Subject: Re: HEP! AH NEED A BOMMO!
Date: 14 Mar 1997 00:00:00 GMT
From: 1Ol01O@radix.net (MegaLiz)
Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu
References: 1 , 2
WOW. I gotta do this stuff ANYWAY. The carpet housecoats in particular
would be enough to estrangulate my neighbors at the very least.
I forwarded this one to MY MOM.
DynaSoar@YGRI.net (Doktor DynaSoar) wrote:
: Before even getting to the door, they should be prepared to leave
: quickly and prior to knocking if at all possible. We here at the
: InstiToot favor the "Poisonous Snake Preserve" welcome sign gambit.
: However, a collection of four to six NRA and related extremist bumper
: stickers pasted to the door will have much the same effect.
: "Forget the dog: BEWARE OF OWNER" "A Smith & Wesson Beats a Full House".
: Perhaps a few suitable stickers from the Church of Euthanasia?
: SAVE THE EARTH: KILL YOURSELF
: For those cases where some cheese brain can't fathom the mysteries of
: vague death threats, I recommend the $15 Basic Schwa package. You'll get
: more than ample semi-intelligable hyper-paranoid UFO kook material to
: study up and regale them with. And should they attempt to get a word in
: edgewise, your monosyllabic utterances at high volume should distract
: them long enough for you to continue with a pantomimed rant involved
: searching their personage for signs of alien influence. The package
: comes with many small Schwa stickers which you can paste to the door, to
: the mug which you use to bring to them a V8/grapefruit drink, to
: your forehead when you bring said drink to them, to their lapel as the
: enter, and to their back every chance you get. A Wicked Witch Of The
: West Cackle would be an appropriate announcement-noise for having
: applied one of these stickers.
: And what is best served with a V8/grapefruit cocktail?
: Cookies made with as much salt as sugar. When they take a bite and begin
: to show their reaction, stare at them with big wondering eyes and intone
: in a low voice "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat".
: If they pre-announce their arrival, you can be prepared to meet them. I
: suggest a collection of old, worn out stuffed animals, as realistic
: looking as possible at a glance, purchased from garage sales. When you
: know they're coming, open these stuffed animals, remove half the
: stuffing and throw it out. Arrange them in a circle on the floor very
: near the door, open side down. Then great your visitor at the door with
: a handful of liver, a GREAT BIG "BOB" GRIN, and a joyful noise something
: like "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Using
: the liver for lipstick just prior to opening the door would certainly
: add much to that vital "first impression".
: This can also be adapted for outdoor greetings on sunny days. Put three
: garbage cans in front of the front porch. fill one with whole animals,
: put a couple emptied animals into the last, and in the middle one toss
: the stuffing. As the visitor approaches, be "scaling" one of them as you
: would when cleaning a fish. When they're 10 to 20 feet away, yank out
: the piece of liver and hold it aloft, gazing at it in glee.
: Dressing for the occasion that they don't leave without knocking is
: crucial. Consider a poncho made from a 2 x 4 foot piece of carpet
: remnant. Cut a hole for your head in the center, and hang it over you
: with the extra length hanging front and back. Then close the sides with
: duct tape. You will appear much as a hairy version of the talking
: playing cards from Wonderland. This particluar tactic can easily be
: extended to the miniature household members, each of them getting their
: own Sparky and Spunky sized carpet poncho, and taught to walk with their
: arms and legs kept rigid. When teased into a frenzy, their
: characteristic noises can be adopted by you, in a more meaningful tone
: of course, to simulate a private speech pattern which the visitor will
: quickly conclude they have no chance of understanding.
: Much of this requires more effort than a simple phrase which would
: banish the offending entity. However the sight of their reaction should
: make the effort well worth it.
: For those cases when you just don't have the time to deal with them,
: perhaps you can try, "Hi. Come on in. I'll be with you in a moment. I'm
: just going into labor and need to load the guns."
: (@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist
: ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA
: Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius
: NASA's new contest - Find Mars probe, win a case of Tang!
* Asterisk of sounding serious, I may prefer to remain mysterious.
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