Subject: The Church makes the Pink Print Media
From: email@example.com (Rev. Poindexter)
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 17:55:10 -0500
The EIC at the paper I work at dropped by my desk today and handed me a
press clipping from the Newspaper Enterprise Association, saying I might
find a reference or two "interesting"...
Comfort news in a time of crisis
By Joseph Spear
Not being a financial reporter, the best I can offer in this frightening
period of undulating stock markets is meat loaf and mashed potatoes,
metaphorically speaking, of course.
Searching for comfort news in a time of crisis is one of the multifarious
tasks a columnist must perform, and I take the duty very seriously. When
the market went south, I immediately began investigating the apocalypse, to
see if it is imminent.
The main thing I discovered, which should come as very soothing news, is
that it's not happening yet. Pinning it down, moreover, is a dicey
business. The Jehovah's Witnesses first predicted the Cataclysm would occur
in 1874. When that year came and went pretty much in normal fashion, the
date was revised to 1914. Then it was changed to 1925. Then to 1975‹after
which the church suspended all predictions.
Just last month, according to Harvard professor Stephen Jay Gould, we
survived the date prophesied for the end of the world by Anglican
Archbishop James Ussher in 1650. The next scheduled day of ruination that I
can find, this one divined by a Dallas-based congregation/mail-order
ministry/movement/parody called the Church of the SubGenius, is July 5,
While researching whether the end is near, I tripped across many
miscellaneous items that should lift your spirits.
It might gladden you to know, for example, that the unsleeping guardians of
all that is righteous remain on top of the sex crisis. For example, Brigham
Young University, which is owned by the Mormon Church, recently yanked four
sculptures from an Auguste Rodin exhibit. Rodin was, of course, from
France, which we all know is where sex got its start and where that tart
Brigitte Bardot lives. One of the pieces pulled was "The Kiss," in which
two naked and licentious pieces of stone embrace.
While this is comforting news indeed, I would be remiss if I failed to
alert you to the fact that a major sex crisis is just around the corner.
The sexual harassment case brought by Paula Jones against President Clinton
is approaching trial. Ms. Jones intends to prove her case by identifying a
Clinton is crooked, Paula says, and she is not referring to Whitewater
loans or campaign finance abuses. We have to decide soon on an acceptable
euphemism to describe the alleged presidential abnormality without
conjuring up images that could damage the tender psyches of the pure and
As I rummaged for comfort news to help us through the stock crisis, I also
discovered that Tupperware has been redesigned and is still alive and
burping. Last year, 14 million Tupperware parties produced $1.4 billion in
sales. The relief that I felt upon learning this makes me think I had been
subconsciously concerned about the once homely but now handsome and always
handy containers, and my guess is you were, too.
I also found out that men lose brain cells faster than women, which is
comforting because I realize I am getting ever dumber than my wife and it
is nice to know it's a natural thing.
I also learned that climate scientists believe you will stay drier if you
run, rather than walk, through the rain.
Oh, and one more thing on the apocalypse business.
The more secular-minded will be pleased to hear that it is not due for
about 10,000 trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion,
trillion, trillion years. At this time, according to astrophysicists Fred
Adams and Greg Laughlin of the University of Michigan, who used the latest
computer models to make this determination, nothing will be left in the
universe except scattered subatomic particles.
Actually, the stars will burn out and the heavens will go dark long before
that‹in about 100 trillion years‹ but this still gives humankind the time
to find some alternative living arrangements. OK? So, the heck with Wall
Invest, as the analysts say, for the long term.
©1997 NEWSPAPER ENTERPRISE ASSN.
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