From Tue Aug 11 06:48:01 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack


From: (Jahweh Lynch)

Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 13:48:01 GMT


Thus spake Aurora:


>It has come to my attention that the only way to get people to read

>these posts is to have an interesting headline. So I tried to catch

>your attention. Did it work? Well, I'd like to rant about this

>lack of sex thing that has been going on in my life lately. I mean

>sure, I could go to a bar and get laid, it would be easy enough...

>but I have standards... I'm looking for a true Yetti! A Dobbs

>clone... The head dude himself, you know... He doesn't seem to hang

>out at any bars around here. So I sit at home typing to this silly

>machine somehow expecting this UberMan to pop out of the screen or

>something. Sigh. Maybe I should just take Kevbob's advice and get

>a new TV.


That's supposed to be a rant? Where's the RANDOM CAPITALIZATION? Look at

that fresh young fellow LOCNAR, and his last post... oh, sure, all he does

is WHINE about how much he HATES such and such a rock band, but he uses

LOTS AND LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS, so it makes him look COOLER than if he

just typed in everyday ordinary lowercase letters. You talk about kevbob,

and the fountain of youth- well, kevbob is a special case. First off,

everybody has already had their kicks making fun of kevbob, and second off

the stuff kevbob posts is interesting, sometimes, even if he does have a

tendency towards all that artsy-fartsy stuff. Also, he's cute, or so they

kept saying up at X-day, and I'll take their word for it. So he gets to

rant without using capital letters at all, but you, you, sir, cannot afford

that luxury. If you're going to post BOO-HOO I CAN'T GET LAID you'll have

to do FAR better than give it some kind of lame FAKE WANNABE SPAM subject

header like "Free Sex anyone?" and anyway you're not going to be able to

sell that to the SubGenii anyway because they at least know there's NO SUCH

THING as sex on the Internet. If you want to market your rant you ought to

at least give it some kind of mock-Discordian subject header like "ICEPICK

DENTISTRY" and then maybe rant for a while about what the HELL they've been

doing to pop-tarts, oh, yes, first off it was all plain and simple, crusty

dry bread-type stuff filled with combustible sugary flavored filling, but

they keep getting more and more CREATIVE with these things. Then it was

the kinds with jam filling and frosting you would squeeze onto it, then it

was BACON AND EGGS, and now it's advanced to PIZZA- they're putting fucking

PIZZA FILLING in POP-TARTS! That, that, my friend, is sick and unnatural.

Just like icepick dentistry. Anyway, after you get past that part then,

THEN perhaps you can talk about your raging desires balanced against your

hatred of the human race, even though we've mostly all been there and

talked about it in terms far more eloquent than you are, because, hell, we

ALL HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE. We can't all blame the sinister machinations

of JHVH-1 and hairy little homunculi for our personal problems; we can't

all weave arcane and inscrutable conspiracies around ordinary everyday

events like why the toilet upstairs flushes at random. SOMETIMES it is

enough to get up there on the grassy knoll that is alt.slack and say

"'BOB'! 'BOB'! GIVE ME SEX! OR KILL ME!" and then collapse trying to

give yourself the Heimlich maneuver, rectally. But WHATEVER you say, you

ought to say it VEHEMENTLY- even if you are being FULLY AND UTTERLY STUPID,

you ought to say it as if it was the PRETERNATURAL DOGMA of the ANCIENTS,

as if every word you said was THE ONLY WORD THAT COULD SAVE THE WORLD.


Or else you could get a new TV. I hear Circuit City has a sale.



"Marry a rat or a dog late in life. Avoid monkeys."

- My Chinese Fortune

Jahweh "Dave" Lynch- Asexual Crispin Glover Wannabe At Large