Subject: Re: HEP! AH NEED A BOMMO!

Date: 14 Mar 1997 00:00:00 GMT

From: 1Ol01O@radix.net (MegaLiz)

Organization: MotPU: Where Binary Moodswings are ALWAYS on the Menu

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 , 2

 

 

WOW. I gotta do this stuff ANYWAY. The carpet housecoats in particular

would be enough to estrangulate my neighbors at the very least.

 

I forwarded this one to MY MOM.

 

DynaSoar@YGRI.net (Doktor DynaSoar) wrote:

 

: Before even getting to the door, they should be prepared to leave

: quickly and prior to knocking if at all possible. We here at the

: InstiToot favor the "Poisonous Snake Preserve" welcome sign gambit.

: However, a collection of four to six NRA and related extremist bumper

: stickers pasted to the door will have much the same effect.

: "Forget the dog: BEWARE OF OWNER" "A Smith & Wesson Beats a Full House".

:

: Perhaps a few suitable stickers from the Church of Euthanasia?

: SAVE THE EARTH: KILL YOURSELF

:

: For those cases where some cheese brain can't fathom the mysteries of

: vague death threats, I recommend the $15 Basic Schwa package. You'll get

: more than ample semi-intelligable hyper-paranoid UFO kook material to

: study up and regale them with. And should they attempt to get a word in

: edgewise, your monosyllabic utterances at high volume should distract

: them long enough for you to continue with a pantomimed rant involved

: searching their personage for signs of alien influence. The package

: comes with many small Schwa stickers which you can paste to the door, to

: the mug which you use to bring to them a V8/grapefruit drink, to

: your forehead when you bring said drink to them, to their lapel as the

: enter, and to their back every chance you get. A Wicked Witch Of The

: West Cackle would be an appropriate announcement-noise for having

: applied one of these stickers.

:

: And what is best served with a V8/grapefruit cocktail?

: Cookies made with as much salt as sugar. When they take a bite and begin

: to show their reaction, stare at them with big wondering eyes and intone

: in a low voice "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat".

:

: If they pre-announce their arrival, you can be prepared to meet them. I

: suggest a collection of old, worn out stuffed animals, as realistic

: looking as possible at a glance, purchased from garage sales. When you

: know they're coming, open these stuffed animals, remove half the

: stuffing and throw it out. Arrange them in a circle on the floor very

: near the door, open side down. Then great your visitor at the door with

: a handful of liver, a GREAT BIG "BOB" GRIN, and a joyful noise something

: like "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEE". Using

: the liver for lipstick just prior to opening the door would certainly

: add much to that vital "first impression".

:

: This can also be adapted for outdoor greetings on sunny days. Put three

: garbage cans in front of the front porch. fill one with whole animals,

: put a couple emptied animals into the last, and in the middle one toss

: the stuffing. As the visitor approaches, be "scaling" one of them as you

: would when cleaning a fish. When they're 10 to 20 feet away, yank out

: the piece of liver and hold it aloft, gazing at it in glee.

:

: Dressing for the occasion that they don't leave without knocking is

: crucial. Consider a poncho made from a 2 x 4 foot piece of carpet

: remnant. Cut a hole for your head in the center, and hang it over you

: with the extra length hanging front and back. Then close the sides with

: duct tape. You will appear much as a hairy version of the talking

: playing cards from Wonderland. This particluar tactic can easily be

: extended to the miniature household members, each of them getting their

: own Sparky and Spunky sized carpet poncho, and taught to walk with their

: arms and legs kept rigid. When teased into a frenzy, their

: characteristic noises can be adopted by you, in a more meaningful tone

: of course, to simulate a private speech pattern which the visitor will

: quickly conclude they have no chance of understanding.

:

: Much of this requires more effort than a simple phrase which would

: banish the offending entity. However the sight of their reaction should

: make the effort well worth it.

:

: For those cases when you just don't have the time to deal with them,

: perhaps you can try, "Hi. Come on in. I'll be with you in a moment. I'm

: just going into labor and need to load the guns."

:

: --

: (@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist

: ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA

: Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

: NASA's new contest - Find Mars probe, win a case of Tang!

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

* Asterisk of sounding serious, I may prefer to remain mysterious.

Fat-free Feet: Not just a tasty breakfast treat.

Want to read about the S.P.E.R.M.? Leave a message with my firm.

If most of this is clear to you, know then what you must not do.