Subject: Manse Diaries: Spunky the Dentyst
From: email@example.com (MegaLiz)
Date: Wed, 05 Nov 1997 03:57:29 GMT
It a bad, bad, evil thing to project your own expectations too
strenuously upon the spawn. I know that. Sure. Some normal children
would fall prey to the pressure, but it would take insane and
single-minded persistence to force the way of the mutant honeychile.
You would have to use nothing but paper plates, for one thing. You
would have to surrender completely to chaos and stifle all Slack
simultaneously and never have even the luxury of clean underwares.
All this to say, I'm not forcing Spunky to be a dentist. It's all I
can do to keep her ALIVE and entertained with peanutbutter picnics and
brain cloud storming.
Yesterday she wanted to learn to FLY. All morning she jumped off
THINGS: stools, chairs, playground equipment, stairs. I drew the line
at kitchen counters, and finally had to tell her that no matter HOW
hard she flapped her arms, she is not getting away from the earth
without a jet pack. It gave me a little pang, but I knew that if I
didn't say SOMETHING she was going to start eyeing the windows again.
Six hours later she announced that she was giving up FOR NOW.
This has nothing to do with dentistry YET.
Okay. Now it does. Ever since she had willful control of her hands,
Spunky has been sticking her hands in mouths and causing pain more
often than not. It's a gift. I had been referring to her as Our Little
Dentist, but at some magical time the so-called oral phase faded over
the horizon. For Spunky, her fascination with other mouths ended about
the same time she gave up eating rocks and running away from me with a
mouthful of change. I miss that just a little. It was like living with
a warm, mobile slot machine.
Anyway, today was a milestone in Spunky's education. Sparky confronted
me with great big tears, complaining that her loosest tooth hurt
whenever she swallowed. I was just a bit appalled. Maybe I'm
forgetting something, but I LOVED loose teeth. It was a big thrill to
wiggle them secretly with my tongue until they popped out. I even
enjoyed the blood, come to think of it. Tooth loss was drama that I
could control, but I don't remember staging any tooth events or
aggravating any adults with them. Generally, I saved them for the late
movies on the weekends and liberated them while I watched Charlie Chan
escape yet another vengeful death. No big deal.
Sparky is not one to let a little pain go unnoticed. Truly she does
pretty well with surprise pain, it's the anticipated pain that makes
her nuts. We'll never have to worry about any unnecessary piercing,
unless it's from some sort of ambush piercing attack.
She really didn't know what to do with her tooth, even though we've
been through all this before, and I wasn't sure how to help her with
this. Not one to let a little uncertainty slow me down, I bullied
everyone into shoes and coats to perform a strike attack on the drug
store. We'd get her some NOGUMS or whateveritis so that she could
wiggle the damned thing ON DRUGS. Obviously, I will use anything to
get out of the house.
Just as I was tugging an extra layer of clothes on Spider Monkey, the
other two collided full-speed. There I was with a ready-to-scream
baby, Spunky screaming and holding her eye and Sparky screaming
through a bloody hand.
Everybody calmed down quickly. I think it may have been the silencer
rays flying outta my eyes. Spunky offered me the WRONG EYE to kiss, so
I knew she was okie-dokie before I took Sparky to rinse her mouth. The
offending tooth was no longer just loose, it was hanging out and
twisting on a wisp of gum fiber.
We gave up the errand, since it didn't hurt anymore, but Sparky was
still not ready to yank it out. She wiggled it for half an hour
(without using her hands) and still, it just clung there. She looked
like she had a tooth growing out of her LIP. I was rilly, rilly
tempted, but I kept my hands away from her mouth and told her that
SOMEHOW the thing had to be gone before she could eat. No, not even
APPLESAUCE, I said.
Finally, she slumped on the couch, her tongue exhausted. Spunky saw
her chance and leapt from across the room and FLEW into Sparky's lap
for a Hug of Death.
Sparky screamed, "GETOFFGETOFFGETOFFA ME!!! I need BOTH of my hands to
get this tooth out of my mouth!"
That did it. Sparky danced up the stairs to tuck the free tooth into
bed, the very first satisfied customer.
* "Okay! Okay! I'll NEVAH EVAH do it AGAIN!" - The Spunky
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