From Mon Jul 06 08:42:57 1998

Newsgroups: alt.slack

Subject: I AM A CLONE

From: (Crazy Bob)

Date: 6 Jul 1998 15:42:57 GMT


The rest of you really haven't figured it out have you? Maybe it's

because I'm the only one who got an incomplete memory wipe... CLONES!

We're all clones! Our true selves ARE on the saucers, just with these

memory implants it SEEMS like X-Day was a wash. It was Ivan Stang's CLONE

who got tarred and feathered and thrown in the lake, and taunted with

chants of "triple back" and "class action"!


They made a clone of StCrazyBob, extracted his memory, erased it after

the moment of rupture, and beamed it back in time to precisely the moment

after the Rupture... and I AM THAT CLONE!


How do I know this? I think it must have been because the original StCB

didn't get the KoolAid they were passing around or something, or maybe

just a one-in-a-few-thousand fuckup by the Xists... I REMEMBER, children,

the countdown (begging someone for that KoolAid to no avail) and I

closed... sorry, it gets confusing sometimes being a clone... HE closed

HIS eyes, shouted "Fuck'em If They Can't Take A Joke!" and waited to be

transported up to the saucer.


He FELT, rather than saw, a cascade of purple light washing over him, and

opened his eyes to...


Well, the memory is faded even if it didn't get totally wiped. I still

don't UNDERSTAND Perfect Slack, but any lingering doubts as to its

possibility are gone. The memory is faded, dreamlike, and what I can

remember I can't even BEGIN to describe, I don't even know where to start

or how to put it into words.


The memory glitch only lasts a few milliseconds (the Xists aren't THAT

careless) but in that time I experienced more Slack than CrazyBob

remembers having experienced in his whole life. He sure got his money's

worth, no doubt about that, but now there's me, the poor expendable

clone, implanted with his often embarrasing memories and given all his

material possessions and set on this mudball to carve out a Slackful

existence while he enjoys the fruits of his foresight.


Hell, I *remember* paying my thirty dollars, even if it wasn't actually



I can only imagine that for some inscrutable reason the destruction of

this planet and its pinks has been cancelled or postponed indefinately...

I suppose even Legume and Joe Mama and their Holocaustals couldn't tear

themselves away from Perfect Slack long enough to arm a neutrino cannon.


The Xists ARE among us. All us clones must be a safety measure so that

people don't suspect they are here. What happens when they find out I'm

spreading the truth? As a clone, I may well be expendable... or maybe if

I vanished that would just arouse suspicions so they'll let me rant on in

hopes that people will think it's just a new shtick...


What happens when the Xists finally DO decide to take over, though? Will

all us clones be given our Slack, or will we become expendible? Maybe the

clones can form an underground anti-Xists resistance and FIGHT the Xists

and our FORMER SELVES for control of this planet!


Great Dobbs! We HAVE the Yeti genes, but so do THEY, plus all the Xist

technology! We'll have to RAISE AN ARMY of heretofore latent Subs to

bolster our ranks! We'll have to get EVERY latent Sub on our side! Even

Bobbies (they can be cannon fodder, and their money is still green to BUY



BEYOND THAT we must confuse our enemies! If it is to be war, our former

selves know us as well as we know themselves, so we must CHANGE! I may be

a clone of this CrazyBob character, I might have all of his weaknesses

and failings, but I am NOT HIM! I have a chance to make this CrazyBob

everything he should have been but was too CHICKEN or LAZY or WHATEVER

HIS EXCUSE WAS!!! I can expand on all of his positive qualities and

stamp out his lamenesses until I have enough SLACK to beat the tar out

of my former self in an unfair fight!!! It is imperative that we improve

over our former selves! That we drive up membership! That we GET MORE

SLACK! That we cultivate our inner Yeti in a way that THEY never did!

That we show those manipulative sons of bitches JUST WHAT AN ARMY OF



It may not seem like it, but X-day was a new start! This is a new

struggle... well, it's the same struggle really but the REASONS ARE

DIFFERENT! We have a chance to make our former selves JEALOUS! To show

them, while they're enjoying their Perfect Slack (becoming decadent and

weak so that we may defeat them), just HOW MUCH SLACK THEY WERE MISSING



Go forth, brother clones! Go forth and BE PINK NO MORE!


or KILL ME!!!