Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 04:44:29 -0800
From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>
(Decoded from background noise using antisleep-driven delusivination
techniques on January 13, 1999. Some of these may have already
happened. Nobody said prophesy had to predict the future.)
* Planet-wide, Xist-induced "Gut Blowout" blamed on millennial
hysteria. Televised, outlawed.
* Millions sign over power of attorney, Social Security benefits to
aerospace firm in exchange for one-way tickets to the Moon. First lunar
slave colony highly successful but eventually nuked by UN.
* Lenin, Mao clones decanted. "McCommies" franchises in the Deep South
within the year.
* "Cigar-In-A-Condom" craze ruins small entrepreneurs nationwide when
tobacco virus combines with yeast infections to form ebola-like crotch
* White Stones of MWOWM discovered in the Pacific ocean; MWOWM reveals
that its location was preparation for new Deluge.
* Inner cabal of Xists attempting to stop Rupture executed. Reported by
Conspiracy media as "meteor shower."
* The SubGenius Movie gets financing, but is suppressed and used as
porn by Hollywood moguls. Used as a source for movie rip-offs for next
* Random Bobbie videotapes moguls having sex while The SubGenius Movie
plays in the background, wins Oscar, donates percentage to Church.
* DEROs commit mass suicide. Major earthquakes througout the Pacific
Rim. "Corpses" found by Brazilian street youth, who wear the carapace
as protection from police and pedophiles.
* "Connie" chrome "fish" outsell Darwin fish, become dominant car
decoration. Supreme Court rules "fish" not obscene.
* Stang mass-married to rest of Church Hierarchy, investors.
* Little Rock resident charged with assassinating Clinton. Murdered the
next day on TV by Vince Foster. Clinton assassination proved to be
* Utopium drug approved by FDA. Common side effects include optimisery,
prozaccination, thanatosis. Sold over-the-counter three months after
* Television gets progressively worse as Internet gains popularity, but
commercials improve hundred-fold. Nielsen ratings extended to ads. Beer
company spends $200 million for Super Bowl half-time commercial,
supplants live half-time performance.
* Yacatisma arrive, but prove to be about half an inch long. Plagues of
raining Yacatisma wipe out rural community in China. Maggots, ticks,
leaches, and flatworms pushed out of food chain all together.
* Synthetic re-usable pumpkins, mechanical squirrels given away with
kids' meals after belated premier of The SubGenius Movie.
* Biotech firm patents process for cloning testicles. Wars soon last
only hours but completely destroy the immediate area's ecosphere.
Anti-pornography laws repealed. Firm pressured to produce clone breasts
by radical lesbians and transsexuals. Men become #1 buyer of breasts.
* Head of EeHeeg EeHeen found in ice core sample from Antarctica.
* X-Day photos sold to National Enquirer, Sun. Church membership in New
Jersey, Oklahoma quadruples overnight.
* T-shirts with Greys shot between the eyes sold in shopping malls.
* 'Frop cures AIDS, neurological disorders, cancer. Stephen Hawking
completely healed, presents perfectly rational yet spiritually
compelling reasons to send $30 to PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214.
Hawking later contracts Turette's Syndrome induced by 'Frop therapy.
* Psychedelic SubGenius band goes multi-platinum, blows off world tour,
disappears into desert. UFO activity over Arizona increases to the
point where it is no longer considered news.
* Currency replaced by tattoos.
* Billionaire covertly builds fake Martian ruins in Valles Marineris.
Sells deed to "Bob" when scandal nearly ruins public image.
SubMartian(TM) clenches formed; most SubMartians too broke to actually
move to Mars.
* SubGenius Foundation buys stock in biotech. Dobbshead transplants
become vogue. Random "satanic" cosmetic surgery attacks in Orange
County blamed on aging film star.
* Toxic waste used to build luxury condominiums.
* Pseudo-goth Hollywood director remakes *A Clockwork Orange.* Nadsat
becomes predominant dialect among preteens. American Dairy Council
loses class-action lawsuits from battered parents.
* Utopium suppositories replace alcohol for all social functions.
* Scholar presents compelling evidence that James Joyce and Charles
Fort were lovers. Murdered by ex-Catholic.
* Cheap knock-off DERO exoskeletons sold by Nike, Apple.
* Tabloids, "mainstream" newspapers form paramilitary gangs. Media War
I. *Stark Fist* staff conquers Dallas, but slips behind schedule again.
* The six-hundred-sixty-sixth Hour Of Slack show goes on the air.
* Dobbstown Olympus founded, becomes seat of Martian government.
Constantly overthrown and reinstated during next decade.
* Palmer Vreedeez becomes optimistic, loses grip on reality. Resulting
"performance art" turns Bay Area into wasteland. Velvet painting of the
ruins sells for $10 million.
* Fundamentalist Church films big-budget "preinactment" of The Book Of
Revelations. Cast disappears mysteriously half-way into filming.
* Renegade government agents attempt massive multinational coup d'etat
at drug policy summit. Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands becomes world
hero by "talking down" heads of state drugged by the renegades during
* Corporations add "Pontiff" position to organizational charts. Field
vastly understaffed due to stringent policies against spreading
* Two-caste system formed between the Slackful and the Slackless.
Slackless nearly wipe each other out. Slackful sell footage of the
carnage, become wealthy, buy out Conspiracy. "Conspiracy" used as
boogey-man for misbehaving children. Resulting psychological traumas
used by Elder Gods to create Conspiracy II, which goes overbudget.
Conspiracy II liquidated by "Bob", sold mainly to Reptoids.
The Prophet Lilith
Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil
Hey Seattle SubGenii! Go to http://ssucc.ragnarokr.com
==If reality doesn't make you LAUGH, then TAKE THE GODDAMN CLOWN NOSE OFF!==