From pnarco@REMOVE2REPLYslip.net Tue Jul 07 18:38:29 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: !!!! IMPORTANT!!!! REPORT FROM EARTH!!!!!

From: pnarco@REMOVE2REPLYslip.net (Phineas Narco)

Date: Wed, 08 Jul 1998 01:38:29 GMT

 

SLUDGE REPORT

By Matt Sludge

Tue Jul 07 1998 01:30:26 UTC

 

BIZARRE CULTISTS STAGE MASS DISAPPEARANCE

 

**World Exclusive**

 

Sherman, NY- In what has been termed the most bizarre

religious event since the People's Temple mass suicide, hundreds of

cultists are said to have vanished Sunday from the Brushwood Folklore

Center campgrounds in rural New York State.

 

Members of "The Church of the Subgenius" had reportedly

been preparing for an event called "X-Day" for almost 20 years.

 

The group of Subgenius cultists who called themselves

"Subgeniuses" allegedly worshipped a strange pipe-smoking smiling man

named J.R. Dobbs also known as "Bob". Pictures of "Bob" littered the

campsite but "Bob" could not be reached for comment, officials said.

 

According to the information now available, "X-Day" involved

church members being liberated or "ruptured" from the earth by aliens

who were then scheduled to destroy the planet and eradicate all

non-church members or "normals".

 

Officials, however remain skeptical and are still not sure if

the disappearance is some kind of elaborate joke or hoax to publicize

the church. Since the mass disappearance, the Subgenius website has

been receiving visitors at a rate even higher than the Heaven's Gate

website at the height of that mass suicide coverage.

Family members of those missing are now being contacted by

officials using registry information kept at The Brushwood Folklore

Center to locate their whereabouts. Many members of those families

have been found to be missing as well.

 

Don Wilson, 63 was an attendee at a Starwood pagan event

happening simultaneously on the campgrounds:

 

"At exactly 7am I was in the hot tub and heard them counting

down over in the pavilion. They were making a lot of noise. A whole

big crowd of 'em. Then there was silence. And I went over there and

there weren't no one there. Gave me the creeps. I think the Goddess

took'em.".

 

Other pagans reported seeing UFO's and a giant 'X' in the

skies above Brushwood approximately 20 minutes before the

disappearance occured.

 

Another pagan festival-goer was drummer Jason Stoddard, 27,who

claims:

 

"Some of our group disappeared too, man. We can't find 'em.

All the women with the nicest tits are gone. Gone! Even that hot chick

who was walking around with nothing but a leather jacket on. And I

don't know why SHE'D want to go with those GEEKS!".

 

Only one church member who called himself "Jannor Hypercleets"

could be located anywhere at the time of this report. "Jannor",who is

now being questioned by authorities, claims that he was not "taken up"

because he was the only Subgenius asleep at the time of the"rupture".

 

"I don't understand it," said "Jannor," a disheveled 39 year

old resident of Little Rock Arkansas, who seemed disoriented and

confused in the wake of whatever happened:

 

"I just figured it was just going to be some dumb joke of

Stang's and I didn't want to mess up my sleeping schedule, so I just

crashed around 5am. How was I to know it was real? They never told

me."

 

The "head" of the Church, "Ivan Stang", who officials have now

learned is really Dallas based "minister" Doug Smith, was also present

at the event. Dallas police are now pouring through Smith's home,

looking for clues

 

At the site, evidence of drug paraphernalia has been found

along with pornography but none of it has so far led to any solid

leads. An inordinate amount of crusted semen was found on the inside

of one tent reportedly having belonged to someone named "Stern O.

Docks" and his wife during the event.

 

"God only knows what they were doing in there," an official

said.

 

DNA analysis is now being carried out on the semen with

results pending.

 

"Jannor Hypercleets", arrayed in a multi-colored coat and

oversized sunglasses yesterday addressed reporters in a press

conference:

 

"I mean, I helped build this church. I've been in this since

the beginning and they just leave me behind? I mean, I'm sick of it. I

didn't even get a Stark Fist. I keep getting shut out of these things

and being ripped off, how come I don't get to go?"

 

"This is bullshit," added "Hypercleets".

Hypercleets continued his tirade before press reporters,

yelling for help, claiming that his legs were on fire, and stating he

was the head of a church allegedly called "The First Church of

CuteYoung Girls Who Are Slaves to Jannor Hypercleets' Cock".

 

"Yeah, that sort of petered out" said "Jannor". "I'm going to

start 'The First Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Sex Slaves to

Jannor Hypercleets' Left Testicle' and their sister church, 'The First

Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Sex Slaves to Jannor Hypercleets'

Right Testicle' and they are both under the auspice of the parent

church, 'The First Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Sex Slaves to

That Sort of Fleshy Ridge That's Between Jannor Hypercleet's

Testicles, Does Anyone Know What That Thing's Called?'"

 

A team of psychiatrists are currently examining the disheveled

and confused Arkansas resident.

 

"All we can tell you is that he is very disheveled, and very

very confused," an official said.

 

"Doug's an asshole," claimed Hypercleets

 

Meanwhile, the Brushwood Disappearance remains a mystery. FBI

sources state that reports are now being made that many other

individuals, who may have allegedly had ties to the church are

missing.

 

While exact numbers are hard to come by, the total number of

Church members is said to be "in the thousands".

 

When asked where he thinks the other Church members

went,"Jannor", the only remaining member said,

 

"Well, it's weird, the other night I overheard Doug telling

Legume something about how the Xists were going to transport everyone

to the saucers 'in the twinkling of "Bob"'s eye' was how he put it.

They would be put into a giant holodeck that exactly replicated earth

in 1998. They would think that it had all been some elaborate joke and

that they had never been taken up but actually they were just in this

giant virtual reality system on board the X-ist saucers. The holodeck

would gradually change into a Planet X paradise over a certain amount

on their way to the actual planet. He called it the 'divine

acclimation' or something. I just thought he was stoned on 'frop, but

I guess he was telling the truth".

 

In what may be a related story, officials have reported the

outbreak of a mysterious fatal disease in the same region as the

disappearance.

 

Symptoms of the disease include a slow combustion of the

victim's flesh similar to flesh-eating bacteria which proves

excruciatingly painful and fatal with 12 hours.

 

219 people have died thus far from the outbreak in the New

York area since Sunday. All of them have been young urban

professionals.

 

In a strange twist, the only common factor among those dead

seems to be that they each owned at least one Lexus. The phone lines

of the Dept. of Motor Vehicles in New York State have been clogged

with frantic callers seeking to give up their Lexus vehicle ownership.

 

The Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta, GA have already

utilized emergency quarantine procedures for the town of Sherman and

the outlying areas in an effort to contain the plague which is

reportedly 'spreading like wildfire'.

 

"We are dealing with hundreds of cases since Sunday," said

Peter Piot, spokesman for the CDC. "We haven't even been able to name

the virus, if that's what it is, much less isolate it. We are simply

calling it "Factor X" at this time."

 

Officials could not be reached for comment.

 

-=-Phineas Narco

Online catalog of Negativland/Subgenius and underground tapes:

http://www.carhart.com/~phineas/

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