From !!!email@example.com Thu Jul 09 03:41:30 1998
Subject: A New World
From: !!!firstname.lastname@example.org (TarlaStar)
Date: Thu, 09 Jul 1998 10:41:30 GMT
7/5/98 8:08 a.m.
I woke up this morning at 6:59. No lie. I looked over at the clock and
realized that if X-day were a fact, I'd be gone in one minute. So I
got up to pee. I didn't want to be Ruptured with a full bladder. It
would be messy enough without that little addition.
7am came and went, so I pulled on some clothes and went outside for a
little bike ride. There were masses of clouds in the eastern sky and
stretching rays of sunshine shot through them. I rode the bike up the
little hill that leads out of my neighborhood. In my mind I played the
they're-just-late-and-those-are-the-clouds-of-destruction game. Then I
asked myself, 'what would you miss?" And isn't that the point of it
What would you miss and how would you change your world if you had
control? I don't know about anyone else. Sometimes I think we're all
so alike that we must appear as ants to outsiders (if there are
outsiders), other times, I think that I'm the only one who does what I
do inside my head. I've been saying goodbye for a few days now, months
actually, but more intensely in the last few days. We sent our
application off to NZ this week. If we are accepted for immigration,
this will be the last fourth of July I will have celebrated.
I will miss many things, almost all of them natural. Some things I
will miss surround my home. I am very lucky to have the circumstances
that I live in right now. I doubt I will have such space and privacy
again. So I've been saying goodbye. Goodbye to my favorite
restaurants, goodbye to the redbuds and the turtles migrating across
the roadways, goodbye to the big sky and the dusty beauty of a Plains
sunset. I have been letting go and emptying my rut. It's a win-win
situation as I see it. If we get accepted, I have consciously
acknowleged the things I love here. If we don't, I have made myself
conscious of the things I love. I have become aware again of my own
And we have to keep doing that to ourselves if we really want to live
our lives. We have to become aware, over and over again, of our
existence, of the things we love and get pleasure from. We must be
Ruptured from time to time. We have to pull the wool over our own
eyes, believe that we will leave, die, or otherwise lose everything we
are familiar with in order to renew our love affair with life again.
I will miss the butterfly migration.
Then we have the chance to leave...to go to a perfect place, to find
our dreams. Maybe we discover that we already live in heaven. Maybe we
come to realize that heaven is in your mind, in the way you look at
your world. Or maybe you decide that it's time to make that change
you've only been dreaming of. Maybe it's time to make your own heaven.
I told Sr. Testickler yesterday, "I am chasing my dream and I've
almost caught it. I could be living in the most beautiful place on the
planet, with the person I adore most in the world, doing work that
gives me great joy and satisfaction. What more could anyone want from
their life?" I mean it. I am one lucky animal. I live comfortably,
have a reasonable amount of mental stimulation, and work that I enjoy
which also gives others pleasure. I am healthy, have a mate I love,
and bear few obligations, none of which are onerous to me. This is
exactly what I would demand of heaven; that it stimulate me without
causing me great grief, that I be satisfied, yet still be able to find
goals to strive toward.
This morning I rode my bike along the roads, looking at the cows,
listening to the morning birds calling each other. I watched the
clouds spread out, thin and dissipate. There was no Rupture, yet I was
Ruptured. I saw the beauty of my world once more this morning. I
smelled the dewy grass and cowshit, and the pavement. I heard the
birds, the wheels of my bike rolling against the road, my own breath,
and I was happy to be alive, to be aware, to be exactly what I am.