From Thu Jul 09 19:05:40 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: allannis morrisette

From: "kevbob" <>

Date: 10 Jul 1998 02:05:40 GMT



there i was.


toolin' around "town", lookin for something to do, walking the mall, trying

to figure out why the floors had obviously been wet before i had arrived,

gawking at the pre-packaged ready made buy me now pay for it for the rest

of your life sparkly soul sucking over-priced i wouldn't buy this crap if

it were the last crap on earth geegaws and steadily getting less something.


so, i decided to go to the other side of the hill:


on cue.


i don't know if you have an on cue in your town, but if it's anything like

minem it sucks. it's a great idea, a bookstore/cd store/ video store full

of "cool" stuff.




living where i do, it looks as, according to this store at least, that

hanson hasn't made it big. not that i'm complaining about a distinctive

lack of hanson,




so, there i was desperately looking for something, and some dumbass was

mystifying the yokals with the plight of the y2k problem and how it is

wrong that laptops are ok with y2k shit, but everything else is going to

fall to shit in a basket.


somehow, this led into a discussion, no that would be monologue, wherein

said/aforementioned guru of mysticism expounds upon how all the old people

knew that the world was going to end 10-20 years after the turn of the next



something about how the incan/aztech calendar abruptly stopped.


right now i'm, of course, kicking myself for thinking up something

witty/apropos/jiggy after the fact: namely, don't you think these people,

2000 years ago just said, fuck it, 200 years is enough to go ahead.

someone will do more in say, 1000 years.


but i didn't.


so i guess they'll have to live their lives without my pithy comments.


poor them.


so, i drive out onto


and i do not lie


mall boulevard.


which, in my dictionary, would not be a boulavard, since it doesn't have a

grassy strip running down the middle of it, but oh well, this town needs

its pretensions quite possibly more so than any other town in the explored

realms of this little ol' planet.


so i get stuck behind this ford areostar with arkansas plates, with an

"i love jesus"



and it wasn't just a bumper sticker.


dude had stuck stickers on it,

those little happy everything is right with the world round stickers you

get in kendergarten.


i could tell they were stickers and not part of the bumpersticker, becasue

the upside down smiley face (he may well have still been in keindergarden)

was peeling slightly,


and all i could think was






this guy DOES love jesus.


he loves the FUCK out of jesus.


more power too him.


he wasn't a particularly good driver, but, well, i'm sick of nascar

wannabes anyway, and on an aside if i see another one of those Calvin and

Hobbes stickers with calvin pissing on the number of some anti-fanboy's

favorite nascar driver to hate's number i'm gonna do my version of go

postal which would probably involve me taking something semi-large, such as

a dry stick, and breaking it into itty-bitty tiny pieces,




so there i go driving by the suckiest movie theatre in the universe, or

more aptly, the suckiest movie theatre i've ever watched the re-release of

empire strikes back where the curtain "Accidentally" closes three times and

the film breaks RIGHT during the luke getting his hand cut-off scene which

is possibly the only decent part of one of the most boring/tedious films

int he universe, or more aptly, in the universe that i've ever scene.




what, you might ask if you hadn't dozed off eighteen paragraphs ago, was

playing at aforementioned movie theatre.


funny you might ask, becasue the choices seem almost zen-ly-esque calming

to me right at this very instant:


Disney's Mulan. (and yes, the board actually says, Disney's Mulan, as

opposed to JUST mulan, as if i couldn;t figure out that some animanted

full-length feature about anything wasn't made by disney-co.)


Dr. Doolittle. (i can't think of anything pithy enough to put in these

paragraphs. maybe i'm just tired. i know the remake of Dr. Doolittle

deserves SOME kind of a Pissed off rant, maybe about the loss of Chris

Rock's soul or something, but i;m just too tired to think of anything.)






now, to be honest, i thought about writing this post, or at least bitching

about the movie theatre and it's sucky releases etc. ad nauseum, and with

just ending the post with the word armageddon and maybe trying to build up

some type of a fervor before using that word,




as pulled up work,


allaniss morrisette came on the radio,










now, to TRULY understand why allaniss morriset is PISSING ME OFF,

the radio conched out on me as i got into the car after a slow suicide of

walking through the mall and it's pathetic lack of any semblance of

anything interesting, and it was the first time it had EVER acted up,

barring the fact that the front-left speaker is kinda dead,



and i had to spend FIVE minutes trying to get it back on.


of course,


it DID come back on,


so i could listen to allaniss FUCKING morrisette.





i think i might killfile myself.


actually, four more dear tim:







blow me you unfunny bastard.


"the middle just got a whole lot harder."