JHVH-1 SMOTE FROM OUR BODIES! FREE YOUR HANDS AND RUN
RAMPANT! PRAISE "BOB" FOR THE TAIL HE HATH RESTORED AT LONG LAST! *WAG YOUR