Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: The princess and the pea (was: Re: ism)

From: bg19354@StUpIdSpAmDeAtH.binghamton.edu (Nully Fydyan)

Date: Mon, 11 May 1998 13:15:06 -0500

 

In article <3556DF3A.6F0@cogsci.ed.ac.uk>, Peter Hipwell

<petehip@cogsci.ed.ac.uk> wrote:

> Maybe it refers to this new Hawking-Penrose theory -- before the Big

> Bang, the Universe was a pea. That's what I _read_, although I admit I

> wasn't paying very close attention.

 

Oh, well, then you missed the really important part. Apparently, the

universe *was* a pea, floating in another universe. And in that universe,

there was a young prince who wanted to get married. And in order to test

the quality and propriety of the prospective princesses, they would make

her sleep the night with that pea up her cooter. (We have no evidence

that it was sterilized between tests, but for the sake of hygeine let's

hope so.) They also wanted to test just how far a woman would go to become

princess, and whether or not she would let her sense of what's proper keep

her from doing what needs to be done. A princess cannot always be bound

by what's proper, and sometimes must act outrageously in the best

interests of her kingdom. The test was kept secret, for it was felt that

if people knew in advance what would occur it would undermine their honest

reactions and behaviors.

In another kingdom there lived a beautiful young woman who had been

thrust out of her family house at age 15 and forced into selling her body

to survive. But because she was so beautiful, she was immediately

snatched up by a high-priced house of pleasures. One gentleman who

regularly availed himself of her services was a frequent visitor from the

unwedded prince's kingdom. He was a merchant, and the tarrifs involved in

transferring goods between kingdoms had just gone up and he feared they

might ruin his trade. He was trying to find a way to gain an audience

with the prince, but had yet to do so. But, after an hour of continuous

pleasure with this young courtesan, he had an inspired idea. He would

bring her to the prince, and, overwhelmed with her beauty, he would

immediately choose her to wed. And, hopefully, in the proccess the

merchant, as the princess's "uncle", would get time to discuss trading and

tarrifs. And perhaps even get a trade exemption. (Oh, he was looking

forward to marrying into royalty!)

Things processed as these things do, with plots hatched and clothes

purchased. Fortunately, the girl had already been schooled in exquisite

manners, and they didn't have to worry about that aspect. She even knew

the proper way to deal with royalty (it was a *very* high-priced house),

and how to act like a princess in order to satisfy those special kinks.

Less than a week later, they were en route to the kingdom, to snare a

prince. The young woman was all for the plan. She had just celebrated

her 18th birthday, and felt it was more than time to be seeking a

husband. After all, she couldn't ply her goods all her life.

The prince was, as predicted, enthralled by her beauty, her shy yet

regal bearing, and the air of supressed sexuality that still managed to

seep through her outward appearance. After being separated from her

"uncle", she was subject to all the initial tests, which she passed

without any difficulty. She dined with the prince, and wooed him with

conversation, listening attentively to his words, seeming to want nothing

greater than to hear and understand all he said. (After all, she was

practiced at faking it.) She was genuinely charmed by him, though. For

all that he was older than she, he had an innocence and optimism that

reflected his secluded upbringing. He needed someone to help him see the

more practical side of things, and after they were firmly wed and with an

heir on the way, she knew she could begin meddling. She had long years of

practice getting men to do what they thought they wanted. That they might

not be wed seemed a dimmer and dimmer prospect, considering the way he was

looking at her now.

She expected there would be more tests, but what she was told while

preparing for bed floored her. Sure, she had heard stranger things, and

done far stranger things, but had never before heard of men trying to

initiate their wives into their kinks *before* the marriage. Fortunately,

the old maid, who was also supposed to be monitoring her reactions, took

her stunned silence for innocent disbelief, and began comforting her, and

telling her it would not hurt. Of that the young woman had no doubt. She

doubted that she would even feel it, and had the sudden fear that, as

streched as she was (and the tightening excercises can only do so much)

the pea would slip back and get lost somewhere inside of her. She was

sure she would be monitored all night, and could not remove or in any way

arrange the pea securely. Besides, she was supposed to be a virginal

young thing, and theoretically didn't know about any of this. As the maid

pushed the pea in the folds of her lips, she decided there was only one

course of action. She would remain with her internal muscles clenched the

entire night, while feigning sleep. She was sure she'd put on tougher

shows in her career, and could handle this one.

Hours later, watching the young one pretend to get a good night's

sleep, the maid felt admiration and pity. She must be in fear she hadn't

bothered to express, with the way her muscles were tensed, and perhaps

even in pain. The brave girl must really have taken to the prince. So

many girls had fled after just hearing about this test.

The pea had slipped, just a little, and the girl concentrated on

keeping her muscles tight. She was afraid loosening and contracting them

would be noticeable to her audience, and bore down all the pressure she

possibly could. After a while, her body exhausted, she started to relax.

And the pea did not move. Feeling that, she relaxed a bit more, and

finally completely, and slid into sleep. The maid, noticing, let out a

long sigh. Of all she had watched, she would be proud to serve this one

for the rest of her life.

Awakened in the morning with a hand on her brow, the girl was told to

sit up slowly to avoid dislodging the tiny pea inside her. She did not

remember falling asleep, and was suddenly aware of the fact that she could

not feel the pea. It was small, she told herself (and tried to supress a

giggle when she realize that, if things with the prince did not work out,

she could now say honestly that she'd had much smaller things inside of

her all night long, no matter what the gentleman in question presented her

with). The maid helped her up, and she was told to squat over a basin and

expell the pea. She thought it might just fall out, and when it didn't,

she pushed with her muscles. It was only when nothing happened that she

began panicking. The old maid saw it, and told her she should try again,

or they would try to get it out with a finger. Not knowing whose finger

she was about to have inside of her, she gave one last mighty push, and

the pea came shooting out, ricocheted off the side of the bowl, and

skidded around in the air a bit before landing back inside. Both women

were trying to suppress laughs for the other's sake, and when one failed

the other immediately followed, and the chamber was filled with mirth.

The pea, having spent the night under the kind of pressure that turns

coal into diamonds, was still vibrating in the bowl. Then it started

spinning, faster and faster until it looked as if it would burn a whole

through the bottom of the bowl. Instead, the bowl began spinning, and the

speed lifted it off the table. The women watched as it hurled itself

towards an open window, and as it gained height the bowl dropped off and

just the pea flew, still spinning, further and further into space. They

were still watching (and giggling) half an hour later as it seemed to

explode and then disappear. Then the maid helped her princess-to-be

dress, and they went downstairs to inform the prince (in vaguest possible

terms) of the success of the previous night's test.

And that, children, is how our universe was born out of a pea. The pea

spent the night snug and warm and bathed in womanly juices, and then was

expelled into a cold world, only to be laughed at. And as the universe

began, so do we all.

 

--

Rev. Nully Fydyan

Church of the Ungendered Yeti

 

"I am a high-ranking member of a Texas UFO Death Cult that launches

rubber golfer heads and worships a piece of Yellow Pages clipart. My

"personal credibility" blew it's wad YEARS ago." -- Dr.K'taden Legume