Newsgroups: alt.binaries.slack,alt.slack

Subject: The Church makes the Pink Print Media

From: poindxtr@access.mountain.net (Rev. Poindexter)

Date: Mon, 10 Nov 1997 17:55:10 -0500

 

The EIC at the paper I work at dropped by my desk today and handed me a

press clipping from the Newspaper Enterprise Association, saying I might

find a reference or two "interesting"...

---------------------------------

VIEWPOINT

Comfort news in a time of crisis

By Joseph Spear

 

Not being a financial reporter, the best I can offer in this frightening

period of undulating stock markets is meat loaf and mashed potatoes,

metaphorically speaking, of course.

 

Searching for comfort news in a time of crisis is one of the multifarious

tasks a columnist must perform, and I take the duty very seriously. When

the market went south, I immediately began investigating the apocalypse, to

see if it is imminent.

 

The main thing I discovered, which should come as very soothing news, is

that it's not happening yet. Pinning it down, moreover, is a dicey

business. The Jehovah's Witnesses first predicted the Cataclysm would occur

in 1874. When that year came and went pretty much in normal fashion, the

date was revised to 1914. Then it was changed to 1925. Then to 1975‹after

which the church suspended all predictions.

 

Just last month, according to Harvard professor Stephen Jay Gould, we

survived the date prophesied for the end of the world by Anglican

Archbishop James Ussher in 1650. The next scheduled day of ruination that I

can find, this one divined by a Dallas-based congregation/mail-order

ministry/movement/parody called the Church of the SubGenius, is July 5,

1998.

 

While researching whether the end is near, I tripped across many

miscellaneous items that should lift your spirits.

 

It might gladden you to know, for example, that the unsleeping guardians of

all that is righteous remain on top of the sex crisis. For example, Brigham

Young University, which is owned by the Mormon Church, recently yanked four

sculptures from an Auguste Rodin exhibit. Rodin was, of course, from

France, which we all know is where sex got its start and where that tart

Brigitte Bardot lives. One of the pieces pulled was "The Kiss," in which

two naked and licentious pieces of stone embrace.

 

While this is comforting news indeed, I would be remiss if I failed to

alert you to the fact that a major sex crisis is just around the corner.

The sexual harassment case brought by Paula Jones against President Clinton

is approaching trial. Ms. Jones intends to prove her case by identifying a

Clinton quirk.

 

Clinton is crooked, Paula says, and she is not referring to Whitewater

loans or campaign finance abuses. We have to decide soon on an acceptable

euphemism to describe the alleged presidential abnormality without

conjuring up images that could damage the tender psyches of the pure and

virtuous.

 

As I rummaged for comfort news to help us through the stock crisis, I also

discovered that Tupperware has been redesigned and is still alive and

burping. Last year, 14 million Tupperware parties produced $1.4 billion in

sales. The relief that I felt upon learning this makes me think I had been

subconsciously concerned about the once homely but now handsome and always

handy containers, and my guess is you were, too.

 

I also found out that men lose brain cells faster than women, which is

comforting because I realize I am getting ever dumber than my wife and it

is nice to know it's a natural thing.

 

I also learned that climate scientists believe you will stay drier if you

run, rather than walk, through the rain.

 

Oh, and one more thing on the apocalypse business.

 

The more secular-minded will be pleased to hear that it is not due for

about 10,000 trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion, trillion,

trillion, trillion years. At this time, according to astrophysicists Fred

Adams and Greg Laughlin of the University of Michigan, who used the latest

computer models to make this determination, nothing will be left in the

universe except scattered subatomic particles.

 

Actually, the stars will burn out and the heavens will go dark long before

that‹in about 100 trillion years‹ but this still gives humankind the time

to find some alternative living arrangements. OK? So, the heck with Wall

Street.

 

Invest, as the analysts say, for the long term.

©1997 NEWSPAPER ENTERPRISE ASSN.

------------------------------

RP

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