From email@example.com Tue Dec 22 21:39:03 1998
Subject: Rant, HoS 661: Xmas Depression Special
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 23:39:03 -0600
Hour of Slack 661 -- CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION SPECIAL
POPESS CECELIA, TRIXTER SHAMAN, ZAFOD & REV. 3.0 : "TIDINGS OF TREMBLING
(This and other Xmas stuff is lifted from our revised Traditional Xmas Hour
of Slack (HoS #610))
THE JETHROS: "THE DARK SIDE OF THE XMAS TREE" CD of twisted Xmas
instrumentals is used in the background throughout Stang rants:
Stang explains how he got depressed and then wrote this rant but then was
too depressed to deliver it...
Clips re "I didn't do it" from ESO Vol. 9 collage
Stand does NOT RESPONSIBLE, NOT INSANE rant anyway as follows:
"I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.
Not for YOUR problem, buddy. Your problem that causes you to tell me what
all my problems are.
I'm not responsible. And if you try to make me feel like I am, then you can
take it and shove it up where "Bob" Dobbs and his family DON'T CARE TO
LOOK. Because I didn't do it, I didn't have anything to DO with it, and I
am not gonna feel guilty about it just because YOU decided somebody had to
be blamed for something. No sirmaam. I'm on vacation. You know what I do on
vacation? I WORK. Because I'm tired of TRYING to work. I'm gonna JUST WORK.
I'm gonna JUST SAY NO to play. I don't care WHO wants to play, if they've
been my friend for 150 years, I DON'T CARE -- I'M GOING TO WORK. Cause
that's my Slack. And I have just about had a nervous breakdown over feeling
GUILTY because I didn't PLAY with EVERYBODY ELSE ENOUGH.
Ever feel like you were the BAD GUY because you wanted to WORK? Well,
ironically enough that's because YOU are a SUBGENIUS and the rest are
DUPES. It's the CONSPIRACY that said that the "work" was supposed to be
UNPLEASANT and BAD but NECESSARY because of the MONEY, and it's the
CONSPIRACY that said, oh, you aren't having FUN or PLAYING if you're
WORKING at what you were BORN TO DO, nah, you're only having FUN if you're
DRINKING and SMOKING DOPE or else at the very least, SPENDING MONEY and
eating where other people serve you, and LAUGHING REAL LOUD about all those
OTHER DUMB PEOPLE. You are only "having fun" when you're WASTING TIME.
Well, FUCK THAT SHIT.
Not only that, but I am gonna do EXACTLY WHAT WORK I THINK NEEDS TO BE
DONE. How about THEM apples, huh? I'm not gonna do the work that YOU think
will be good and sell and make the world better in some small way, or what
AUNT EM thinks will, or even what "BOB" says I should do. NO. I'm gonna do
exactly what *I* think is gonna be good and sell and make the world better
in some small way.
I have suffered WAY too many fools, WAY too "gladly" for WAY too long, and
as a result of being such a nice sweet guy, I ended up with a whole
shitload of critics whining that I didn't do ENOUGH for them, and with
myself balled up in a corner of the garage this morning all by myself
screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I HATE YOU!! FUCK YOU! LET ME FREE!!" at the
very top of my lungs, with only the very puzzled new dog to hear me.
I HAPPENED to have an appointment with a SHRINK in the afternoon, because
several people who are DEFINITELY crazy think *I* am crazy... takes one to
know one, I guess... and I told the shrink about how I was starting to feel
like I was in an airless box with all 6 sides somehow closing in at once,
and she said, "Well, maybe you're gonna have to just say no to some of
WELL GUESS WHAT! I'M GONNA DO WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID! AND I SUGGEST YOU DO TOO!
You really DO know what's best for you, and all those hundreds of nagging
wheenies and widgiots don't know JACK SHIT, in fact most of 'em don't even
know what THEY want, that's why they're telling you what-all YOU want. And
that's MOST PEOPLE, I'm afraid. MOST PEOPLE have not the SLIGHTEST IDEA
what they want to do next, and are probably better off letting the boss and
the spouse and the church and the society RUN THEIR LIVES for them. But
some of us not only have such a LONG LIST of things we WANT VERY MUCH to do
that we know we cannot possibly ever do them, and ALSO REALLY ARE SMART
ENOUGH TO MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS. In fact, I'm smart enough to decide
whether or not I'm gonna get DRUNK. I COULD get drunk RIGHT NOW... and I
JUST MIGHT. I could also decide NOT to.
BUT FUCK ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO TELL ME!
That ESPECIALLY ioncludes the Miller Beer Company and the Reynolds Tobacco
and all those Republican drug cartels with their god damn so called WAR ON
If I want to O.D. on heroin I WILL. If I want to become a cop and beat up
junkies, I WILL. If I want to fuck some willing babe inthe closet, THEN
PERHAPS I GOD DAMN WILL. If I get caught then I'll take my lumps. No I
won't. I shouldn't have to take ANY lumps. The only people who are gonna
care whether some willing babe and I go fuck in the closet, are the ones
Because as CRAZY AS I MIGHT BE, and as DUMB as I might be -- and I often
feel like the dumbest, most naive, redneck, unsophisticated,
just-got-in-town clumsy SubGenius -- the most horrible, horrible aspect of
the whole thing is, as fucked up as I am, I really am still saner and
smarter than ANY of the HUMANS.
AND YOU MAY BE, TOO!
Now, THAT is a REALLY CHILLING THOUGHT. But not only must we stop trying to
ignore that thought, WE HAVE TO START ACTING ON IT.
Or, at least, I do, or I really will go off my rocker.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Enough trying to be some ARMCHAIR AMATEUR'S idea of "GOOD."
I went to the MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS and THEY THEMSELVES AGREED:
I AM NOT INSANE, I am RIGHT to be pissed off, and thousands of shitheads
really ARE out to get me!
So once again, I say, with as much feeling as I ever have in my life:
"FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!"
So I'm sure you'll understand if I don't happen to respond to your email,
or do that THING with you that you wanted to do, or whatever. Don't take it
personally. I did, and it doesn't pay.
BUILD YOUR OWN SHIP!"
(Cussing is modified for airplay)
GLASSMADNESS: "WE'RE INSIDE THE BRAIN OF DOUG SMITH" narration
EINSTEIN'S SECRET ORCHESTRA: "SEX" song
ESO radio: "Red Dwarves and Snorting Neutron Star Matter" w/ Lonesome
Cowboy Dave, Stang, Chas, Wei (from ESO Vol. 9, end side 1)
THE JETHROS: "Merry Fucking Xmas", "12 Daze of Xmas"
HoS Xmas tape: Sivet and Ydnax "Santa Claws" Freddy Kreuger poem by children
THE SWINGIN' ERUDITES: "SANTA'S BIG RED SACK" (Brother Cleve Dunkan and
THE VENTURES(?): Xmas medley
THE JETHROS: "FROSTY THE SNOWPLOW"
JOE SATRIANI -- "I BELIEVE"
JIMI HENDRIX: "LITTLE DRUMMER BOY/SILENT NIGHT/AULD LANG SYNE"
FRANK MARINO: "IN MY WAYS"
THE RAINMAKERS: "BATTLE OF THE ROSES"
Stang as Sling Blade guy does credits
THE JETHROS: "The First NoHell"
Xmas SubGenius Bob Toy ad collage
"R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (Jesus's fave Xmas song)
JETHROS: "We Wish You a Merry Xmas"
Jimi Hendrix "MANIC DEPRESSION"
Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack