Subject: Christmas dingleberries
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:27:23 GMT
Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion
So, wondering what the hell you were thinking when you drove 9 hours through
high winds and icy roads to be cooped up with your insane familial relations
for Christmas? It's simple - you are stupid and, "Bob" love ya, that's
enough of a reason sometimes. So fix another drink and go hang out in the
boat house with the dog again.
But while you're at it, put that tape of David Sadaris telling
his experiences as an Elf working at Macey's in New York. Heard it last
weekend. Funny stuff, and told in a very cynical tone. Should more than make
up for the bummer that is the rest of the weekend at home with the folks.
Wanna see a movie about people worse than your family? Sure you do. Rent
"The Lion in Winter." It is about king Henry the II with Peter O'Toole as
the king and Katherine Hepburne as the queen. It's our family favorite. And
remember, when the kings awake, nobody sleeps!
You will want music on the morning you open those thoughtless gifts purchased
at the last minute at the factory shops. Somebody say Perry Como? Kick the
shit out of that guy! Put in Robert Earl Keen's "Gringo Honeymoon" and play
"Christmas with the Family". It's the official White Trash Christmas song.
I will play it every year until I die from now on.
"Carve the turkey. Put the ballgame on.
Make bloody marys 'cause we all want one.
Send somebody to the Quick Pack store.
We need some ice and an extension cord,
a can of bean dip and some Diet Rite,
a box of tampons and some Marlborro Lights.
Halleluja everybody say 'cheese'!
Merry Christmas from the fa-mi-ly."
Gonna want some videos too. Seriously, how many times can you see the
Grinch? I'm about at my toxic limit. Rent or buy the incredibly stupid
Rankin Bass animated special "The Year Without a Santa Clause". Yes, it's
the one with the cool Snow Miser song. But that's not all. You get to
listen to that old fuddydud Mickey Rooney sneeze through the whole goddamn
show and act depressed because no one believes in him anymore. Hell, I
believe in you Santa! I believe I wanna smash your face. Some of the music
is so sappy and sickening, it is just what you need to fly into a fun rage
before dealing with Grandma and her geriatric bullshit once again.
You gots other Christmas things? Pony up.