Subject: Re: THIS NG SUCKS!!!

Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 12:09:45 GMT

From: (Ted)

Organization: None

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 (Lisa rochwarg) wrote:


>I thought this was some inbred and cliquish NG for ubergeeks, but now

>I see that it's riddled with closet Nazis.


>Drop dead, you bastards. I hope your

>little dicklets drop off.


[A friend, (whose life sucks, thus brightening the lives of all who

know him) sent this to me. Now it can be yours as well. Keep it a

secret though. You're supposed to charge for secret stuff like



> Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers


>For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.

>However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.

>Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus, they now

>call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according

>to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that

>dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster

>than light.


>The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck

>dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you

>are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.

>The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.

>Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the

>ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last

>forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This

>is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a

>primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will

>notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing

>all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil

>next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black

>because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.


>Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited

>range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these

>can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a

>dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be

>either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can

>operate again.


>Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from

>this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating

>dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must

>travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates

>a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an

>operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim

>deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker.

>When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total

>darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of

>the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power

>of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark

>that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines,

>which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may

>be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to

>get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized

>this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe

>travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled

>slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled

>against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the

>dark along its way.


>Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were

>to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet,

>then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter

>the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to

>see the dark leave the closet.


>In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our

>lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb

>remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.


... and so, it's good that something sucks, for if nothing sucked, all

would be darkness. Personally, I'd be very tense and agitated.


ted (