Subject: Car Update

Date: Thu, 07 Jan 1999 20:01:33 -0800

From: atruwe@shoggoth.uoregon.edu

Organization: Krugerflaggen International

Newsgroups: alt.slack.devo, alt.slack

 

Warning: this is another long, pointless post about my car. By all

means, avoid it if you're sick of it. This is just my first ever

vehicle that I'm allowed to mess up, as opposed to all the other family

vehicles, on which you can't put a bumper sticker unless EVERYONE

approves, and Pop usually doesn't.

 

X-posted to alt.slack to help revive the beleaguered group.

 

[You may be thinking "What happened to the 3-wheeled car?" Well, it

would have cost thousands to fix. The DeathBug2000 cost $400, and a can

of WD-40 to scrape off the bumper stickers. However, when I am rich, I

will have a FLEET of 3-wheeled cars, and their horns will all play

Dixie. Every Saturday, one of my aides will sit in each car, and at 12

noon they will all press the horn. Any car whose horn is out of synch

will be donated to local parking enforcement.]

 

The DeathBug2000* is actually running well, and the heater's working.

It's still off-white and rusted, with the hood painted red, orange and

yellow now, and "THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS" painted on the right side,

over the windows**.

 

I meant to paint it *** over Xmas break, but the weather was nasty and

our garages are full of power tools, frozen pig fat, and dismembered

toys.

 

Spring Break, we're finally painting the thing. Oh, yeah. Then, maybe,

I could go to a car stereo place and see how much it would be for them

to make the stereo work and attach speakers to it. Or I could attempt

to do the wiring myself. It's not like a _car_ battery would

electrocute me too badly.

 

Either that, or maybe buy a loudspeaker, like in '50s movies about

aliens invading, that fits on the roof, so I can drive around at 20 mph

holding a microphone and saying "Remain in your homes...do not

panic...remain in your homes..."

 

I have to decide which would be more fun, listening to music, or being

able to broadcast warnings. I usually listen to my CD Walkman on long

trips, but I'm not sure how legal it is to drive with headphones.

That's the argument for a stereo. The argument for a PA system follows:

 

ME, REALLY LOUDLY: Attention, citizens in the burgundy station wagon!

It is legal to make a left turn on red onto a one-way street! Thank

you!

 

People in station wagon: [to themselves] My god. A PA system! It must

be official! Let's turn left on red onto a one-way!

 

[they do, and the lane moves faster, and I get to my destination 45

seconds sooner]

 

--

 

ME, REALLY LOUDLY: Attention, left lane! I am attempting to merge!

Please allow me to do so. Thank you!

 

The left lane: [allows me to merge]

 

--

 

bumper sticker on car ahead of me: WWJD?

 

ME, REALLY LOUDLY: Your bumper sticker strongly suggests that you are a

dink! Ha ha! [I drive off as quickly as possible, in case they are

bigger than I am]

 

--

It would also be fun to order from fast food places. And instead of

honking when someone almost hits me, I could yell "YOU BASTARD!" or

"SWEET JESUS, YOU ALMOST HIT ME!"

 

Since I'm on the subject of 'things I will do to the car,'

 

K3WL C4R CH3CKL1ST:

 

[x] stereo

(mysteriously has stopped working, though)

[ ] speakers

(only one currently)

[ ] chrome skull on gearshift

(I can only find those leather grips. Not even an 8 ball. I had

a big red die, but it didn't fit the shaft. Poop.)

[ ] CB Radio

(Breaker. Breaker, good buddy. Um, so, you guys seen Smokey or

anything? Breaker. Actually, I'd probably keep quiet, but it'd be

useful for the next time the engine falls out in a steaming heap

of twisted metal. Sadly, there is no place for a CB radio to live,

unless I put it in the glove compartment or on the passenger seat.)

[ ] PA System

(as above. It would be extra cool if it could play songs)

[ ] Horn That Plays La Cucuracha

(if I were really gonna spring for a new horn, I'd want one of the

programmable ones, and I'd make it play the intro to "Happy Guy"

by Devo. You know, the sort of theme at the beginning of that,

and "Nu-Tra Speaks," and when General Boy appears on MWMTM? That

would

be so cool. I bet I'd get chicks.)

[ ] A Cigarette Lighter Outlet

(Not the lighter, just the outlet. So I could make popcorn on the

road. Actual lighters always make me worried that I'll burn myself

very badly.)

[ ] Flashing Lights

(IIRC, civilians can only have clear, green and amber. Fine with

me! Green flashing lights would be cool. I bet people would at

least let me change lanes more often. I mean, I think they'd notice

flashing lights, make way, and THEN remember "Wait, nothing official has

green lights! I been made a fool of!")

[ ] Mud flaps with Naked Chrome Ladies

(I'd just get the naked chrome ladies alone, but there aren't many

sufficiently flat surfaces on the Bug. They make naked chrome men,

but I haven't seen any in a while. It would be nice to have a

matched pair. They also make naked chrome horses, but I wouldn't

want people to think I wanted to have sex with horses.)

 

Interestingly, the naked ladies are WAY more 'spensive than Jesus fish,

and those little stylized Jesus doves that look more like stylized

outlines of Texas.

 

Also, the hubcaps need hypno-swirls, or maybe that optical illusion that

makes black and white turn into colors.

 

The defroster needs to be fixed, although I was considering taking out

all the glass and just wearing a flying helmet, goggles, and scarf when

I drove. Except the front windshield should be replaced with chicken

wire, because a) it's classy and b) it would protect me from flying

chickens.

 

I was thinking of ordering a Miskatonic U. Parking Permit from

Chaosium****, but I don't think anyone would get it. Also, I like to

pretend that I'm not quite that geeky. Of course, this doesn't change

my plan to paint random obscure media symbols (the "owl" glyph from Twin

Peaks, Buckaroo Banzai's double B emblem, the Devo bomb-on-bomb image)

on various bits. I am also going to paint "DRIVER IS NOT A HIPPIE"

somewhere, in big letters, just so I don't get stopped and searched for

drugs, because I generally have a syringe or two in my pockets.

 

I have the following theory:

 

If the car has a horrible paint job already, there's no way you're going

to get it a nice, even cherry red, with no nicks or runs, and if you

try, you'll go insane. Assuming you're not an auto-painting

professional. Go for the "Me and My Friends Got Together Last Weekend

and Painted My Volks Funny Colors" look.

 

Also, if it's not one solid color, and then one part gets scratched up,

I can just paint a big heart over that area, and it'll look

semi-intentional, whereas if it were one solid, smooth color, I'd have

to get one of those bottles of touchup enamel and repaint it with a nail

polish brush, between heartbeats, like that Russian guy who carved

microscopic icons.

 

Additionally, I bet thieves would prefer to steal a plain, off-white Bug

to one that was painted in a rainbow and had my email address stenciled

over the rear window.

 

Tune in next time for my list of What I Would Do If I Had Super Powers!

 

Annnnnnnnnnna

--

| <atruwe (at) gladstone.uoregon.edu> | Annna Truwe |alt.slack.devo|

| "Ned, startled by the ringing of his pants-phone, waits an |

| unwholesome amount of time before answering his call." -- andreaK|

--------------------------------------------------------------------

* I need a better name. Hitler's Revenge? Howard the Mild Affection

Bug? Eh. DeathBug is okay. I should spend the $50 and get DETHBUG on

my plates!

 

** FUN FACT: Gas station attendants do not know what the word "fascist"

means. I might paint it on the other side, too, so I can find out if

drive-through fast food people know about different types of

governments.

 

*** Rainbow hippie colors. Just for the hell of it. Also as sort of a

security measure. Matie will do the actual painting, though, because I

have bad juju with spray painting things that aren't a solid color.

 

**** They have bumper stickers, too. "Marry A Marsh -- Breed More Deep

Ones" comes to mind. Ha ha! I am a complete nerd. Mom said she would

read a collection of HPL's stories if I left one at home, so I did, last

time I was there. I sure hope she is. There's nothing like a shared

obsession.