Subject: Millenium Fever
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998 23:59:34 GMT
From: Dmytri Kleiner <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Newsgroups: tor.general, alt.slack, alt.bible.prophecy, alt.wired
Somewhere between sunset of the night before and sunrise on THE DAY,
everything will change. Undead religious heroes will resurrect. Aliens will
invade. Computer programs will crash and cause apocalyptic data errors, banks
will crash, cultists worldwide will commit mass suicides and other eccentric
THE DAY will bring apprehensions, turmoil, hope, frenzy, greed, prostration,
and -- as is the overwhelming custom of our age -- great celebration and
extravagant group debauchery.
THE DAY is January 1, 2000 AD. The holiest of holy days. There is no question
this day will have great meaning and consequences.
Many of the uninitiated believe THE DAY to be the beginning of the second
millenium since the birth of the offspring of a Jewish woman we now call Mary
and either a Roman soldier named Pantera or a meandering omnipotent god of
Abraham, depending who you believe.
These spiritual peasants that are ignorant of the true grandeur and Holiness
of THE DAY seem to believe that THE DAY commemorates 2000 years after the
birth of Jesus Christ. I will lead you away from these errors and help you
realise the true significance, the true Holiness of THE DAY, the greatest of
First off, since these uninitiated ones celebrate the birthday of this
crucified hero on December 25th, it would seem reasonable that even the most
unthinking traditionalist would agree that at best THE DAY was 6 days after
the 2000th anniversary of the birth of their Lord. These 6 days represent the
beginning of the Holy Erroneousness that gives THE DAY it?s power and glory.
All praise the Holly Erroneousness for it holds the true great meaning of THE
The subject of the birthday of Christ is a highly contentious area. Few
disagree that the traditional December birthday of Christ comes from the pagan
winter solstice and not the birth of Chirst. The best guest as to the actual
day of his birth is March 13th, fixed by a lunar eclipse that happened on the
previous night, perhaps the legendary star of Bethlehem.
The Holy Erroneousness of 6 days grows another 8 months and 12 days. Amen. It
is the beginning.
Is THE DAY Two-Thousand years, 8 months and 18 days after the birth of Jesus?
Before the year 1 AD was the year 1 BC, there was no ?Year Zero? The Arabic
notion of Zero had not established itself in the west when Charlemagne imposed
the idea of dating events from the birth of our remarkable demi-god bastard of
Therefor, because the first year was Year 1, the first year of any new century
or new millennia must also end in ?1?. So, in case you?re counting, THE DAY is
not the first day of the new millenia, but rather the first day of the last
year of the current millennia. But, what the heck, who?s counting?
Is THE DAY One-Thousand-Nine-Hundred-Ninety-Nine Years, 8 Months and 18 days
after the birth of Jesus?
Ummm. No. Uh Uh.
The Julian calendar?s method of accounting for leap years put the years out of
date with the seasons. In 1580 Pope Gregory XIII deleted 10 days from October,
although this caused great riots in his time as hordes demanded their 10 days
back, this realigned the new Gregorian calendar with the seasons and inflated
our Holy Erroneousness another 10 days.
Is THE DAY One-Thousand-Nine-Hundred-Ninety-Nine Years, 8 Months and 28 days
after the birth of Jesus?
The phrase ?Anno Domini? (The year of the Lord) and it?s dating was propagated
through England, Gaul and the known world by the ?Ecclesiastical History of
Britain? which was completed by the Venerable Bede in what we would now call
the year 731 AD. Bede based his AD dates on a set of Easter Tables that
provided the date for Easter Sunday in each year, the tables were compiled in
the year we would now call 525 AD by a Roman monk named Dionysius Exiguus
Dionysius was the first to measure events ?from the Incarnation,?
unfortunately he left no explanation of how he figured out the date of ?the
Incarnation? and all responsible historians believe that the cleric Dionysius
Exiguus made an error.
In terms of the mysteries of THE DAY and the Holy Erroneousness, it was the
greatest clerical error of all time. The Error of Error.s.
Historians argue weather Christ was born in 2 BC, 4 BC, or even earlier, but
all worth noting agree that Dionysius? date was incorrect, the most damning
evidence being that the well documented Herod the Great, who is clearly alive
in the Bible?s nativity stories, died no later than 1 BC, so Christ must have
been born before then. The March 13th day based on the lunar eclipse was in 4
BC, and is the most cited historical birth date.
So whether this adds 2 years or 4 years to the Holy Erroneousness is not
clear, but what is clear is that THE DAY, that great day of days, is 2000
years after the anniversary of nothing in particular.
What is certain is that the true hero of this great celebration that is
before us is not Jesus Christ, but rather Dionysius Exiguus! And the GREAT
EVENT which is commemorated by THE DAY is not a birth but rather a clerical
Is THE DAY One-Thousand-Six-Hundred-Seventy-Five Years from the anniversary of
a great clerical error?
Well, not quite, because it?s unlikely that that Dionysius composed his Easter
Tables on New Years Day, so the actual Error of Errors would have been a few
days after, One-Thousand-Six-Hundred-Seventy-Five Years before THE DAY.
What is without question is that whatever happened 730,000 trips around the
sun before THE DAY has long been forgotten. THE DAY is not about two tousand
years ago, THE DAY is about our ultimate transcendence into the abstract. Our
final escape from the mundanity of truth and our final and permanent plunge
into a world created by our own ideas, traditions and delusions.
In the modern era were labels are more valuable than details, where headlines
matter more than stories, where perception is much more meaningful than fact,
what could be more wonderful than this day?
Look to all the frenzy, all the extravagance, all the tragedy that will come
on THE DAY as great symbols, signs, omens, you must see these things as
conclusive proof of the unbounded Holiness of the Absurd. The Sacredness of
Like proudly striking a flag into a lansdscape with no known coordinates, we
mark THE DAY as existing outside of any relationship with any other point in
time. An unrelated coordinate in on an uncharted map. Arbitrary yet absolute.
THE DAY will soon be upon us!
By Dmytri Kleiner, 1998.
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