Subject: Christmas dingleberries

Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1998 04:27:23 GMT

From: timstich@io.com

Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion

Newsgroups: alt.slack

 

 

So, wondering what the hell you were thinking when you drove 9 hours through

high winds and icy roads to be cooped up with your insane familial relations

for Christmas? It's simple - you are stupid and, "Bob" love ya, that's

enough of a reason sometimes. So fix another drink and go hang out in the

boat house with the dog again.

 

But while you're at it, put that tape of David Sadaris telling

his experiences as an Elf working at Macey's in New York. Heard it last

weekend. Funny stuff, and told in a very cynical tone. Should more than make

up for the bummer that is the rest of the weekend at home with the folks.

 

Wanna see a movie about people worse than your family? Sure you do. Rent

"The Lion in Winter." It is about king Henry the II with Peter O'Toole as

the king and Katherine Hepburne as the queen. It's our family favorite. And

remember, when the kings awake, nobody sleeps!

 

You will want music on the morning you open those thoughtless gifts purchased

at the last minute at the factory shops. Somebody say Perry Como? Kick the

shit out of that guy! Put in Robert Earl Keen's "Gringo Honeymoon" and play

"Christmas with the Family". It's the official White Trash Christmas song.

I will play it every year until I die from now on.

 

sample lyrics:

 

"Carve the turkey. Put the ballgame on.

Make bloody marys 'cause we all want one.

Send somebody to the Quick Pack store.

We need some ice and an extension cord,

a can of bean dip and some Diet Rite,

a box of tampons and some Marlborro Lights.

Halleluja everybody say 'cheese'!

Merry Christmas from the fa-mi-ly."

 

Gonna want some videos too. Seriously, how many times can you see the

Grinch? I'm about at my toxic limit. Rent or buy the incredibly stupid

Rankin Bass animated special "The Year Without a Santa Clause". Yes, it's

the one with the cool Snow Miser song. But that's not all. You get to

listen to that old fuddydud Mickey Rooney sneeze through the whole goddamn

show and act depressed because no one believes in him anymore. Hell, I

believe in you Santa! I believe I wanna smash your face. Some of the music

is so sappy and sickening, it is just what you need to fly into a fun rage

before dealing with Grandma and her geriatric bullshit once again.

 

You gots other Christmas things? Pony up.

 

Feliz Navidad

 

-Little Timmy