From email@example.com Mon Jul 13 12:05:47 1998
Subject: My Victorious Return
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Popess Lilith von Fraumench)
Date: 13 Jul 1998 19:05:47 GMT
After withstanding the travails and tribulations of travel, after laying limp
in a sweat-soaked bed with a 101-degree fever for the bulk of a week, after
personally answering hundreds of e-mails and phone messages, after getting
caught up with local affairs with my friends and clenchmates....
AFTER X-DAY... I REMAIN... WITH MY SLACK INTACT.
I didn't even have to open alt.slack to know that there would be many
complaints waiting to be aired out like last year's laundry. Then I heard the
comments from my fellow ministers and slack-buddies about how bad things had,
in fact, degenerated in the days after The End Of The World. I realized that
many hundreds, if not thousands, had perhaps not NOTICED that the very Luck
Plane feels different, this time around. It springs under the feet like a
trampoline, feels cool and soft like fresh grass, and smokes better than the
best frappie I've ever had. And yet, some think NOTHING HAPPENED.
I can only have so much sympathy for these sort. There were ample warnings
given. Only those of us ready to take responsibility for our own Slack--and
then to TAKE IT--seemed able to heed those warnings, however. To the rest, I
must state: If you didn't see "it" coming, you didn't deserve the $30 you sent
And for those who DID see "it" coming, and DIDN'T send in their $30, you don't
even deserve the eyeballs with which you're reading this text, for you're so
blind to the POSSIBILITIES inherent in this Church that your eyes are wasted
It was those possibilities which got me involved in the Church of the SubGenius
in the first place. It was those possibilities which gave me the strength to
carry on, when I was so disgusted with "Bob" and with my fellow SubGenii that I
was on the verge of quitting. And it's these very possibilities which I intent
to use to the max now that July 5 is behind us.
You know, the Xists can show up TODAY. Or next year. Or 6663 years from now.
Maybe they'll never appear. That's irrevelant for now. What truly matters at
this moment is whether you're doing exactly what you want to be doing. Because
if you aren't in control of your slack, you will NEVER be ready for X-Day.
As for myself and my fellow Apocaleptics, we have made a solemn vow which we
shall fulfil with every aching muscle, every bruised fingertip, every stretched
orifice, every sharpened fang:
"Whatever you do after X-Day, DO IT WITH STYLE."
And so we shall.
For starts, we have a congregation of 10,000 dues-paying SubGenii, with more
signing up all the time, even after the little disappointment of the Xist
no-show. I say "little" disappointment, because I'm looking at this situation
from the big picture: With 10,000 members, we have achieved Critical Mass. The
time is ripe to expand our Church, to conquer the world with Slack, to become
filthy rich without working! We are ready to bring down the empires of False
Slack maintained by the Conspiracy and its unwitting toadies.
Now we must act. Now we must make Dobbs' covenant OURS. We must clench on the
Pipestem, no matter the risk to our dental work.
I do hope that enough of you, my sweet bretheren and sistren of the Church,
have the slack and the creativity to join us in the revitalization of the
faith. But if you're still too bitter about not getting a chance to kill your
enemies from the bridge of a Pleasure Saucer, might I remind you of the old
Church saying, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke", and thus conclude by
Popess Lilith von Fraumench
July 13, 1998
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