Subject: Re: SPOILERS!

Date: Sun, 23 May 1999 19:07:51 +0000

From: "?!" <schabe@dogma.org>

Organization: U S WEST Interprise

Newsgroups: alt.fan.john-winston, alt.pets.dogs.telepathic.yogi, alt.society.neutopia, alt.slack, alt.religion.kibology

References: 1 , 2 , 3

 

 

"M. Otis Beard" wrote:

>

> SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING

> SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING

> SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING

>

> 1. The kid was just too damn young. Many things in the film would have

> been infinitely easier to swallow had Lucas chosen a young adolescent or

> teen actor to play the part instead of a cutesy-wutesy li'l toddler. For

> instance: at one point, the kid is showing off his racing pod, and someone

> says something along the lines of "Golly gee, Anakin. . . you've been

> working on that thing for *years*!"

>

 

 

2. Anakin's mother serenely allows her cute li'l cuddly-wuddly toddler to

participate in technochariot races that are more than a little bit

reminiscent of something out of Ben Hur. Many of the racers smash their

machines and die during the course of these races. Even if the kid has all

that ability, how would anyone have found out about it at his tender age?

Do the inhabitants of Tattooine let infants drive the family speeder home

when they get too drunk at the Mos Eisley Spaceport? Even if he did manage

to make a good show of driving his first time behind the wheel, would

anybody really be so crazy as to let him try again at that age?

 

3. Anakin's mother shows every sign of loving him as only a mother can,

but when the Jedi Knights tell her they're taking him away from her forever,

she doesn't protest. She doesn't even seem surprised or upset about it. . .

she takes the whole thing so casually that she might just as well be talking

about the weather. It seems to me that, as determined as the Jedi were to

take the boy, she could have simply said "Anakin does not go without me" and

forced the Jedi to find a way to bring her along too. I don't know many

mothers who would let their children leave home at that age no matter how

talented they were.

 

4. Anakin was apparently a virgin birth. Oh, come on, George! Isn't he

impressive enough without having to be the Jesus of Space on top of it all?

Sheesh!

 

5. Jar-Jar Binks is WAAAAAY too cartoonish. A little comic relief is one

thing (R2D2 provided just the right touch of it in the original movie), but

Roger stinkin' Rabbit antics in the middle of a Star Wars movie is overdoing

it by a severely attenuated mile....

 

 

> 6. The rank-and-file military robots are awfully lame. They cease to

> function

> at the slightest provocation, and when one of them could easily take out an

> opponent by simply firing its weapon, it brainlessly walks at them instead,

> and ends up on the scrapheap.

>

> I'm gonna stop here, 'cause I just can't go on. Star Wars just shouldn't

> be picked apart like this.

 

But you just CAN'T STOP, can you? Even now, mentally, you're picking

at your recollections of the movie, like it was an itchy, painful

scab... I'm pretty sure I'm up to over a HUNDRED stupid little things

that range from uncomfortably to unforgiveably lame...

 

7. Anakin says "Yippee!" a lot. I refuse to believe that the second

most evil man in the galaxy said "Yippee!" ever, even when he was eight

years old. *I've* certainly never said it, anyways, except in an

understated, ironic tone.

 

8. In the whole universe, only two Jedi have ever turned to the dark

side, and no one knows who they are or where they came from. Yet, Yoda

warns everyone *constantly* of the danger -- implying that turning to

evil is possible for anyone, at any time, if they let their guard down

for a moment. Maybe whenever a pupil says something like "Actually, I

think I'd *like* to use the Force for attack, rather than defense" his

master is supposed to immediately have him destroyed. Then again, maybe

you need special Sith training to actually become a Master of Evil, as

opposed to just becoming a bitter adolescent, dropping out of Jedi

school and hanging around coffee shops writing self-involved poetry and

shooting space heroin.

 

9. All of the Jedi on the council are guys. Glass ceiling? Or are

there no female Jedi? Why not?

 

10. Why *don't* R2D2 or C3PO recognize Tatooine, or the name Skywalker?

I'm sure this will be covered somehow, but then was it really necessary

to introduce them in this film? It seems like they went out of their

way to introduce jarring inconsistencies.

 

11. The Naboo ships, unlike pretty much every other ship in the Star

Wars Universe, are showroom-perfect, like they've never been used --

even *after* running blockades, having droids shot offa them, going

through big space battles -- is this, perhaps, the only planet in the

galaxy to have discovered Turtle Wax?

 

12. Meta-clorians. Or metachloreans. Whatever they are, what the fuck

gives? Suddenly, the Force is a byproduct of space mitochondria? I

mean, that would *almost* work if you boiled Jedi mind control down to

pheremones and sympathetic vibrations, but how does that freaking

explain, say, the ability to levitate *solid objects*?

 

13. If Anakin Skywalker is extremely strong in the force because of

something that lives in his cells, shouldn't his power be greatly

diminished when 75% of his body mass is replaced by machinery?

 

14. This is the *first* movie, right? So, theoretically, you could

take your young child out of his Skinner box, put him in front of the TV

and show the episodes in order, and form a coherent story line, right?

Why then, just for example, is our first introduction to Jedi mind

control a joke that's only funny if you've seen "A New Hope?"

 

15. That double-headed announcer -- why does one head sound exactly like

a Planet Earth sports announcer, circa 1999 C.E.? Did we really need

that intersection with everyday reality to convince us that this was,

indeed, a creature that announced sporting events? When they do a

translation for South and Central American audiences, will he sound like

the guy who yells "Goooooooallllllll!!!"

 

16. The announcer says "That's gotta hurt!" Jar Jar says "Exsqueeze

me?" This is inexcusable. It's like Princess Leia telling Han to "kiss

her grits." Star Wars is supposed to *invent* catchphrases, not *steal*

them.

 

17. Come to think of it, there really was hardly a memorable line or

catchphrase in the whole movie. The only ones I really remember well I

remember because they were in the trailer.

 

18. Those goddamned KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell ads. I know, this isn't a

problem with the movie, I just wanted to take a moment to bitch about

that godawful thing. The reanimated corpse of Col. Sanders wielding a

light saber. And that fucking chihuahua. Yeck.

 

19. There was *one* ship controlling *all* the robots on the planet?

What, these guys never heard of redundant servers? Whose brilliant idea

was it to construct an *invasion army* with a single point of failure?

 

20. Besides, if the robots are all controlled from a central point, why

do they have officers? You want to get the troops to do something, tell

any robot, let the server handle the details.

 

21. The young Rodian's head is larger than the rest of his body. Those

poor critters must go through *hell* giving birth.

 

22. The Gungans and the humanoid Naboo aparently have a centuries-old

enmity that is brought to an end when the Gungan king is told that the

Naboo aren't stuck up prigs, despite the fact that they can enunciate

clearly and have table manners and stuff. If only the conflict in the

Balkans could be solved so easily.

 

23. Darth Maul gets about 15-20 minutes of screen time, and about 3

lines. He looks cool, his moves are terrific, but he doesn't really

have time to get established as Something We Should All be Very Afraid

Of. Instead, he comes across more like a telekinetic Hell's Angel.

Evil, sure, but not Galaxy-class evil.

 

24. Jar Jar gets over an hour of screen time, and more lines than any

other character except maybe Qui-Gonn. Actually, I didn't really find

Jar Jar as totally objectionable as many others seem to, I just wish

they'd shown a little restraint.

 

25. Anakin seems way too damned chipper for a slave. Even if he wasn't

a dark, brooding figure, shouldn't Watto's gruff, mercenary outlook have

rubbed off on him just a *little* by now?

 

26. Apparently, slaves leave work every day unsupervised and go

directly to their apartments on the outskirts of the city. Hmm...

Actually, I guess that's not so far-fetched. Never mind.

 

27. What were the squid tentacles on the submarine for? I presume they

were decorative. Real squids don't use their tentacles for propulsion,

they use jets. Hmm... Maybe instead of an engine, they just had a big

squid jammed up there.

 

28. Did Anakin somehow pick the one Naboo starfighter with the cockpit

customized for midgets and eight-year-olds?

 

29. Did I actually hear Yoda say that Anakin was too old to train? Is

this just his excuse for everything? And if Anakin really is too old to

begin training, then how is Darth Sidious going to convert Senator

Palpatine into the Emperor in a mere 2 movies? This is another one of

those questions that probably will be answered in the next two movies,

but the answer better be good, dammit.

 

30. In The Empire Strikes Back, the ghost of Obi-Wan replies to Yoda's

objection that Luke is too headstrong with "Was I any different when you

taught me?" -- but apparently Yoda *didn't* train Obi-Wan, Qui-Gong did.

 

31. Samuel L. Jackson was in the film for, say, five minutes. His

character had zero definition, and was totally unimportant to the plot.

Not only was this a colossal waste of talent on a par with Orson Welles

doing frozen food ads, but we never do find out if his light saber is

the one with 'Badass Motherfucker" written on it.

 

32. Could we have a little more backstory on why the tiny backwater

planet of Naboo becomes the sparking point for the collapse of the

Galactic Republic and the rise of the Empire beyond "Taxes, and, uh,

bureaucracy." At least they could have explained why the Federation

decided to blockade and then invade Naboo as opposed to, say, Alderaan.

 

33. There are exactly three events in this movie which are absolutely

critical to the story arc of the series -- Anakin Skywalker becomes

Obi-Wan Kenobi's pupil, Anakin meets Amidala, the mother of his future

kids, and Senator Palpatine becomes the head of the Galactic Senate.

The first happens without fanfare, the second, well, is just creepy (I

don't know about you, but seeing an eight-year-old boy gaze into a

fourteen-year-old girl's eyes, with the sure and certain knowledge that

at some unspecified date in the future they were going to "do it" --

that felt icky), and the third happens off-stage and is reported to the

audience later as a trivial detail, like the death of Rosencrantz and

Guildenstern in Hamlet (or, for that matter, the dissolution of the

Senate in episode IV... Uh, never mind, again.)

 

34. What, exactly, was Darth Maul doing just staring at Obi-Wan as he

dangled over that bottomless pit right near the end of the final duel?

Did he run out of ideas or something? He does know Jedis can do that

super-jump thing, right?

 

35. Remember that line in Star Wars -- they come across a bunch of

slaughtered Jawas, Luke wonders if it was Sand People and Obi-wan points

out the patterns of blast markings and says that "Only Imperial

Stormtroopers are so precise?" Now it turns out that not only are

Stormtroopers slightly worse marksmen than Stevie Wonder would be if you

sawed his fingers off, but that Sand People can hit a target moving at

nearly Mach 1 from a nearby mountaintop. Of course, maybe Kenobi was

just being sarcastic.

 

 

Bleah. Okay, if I don't stop now I'll be here all day. Somebody else

take over...

 

Y'know, the damndest thing though, I'll *still* go see that movie

again. At any rate, it's better than Return of the Jedi. I'll take Jar

Jar over Wicket the Ewok any day.

 

But I'll probably see The Mummy again first.

 

schabe "harpin' on" @dogma.org

http://elohim.dogma.org

 

 

Subject: Re: SPOILERS!

Date: Sat, 22 May 1999 14:30:29 -0700

From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench p-lil@ZubJenius.com

Organization: SexzillaNet

Newsgroups: alt.fan.john-winston, alt.pets.dogs.telepathic.yogi, alt.society.neutopia, alt.slack, alt.religion.kibology

References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4

 

In article <3746E1F5.466FB8DD@succeeds.com>, nu-monet

<nothing@succeeds.com> wrote:

 

> And did you notice how Jamaican his kind were? Even down to the music.

 

Sans ganja.

 

Goddamn revisionists. George Lucas is just as bad as Hitler.

 

 

The Prophet Lilith

 

--

Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil

SEATTLE BEWARE--The Final SubGenius RE-Devival is COMING

May 28--On The Boards--Visit http://come.to/devival99/ for details!

==== "What is Zen? Duh!" --me === "What is Tao? D'oh!" --Jesus ====

 

 

Subject: Re: SPOILERS!

Date: Sun, 23 May 1999 13:47:45 -0800

From: ebear@MI$direct.ca (bipolar bear)

Organization: essential bears

Newsgroups: alt.fan.john-winston, alt.pets.dogs.telepathic.yogi, alt.society.neutopia, alt.slack, alt.religion.kibology

References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4

 

 

In article <37485207.DDF40873@dogma.org>, "?!" <schabe@dogma.org> wrote:

 

> "M. Otis Beard" wrote:

> >

> > SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING

> >

snip

> > I'm gonna stop here, 'cause I just can't go on. Star Wars just shouldn't

> > be picked apart like this.

>

> But you just CAN'T STOP, can you? Even now, mentally, you're picking

> at your recollections of the movie, like it was an itchy, painful

> scab... I'm pretty sure I'm up to over a HUNDRED stupid little things

> that range from uncomfortably to unforgiveably lame...

 

*** I hope this answers some of your questions:

>

> 7. Anakin says "Yippee!" a lot. I refuse to believe that the second

> most evil man in the galaxy said "Yippee!" ever, even when he was eight

> years old. *I've* certainly never said it, anyways, except in an

> understated, ironic tone.

 

*** Yippies were only slightly less dangerous than the SDS. Study your

earth history circa 1968 young SkyWalker.

>

> 8. In the whole universe, only two Jedi have ever turned to the dark

> side, and no one knows who they are or where they came from. Yet, Yoda

> warns everyone *constantly* of the danger -- implying that turning to

> evil is possible for anyone, at any time, if they let their guard down

> for a moment. Maybe whenever a pupil says something like "Actually, I

> think I'd *like* to use the Force for attack, rather than defense" his

> master is supposed to immediately have him destroyed. Then again, maybe

> you need special Sith training to actually become a Master of Evil, as

> opposed to just becoming a bitter adolescent, dropping out of Jedi

> school and hanging around coffee shops writing self-involved poetry and

> shooting space heroin.

 

*** rumor has it that in the second film young Anakin takes a light saber

to his high school and cuts up the kids who picked on him....

>

> 9. All of the Jedi on the council are guys. Glass ceiling? Or are

> there no female Jedi? Why not?

 

*** Transparent Aluminum. Glass would implode.

>

> 10. Why *don't* R2D2 or C3PO recognize Tatooine, or the name Skywalker?

> I'm sure this will be covered somehow, but then was it really necessary

> to introduce them in this film? It seems like they went out of their

> way to introduce jarring inconsistencies.

 

*** Memory chips were not invented yet. They only had CPO's...

>

> 13. If Anakin Skywalker is extremely strong in the force because of

> something that lives in his cells, shouldn't his power be greatly

> diminished when 75% of his body mass is replaced by machinery?

 

*** Intel Inside

>

> 19. There was *one* ship controlling *all* the robots on the planet?

> What, these guys never heard of redundant servers? Whose brilliant idea

> was it to construct an *invasion army* with a single point of failure?

 

*** Bill Gates

>

> 25. Anakin seems way too damned chipper for a slave. Even if he wasn't

> a dark, brooding figure, shouldn't Watto's gruff, mercenary outlook have

> rubbed off on him just a *little* by now?

 

*** Teletubbies

>

> 27. What were the squid tentacles on the submarine for? I presume they

> were decorative. Real squids don't use their tentacles for propulsion,

 

*** Prarie squid do. How else would they get around?

>

> 29. Did I actually hear Yoda say that Anakin was too old to train?

 

*** this raises another question: if Anakin was too old, then what about

Luke Skywalker?

>

> 32. Could we have a little more backstory on why the tiny backwater

> planet of Naboo becomes the sparking point for the collapse of the

> Galactic Republic and the rise of the Empire beyond "Taxes, and, uh,

> bureaucracy."

 

*** Hey, it was good enough for the 13 colonies!

>

> 33. seeing an eight-year-old boy gaze into a

> fourteen-year-old girl's eyes, with the sure and certain knowledge that

> at some unspecified date in the future they were going to "do it" --

> that felt icky)

 

*** I know exactly what you mean! I was molested by two 13 year old girls

when I was about 9. Scarred me for life... now I can't even get an

erection unless there are two women in bed with me.

>

HTH

 

 

Subject: Re: SPOILERS!

Date: Sun, 23 May 1999 13:56:18 -0700

From: "M. Otis Beard" <barbus@uswest.net>

Organization: U S WEST Interprise

Newsgroups: alt.society.neutopia, alt.slack, alt.religion.kibology

References: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5

 

bipolar bear wrote in message ...

>

>*** I know exactly what you mean! I was molested by two 13 year old girls

>when I was about 9. Scarred me for life...

 

I'd like to feel your pain, but certain local ordinances prohibit me from

doing so.

 

>now I can't even get an

>erection unless there are two women in bed with me.

 

 

I have just the opposite problem! I can't get two women in bed with me

unless I have an erection.

 

Life is so sad sometimes.

 

 

-M. Otis Beard