From firstname.lastname@example.org Thu Oct 29 23:30:09 1998
Subject: Susie The Floozie "interviews" Stang
From: email@example.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Date: Fri, 30 Oct 1998 01:30:09 -0600
Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 21:10:02 -0600
To: (Reverend Susie the Floozie)
From: "Rev. Ivan Stang" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Re: YOUR turn in the barrel...
>Hey, you studly Sacred Scribe!
>O Silken Stang! I cravenly entreat you! I've been good to the Church in
the past--oh, I've been good. And I ain't asked fer nuthin' in return.
>As much as I've avoided anything smacking of self-interest, I'm finally
breaking down and doing some stuff for the Lymph Node Institute's 'zine,
NODE WORTHY. Those boys are the goods, they ain't gonna ream my psyche out
the way ----- did, and I'm finally thinkin' about coming out of my shell
some. They wanted to interview me for the first issue, but I balked--I
couldn't make that big ego-jump right off the bat, and I AM slated for the
centerfold in a slutty nurse outfit anyway--so instead I turned over on you
like the big-titted little Quisling I am. "Uh, uh, gee, uh, I,
uh--howzabout I interview STANG instead?" I offered smoothly, and after
some argument over it, they bit.
>So we came up with a few questions for you to answer at your leisure. IF
you want to do it. But I know that you'd love to help me out because I'm
sitting here all forlorn and naked with my hand stuffed up my cooter to the
fifth knuckle, whining piteously. (You know, the #3, with extra mayo.)
Respond to the following questions with suitable drivel and I'll never
darken your mailbox again with stupid entreaties. I hope it's painless--the
publication date is up in the air, but the overall layout and design will
probably be kicking into overdrive in a couple weeks or so.
>Gee, how can I repay you for this kindness--do I HAVE any holes left to
offer you? Howzabout I make some NEW ones fer ya? Hand me the Makita and
that masonry bit...
>Oh, and let me know if you don't want to do it, so I can find that Monte
Kim Miller guy instead and hook up with those winners.
>your drooling dupe
>QUESTIONS FOR STANG
You know, it's funny, but that's the one question that The Bleeding Head of
Arnold Palmer is always asking, too. Obviously, only "Bob" could answer
such a broad question properly, and even then, you'd get a completely
different answer each time. ("Because I had to pee," "Because it was
Tuesday," "Because I said so," "Just Because," etc.) It's always tempting
just to say, "Why NOT?", but that's what the Pinks or Bobbies would do. So,
in a sincere attempt to answer "WHY?" in my own specific particular
individual case, I'd have to say, "'Cuz of "Bob.""
But that's almost like no answer at all.
>2. Do you plan on being at Brushwood July 6, 8661? If so, in what form?
That's not a bad idea! Just for the irony of it. There's no reason I
COULDN'T be there, at that campground in NY, 6 thousand years from now.
After all, I'll almost certainly be Ruptured and bequeathed the powers of a
GOD by July 5, 1999, aka XX-Day or "Dos Equis". I'll then be immortal and
even if the Earth is destroyed, I can always recreate a Brushwood just for
old times' sake on my own Escape Vessel. IF I remember to.
This is, of course, assuming that the disputed "8661" vs. "1998" argument
is moot. Maybe X-Day WILL be in 8661 instead of 1999. I guess it's REMOTELY
CONCEIVABLE that I might DIE before ANY X-Day happens. What a bummer!
>3. What can the average Sub on the street do to increase its chances of
surviving until X Day?
Avoid human beings.
>4. What's it like to work so closely with Nickie's Ass?
Heavenly! The ass itself is always absolutely charming and friendly, a joy
to work with! I suppose it would be frustrating that I can't (or shouldn't,
rather) TOUCH Nickie's ass, or fondle the thing or whatnot, but I feel that
Nickie's ass is not MEANT to be touched by anyone except The Chosen, so I'm
not bent out of shape about it or anything. I mean, I can handle being
around it and not handling it. Nickie's TITS, now that's a little trickier
of an issue for me. Technically, I'm her BOSS, or one of her bosses, but
since she works for Dobbs in another office, I usually see Nickie in a
"play" situation rather than as an employer. But that STILL doesn't mean
that I get to monkey around with her tits. What am I even discussing this
for? She's young enough to be my daughter. But to get back to Nickie
Deathchick's tits. I have never actually seen them. She skinny-dipped
briefly at X-Day but I didn't have my glasses on so I only saw a couple of
large blobs that could have been anything. To tell the truth, I honestly
find Nickie's face much more distracting than either her butt or teats.
She's a very pretty girl, especially if you know nothing of the seething
hideousness inside, just beneath the surface. She is, after all, a
>5. What would you say is the proportion between bad (i.e., stalker
stealing mail) and good (i.e., stalker mowing lawn) weirdness that the
Church has attracted?
EXCELLENT QUESTION! We definitely have a much higher proportion of "good"
or at least non-invasive mental cases than the kind that everybody expects
us to have. It's possible that we simply never SEE the bad ones. The really
nutty ones never try to approach us, call, or even write. Part of their
delusion is that we really ARE a huge corporate conglomerate that is nearly
as powerful as The Conspiracy Itself, so they don't think they can get past
the secretary. Strangely enough, I personally have not been heavily pranked
(that I know of). The real loonies seem to focus on "Bob" anyway, which is
as it should be. There are a couple of Canadians who both think they ARE
"Bob" or that everything in the books is based on them. I have met both of
them, and I doubt if anybody else is going to be quite as confused as they
are about whether they're the One True Dobbs or not, especially if the day
comes when they finally meet each other. (There's a wonderful psychology
book called THE THREE CHRISTS OF YPSILANTI which documents a similar
situation, only with multiple Jesii rather than Dobbses.)
I WISH we had more of those benevolent stalkers. In fact, I have been so
lonesome for a proper stalker that I have started stalking some potential
>6. Which of your penii is your favorite? (Counting only those permanently
physically attached to you).
HEY! You seem to be implying that I have had experience with ANY other penii!
My favorite is the little bitty one on the lower part of the outer ring. It
ain't much but at least it WORKS. I can't hardly even PEE with the big
ones, much less, well, you know. PRY things. What they say is true, size
and quantity aren't everything.
>7. In your opinion, how much of the "behavior" that you reportedly
witnessed recently in Denver is due to the thin air?
I didn't see anything in Denver that wouldn't be rendered TAME by
comparison to most tattoo conventions or even X-Day. Just a bunch of nice
kids into scarrification and mild pain. Whoop tee doo. That's how you rebel
against the Establishment nowadays. When I was a kid, all you had to do was
NOT get a haircut and you were cool. (And you'll notice that now that I'm
45 and not working for the Man, I have hair so long it would have looked
ridiculous even in San Francisco in 1968.) We were lucky in that respect.
If you suddenly had to get a job, you could just cut your hair. You didn't
have to wait a month for the scars to heal.
I don't think it's the thin air. It's peer group pressure from the weirdo
peer group. The thin air is GREAT. It's REAL REAL DRY. If anything, it
makes you think BETTER, because there's so much less snot taking up brain
>8. How can we expect the Con to turn up the heat in the next six millennia?
You seem to be an 8661ist. I'm not. I don't think the Conspiracy will be
around for six millenia. I think the Sex Goddesses from Planet X will
Rupture us in 254 days as of this writing.
If they don't, the Conspiracy will probably be able to finish up its work
in the next hundred years... and after that, EVERY DAY will always be
EXACTLY THE SAME for EVERYBODY FOREVER, so there won't be any heat for them
to turn up.
It's not like the Conspiracy has to DO anything. Its dupes build the
prisons for themselves gladly, paying 20 percent interest the whole time
and never complaining. In fact, they brag about it and lynch those of us
who won't help with prison building. They don't have to turn up any heat.
The lack of resistance does their work for them. As Dr. Onan Canobite
pointed out years ago, Their TV sets don't have to watch you, as long as
YOU ARE WATCHING THEIR TVs. I'll say that again, because it's such an
Their TV sets don't have to watch you, as long as YOU ARE WATCHING THEIR TVs.
>9. Who are the Brain Police?
The part of ourselves that believes what the Conspiracy says about us.
>10. Do you think your alleged recent vertigo could be attributed to the
fact that you are now either a new Stang in an old world, or the old Stang
in a new world? (Historically, the interdimensional bends have been known
to set in shortly after Armageddons.)
I WISH!!! But look Suze, I am not going to pathetically grasp at straws
like some forelorn Jehovah's Witness or God's Salvation Temple nut. "BOB"
FUCKED UP. That's all there is to it. As difficult as that is to imagine,
about "Bob." X-Day DIDN'T HAPPEN.
IT WILL NEXT YEAR.
Dr. Howll and many other SubGenius scholars DO believe that X-Day happened
in some idiotic, subtle way, and we're really on our Escape Vessels we just
can't see them, blah blah woof woof. I'm not so mystical minded. When I'm
promised a Sex Goddess, I expect something that looks like Kitten Natividad
crossed with Marilyn Monroe crossed with YOU crossed with a Styracosaurus.
NOT my hairy right palm! I'm a BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS literalist. Orthodox.
Fundamentalist SubGenius. X-Day is coming.
I did have some NASTY vertigo after the failed X-Day, but I'm pretty sure
that was due to my not having tithed enough to The SubGenius Foundation
that month. Lack of tithing is almost always at the root of illness.
Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack