From @ Mon Jun 29 10:02:00 1998

Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy.retards,alt.slack

Subject: Re: alt.damperonthings

From: W'h'eezer

Date: 29 Jun 1998 10:02:00 -0700


In article

<>, says...


A Scathing Review of Rev. X by a real, live INTERNET book reviewer! available







Great work finding this review of Revelation X, exposing this Church of the

Subgenius for what it really is. I was inspired, so I looked up a few other

works and found this review, which I think you'll find interesting.




(Commissioned by Gutenberg Press. The continued, albeit threadbare, persistence

of the Judeo-Christian Church I attribute to two factors. The first is the

perennial renewal of the population of white male morons uncomfortable with

their own homophobia. The second is that God/"Jehovah" is no longer creative

enough to come up with anything else, so it's either keep milking Christians or get a day job.)



The Holy Bible: The "God" Apochryphon: Hidden Teachings and Deuterocanonical

Texts of JHVH.


Translated by The King James Foundation, Inc. Great Britain: Gutenberg Press,



According to the last sentence of The Old Testament (hereafter: BS): "And he

shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the

children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse."


They got it half right, anyway.


The Church Jesus Christ just keeps going and going and going . . . nowhere. If you loved BS, you'll like The New Testament (hereafter, more BS), so you might as well reread BS. If you liked BS, More BS is a prescription for less of more of the same. And more abundantly, too.


The cost of Church membership, as of funeral arrangements, has risen as fast as the rate of economic growth, staying steady at a flat ten percent of everything.

Back then you had the feeling that Jesus was on to something. Now you have the feeling that Jesus is up to something. Back then you had the feeling that Jesus had potential. Now you have the feeling that Jesus had potential.


More BS is the second coffee-table book by Jehovah, aka "God," all published by the notorious underground publisher the Gutenberg Corp. For two thousand years now, time and time again, Jesus has hoodwinked this multi-national subsidiary of the Conspiracy, not only to go out on a limb, but to try very hard to saw it off. For some strange reason, luckily for the both of them, it never falls. Jesus is like the guy who, as Robert Dobbs put it, couldn't get himself killed.

Jesus: the Celibate revolutionary.


More BS is full of -- besides that which, to be full of, is that -- what the Christian church thinks of the Conspiracy. But what does the Conspiracy think of the Christian Church? If the Baptist denomination isn't part of the Conspiracy -- any Conspiracy worth an upper-case "C" -- then there was no arms-for-hostages deal and furthermore, Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone ranger, acting alone, kissed Kennedy, all by himself, just as George Thorogood sucks, preferably, himself (He just does).


According to the press release ("Contact: St. Luke, 888-AHA-HAHA!") -- or kill me AGAIN -- "The Bible inadvertently broadens the satire of cults, religious extremism, and conspiracy theories promulgated by the now notorious Christian Coalition." You mean . . . it was all just a joke? A satire on villains it is so safe to despise that even the ACLU rounds on them? And Christianity is just an adult fantasy role-playing game like Magic or Dungeons & Dragons, only not as interactive?


How curious that the illustrator/author of the Holy Lowdown cartoon booklets of the mid-1970's, Jack Chick, signed on early with Jesus (and at the same time distanced his other project, "God Damn, I Hate Niggers and Catholics and Jews and the Chineemen and did I ention the Catholics? Comics", of which he never speaks any more). Chick, who used to ridicule mystical cults, now hosts them in his slick rag Angel of Light. I gnow a scam when I pspell one. Chick, who has never repudiated the violent, crypto-fascist Processed World cult he STILL contributes to, is the illustrator of "The Mad Machine" and "That Crazy Guy!"


A working knowledge of conspiracy theory and radical ideology gives the upwardly mobile hipster an important leg up in the business world. Jesus has a thorough grounding in the former but only a hit-and-miss, increasingly dated acquaintance with the latter, as the radical "Jesus Freaks" he used to string along recoil from his ever more blatant, careerist shuckin' 'n' jivin'. In this he is (as so often -- and so happily! -- happens) the victim of his own success. To the the extent he's reduced soi-disant fascists (Falwell, Reagan, Jerry Brown, etc.) to mere cartoon characters he has, in the argot of the intelligence community, "burned" them -- blown their cover -- nullifed their utility as informants.

These performers have more customers and fans than they ever did, to be sure, but nobody is telling them anything, so Jesus can't "run" these agents anymore.


The guy who is doing the running -- on a hamster-wheel -- and running down, is the poor little rich kid Jehovah himself. ("Never trust a guy who has the same last name for a first name, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs once warned ME.") He told his customers that all it took to be creative was to send him ten percent in perpetuity, and they took him at his word (but usually didn't send the ten percent, a complaint reiterated well past the point of tedium by latter day "ministers"). The scores of credits to collaborators at the beginning of the Bible are meant to disguise the loneliness of the long-distance "runner," Christ. (Several are also fraudulent: Hermes Trismegistos, Son of Man and Blaster Al Sharad regard Christians with contempt.) He complains in the Bible that for too many -- for most -- christians, the Church is just a jackoff.

They aren't even that self-starting. They expect him to jerk them off, so he does, but his hand is getting tired. (Is my metaphor sexist? Not nearly as much as the Church itself. Female Christians are as put upon as Black Christians by the "Man" .) Christ made his bed and now he has to sleep in it -- alone. No wonder his followers sound so cranky, so peevish, so defensive. This Antabuse dry-drunk needs a drink, among other things, in the worst way.


After 2000 years, "Christ" can churn the stuff out according to the formula, in any quantity. But as a carpenter, a fisherman and a businessman -- what's with this shit in More BS about extirpating normality? -- what he's churning out is infant formula for retrograde young adults looking for an easy escape from their all too accurate awareness that, for all the resentments or theatrics of their so-fleeting youth, they're just like their parents. Jesus Christ has the customers he deserves, and who could wish a worse -- or more fitting -- retribution upon him than that?




" "Bob" is not the answer.

Neither is anything else. "


Rev. Dr. W'h'eezer G. Wilco

Heretic Order of the Golden Goddammit

First Church of Little Chocolate City