Newsgroups: alt.foot.fat-free,alt.slack

Subject: Manse Diaries: Spunky the Dentyst

From: nospamum@radix.net (MegaLiz)

Date: Wed, 05 Nov 1997 03:57:29 GMT

 

It a bad, bad, evil thing to project your own expectations too

strenuously upon the spawn. I know that. Sure. Some normal children

would fall prey to the pressure, but it would take insane and

single-minded persistence to force the way of the mutant honeychile.

 

You would have to use nothing but paper plates, for one thing. You

would have to surrender completely to chaos and stifle all Slack

simultaneously and never have even the luxury of clean underwares.

 

All this to say, I'm not forcing Spunky to be a dentist. It's all I

can do to keep her ALIVE and entertained with peanutbutter picnics and

brain cloud storming.

 

Yesterday she wanted to learn to FLY. All morning she jumped off

THINGS: stools, chairs, playground equipment, stairs. I drew the line

at kitchen counters, and finally had to tell her that no matter HOW

hard she flapped her arms, she is not getting away from the earth

without a jet pack. It gave me a little pang, but I knew that if I

didn't say SOMETHING she was going to start eyeing the windows again.

Six hours later she announced that she was giving up FOR NOW.

 

This has nothing to do with dentistry YET.

 

Okay. Now it does. Ever since she had willful control of her hands,

Spunky has been sticking her hands in mouths and causing pain more

often than not. It's a gift. I had been referring to her as Our Little

Dentist, but at some magical time the so-called oral phase faded over

the horizon. For Spunky, her fascination with other mouths ended about

the same time she gave up eating rocks and running away from me with a

mouthful of change. I miss that just a little. It was like living with

a warm, mobile slot machine.

 

Anyway, today was a milestone in Spunky's education. Sparky confronted

me with great big tears, complaining that her loosest tooth hurt

whenever she swallowed. I was just a bit appalled. Maybe I'm

forgetting something, but I LOVED loose teeth. It was a big thrill to

wiggle them secretly with my tongue until they popped out. I even

enjoyed the blood, come to think of it. Tooth loss was drama that I

could control, but I don't remember staging any tooth events or

aggravating any adults with them. Generally, I saved them for the late

movies on the weekends and liberated them while I watched Charlie Chan

escape yet another vengeful death. No big deal.

 

Sparky is not one to let a little pain go unnoticed. Truly she does

pretty well with surprise pain, it's the anticipated pain that makes

her nuts. We'll never have to worry about any unnecessary piercing,

unless it's from some sort of ambush piercing attack.

 

She really didn't know what to do with her tooth, even though we've

been through all this before, and I wasn't sure how to help her with

this. Not one to let a little uncertainty slow me down, I bullied

everyone into shoes and coats to perform a strike attack on the drug

store. We'd get her some NOGUMS or whateveritis so that she could

wiggle the damned thing ON DRUGS. Obviously, I will use anything to

get out of the house.

 

Just as I was tugging an extra layer of clothes on Spider Monkey, the

other two collided full-speed. There I was with a ready-to-scream

baby, Spunky screaming and holding her eye and Sparky screaming

through a bloody hand.

 

Everybody calmed down quickly. I think it may have been the silencer

rays flying outta my eyes. Spunky offered me the WRONG EYE to kiss, so

I knew she was okie-dokie before I took Sparky to rinse her mouth. The

offending tooth was no longer just loose, it was hanging out and

twisting on a wisp of gum fiber.

 

We gave up the errand, since it didn't hurt anymore, but Sparky was

still not ready to yank it out. She wiggled it for half an hour

(without using her hands) and still, it just clung there. She looked

like she had a tooth growing out of her LIP. I was rilly, rilly

tempted, but I kept my hands away from her mouth and told her that

SOMEHOW the thing had to be gone before she could eat. No, not even

APPLESAUCE, I said.

 

Finally, she slumped on the couch, her tongue exhausted. Spunky saw

her chance and leapt from across the room and FLEW into Sparky's lap

for a Hug of Death.

 

Sparky screamed, "GETOFFGETOFFGETOFFA ME!!! I need BOTH of my hands to

get this tooth out of my mouth!"

 

That did it. Sparky danced up the stairs to tuck the free tooth into

bed, the very first satisfied customer.

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* "Okay! Okay! I'll NEVAH EVAH do it AGAIN!" - The Spunky

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