From i.stang@subgenius.com Thu Oct 29 23:30:09 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.binaries.slack,alt.religion.subgenius

Subject: Susie The Floozie "interviews" Stang

From: i.stang@subgenius.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)

Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998 01:30:09 -0600

 

Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 21:10:02 -0600

To: (Reverend Susie the Floozie)

From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <i.stang@subgenius.com>

Subject: Re: YOUR turn in the barrel...

 

 

>Hey, you studly Sacred Scribe!

 

>O Silken Stang! I cravenly entreat you! I've been good to the Church in

the past--oh, I've been good. And I ain't asked fer nuthin' in return.

Until now...

 

>As much as I've avoided anything smacking of self-interest, I'm finally

breaking down and doing some stuff for the Lymph Node Institute's 'zine,

NODE WORTHY. Those boys are the goods, they ain't gonna ream my psyche out

the way ----- did, and I'm finally thinkin' about coming out of my shell

some. They wanted to interview me for the first issue, but I balked--I

couldn't make that big ego-jump right off the bat, and I AM slated for the

centerfold in a slutty nurse outfit anyway--so instead I turned over on you

like the big-titted little Quisling I am. "Uh, uh, gee, uh, I,

uh--howzabout I interview STANG instead?" I offered smoothly, and after

some argument over it, they bit.

 

>So we came up with a few questions for you to answer at your leisure. IF

you want to do it. But I know that you'd love to help me out because I'm

sitting here all forlorn and naked with my hand stuffed up my cooter to the

fifth knuckle, whining piteously. (You know, the #3, with extra mayo.)

Respond to the following questions with suitable drivel and I'll never

darken your mailbox again with stupid entreaties. I hope it's painless--the

publication date is up in the air, but the overall layout and design will

probably be kicking into overdrive in a couple weeks or so.

 

>Gee, how can I repay you for this kindness--do I HAVE any holes left to

offer you? Howzabout I make some NEW ones fer ya? Hand me the Makita and

that masonry bit...

 

>Oh, and let me know if you don't want to do it, so I can find that Monte

Kim Miller guy instead and hook up with those winners.

 

>Love,

>your drooling dupe

>Susie

 

>*******

>QUESTIONS FOR STANG

 

>1. Why?

 

You know, it's funny, but that's the one question that The Bleeding Head of

Arnold Palmer is always asking, too. Obviously, only "Bob" could answer

such a broad question properly, and even then, you'd get a completely

different answer each time. ("Because I had to pee," "Because it was

Tuesday," "Because I said so," "Just Because," etc.) It's always tempting

just to say, "Why NOT?", but that's what the Pinks or Bobbies would do. So,

in a sincere attempt to answer "WHY?" in my own specific particular

individual case, I'd have to say, "'Cuz of "Bob.""

 

But that's almost like no answer at all.

 

 

>2. Do you plan on being at Brushwood July 6, 8661? If so, in what form?

 

That's not a bad idea! Just for the irony of it. There's no reason I

COULDN'T be there, at that campground in NY, 6 thousand years from now.

After all, I'll almost certainly be Ruptured and bequeathed the powers of a

GOD by July 5, 1999, aka XX-Day or "Dos Equis". I'll then be immortal and

even if the Earth is destroyed, I can always recreate a Brushwood just for

old times' sake on my own Escape Vessel. IF I remember to.

 

This is, of course, assuming that the disputed "8661" vs. "1998" argument

is moot. Maybe X-Day WILL be in 8661 instead of 1999. I guess it's REMOTELY

CONCEIVABLE that I might DIE before ANY X-Day happens. What a bummer!

 

 

>3. What can the average Sub on the street do to increase its chances of

surviving until X Day?

 

Avoid human beings.

 

 

>4. What's it like to work so closely with Nickie's Ass?

 

Heavenly! The ass itself is always absolutely charming and friendly, a joy

to work with! I suppose it would be frustrating that I can't (or shouldn't,

rather) TOUCH Nickie's ass, or fondle the thing or whatnot, but I feel that

Nickie's ass is not MEANT to be touched by anyone except The Chosen, so I'm

not bent out of shape about it or anything. I mean, I can handle being

around it and not handling it. Nickie's TITS, now that's a little trickier

of an issue for me. Technically, I'm her BOSS, or one of her bosses, but

since she works for Dobbs in another office, I usually see Nickie in a

"play" situation rather than as an employer. But that STILL doesn't mean

that I get to monkey around with her tits. What am I even discussing this

for? She's young enough to be my daughter. But to get back to Nickie

Deathchick's tits. I have never actually seen them. She skinny-dipped

briefly at X-Day but I didn't have my glasses on so I only saw a couple of

large blobs that could have been anything. To tell the truth, I honestly

find Nickie's face much more distracting than either her butt or teats.

She's a very pretty girl, especially if you know nothing of the seething

hideousness inside, just beneath the surface. She is, after all, a

SubGenius.

 

 

>5. What would you say is the proportion between bad (i.e., stalker

stealing mail) and good (i.e., stalker mowing lawn) weirdness that the

Church has attracted?

 

EXCELLENT QUESTION! We definitely have a much higher proportion of "good"

or at least non-invasive mental cases than the kind that everybody expects

us to have. It's possible that we simply never SEE the bad ones. The really

nutty ones never try to approach us, call, or even write. Part of their

delusion is that we really ARE a huge corporate conglomerate that is nearly

as powerful as The Conspiracy Itself, so they don't think they can get past

the secretary. Strangely enough, I personally have not been heavily pranked

(that I know of). The real loonies seem to focus on "Bob" anyway, which is

as it should be. There are a couple of Canadians who both think they ARE

"Bob" or that everything in the books is based on them. I have met both of

them, and I doubt if anybody else is going to be quite as confused as they

are about whether they're the One True Dobbs or not, especially if the day

comes when they finally meet each other. (There's a wonderful psychology

book called THE THREE CHRISTS OF YPSILANTI which documents a similar

situation, only with multiple Jesii rather than Dobbses.)

 

I WISH we had more of those benevolent stalkers. In fact, I have been so

lonesome for a proper stalker that I have started stalking some potential

stalkers.

 

 

>6. Which of your penii is your favorite? (Counting only those permanently

physically attached to you).

 

HEY! You seem to be implying that I have had experience with ANY other penii!

 

My favorite is the little bitty one on the lower part of the outer ring. It

ain't much but at least it WORKS. I can't hardly even PEE with the big

ones, much less, well, you know. PRY things. What they say is true, size

and quantity aren't everything.

 

 

>7. In your opinion, how much of the "behavior" that you reportedly

witnessed recently in Denver is due to the thin air?

 

I didn't see anything in Denver that wouldn't be rendered TAME by

comparison to most tattoo conventions or even X-Day. Just a bunch of nice

kids into scarrification and mild pain. Whoop tee doo. That's how you rebel

against the Establishment nowadays. When I was a kid, all you had to do was

NOT get a haircut and you were cool. (And you'll notice that now that I'm

45 and not working for the Man, I have hair so long it would have looked

ridiculous even in San Francisco in 1968.) We were lucky in that respect.

If you suddenly had to get a job, you could just cut your hair. You didn't

have to wait a month for the scars to heal.

 

I don't think it's the thin air. It's peer group pressure from the weirdo

peer group. The thin air is GREAT. It's REAL REAL DRY. If anything, it

makes you think BETTER, because there's so much less snot taking up brain

space.

 

 

>8. How can we expect the Con to turn up the heat in the next six millennia?

 

You seem to be an 8661ist. I'm not. I don't think the Conspiracy will be

around for six millenia. I think the Sex Goddesses from Planet X will

Rupture us in 254 days as of this writing.

 

If they don't, the Conspiracy will probably be able to finish up its work

in the next hundred years... and after that, EVERY DAY will always be

EXACTLY THE SAME for EVERYBODY FOREVER, so there won't be any heat for them

to turn up.

 

It's not like the Conspiracy has to DO anything. Its dupes build the

prisons for themselves gladly, paying 20 percent interest the whole time

and never complaining. In fact, they brag about it and lynch those of us

who won't help with prison building. They don't have to turn up any heat.

The lack of resistance does their work for them. As Dr. Onan Canobite

pointed out years ago, Their TV sets don't have to watch you, as long as

YOU ARE WATCHING THEIR TVs. I'll say that again, because it's such an

important concept.

 

 

Their TV sets don't have to watch you, as long as YOU ARE WATCHING THEIR TVs.

 

>9. Who are the Brain Police?

 

The part of ourselves that believes what the Conspiracy says about us.

 

 

>10. Do you think your alleged recent vertigo could be attributed to the

fact that you are now either a new Stang in an old world, or the old Stang

in a new world? (Historically, the interdimensional bends have been known

to set in shortly after Armageddons.)

 

I WISH!!! But look Suze, I am not going to pathetically grasp at straws

like some forelorn Jehovah's Witness or God's Salvation Temple nut. "BOB"

FUCKED UP. That's all there is to it. As difficult as that is to imagine,

about "Bob." X-Day DIDN'T HAPPEN.

 

IT WILL NEXT YEAR.

 

Dr. Howll and many other SubGenius scholars DO believe that X-Day happened

in some idiotic, subtle way, and we're really on our Escape Vessels we just

can't see them, blah blah woof woof. I'm not so mystical minded. When I'm

promised a Sex Goddess, I expect something that looks like Kitten Natividad

crossed with Marilyn Monroe crossed with YOU crossed with a Styracosaurus.

NOT my hairy right palm! I'm a BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS literalist. Orthodox.

Fundamentalist SubGenius. X-Day is coming.

 

I did have some NASTY vertigo after the failed X-Day, but I'm pretty sure

that was due to my not having tithed enough to The SubGenius Foundation

that month. Lack of tithing is almost always at the root of illness.

 

--

Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian

MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the

Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.

PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB

http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack