Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: What StBob Has Been Up To

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:53:20 GMT


My sincerest apologies for so blatantly ignoring this fine NG and allowing it

to fall to pot in my absensory-experiences. Here's a summary of what I've been

doing instead.


Bob soak Slack. Bob president of Brown Band. Bob increase enrollment so now

band need two buses. Bob invite Big Nazo puppet troupe to do halftime show with



Bob take four classes. Bob drop one after midterms due to lack of time. Bob

like class, like readings (Josef Conrad, James Joyce, H.D.) but fall too far

behind. Lose some Slack over that. Bob no get into creative writing class.




Bob start write for Film Bulletin. Wonderful outlet for crehateivity. Goal of

FB to destroy Brown University. Also advertise films for Film Society.

Editor-in-chief self-proclaimed anarcho-nihilist. Too many hyphens in last



Bob look for job. Hope to find one that gives mucho Slack. REALLY have to look

hard for THAT... or maybe Bob just ride the luck plane.

Bob feel kinda bad about not posting to alt.slack and letting it die in his

nonsense absense.


Bob will start posting second-hand pieces written for Film Bulletin to get

second hand Slack...



From Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! Mon Nov 10 14:01:46 1997

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Albini West Virgin Rant

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 22:01:46 GMT


[Albini West is a friend of mine who resides somewhere in the upper strata of

my id]


So Merrie, you're a virgin then. How very nice to hear. I'm sure we all want to

hear about it. Really. I'm not quite sure what your point was, though. What

EXACTLY was it that compelled you to share that little factoid with the entire

campus? You want help? Your situation is easily remedied. Just give me a call

sometime. Easily remedied.


If you were complaining that there aren't enough virgins at Brown . . . well,

I'll tell you I'm a virgin too, if you really want. Hell, I might not even be

lying through my teeth in hopes of getting into your pants. You never know! If

it really bothers you, I'll let you in on a little secret-- there was a little

something a few decades back called THE SIXTIES!


This virgin pride thing is probably just a shield to protect you from dealing

with a part of yourself that frightens you (Are the lambs still screaming

Merrie? Are they still SCREAMING IN ECSTASY!? Oh yeah, I know all about your

kind . . . ) Or maybe you just don't want to admit to yourself that everybody

else at this university is off at the CVS in pairs buying K-Y jelly and rubber

chickens and grinning at each other wickedly, or else listening to old Gang of

Four seven inches and practicing from page 37 of the Karma Sutra while you're

in your room sighing over that REEEEEALY sensitive cute guy in your history

section and downloading scantily clad JPGs of Marky Mark.


I hate to say it, but you got beat to the punch. The editor of last year's Film

Bulletin also announced to the entire university that he was a virgin. Nobody

basically gave a shit, and nobody gives a shit now. If you want to make a stir

hear at Brown, you have to claim that your rights are somehow being violated by

the sexual atmosphere. Anyone else here (aside from Matt Gilgoff) remember Jake

"Condom Boy" Feldman? (Ahh, the Film Bulletin's checkered past . . . ) Yes

Virginia, there are virgins at Brown. Shitloads of them. Every last single one

of them is in your unit, too. Just why do you think they're all so obsessed

with sex? Cuz they're GETTING ANY!? H A H ! !


So, just go to a phrat party some time, get all liquored up on the Beast and

let people feel you up while pretending to write on your shirt. Or go to an

off-campus party, drink too much Guinness and pass out on the host's bed. You

won't have to worry about being a virgin too much longer. You and your entire

unit can have that magical first-time experience (simultaneously if you so

choose) without the pain of remembering how awkward it was! Or just give me a

call sometime. Really. Not that I'm desperate or anything! If you want me to be

a virgin too I can do that-- I'll just stick it right in and lose it after the

first ten seconds then fall asleep. If you really don't care, I can let you sit

on my face and give you three hours of foreplay, then stick it in and lose it

after the first ten seconds and then fall asleep. The choice is yours.

-Albini West 99



From Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! Mon Nov 10 13:55:52 1997

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Kitten Problemz

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:55:52 GMT


Written for the FB:

So my family got a little kitten and they decided to have her spayed. Now,

this is perfectly understandable. It keeps the world population of kittens

down and God knows the last thing we need is more fuzzy cuteness, like

walls of cute fuzzy kittens, seas of them running down every main street

in herds just being cute and fuzzy and making a general nuisance of

themselves . . . I fully realize that we must be ever vigilant and guard

ourselves from such a sickeningly cute state of affairs. It did get me

thinking though, that . . . well, this is, after all, the nineties and

all, after all, and well we're supposed to be all, you know, liberated and

all, you know sensitive like. I guess I'll just come right out and say it

. . . if we spay the little kittens of the world we are denying them an

essential part of their nature. Frankly, I'm worried that our little kitty

might go through her entire feline life without experiencing sexual

fulfillment. This led me to wonder if maybe, once the rest of the world

reaches the same obvious and inescapable conclusion, a new industry might

sprout up-- one dedicated to helping our pets live their lives to the

fullest in all its glorious and carnal wonder. It is with this in mind

that I submitted my patent for the first ergonomically designed vibrating

feline dildo, which will allow owners to show their cute, fuzzy and

successfully defused animal companions just how much love they have in

their hearts.


Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Re: Kitten Problemz

From: (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)

Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 23:44:23 GMT

In article <647vt8$>, Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob) wrote:

*cutting to the chase....*

>.. . . if we spay the little kittens of the world we are denying them an

>essential part of their nature. Frankly, I'm worried that our little kitty

>might go through her entire feline life without experiencing sexual

>fulfillment. This led me to wonder if maybe, once the rest of the world

>reaches the same obvious and inescapable conclusion, a new industry might

>sprout up-- one dedicated to helping our pets live their lives to the

>fullest in all its glorious and carnal wonder. It is with this in mind

>that I submitted my patent for the first ergonomically designed vibrating

>feline dildo, which will allow owners to show their cute, fuzzy and

>successfully defused animal companions just how much love they have in

>their hearts.

Does it have barbs? It's not realistic enough if it isn't barbed.]




| Popess Lilith von Fraumench | Fools' Press |

| Hangnail Of the Stark Fist | 1122 E Pike St, #769 |

| Sadomasticist At Large | Seattle, WA 98122-3934 |

|"Spiting the Gods since 1989"| |

| |


Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Letter Phrom a Phrat Guy

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 22:03:06 GMT



Dear BDH

I am a phrat guy. I am phrankly sick and tired of all you supposedly "liberal"

Brown students always portraying phrats in such a negative light all the time.

If you made the same kind of stereotypes about phaggots and broads that you

"open minded" students always stick on us poor phrat guys, there would be a

great big "uproar" and have demonstrations on the main green and all that

sixties crap. The way people act at Brown, you'd think that when a man decides

to join a phrat or a chick a sorority, they do this of their own phree will and

are already completely aware of all the stereotypes in place.


I'm phrankly sick of the strong anti-Greek sentiment on this campus. I realize

this strong anti-Greek sentiment on the Brown campus even though I'm from

Connecticut and not from Greece at all. People don't seem to think that it's

wrong to stereotype us in the same way that it is wrong to stereotype negroes

and kykes who were born that way and had no choice in the matter. It's not as

if the stereotype of getting drunk all the time and getting mad pussy were what

inspired us to join in the phirst place! Next thing you know people will start

stereotyping the ISO too just coz they have voluntary membership too.

-Jimmy Cosgrove 00



Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Dead Freshamn Rant

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:57:46 GMT



Alright, this is the LAST time I'm going to say it . . . there will be NO dead

freshman jokes in this Film Bulletin. You can't DO that! I mean, no matter how

callous and misanthropic and cynical you are, you just CAN'T write a story

about how she was climbing into the back seat to get her two-cycle-

internal-combustion-engine-powered, steel-grommet-studded 17-inch vibrator,

because that's just completely uncalled for. No matter how boring this campus

is, there has to be other fodder for comedy we can use before sinking to the

level of dead freshman jokes. It's the rules: you're not allowed to make jokes

about anyone until the body starts to smell.


Now, in olden times, that meant maybe three or four hours . . . after rigor

mortis had set in, just when the first bloating started. These days, of course,

in our over-sanitized society with its so-called modern embalming techniques

and so-called timely burial and so-called measures to prevent pestilence, where

decent God-fearing men no longer have the freedom to catch the black death and

die in excruciating agony like in the good old days before so-called

antibiotics and you can't just throw your shit out the window because of

so-called city health ordinances (I swear, if I ever get that judge alone . . .

), it might take several months before the body gets ripe and, of course, by

then it's already buried so you never know whether or not the stench has begun,

so you have to pussyfoot around the issue for maybe half a year unless you're

willing to exhume the body, which is generally frowned upon because of

so-called respect for the dead (not to mention other city health ordinances

(and if I ever see THAT judge again . . . )) by which time people look at you

and go, "Dead freshman? What dead freshman? What the fuck are you talking

about? You gotta lay off the crack, boy!"



Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Brown Daily Herald Rant

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:56:52 GMT


Written 4 FB:

But the interesting thing is that classes had been in session barely longer

than a week when I was already being misquoted by the bloody BDH. I don't know

who said that incomprehensible string of meaningless syllables they attributed

to me. If I actually spoke like that, random people walking down the street

would slap me if they were in a good mood and drag me into an alley and beat me

senseless if they were miffed. Whoever wrote that article just took random

words seven or eight different people said and stuck them all into one


BODY! THE average Brown STUDENT just reads this and assumes IT must BE true!

And they just sit around in their office or whatever it is they have instead of

an office all day and MAKE SHIT UP!


And what's more, the reporter was working on a deadline and knew NOTHING at

all, so completely counted on us to give her her story. We could've told her

ANYTHING, any kind of outrageous lies, and they would have been in the BDH two

days later, entering the canon of unquestionable Brown truths. As it was, we

got exactly the story we wanted, even if we were all horribly misquoted.


Think about this for a second. This is exactly what goes on at the BDH . . .

it's nothing but a mouthpiece for propaganda. Whatever story the administration

tells them will be spoon-fed the next day to the student body. LIES! ALL LIES!

Think about this for a second. Replace the BDH with, say, the New York Times or

Newsweek. Replace the administration and student groups with multinational

corporations and the federal government. THIS IS THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS!


Noam Chomsky is right! Go out right now, buy Manufacturing Consent and read it.

Six or seven times. Recognize the reality that you are being lied to every time

you open a newspaper or turn on the television.


Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Brown Daily Herald Rant II

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 21:58:42 GMT



Now, the BDH DID publish a time line for Professor Adegosan, which proves that,

contrary to popular (and for the most part correct) belief, the BDH does have a

memory that extends past last week. What I'D like to see, though, is a time

line on the things people who are still AT this university have done. I know

the BDH has their archives sitting back in some dusty file cabinet somewhere in

their office or whatever it is that they have instead of an office, and if

they'd just sort through some of it, they might discover some interesting

things that none of the students here know about because of the handy-dandy

four year institutional memory. For example, how many people here know that

Dean Desroachers at one point tendered his resignation to President Gregorian

after a particularly nasty little scandal involving College Hill Travel?

Gregorian did not accept the resignation, of course, but instead demoted the

Dean. Notice that he is once again a dean. When did this happen? Well, at some

point after everybody who remembered the incident had already graduated. And

who out there in Brunoland can name the other Dean who tendered his own

resignation over the SAME scandal? Who can guess what happened to him? How

about just last year? Have we ever found out exactly what happened with that

Grad Center suite? Remember that obnoxious history teacher you had in grade

school who would always say that those who don't learn their history were

doomed to repeat it, then made that tired joke about some of you repeating

fifth grade? The Brown student body has the collective memory of a retarded

pothead Alzheimer's sufferer.


The BDH is too busy sucking the cock of the administration to remind us. The

Independent is too busy trying to show off how hip it is. Issues is too busy

being over-intellectually masturbatory, writing using MCM jargon to prove that

anybody who writes and/or reads it (yeah, as if there's ANY difference between

those two subsets) is just soooooo smart and swank and superior, and doing

stories about ART EXHIBITS because they can't be BOTHERED with politics even

though the bloody rag is CALLED Issues . . . I mean what the fuck is the point

of having a magazine called Issues if it's all about art? Wouldn't you think

that since it's called Issues it might want to deal with . . . oh, I don't

know . . . ISSUES?!? Why not change the name to Pretentious Semio Art Snobs

Quarterly if you're not actually going to be concerned with ISSUES?


If these Brown publications aren't going to start carrying their WEIGHT around

here, then that leaves us only Clerestory, Catalyst, Good Clean Fun and the

Film Bulletin.


Look at that list! Who you gonna call?

Da's RIGHT, muthafuckaz!!!


Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Albini West Journals Sep. 14 (Keyboard Porn Revisited)

From: Bob_Chapman@NOSPAM! (Crazy Bob)

Date: 10 Nov 1997 22:00:09 GMT



Sep. 14

I'm in the CIT right now. The chicks around here mostly have long hair, so they

don't distract me much from my work. I do have my own computer, but I don't

like using it because the keyboard is too quiet. Some people don't like to go

to the CIT to do computer stuff. I don't understand it.


The computer I'm using right now has a really cheap keyboard, the kind where

every single key is connected to asnap switch. When you press the key you hear

a nice firm KLAK! And then when you let it go there's a nice PTING! I love

typing really fast (even though I only type with two fingers) because there's

this klakpting! klakpting! klakpting! the whole time and it sends these shivers

down my spine. Each keystroke is electric. Then I'm surrounded by all these

other people typing too.


There's a girl with kind of dark skin, kind of an ethnically ambiguous thing

going on, with straight long black hair and she's hunting for each key. KLAK!

PTIIIING! Pause. KLAK! PTIIING! Pause. KLAK! PTIIING! You get the picture. Most

of the rest of the people are typing with all ten fingers, not even looking

down. Klikitakatunkaklakkaklikkaklikkachunk! The sounds are invading my very

soul, haunting my mind, making my eardrums throb. I start typing faster.

Harder. The keyboard rings beneath my fingers like a thing alive.

Then she sits down at the computer next to me.


She's wearing a German army shirt, like they used to have at the Thayer

Army/Navy store and her hair is really short. It's contoured almost exactly to

the shape of her head, with a slight taper at the back. She doesn't even notice

me, just starts typing away. She must be typing at least 120 WPM. I turn back

to my screen and hit the keys with even greater vigor. I hear her keystrokes

get louder, maybe in response to mine, maybe in competition. It doesn't matter

to me, I type faster, drawing strength and coordination from the unspoken

connection between us. The rest of the computer lab is singing along with us,

like a backing choir to our clacking duet. The keys fly beneath my fingers and

I tupe even faster than before, faster than I ever thought I could, I don't

ecen stop to correct typos now, there's just no tine and the clacking runs

trough my mind and down my neck an I toye harder and faster, faster and harder,

nd I can hear her breqth quickening next to me and she's typing even faster

now, so fast I can't imagine that she's actually even trying to type out

anything because she's typing faster than the speend of thought and the

clacking numbs my ears until I can hardly feel them any more and I'm typing

harder and faster and I'm starting to perspire noe, the sweat drips down my

nose and lands on the keyboard, making the keys more slick and I start to lose

mydfingring and I don't care and the typing is getting louyder and louder and

louder and . . .


I sit back in my chair, my fingers aching and my endurance spent. Finally I

open my eyes and look over next to me and there's nobody at the computer. I

begin to wonder if I imagined the whole thing, but then I see that the screen

is still on, and there's a message:


"Call me sometime." She hadn't even logged out.


So I slide over and use her account to send crank E-mail to the BDH.