Subject: Prophesies

Date: Wed, 13 Jan 1999 04:44:29 -0800

From: Popess Lilith von Fraumench <p-lil@ZubJenius.com>

Organization: SexzillaNet

Newsgroups: alt.slack

 

(Decoded from background noise using antisleep-driven delusivination

techniques on January 13, 1999. Some of these may have already

happened. Nobody said prophesy had to predict the future.)

 

 

* Planet-wide, Xist-induced "Gut Blowout" blamed on millennial

hysteria. Televised, outlawed.

 

* Millions sign over power of attorney, Social Security benefits to

aerospace firm in exchange for one-way tickets to the Moon. First lunar

slave colony highly successful but eventually nuked by UN.

 

* Lenin, Mao clones decanted. "McCommies" franchises in the Deep South

within the year.

 

* "Cigar-In-A-Condom" craze ruins small entrepreneurs nationwide when

tobacco virus combines with yeast infections to form ebola-like crotch

rot.

 

* White Stones of MWOWM discovered in the Pacific ocean; MWOWM reveals

that its location was preparation for new Deluge.

 

* Inner cabal of Xists attempting to stop Rupture executed. Reported by

Conspiracy media as "meteor shower."

 

* The SubGenius Movie gets financing, but is suppressed and used as

porn by Hollywood moguls. Used as a source for movie rip-offs for next

decade.

 

* Random Bobbie videotapes moguls having sex while The SubGenius Movie

plays in the background, wins Oscar, donates percentage to Church.

 

* DEROs commit mass suicide. Major earthquakes througout the Pacific

Rim. "Corpses" found by Brazilian street youth, who wear the carapace

as protection from police and pedophiles.

 

* "Connie" chrome "fish" outsell Darwin fish, become dominant car

decoration. Supreme Court rules "fish" not obscene.

 

* Stang mass-married to rest of Church Hierarchy, investors.

 

* Little Rock resident charged with assassinating Clinton. Murdered the

next day on TV by Vince Foster. Clinton assassination proved to be

hoax.

 

* Utopium drug approved by FDA. Common side effects include optimisery,

prozaccination, thanatosis. Sold over-the-counter three months after

its introduction.

 

* Television gets progressively worse as Internet gains popularity, but

commercials improve hundred-fold. Nielsen ratings extended to ads. Beer

company spends $200 million for Super Bowl half-time commercial,

supplants live half-time performance.

 

* Yacatisma arrive, but prove to be about half an inch long. Plagues of

raining Yacatisma wipe out rural community in China. Maggots, ticks,

leaches, and flatworms pushed out of food chain all together.

 

* Synthetic re-usable pumpkins, mechanical squirrels given away with

kids' meals after belated premier of The SubGenius Movie.

 

* Biotech firm patents process for cloning testicles. Wars soon last

only hours but completely destroy the immediate area's ecosphere.

Anti-pornography laws repealed. Firm pressured to produce clone breasts

by radical lesbians and transsexuals. Men become #1 buyer of breasts.

 

* Head of EeHeeg EeHeen found in ice core sample from Antarctica.

 

* X-Day photos sold to National Enquirer, Sun. Church membership in New

Jersey, Oklahoma quadruples overnight.

 

* T-shirts with Greys shot between the eyes sold in shopping malls.

 

* 'Frop cures AIDS, neurological disorders, cancer. Stephen Hawking

completely healed, presents perfectly rational yet spiritually

compelling reasons to send $30 to PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214.

Hawking later contracts Turette's Syndrome induced by 'Frop therapy.

 

* Psychedelic SubGenius band goes multi-platinum, blows off world tour,

disappears into desert. UFO activity over Arizona increases to the

point where it is no longer considered news.

 

* Currency replaced by tattoos.

 

* Billionaire covertly builds fake Martian ruins in Valles Marineris.

Sells deed to "Bob" when scandal nearly ruins public image.

SubMartian(TM) clenches formed; most SubMartians too broke to actually

move to Mars.

 

* SubGenius Foundation buys stock in biotech. Dobbshead transplants

become vogue. Random "satanic" cosmetic surgery attacks in Orange

County blamed on aging film star.

 

* Toxic waste used to build luxury condominiums.

 

* Pseudo-goth Hollywood director remakes *A Clockwork Orange.* Nadsat

becomes predominant dialect among preteens. American Dairy Council

loses class-action lawsuits from battered parents.

 

* Utopium suppositories replace alcohol for all social functions.

 

* Scholar presents compelling evidence that James Joyce and Charles

Fort were lovers. Murdered by ex-Catholic.

 

* Cheap knock-off DERO exoskeletons sold by Nike, Apple.

 

* Tabloids, "mainstream" newspapers form paramilitary gangs. Media War

I. *Stark Fist* staff conquers Dallas, but slips behind schedule again.

 

* The six-hundred-sixty-sixth Hour Of Slack show goes on the air.

 

* Dobbstown Olympus founded, becomes seat of Martian government.

Constantly overthrown and reinstated during next decade.

 

* Palmer Vreedeez becomes optimistic, loses grip on reality. Resulting

"performance art" turns Bay Area into wasteland. Velvet painting of the

ruins sells for $10 million.

 

* Fundamentalist Church films big-budget "preinactment" of The Book Of

Revelations. Cast disappears mysteriously half-way into filming.

 

* Renegade government agents attempt massive multinational coup d'etat

at drug policy summit. Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands becomes world

hero by "talking down" heads of state drugged by the renegades during

opening negotiations.

 

* Corporations add "Pontiff" position to organizational charts. Field

vastly understaffed due to stringent policies against spreading

internal rumors.

 

* Two-caste system formed between the Slackful and the Slackless.

Slackless nearly wipe each other out. Slackful sell footage of the

carnage, become wealthy, buy out Conspiracy. "Conspiracy" used as

boogey-man for misbehaving children. Resulting psychological traumas

used by Elder Gods to create Conspiracy II, which goes overbudget.

Conspiracy II liquidated by "Bob", sold mainly to Reptoids.

 

 

The Prophet Lilith

 

--

Popess Lilith von Fraumench * http://come.to/p.lil

Hey Seattle SubGenii! Go to http://ssucc.ragnarokr.com

==If reality doesn't make you LAUGH, then TAKE THE GODDAMN CLOWN NOSE OFF!==