Subject: The Financial Revelations of Cyrus The Great
Date: 11 Nov 1996 00:00:00 GMT
From: "Myrkury" <MyRK@VOICENET.com>
Organization: Voicenet - Internet Access - (215)674-9290
On my last trip to Iran in 1993 [Yes, I can get into Iran. If you check
one of my occasional defenses of Phillip A. Daigle you will note that I
enjoy writing the occasional apologia for religious fanatics and such
activities make me a welcome guest of the Ministry of Religious Education]
I had the good fortune to visit Persepolis the capitol of ancient Persia.
The great hall of pillars and much of the throne room are still standing
but much of the ancient glory that was sacked by Alexander has worn away
with time. A more recent addition to the site was a crude autopaleograph
inscribed by none other than Stanley of "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" fame
as well a as number of similar graffitio by other remarkable 19th century
adventurer explorer types. Beneath these inscriptions was written, in
what appeared to be crayon, "Ahmed fellates donkeys." The ancient
grandeur of the past inspires a variety of reactions. Well, to get on
with my story, I was mucking about the site and enjoying the view of the
tombs of Cyrus and Darius, carved into the living rock of the overlooking
cliffs, when one of the mustard gas survivors who are passed off as
curators by the Iranian Ministry of Heathen Antiquities gave me directions
for a route to the tomb entrances that involved minimal rock climbing
skills. I started up the cliff and got to the top about an hour before
sunset and found the path/sheer rock face the curator had told me about.
It was marked with that sign which is so common along mountainous roads in
Iran: "WARNING EXTREME DANGER OF DEATH." The Persians, despite their
shortcomings, are an honest people. I made the descent to the entrance of
Cyrus' tomb and went inside. The interior was a small stark room with a
big stone slab on the floor, any artifacts having been long looted.
Standing on the ledge outside of the tomb I noticed that one cannot see
the monumental carvings on the exterior of the tomb from that vantage
point and I had an epiphany as to why there had never been an effort to
build some stairs up to the tombs. I also realized that it was dark and
any attempt to get back down would realize the warning I had received at
the top of the cliff. I am not the type to worry about goblins and
ghosties so I made do with what was available to me and bunked down on the
stone slab on the floor of the tomb. I was awakened in the middle of the
night by a voice that I at first thought belonged to Charlton Heston, I
then became alert enough to realize that it could not be him because he
was that very evening the guest speaker at a gun show in Normal, OK. I
then assumed it was either God or Moses because they both sound like
Charlton Heston and were not likely to be in Oklahoma that evening. But
neither of them (to my knowledge) speak in a dialect of Persian that
represents a transitional phase between Avestan and Pahlavi. The
following is a translation of the conversation between myself and the
owner of the voice:
Voice: WAKE UP YOU WORTHLESS SLUGABED!
Me: mmnghrlp, honey I told you three times is enough for one night...zzzz
Voice: I AM NOT YOUR CONCUBINE YOU PATHETIC LITTLE SEMITE, I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE FREED YOUR PEOPLE FROM BABYLON I HAVEN"T BEEN ABLE TO GET MY ROBES
Voice: NO, YOU WORTHLESS OCCUPIER OF THE ZAGROSIAN DUNGHEAP, HE IS IN
OKLAHOMA SELLING HANDGUNS
Me: Moses? God?!
Voice: NO, YOU CASTRATED SLUG SUCKING HYENA, IT'S THEIR POKER NIGHT AND
IF YOU ASK ME IF I'M NENSLO I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! JUST SHUT UP FOR A
MOMENT AND I WILL INTRODUCE MYSELF AND STOP SPEAKING IN ALL-CAPS.
Voice: Thats much better, I'm Cyrus the Great Emperor of the World, and
you are Steve Pryor from Pulasky in the Kingdom of New York.
Me: Actually I'm Myrkury from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
Cyrus (materializes with a flash of light dressed like a Pimp from
Superfly): Damn InfoSeek I should stick with Yahoo, well whatever, you
like my threads?
Me: Mmm., yeah they're you in a way. now pardon me for asking but why
have you chosen to manifest yourself to me of all people?
Cyrus: PARDON YOU WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SUSAN MAC DOUGAL? oops shit I
just fucked up the space time continuum something fierce, sorry, oh yeah,
why am I talking to you? Well I could ask what a nice Jewish boy from New
Cyrus: Fuck You, who's the 3000 year old Emperor of the world here? you?
NOT! like I was saying before you interrupted me, I might as well ask
what a kid like you is doing in a country full of anti-Semitic religious
fanatics? But I'm not.
Me: I still want to know why you are talking to me.
Cyrus: OK, but its really kind of embarrassing.
Me: I wont tell anybody. (I lied)
Cyrus: Well you know I used to be a big shot, heck that pile of skulls I
built out by my summer palace was the largest man made structure outside
Me: Wow, I didn't know that.
Cyrus: Yeah that was me all right but nowadays nobody wants to talk about
that Its World Trade Center this, Sears Tower that.
Me: I can see how that would make you feel kind of low.
Cyrus: Its not that at all, after 3000 years you learn not to value
yourself by material things. It's just that in the last thirty years
nobody has come to visit me except a bunch of filthy hippies. They did
turn me on to some good acid but they always thought I was just some sort
of hallucination and ignored me for the most part.
Me: I can see how that could get to you, I'm sorry. But shouldn't you
have a different perspective on time? being 3000 years old and all.
Cyrus: You sound like that Duchez fellow, I'm old but I'm certainly not
hanging out in the event horizon of a black hole.
Me: That was unfair of me, sorry. Maybe you should get out more often.
Cyrus: I do get out, I mean I work five days a week at the Chicago
Me: Don't you have any friends there?
Cyrus: Friends? With those shitwipe greedhead PINKBOYS? I think not.
Me: Holy Shit, you're an SG?
Cyrus: DuhAroo dipshit this is a revelation! what did you think was going
Me: I guess I wasn't thinking..
Cyrus: That's the first on the ball thing you've said tonight. Are you
ready to receive my wisdom?
Me: Uh, two quick questions ok?
Cyrus: No, but that isn't going to stop you, so ask away.
Me: Not to criticize your mode of speech, but I was under the impression
that SG revelations were, well, a tad more colorful.
Cyrus: I used to wipe my ass with the pubes of freshly slaughtered
virgins, after that kind of lifestyle you mellow a bit.
Me: I can see how that is. Another thing, this revelation isn't going to
include KY or Aboline is it?
Cyrus: Hell no! We use Ghee in this neck of the woods. Now one last thing
before I give you my revelation, those questions I just answered? Well
those were "THINGS NOT MEANT FOR MORTAL MAN TO KNOW" so in order to
maintain the cosmic balance you will die of testicular cancer in your late
Cyrus: Can we get on with the revelation now?
Me: I'm waiting
Cyrus: THIS IS THE REVALATION OF I, CYRUS THE GREAT, KING OF THE MEDES
AND PERSIANS AND EMPEROR OF THE WORLD. IN THIS REVALATION I SHALL TEACH
YOU AND YOUR FELLOW YETI THE SECRET OF MAKING BIG $$$MONEY$$$ FAST....
Me: You mean that chain letter pyramid scam..OUCH
(At this point Cyrus rams his great barbed codpiece into my left eye and I
begin to take him a bit more seriously)
Cyrus: ... no that was Ramses the Great who revealed that, no wonder his
empire never extended beyond a river valley...YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU MADE ME
LOSE TRACK OF MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT, oh yeah, making money fast. It's just
not possible, you have to do it the same way Smith & Barney do it...
Me: The old fashioned way? Hard work....OUCH THAT REALLY FUCKING HURTS
WHEN YOU DO THAT!
Cyrus: THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP! No, not through hard work but through the
principles of the Dobbshead. Now you might ask, if you weren't afraid of
loosing you other eye, how can glorps likeSmith & Barney use the
principles of the Dobbshead if their avaricious rape of the world?
Because they ARE the CON and the principles of the Dobbshead and the
mechanics of the CON are one and the same. It all boils down to
understanding the stimulus-response patterns of the Pink and stupid. I
will now reveal to you the secret of making big money fast, are you
writing this down?
Cyrus: On this ONE occasion you may speak without fear of my IMPERIAL
Me: I didn't bring a pencil.
Cyrus (Checking his pockets): hmmm, I don't seem to have one either, wait
a second, yep here you go the Imperial Codpiece has a built in fountain
pen, I had it made custom in Switzerland, its got a saw and a magnifying
Me (lunging across the room to gouge out one of Cyrus' eyes with the
Codpiece): Look, I'm sorry I had to do that but I wanted you to know how I
felt, OK?! Lets get back to the revelation and I promise not to
Cyrus: Fair's fair, now where were we before you put out my eye with that
Me: something about stimulus-response patterns.
Cyrus: Oh yeah right, now, write this down.
Me: I am.
Cyrus: right, Now the average Pink has three basic stimulus response
pairings: hunger/eat, tired/sleep, horny/fuck. Now a Yeti will enjoy,
nay, revel in these needs and their fulfillment. Now, the most basic and
evil element of the CON is twisting the Pinks so that they believe these
needs and urges to be EVIL calling them original sin or some such monkey
wash. The CON uses the confusion and angst generated by this denial to
get Pinks to work ever harder exchanging their slack for the material
goods that they have been conditioned to believe will satisfy their
desires. Desires which have been so twisted in the first place that you
hear them say things like "I need a Pop-Tart," now I like pop-tarts too
but I dont need them nor do feel compelled to buy the Nabisco "brand name"
product, I buy what is on sale be it Nabisco, hostess, or store brand
because it is all the same crap. Are you following me so far?
Cyrus: great, well the next part of the CON's exploitation is how they
convert undirected angst and longing into desire for a specific consumer
product. This is easy but requires a lot of work on their part and this
lets us exploit one of the CON's biggest weaknesses, they are into laws to
the point of fetishizing them, especially the laws of thermodynamics,
particularly the conservation of energy. Because of the hard work
involved in brainwashing Pinks into buying certain products and engaging
in "right" behaviors they will use the same brainwashing device for a
whole range of products and ideas. Now these products and ideas usually
have little in common otherwise the CON would risk even more latent Yeti
noticing their existence and taking charge of their own lives. To give
you an example, three years from now there will be an anti-abortion ad
campaign by the Moss foundation, the same intro edits, images and music
will then be used as lead ins for ads by Volvo, Cigna, ADM and DuPont...
Me: Oh, that's really helpful, giving me an example based on a future
Cyrus: Do you WANT me to smear the menses of a female jackal on your ass
and stake you out face down in the desert? Ok, like I was saying there
are a limited number of code signals used to program Pinks and to maintain
their effectiveness the CON makes multiple use of individual code signals
(which amplifies their cumulative effect you know how some car commercials
just make you want to have a beer)and rotates their use over time. Now
this has worked well for the CON since the invention of mass media but has
mostly been limited in its effectiveness to CONvincing Pinks to work 50
weeks a year 5 days a week 8 hours a day handing over their slack. But
change and evolution are inevitable, back in the early days of the ComCON
(those pathetic dupes who thought they were schismatic from the main
CON....no one is.) There was a misdirected Yeti by the name of Sergei
Einstein and he was commissioned by the ComCON to make movies that would
convince the Pinks that the ComCON was better than the CON. Sergei worked
very hard on movies like "The Battleship Potemkin" and "Alexander Nevsky,"
he developed the cinamagraphic technique of using fast past and
non-sequential emotionally charged images to build up a large undefined
emotional charge in the audience which would then be channeled through a
traditional scene into love, hate, desire or any emotion the film maker
wanted. The leaders of the ComCON being silly twits thought that with
Sergei's discovery they could usurp the main CON and take over the world.
This of course could not happen because the ComCON was part of the big CON
all along. Are you getting this?
Me: I ran out of ink a while ago.
Cyrus: Bummer, well just try to remember what I'm telling you, and lay off
that ganja you're wiping your short term memory with it.
Me: That's the point of the stuff.
Cyrus: Ah, now I see why people smoke the stuff I'll have to try some
myself, AFTER I FINISH THIS REVELATION. Now Sergei's little invention is
sometimes called the New Soviet Realism and it was pretty much the
property of a bunch of artfags, TISH graduates, and Spanish surrealists
until the late 1970's when the CON got a bunch of bright young glorps and
gave them a cable channel. They called it MTV, because M is the universal
semiotic code for power and control. They used the New Soviet Realism as
the basis for their "look" and soon became the most powerful media group
the world has ever known. Now at the same time the ComCON was running out
of useful applications so the main CON brought them back into the fold by
using old Sergei's tricks to convince them that they needed to go back to
the old CON ways if they were ever going to get the stuff they "NEEDED."
Me: Wonderful, everybody's a film critic, how in the hell am I supposed to
make money off of this?
Cyrus: Thats it! I'm fed up with your negativism and all around poor
attitude toward divine revelation. I'm not going to tell you.
Me: I'm sorry, look, don't pout, we'll get through this together and laugh
about it later.
Cyrus: You are soooo full of shit, maybe that's why I like you. All right
then, here's how to use what I just told you to make money fast. Open a
brokerage account at a discount broker that offers no fee mutual fund
transactions because thats where you are going to make your money...
Me: This isn't a check kiting scheme is it, I'm still on probation...OUCH!
Cyrus (completely ignores my interruption while pulling a small dagger out
of his sleeve and putting it through my tongue and lower jaw): ...now
that you have an account you need about $5000.00...
Cyrus: I feel so wonderful all of a sudden, you wanted to know what kind
of make money fast scheme requires $5000.00 to start. I'll tell you, ONE
THAT WORKS. Remember the seventh law of thermodynamics "It takes Money to
make Money." Now that you have your account you need to research the five
to ten stocks and funds in each market sector that are held in large part
by small investors and IRAs and whose prices are most volatile in
relation to sales volume. Now when I say market sector I am being very
specific, we aren't talking Mid-Cap, Value, and Small-Cap those are just
CON tricks to take your money. I'm talking market sectors like shoes,
insurance, cars, washing machines etc.. Now sit down in front of your TV
and watch the programs that stupid greedhead Pinks will watch to "help"
(hahahaha) them manage their money, watch afternoon talk shows and
cartoons, watch commercials most of all because the CON spends more money
on most commercials than they do on programs so the commercials are often
artistically superior anyway. If you are a true Yeti you will not be
CONtrolled by the coded signals but will be consciously aware of them.
All you have to do then is base your trades on an understanding of how
Pinks will act as a result of those signals. One last thing...
(Cyrus' beeper goes off and he departs for the astral plane.)
(A few minutes later Cyrus returns)
Cyrus: Sorry, but one of my assistant traders just blew a wad on Vaseline
futures. We got a few hours before sunrise would you like to play
Cyrus: Oh, yeah thanks, I was looking for my knife.
Me: mnghrdlp...OUCH.. thanks for pulling that out and yes I'd love to play
We spent the rest of the night playing backgammon and talking about sports
and other guy things (I think Cyrus is a little afraid of his latent
homosexual tendencies, but if your civilization was destroyed by Greeks
you would be too.) I lost about $60.00 to him but didn't really care
because he was stupid enough to take a check (You try cashing a check made
out to Cyrus the Great, King of the Medes and Persians, Emperor of the
World.) He also cheated often and badly but I said nothing about it, him
being royalty and all.
Myrkury Josephus Third Aviator of ZENO
outperforming the market on a regular basis