From revjack@radix.net Sat Aug 15 15:20:11 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: SUBGENIUS CALL TO ARMS!!!!!!!!

From: Sketchy Albedo <revjack@radix.net>

Date: 15 Aug 1998 22:20:11 GMT

 

AIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Minutes ago, for the first time since we moved into this nice house I saw

a GOD DAMNED FUCKING COCKROACH.

 

Son of a BITCH.

 

I am LIVID. I swore two houses ago that I would NEVER, EVER again live in

a place with roaches. NEVER. And I've succeeded so far.

 

UNTIL NOW.

 

*CHRIST* I hate the chitinous little fucks.

 

I have plans...oh yessss...plans... but:

 

BROTHER! SISTERS! I BESEECH YOU!

 

GIVE ME YOUR DEATH RECIPES.

 

These stinking little bastards have made a ghastly mistake. They have

attempted an invasion of the home of a SUBGENIUS. And they must PAY PAY

PAY PAY PAY with their evil, corrupt little LIVES.

 

TEACH ME TO KILL, MY YETI SIBLINGS

 

I WILL HEAR EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEIR SCREAMS AS THEY DIE DIE DIE DIE

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

 

So talk to me.

 

RJ

--

_________________

revjack@radix.net

"The exploding monitor thing isn't going to work with me because

I am a physicist and know better." -- <sullivan@chorkey.com>

 

 

 

From postmaster@warez.phantom.com Sun Aug 16 01:14:58 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: Re: SUBGENIUS CALL TO ARMS!!!!!!!!

From: postmaster@warez.phantom.com (Dr. Derek Robb, Kaiju no Hakase)

Date: 16 Aug 1998 08:14:58 GMT

 

(note: there actually *is* a good tip on gettin' rid of roaches at the

end of this)

 

Sketchy Albedo <revjack@radix.net> exploded:

 

|Minutes ago, for the first time since we moved into this nice house I saw

|a GOD DAMNED FUCKING COCKROACH.

|*CHRIST* I hate the chitinous little fucks.

|BROTHER! SISTERS! I BESEECH YOU!

|GIVE ME YOUR DEATH RECIPES.

 

I wouldn't do that if i were you. Roaches are humanity's (and, by

association, subgenity's... sorry, but all them bipedal primate-lookin'

things all look alike to them) ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL.

 

Contrary to popular belief, Earth does NOT belong to the humans. Nor does

it belong to the Subgeniuses. Both species have only been on this rock

for MERE NANOSECONDS compared to the time in residence spent by the TRUE

inheritor of earth: the Beetle. (And no, not the kind from Liverpool)

 

They've been here the longest, they've had to adapt the least. By all

OBJECTIVE standards, this rock belongs to THEM. They haven't had to adapt

to the presence of our civilization. THEY HAVEN'T EVEN NOTICED US YET.

That's why we're still alive. Because SHOULD their attention EVER be

drawn to this hairless monkey PEST PROBLEM of theirs (face it, we're

getting into their walls and breeding like crazy), well, in an insect vs

humanity fight, WE'D LOSE. Our weaponry means NOTHING to them. If we're

LUCKY, they'll kill us off immediately. Otherwise, well, it's the ol'

paralyzing neurotoxin that keeps us ALIVE and FULLY AWARE while they lay

their eggs in our skulls, so the LARVAE can EAT THEIR WAY out of our

bodies. Oh and don't think it can't happen either. Insects wage wars.

They have organizational heirarchies, they demonstrate strategy, and if

it's one thing insects can do better than just about anything else, it's

ORGANIZE. Yes. They *are* a well-regulated militia.

 

Oh sure, we can step on a bug or two. We can spray a few more. In NY they

burn down WHOLE BUILDINGS because of roach problems, leaving the humans

that lived inside homeless. Oh sure, the bug population lost a few

hundred million citizens, and OH DEAR, that'll take them about NINE

MINUTES to replenish those population numbers.... We spray 'em, they

become immune to our poisons. We blow 'em up, they make more.

 

What's our chance? The COCKROACH. The cockroach *has* adapted to live

symbiotically with humans (the symbiosis: we provide them with moist

garbage, they let us live). We're convenient for them. We make things

fairly comfortable for them as a species. So, when the beetle finally

acknowledges its pest problem, the roaches MIGHT just decide to say "It's

okay, they're with us".

 

But, seriously, if you want the roaches to leave your dwelling, the best

thing to do is ask them to leave. In their own language of course. How do

roaches communicate? CHEMICALLY. So, what you do is capture a roach, and

hold it between your thumb and phone finger (protective gloves are

advisable, but only if you're some kind of goddamned pansy), and *gently*

rub the critter. Don't let it die, just sorta gently rub it between your

thumb and index finger, and do so around affected areas of your home.

Kitchen, living room, wherever the garbage may be, and also around any

entrances into your home, cracks in the wall, what have you. What this

does is leave a scent which tells the roaches this is a place it

shouldn't be.

 

Be warned, this *will* attract carrion beetles, but only for a little

while. Eventually they'll go away as well. But, in order for this to

work, you'll want to employ the *best* tactic for keeping your home

vermin-free: STOP BEING SUCH A GODDAMNED PIG. Do the dishes. Take out the

garbage. Clean up after yourself. Never leave food or crumbs laying

about. Don't dump food down the drain without chasing it with drain

cleaner. Why? simple. If there's no stray food, there'll be no reason for

the roaches to return.

 

--

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

http://www.tezcat.com/~aieeee .................. http://www.nutmeg.net

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