Subject: The Financial Revelations of Cyrus The Great

Date: 11 Nov 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: "Myrkury" <MyRK@VOICENET.com>

Organization: Voicenet - Internet Access - (215)674-9290

Newsgroups: alt.slack

 

 

On my last trip to Iran in 1993 [Yes, I can get into Iran. If you check

one of my occasional defenses of Phillip A. Daigle you will note that I

enjoy writing the occasional apologia for religious fanatics and such

activities make me a welcome guest of the Ministry of Religious Education]

I had the good fortune to visit Persepolis the capitol of ancient Persia.

The great hall of pillars and much of the throne room are still standing

but much of the ancient glory that was sacked by Alexander has worn away

with time. A more recent addition to the site was a crude autopaleograph

inscribed by none other than Stanley of "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" fame

as well a as number of similar graffitio by other remarkable 19th century

adventurer explorer types. Beneath these inscriptions was written, in

what appeared to be crayon, "Ahmed fellates donkeys." The ancient

grandeur of the past inspires a variety of reactions. Well, to get on

with my story, I was mucking about the site and enjoying the view of the

tombs of Cyrus and Darius, carved into the living rock of the overlooking

cliffs, when one of the mustard gas survivors who are passed off as

curators by the Iranian Ministry of Heathen Antiquities gave me directions

for a route to the tomb entrances that involved minimal rock climbing

skills. I started up the cliff and got to the top about an hour before

sunset and found the path/sheer rock face the curator had told me about.

It was marked with that sign which is so common along mountainous roads in

Iran: "WARNING EXTREME DANGER OF DEATH." The Persians, despite their

shortcomings, are an honest people. I made the descent to the entrance of

Cyrus' tomb and went inside. The interior was a small stark room with a

big stone slab on the floor, any artifacts having been long looted.

Standing on the ledge outside of the tomb I noticed that one cannot see

the monumental carvings on the exterior of the tomb from that vantage

point and I had an epiphany as to why there had never been an effort to

build some stairs up to the tombs. I also realized that it was dark and

any attempt to get back down would realize the warning I had received at

the top of the cliff. I am not the type to worry about goblins and

ghosties so I made do with what was available to me and bunked down on the

stone slab on the floor of the tomb. I was awakened in the middle of the

night by a voice that I at first thought belonged to Charlton Heston, I

then became alert enough to realize that it could not be him because he

was that very evening the guest speaker at a gun show in Normal, OK. I

then assumed it was either God or Moses because they both sound like

Charlton Heston and were not likely to be in Oklahoma that evening. But

neither of them (to my knowledge) speak in a dialect of Persian that

represents a transitional phase between Avestan and Pahlavi. The

following is a translation of the conversation between myself and the

owner of the voice:

 

Voice: WAKE UP YOU WORTHLESS SLUGABED!

 

Me: mmnghrlp, honey I told you three times is enough for one night...zzzz

 

Voice: I AM NOT YOUR CONCUBINE YOU PATHETIC LITTLE SEMITE, I SHOULD NEVER

HAVE FREED YOUR PEOPLE FROM BABYLON I HAVEN"T BEEN ABLE TO GET MY ROBES

MARTINIZED SINCE.

 

Me: Charlton??

 

Voice: NO, YOU WORTHLESS OCCUPIER OF THE ZAGROSIAN DUNGHEAP, HE IS IN

OKLAHOMA SELLING HANDGUNS

 

Me: Moses? God?!

 

Voice: NO, YOU CASTRATED SLUG SUCKING HYENA, IT'S THEIR POKER NIGHT AND

IF YOU ASK ME IF I'M NENSLO I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! JUST SHUT UP FOR A

MOMENT AND I WILL INTRODUCE MYSELF AND STOP SPEAKING IN ALL-CAPS.

 

Me:...

 

Voice: Thats much better, I'm Cyrus the Great Emperor of the World, and

you are Steve Pryor from Pulasky in the Kingdom of New York.

 

Me: Actually I'm Myrkury from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

 

Cyrus (materializes with a flash of light dressed like a Pimp from

Superfly): Damn InfoSeek I should stick with Yahoo, well whatever, you

like my threads?

 

Me: Mmm., yeah they're you in a way. now pardon me for asking but why

have you chosen to manifest yourself to me of all people?

 

Cyrus: PARDON YOU WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE SUSAN MAC DOUGAL? oops shit I

just fucked up the space time continuum something fierce, sorry, oh yeah,

why am I talking to you? Well I could ask what a nice Jewish boy from New

York..

 

Me: ...Pennsylvania.

 

Cyrus: Fuck You, who's the 3000 year old Emperor of the world here? you?

NOT! like I was saying before you interrupted me, I might as well ask

what a kid like you is doing in a country full of anti-Semitic religious

fanatics? But I'm not.

 

Me: I still want to know why you are talking to me.

 

Cyrus: OK, but its really kind of embarrassing.

 

Me: I wont tell anybody. (I lied)

 

Cyrus: Well you know I used to be a big shot, heck that pile of skulls I

built out by my summer palace was the largest man made structure outside

of Egypt.

 

Me: Wow, I didn't know that.

 

Cyrus: Yeah that was me all right but nowadays nobody wants to talk about

that Its World Trade Center this, Sears Tower that.

 

Me: I can see how that would make you feel kind of low.

 

Cyrus: Its not that at all, after 3000 years you learn not to value

yourself by material things. It's just that in the last thirty years

nobody has come to visit me except a bunch of filthy hippies. They did

turn me on to some good acid but they always thought I was just some sort

of hallucination and ignored me for the most part.

 

Me: I can see how that could get to you, I'm sorry. But shouldn't you

have a different perspective on time? being 3000 years old and all.

 

Cyrus: You sound like that Duchez fellow, I'm old but I'm certainly not

hanging out in the event horizon of a black hole.

 

Me: That was unfair of me, sorry. Maybe you should get out more often.

 

Cyrus: I do get out, I mean I work five days a week at the Chicago

Mercantile Exchange.

 

Me: Don't you have any friends there?

 

Cyrus: Friends? With those shitwipe greedhead PINKBOYS? I think not.

 

Me: Holy Shit, you're an SG?

 

Cyrus: DuhAroo dipshit this is a revelation! what did you think was going

on?

 

Me: I guess I wasn't thinking..

 

Cyrus: That's the first on the ball thing you've said tonight. Are you

ready to receive my wisdom?

 

Me: Uh, two quick questions ok?

 

Cyrus: No, but that isn't going to stop you, so ask away.

 

Me: Not to criticize your mode of speech, but I was under the impression

that SG revelations were, well, a tad more colorful.

 

Cyrus: I used to wipe my ass with the pubes of freshly slaughtered

virgins, after that kind of lifestyle you mellow a bit.

 

Me: I can see how that is. Another thing, this revelation isn't going to

include KY or Aboline is it?

 

Cyrus: Hell no! We use Ghee in this neck of the woods. Now one last thing

before I give you my revelation, those questions I just answered? Well

those were "THINGS NOT MEANT FOR MORTAL MAN TO KNOW" so in order to

maintain the cosmic balance you will die of testicular cancer in your late

fifties.

 

Me: geeifeelawholelotbetternow

 

Cyrus: Can we get on with the revelation now?

 

Me: I'm waiting

 

Cyrus: THIS IS THE REVALATION OF I, CYRUS THE GREAT, KING OF THE MEDES

AND PERSIANS AND EMPEROR OF THE WORLD. IN THIS REVALATION I SHALL TEACH

YOU AND YOUR FELLOW YETI THE SECRET OF MAKING BIG $$$MONEY$$$ FAST....

 

Me: You mean that chain letter pyramid scam..OUCH

(At this point Cyrus rams his great barbed codpiece into my left eye and I

begin to take him a bit more seriously)

 

Cyrus: ... no that was Ramses the Great who revealed that, no wonder his

empire never extended beyond a river valley...YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU MADE ME

LOSE TRACK OF MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT, oh yeah, making money fast. It's just

not possible, you have to do it the same way Smith & Barney do it...

 

Me: The old fashioned way? Hard work....OUCH THAT REALLY FUCKING HURTS

WHEN YOU DO THAT!

 

Cyrus: THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP! No, not through hard work but through the

principles of the Dobbshead. Now you might ask, if you weren't afraid of

loosing you other eye, how can glorps likeSmith & Barney use the

principles of the Dobbshead if their avaricious rape of the world?

Because they ARE the CON and the principles of the Dobbshead and the

mechanics of the CON are one and the same. It all boils down to

understanding the stimulus-response patterns of the Pink and stupid. I

will now reveal to you the secret of making big money fast, are you

writing this down?

 

Me:...

 

Cyrus: On this ONE occasion you may speak without fear of my IMPERIAL

SKULLFUCK.

 

Me: I didn't bring a pencil.

 

Cyrus (Checking his pockets): hmmm, I don't seem to have one either, wait

a second, yep here you go the Imperial Codpiece has a built in fountain

pen, I had it made custom in Switzerland, its got a saw and a magnifying

glass..

 

Me (lunging across the room to gouge out one of Cyrus' eyes with the

Codpiece): Look, I'm sorry I had to do that but I wanted you to know how I

felt, OK?! Lets get back to the revelation and I promise not to

interrupt.

 

Cyrus: Fair's fair, now where were we before you put out my eye with that

giant dildo?

 

Me: something about stimulus-response patterns.

 

Cyrus: Oh yeah right, now, write this down.

 

Me: I am.

 

Cyrus: right, Now the average Pink has three basic stimulus response

pairings: hunger/eat, tired/sleep, horny/fuck. Now a Yeti will enjoy,

nay, revel in these needs and their fulfillment. Now, the most basic and

evil element of the CON is twisting the Pinks so that they believe these

needs and urges to be EVIL calling them original sin or some such monkey

wash. The CON uses the confusion and angst generated by this denial to

get Pinks to work ever harder exchanging their slack for the material

goods that they have been conditioned to believe will satisfy their

desires. Desires which have been so twisted in the first place that you

hear them say things like "I need a Pop-Tart," now I like pop-tarts too

but I dont need them nor do feel compelled to buy the Nabisco "brand name"

product, I buy what is on sale be it Nabisco, hostess, or store brand

because it is all the same crap. Are you following me so far?

 

Me: No,

 

Cyrus: great, well the next part of the CON's exploitation is how they

convert undirected angst and longing into desire for a specific consumer

product. This is easy but requires a lot of work on their part and this

lets us exploit one of the CON's biggest weaknesses, they are into laws to

the point of fetishizing them, especially the laws of thermodynamics,

particularly the conservation of energy. Because of the hard work

involved in brainwashing Pinks into buying certain products and engaging

in "right" behaviors they will use the same brainwashing device for a

whole range of products and ideas. Now these products and ideas usually

have little in common otherwise the CON would risk even more latent Yeti

noticing their existence and taking charge of their own lives. To give

you an example, three years from now there will be an anti-abortion ad

campaign by the Moss foundation, the same intro edits, images and music

will then be used as lead ins for ads by Volvo, Cigna, ADM and DuPont...

 

Me: Oh, that's really helpful, giving me an example based on a future

event.

 

Cyrus: Do you WANT me to smear the menses of a female jackal on your ass

and stake you out face down in the desert? Ok, like I was saying there

are a limited number of code signals used to program Pinks and to maintain

their effectiveness the CON makes multiple use of individual code signals

(which amplifies their cumulative effect you know how some car commercials

just make you want to have a beer)and rotates their use over time. Now

this has worked well for the CON since the invention of mass media but has

mostly been limited in its effectiveness to CONvincing Pinks to work 50

weeks a year 5 days a week 8 hours a day handing over their slack. But

change and evolution are inevitable, back in the early days of the ComCON

(those pathetic dupes who thought they were schismatic from the main

CON....no one is.) There was a misdirected Yeti by the name of Sergei

Einstein and he was commissioned by the ComCON to make movies that would

convince the Pinks that the ComCON was better than the CON. Sergei worked

very hard on movies like "The Battleship Potemkin" and "Alexander Nevsky,"

he developed the cinamagraphic technique of using fast past and

non-sequential emotionally charged images to build up a large undefined

emotional charge in the audience which would then be channeled through a

traditional scene into love, hate, desire or any emotion the film maker

wanted. The leaders of the ComCON being silly twits thought that with

Sergei's discovery they could usurp the main CON and take over the world.

This of course could not happen because the ComCON was part of the big CON

all along. Are you getting this?

 

Me: I ran out of ink a while ago.

 

Cyrus: Bummer, well just try to remember what I'm telling you, and lay off

that ganja you're wiping your short term memory with it.

 

Me: That's the point of the stuff.

 

Cyrus: Ah, now I see why people smoke the stuff I'll have to try some

myself, AFTER I FINISH THIS REVELATION. Now Sergei's little invention is

sometimes called the New Soviet Realism and it was pretty much the

property of a bunch of artfags, TISH graduates, and Spanish surrealists

until the late 1970's when the CON got a bunch of bright young glorps and

gave them a cable channel. They called it MTV, because M is the universal

semiotic code for power and control. They used the New Soviet Realism as

the basis for their "look" and soon became the most powerful media group

the world has ever known. Now at the same time the ComCON was running out

of useful applications so the main CON brought them back into the fold by

using old Sergei's tricks to convince them that they needed to go back to

the old CON ways if they were ever going to get the stuff they "NEEDED."

 

Me: Wonderful, everybody's a film critic, how in the hell am I supposed to

make money off of this?

 

Cyrus: Thats it! I'm fed up with your negativism and all around poor

attitude toward divine revelation. I'm not going to tell you.

 

Me: I'm sorry, look, don't pout, we'll get through this together and laugh

about it later.

 

Cyrus: You are soooo full of shit, maybe that's why I like you. All right

then, here's how to use what I just told you to make money fast. Open a

brokerage account at a discount broker that offers no fee mutual fund

transactions because thats where you are going to make your money...

 

Me: This isn't a check kiting scheme is it, I'm still on probation...OUCH!

 

Cyrus (completely ignores my interruption while pulling a small dagger out

of his sleeve and putting it through my tongue and lower jaw): ...now

that you have an account you need about $5000.00...

 

Me: nnnghlmm..

 

Cyrus: I feel so wonderful all of a sudden, you wanted to know what kind

of make money fast scheme requires $5000.00 to start. I'll tell you, ONE

THAT WORKS. Remember the seventh law of thermodynamics "It takes Money to

make Money." Now that you have your account you need to research the five

to ten stocks and funds in each market sector that are held in large part

by small investors and IRAs and whose prices are most volatile in

relation to sales volume. Now when I say market sector I am being very

specific, we aren't talking Mid-Cap, Value, and Small-Cap those are just

CON tricks to take your money. I'm talking market sectors like shoes,

insurance, cars, washing machines etc.. Now sit down in front of your TV

and watch the programs that stupid greedhead Pinks will watch to "help"

(hahahaha) them manage their money, watch afternoon talk shows and

cartoons, watch commercials most of all because the CON spends more money

on most commercials than they do on programs so the commercials are often

artistically superior anyway. If you are a true Yeti you will not be

CONtrolled by the coded signals but will be consciously aware of them.

All you have to do then is base your trades on an understanding of how

Pinks will act as a result of those signals. One last thing...

(Cyrus' beeper goes off and he departs for the astral plane.)

(A few minutes later Cyrus returns)

Cyrus: Sorry, but one of my assistant traders just blew a wad on Vaseline

futures. We got a few hours before sunrise would you like to play

backgammon?

 

Me: mmmnglhp!

 

Cyrus: Oh, yeah thanks, I was looking for my knife.

 

Me: mnghrdlp...OUCH.. thanks for pulling that out and yes I'd love to play

backgammon.

 

We spent the rest of the night playing backgammon and talking about sports

and other guy things (I think Cyrus is a little afraid of his latent

homosexual tendencies, but if your civilization was destroyed by Greeks

you would be too.) I lost about $60.00 to him but didn't really care

because he was stupid enough to take a check (You try cashing a check made

out to Cyrus the Great, King of the Medes and Persians, Emperor of the

World.) He also cheated often and badly but I said nothing about it, him

being royalty and all.

 

 

--

Myrkury Josephus Third Aviator of ZENO

outperforming the market on a regular basis