Newsgroups: alt.slack,rhit.gas.stations.bigfoot,alt.sex.hello-kitty

Subject: Be yourself... BY BEING EXACTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! (ASH-K: Hi Sara Mmmm!)

From: "Xenophon Fenderson, the Carbon(d)ated" <econommx@rose-hulman.edu>

Date: 02 Nov 1997 23:50:10 -0500

 

Well, Friday I took it upon myself to attempt to enlighten the masses.

My first sermon of the evening was taken from alt.fuck.you and is

entitled "pathetic". I didn't write it, but I sure wish I had (and I

don't know who did). The second sermon I gave is copied in its

entirety below and is an original composition by yours truly. I hope

you all enjoy it. :) (P.S. Both sermons were well received. And

 

Saturday evening I was able to cannonize a young fellow by the name of

Anthony Ryan Millus as the Saint of Tobacco Products. Won't you

please join the Discordian Saint Drive? Only Catholics have more

saints than we do, and we're looking to outstrip them by the end of

the millenium. Moral perfection isn't required for Discordian

Sainthood, you just have to suffer a lot.)

 

Oh, and I want to send a BIG hello and lots of fluffy luvums to Sara

M. Alt.Sex.Hello-Kitty has been a great inspiration in my life, and I

don't know what I'd do with out you! *warm fuzzies*!!!!

 

Without further ado, my first original sermon:

 

Be yourself BY BEING EXACTLY LIKE OTHER PEOPLE!

 

Are you abnormal? Do people think you're weird? Are you a Rebel?

You could be a mere human, a cow placidly waiting for the slaughter

(July 5, 7AM!), or you could be a Free Being! You could roam the vast

realms of possiblitity like a YOUNG GOD breathing the first breath of

Creation! But in this day and age, even non-conformance is

commercialized and over-hyped. I mean, how many high-school pretty

boys put on face paint and wear black, claiming "I am as Death, fear

me"?

 

First of all, walk up to the punk and BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF HIM. What

is up with all these kiddies driving their daddy's Porches and buying

fscking leather and claiming "oh, my life is so hard"? Puh-leaze!

Real bad asses don't need the face paint. They don't need the

clothes. They make DO with whatever it is at hand. They Survive,

Creatively. They don't whine, they BITCH: Whining is Dido mourning

her lover Aeneas's death, but bitching is Dido complaining that that

fuck Aeneas went and died on her and he still owed her 50 bucks.

Grok? That's right, real bad asses are "bitchin'", bay-bee. Believe

it.

 

Which leads me to my second point. You don't need to be all freaky

and whiny just to make some statement. That is what POSERS do, and I

hope ta "BOB" you're not a poser, because I'm going to fucking RIP

YOUR THROAT OUT YOU WHINY ASSED FUCK! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, YOU

SNIVELING LITTLE LUSER, AND I *WILL* COME FOR YOU!

...whew. Sorry about that, I'm all better now.

 

Now, to really SHOW YOUR TRUE weirdness, *don't conform to the

Non-conformers*. They're just wanna-bees trying to be all cool and

that. If you want to really make a statement, DON'T CONFORM... BY

CONFORMING! Be a fucking revolutionary, I say! These wanna-be

"non-conformists" don't realize that in not conforming, they are

ACTING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, because NON-CONFORMING IS THE NORM,

because the CON is everywhere, replacing TRUE IDIVIDUALITY with a

evilly twisted False Individualism, where everybody buys all the same

"freaky" clothes and listens to all the same "freaky" music. THAT'S

NOT INDIVIDUALITY. THAT'S NOT CREATIVITY. THAT'S LETTING THE _CON_

SEDUCE YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. THAT'S LETTING THE CON

TAKE AWAY YOUR TRUE SLACK---the only Happiness you'll EVER need---AND

REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T QUITE CUT THE MUSTARD.

 

Yes, you can fight the Con, by NOT fighting the Con!

Maybe you don't realize how PERVASIVE the Con actually is. It is

EVERYWHERE! It is HUMAN STUPIDITY refined and compounded 6 BILLION

TIMES OVER. It is all the dumb things you've ever done in your entire

life, all of the dumb things WE'VE ALL DONE EVER, *compounded* and

Amortized and REMORTGAGED. You can't escape it, but you CAN FIGHT IT!

 

That's where "Bob" comes in. He seems just like THEM, like the Pinks.

He's inept. He's dumb. He's fucking STONED OFF HIS ASS ON 'FROP AND

HE COULDN'T CARE LESS. And he's driving that train HEAD ON into Casey

Jones. Yeah! But he's *DIFFERENT*. He's not Trying, he's Doing

(usually "Connie", but occasioinally other things). True stupidity

FLOWS FROM HIS BRAIN like something out of Terminator-2, ever taking a

new form, which is really Something that ALREADY IS. "Bob" copies

SHAMELESSLY, becomes LIKE US ALL, to show us WE CAN be like everyone

else, and it doesn't matter, because the Point is to Try To Not To

Try, to be TRUELY FREE by not giving a shit what others think.

 

Are you READY FOR TRUE FREEDOM? Are you hurting, down in the DEEPS of

your very GONADS? You CRAVE SLACK, don't you? You'll do ANYTHING for

it, because unlike some fucking CON DRUG you know THIS IS THE REAL

THING. And I've GOT THE MOTTS, fucking cinnamon-apple sauce in the

little plastic cup with the FOIL TOP, right here for you bay-bee, and

all you have to do is BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE long enough to send the

contents of your bank account to P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214,

because THERE'S NO WAY else to be just like everybody else IN A

COMPLETELY NEW WAY.

 

JUST "DO" IT. FEEL THE SLACK WAVES AS THEY FLOW TO YOU AND THROUGH

YOU. Just remember to clean up after yourself---it does stain.

 

"Bob" bless...

--

Xenophon Fenderson, the Carbon(d)ated, Discordian Episkopos of Ambidextrous

Thinking, Licensed SubGenius Minister, Patron Saint of All Things Plastic

fnord, `Salted Litter' of rhit.gas.stations.bigfoot, and Member of the Cuddle

Cabal (TINC(tm)). "Join the fight against Argil Exsiccation!" Meow-fwoop.