Subject: The Damned True History of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. for ICEKNIFE

Date: 25 Mar 1997 00:00:00 GMT

From: SubGeniusPolice@Slack!!.org (SubGenius Police)

Reply-To: Unit 0 (Control)


Newsgroups: alt.slack



[Publish, perish, whatever. Just do *not* mourn for Varro!]


The True History of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.


Unit 0

SubGenius Police, Usenet Tactical Unit (Mobile)

CopyLeft (L) 1997, The SubGenius Police




[Somewhere deep inside the earth under Jersey City, New Jersey]


Unit VII had just settled down to his quadruppio espresso when the

spam hit the fan. His screen showed thousands of IP packets containing

multiple misspellings surging out of Mississippi like a swarm of poisonous

crimson fire ants. "Damn, not *that Bozo* again," he sighed, firing up his

cybernetic [SubNectivity] link to the SubGPoMan network. The reddish glow

of the tactical lighting in the SputCentral Ops Command Post reflected

eerily from his steel grey eyes. There would be hell to pay tonight.

[Message Unit 0, Priority Code Alpha], he thought.

[Authenticate mental signature.], the automated SubNectivity Connection Daemon replied.

[Bulldada Internet Tactical Engineers, Merehume Exposure Element],

Unit VII thought with precisely the correct emphasis on each word.

[Pass. Unit 0 offline], the cybernetic transponder reported in its

sexy, Japanese-accented mental voice, [Unit 1 standing by for flash


Unit VII chortled grimly...even better. The Magus was _not_ one to

offer quarter to net.abusers. [Acknowledged. Transfer.]


[Unit I here. What's up, big guy?] The Magus' familiar mental aura

filled Unit VII with a mixture of adoration and sick dread.

[Sir, it's Enlo* again...this time, he's using an AOL throwaway

account to post annoying messages to alt.binaries.slack.]

[<Mental sigh> Well, have the artists already made him?]

[Can't have, sir-- the post just hit the backbone from;

won't make it to individual ISP news servers for several minutes.]

[Roger. Recommend standard procedure 9. <Mental Emphasis>]

[Nine? You mean, let our artists humiliate him by outing his

stupid throwaway account, and then posting hilarious artwork parodying his

stupidity? I mean, can't we launch just ONE nanotech drone toward

Mississipi, just to see which of his Commodore 64's he's using tonight?],

Unit VII begged.

[Negative. Target not worth it. Sufficient intel already collected

in January via that route. Unit 0 has given strict instructions that

advanced hardware be reserved for *important* targets. Implement 9. Magus

Out.], and with that, the mental link with Unit I was severed.

"Damn," Unit VII muttered, as the spammer's TCP/IP packets made

their way unhindered through various NAPs into news servers around the

world, "sometimes it's just *no fun at all* being the good guys."

In the Beginning:


The history of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. reaches back to the dawn of the

SubGenius Yetinsyny heritage. In 258,969 BCE, the Atlantean SubGenius

Council finally recognized the need for an outreach to their brethren on

the Pacific continent of Mu. Therefore, in a proclamation made public on

the 7th month of the 7th year of the rein of Emperor D'yyna, the SubGenius

Council of None announced the formation of the SubGenius Promoters,

Universal Thought Unit (Mu). The first Unit 0, T'arla'a S'tarr, summarized

the purpose of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. in the first interview she granted the

Atlantean News Service: "We here at S.P.(U.T.U.)M. serve as an underground

force for "B'o'b" in these degenerate latter days. We seek reconciliation

among all Yetinsyny factions, and desperately urge all left-minded

SubGenii to unite in our struggle against Pinks, in whatever locality or

incarnation we may find them."

Unfortunately, when the entire Empire of Mu was physically

translated into the sun at the end of the First Xist War (156,754 BCE),

all but the core headquarters staff of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. were incinerated,

causing the first name change of the organization: SubGenius Promoters,

Universal Thought Unit (Mourning). Even more unfortunately, the Fall of

Atlantis in 26,876 BCE forced a radical reorganization of the clan. Bereft

of all contact with the surface for many years (due to the specialized

genetic engineering required to live at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean in

the Hidden Kingdom), the SubGenius Promoters found their organization

evolving rapidly. Due to the environmental hardships and material scarcity

the Atlantean survivors faced, S.P.(U.T.U.)M. was called upon more and more

by the Bees that Power to take on an enforcement role. Accordingly, at the

Synod of B'lak Mer (26,801 BCE), the SubGenius Police, Underwater Tactical

Unit (Marine) was formed, to great rejoicing among Yetinsyny. For many

years thereafter, no giant squid or plesiosaur (of which many survive to

this day in the icy waters of the Atlantic) was safe from the thermonuclear-

powered attack subs of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.

As the saying goes, march timed on, and the survivors of Atlantis

gradually genetically reengineered their way back to the surface

(interestingly enough, in the region currently known as the Basque

homeland). Of course, to their horror, they discovered that, in the

intervening centuries, the proliferation of hundreds of thousands of

Pink Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal hyoomins had progressed alarmingly,

unchecked by the periodic culling that the Atlantean Directorate of

Merehume Relations had previously organized. "This is not good," they

stated laconically, readying plasma grenades for a final cleansing of the


But then, they paused. According to standard protocols, they

transmitted a final request for S.P.(U.T.U.)M. 0's formal authorization for

weapons release. Her unexpected reply echoes still in our Yetinsyny hearts:

"Let she who is without taint lob the first missile." Stunned silence


Unit XVI, ever the warrior, responded: "What the hell?"

"You heard me, 16," Unit 0 stated peremptorily. "Is "B'o'b" better

served by blowing these Pinks to A'OLL, or by joining them with our newly

engineered external appearances and subverting their stultifyingly NORMAL

existences for Slack's sake? Hmmm?"

16 stared into his surgically-implanted wrist comm unit. "But..."

"Yeah, speaking of which, turn around and examine yours," Unit 0

commanded. "Do you see a rich Yeti coat of hair? Or do you just see *pink*


Unit XVI knew when he was whupped. "Roger, powering down quantum

rifles. Awaiting word from Unit 0 for new orders. 16 out."

"Attention to orders," Unit 0 declaimed in her rich soprano voice,

"There are no orders. We recommend you scatter, infiltrate, subvert, and

watch for the coming of the Xists. I feel that we shall one day be called

again to reunite just before X-Day for the Cleansing we all feel is

needed...but for now, that penultimate duty remains a mystery."

And thus, the SubGenius Police, Underwater Tactical Unit (Marine),

was transformed into the SubGenius Police, Ultimate Task Unknown (Mobile).

For 15,000 years thereafter, "men" and "women" arose who seemed far *more*

than human-- Akhenaton, Alexander, Sun Tzu, Alexander, Plato, Cleopatra,

Calligula, Charlemagne, Nostradamus, Tokugawa Ieyasu, Frederick the Great,

Napoleon, Florence Nightengale, Shaka Zulu, and so forth. It can now be

stated, for the record, that S.P.(U.T.U.)M. claims no little credit for

their proud, and yet, sadly, often self-destructive Yetinsyny

contributions to the current world order.

Why were so many Yetinsyny descendants of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.

self-destructive, you ask? Clearly, they were all searching, in

individual ways, for the Unknown Ultimate Task that would reunite their

blood kin for the Cleansing of Pinkness that Ancient Prophecy foretold

would assuredly precede X-Day. Remember, gentle reader, the exact TIMING

of X-Day was not promulgated outside of the Himalayan Council of None

until the publication of the Book of the SubGenius in 1983 CE. Thus,

each individual Yetinsyny sought to create the circumstances around herself

which would lead to that Great Convocation of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.

Next, we must briefly turn to a dark passage in the history of the

SubGenius Police. In the 1920s and 1930s, a small band of Yetinsyny,

seeking to hasten the Convocation, formed an unauthorized group calling

itself the SubGenius Polizei, Uebermensch Taktische Untereinheit

(Manoevrierfaehig). Their atrocities in the service of debased and

debasing National Socialist ideology will not be mentioned here. They are

only noted in passing because their efficacy and brutality made clear to

all SubGenii worldwide that such rogue bands must not be permitted to roam

the Earth, until and unless the Unknown Ultimate Task be revealed.

Accordingly, the hitherto scattered Yetinsyny remnants of the *one true*

S.P.(U.T.U.)M. reunited briefly in February, 1945 at the Council of Yalta

(with appropriate Pink political pictures submitted to the news services

as cover), in order to create a Final Solution for those who would impose

brutal Final Solutions on innocent hyoomins and Yetinsyny. Thus, the

SubGenius Police arose from the ashes of World War II, to chase the

heretics of the Nazi splinter-S.P.(U.T.U.)M. to their deaths or into

hiding (remnants of the SubGenius Polizei, Uruguayan Taktische Untereinheit

[Missgelaunt] are rumored to remain in hiding in South America to this day).

In the end, when the last rogue Yetinsyn twitched her legs in the

scaffolding and fell still, the leader of the conquering group, Unit 4,

declared the New Path for S.P.(U.T.U.)M. They would all go into hiding,

he said, every last surviving descendant of the original Atlantean

S.P.(U.T.U.)M., in order to await the signal that the Ultimate Unknown

Task was at hand. Accordingly, they made their way by plane, boat, car,

and horseback to an ancient Atlantean base located in the small town of

Wabowden, Manitoba, Canada, there to begin the Great Freeze which predated

the Cold War by mere days. Except for a few chosen Units who had

volunteered to stay behind as Sentinels, The SubGenius Police, Unthawed

Tactical Unit (Manitoba) remained in cryogenic hibernation, awaiting the

sign from Connie that the End of Pinkness was near.


During the Freeze-- [SubNectivity] is born:


Though time stood still for the 42 Immortals encased in their

hermetically-sealed Atlantean cryogenic pods, time kept on slipping

slipping slipping for the rest of the world. Life was harsh for those

who remained above ground. Unit 4 and the rest of the Sentinels tasked to

look for the Sign had no choice but to endure the hardships engendered by

the Red Scare, "I Love Lucy", the "Monkees", bell bottoms, Richard M. Nixon,

disco, Billy Carter, The Brat Pack, and "Who's the Boss". Undeterred, they

moved from city to city in the dark of night, searching for the modus

vivendi that would enable them to reanimate their comrades.

Meanwhile, in the ancient capital of Japan, Kyoto, Dr. Shigoto

Muzukashii was hard at work perfecting the mechanism for his thought-

transference matrix, which he called the "Thought-Transferrence Matrix".

Consisting of thousands of microfilament titanium tendrils inserted

percutaneously into the subject's frontal cortex and limbic lobes, the TTM

enabled the actual networking of hominid consciousness. Unfortunately, the

first few tests on sake-toxic visiting American businessmen "volunteers"

went horribly wrong ...complete mind-wipe occurred, resulting in the

subjects' inability to carry on any mental activity whatsoever. Happily,

this more than qualified them for their future careers as game show hosts

and directors of marketing for Apple Computer Corporation. Dr. Muzukashii

fell into a deep depression, and, as a retired WWII Naval officer,

contemplated ritual seppuku.

Before taking that irrevocable step, however, he decided to consult

the ancient Oracle of the shrine of Amaterasu at Ise for guidance. Climbing

slowly up the holy staircase dating back to the pre-historic Uji period, the

Professor carefully formulated the question he wished to ask the Sun

Goddess. Stepping suddenly out of the sunlight into the mysterious shadows

of the Naiku (inner shrine), he was transported mentally two hundred million

years into the past, back to the Creation of the Japanese Islands from the

shimmering waters and hissing foam of the maternal sea. Before him stood

the huge, polished bronze mirror of Truth, which legend states Amaterasu

used in her personal toilette, before bestowing it upon the people of

Yamoto as a blessing, that they may also know the way of things to come.

"O Heaven-Shining-Great-August-Diety, Amaterasu-o-hiru-me no Mikoto, show

me what I must do to bring my life's work to fruition!" The mirror began to

cloud, as if with sea fog, then cleared to blinding brightness for a moment.

The visions began. There, in the Mystical Mirror, he beheld many wondrous

sights: the spreading of an international network of Light to connect the

peoples of the globe; the creation of microchips to give computing power to

the masses; the fall of Communism; and Unit IV's hairy visage standing

behind him.

"Grrreetings, Professor," the 3 meter tall Yetinsyn said with an

appropriate bow, "or should I say, 'hajimemash'te, doozo yorosh'ku'?"

Dr. Muzukashii turned with a start, his scientific inquisitiveness

overcoming his initial shock and revulsion, "A, so des' ka?... A sasquatch

....but, no, the cranium, the, uh, external genitalia, you are...a mutant?"

"Correctimundo, mon ami," the Yetinsyn said with a wave of his hand.

His two Yetinsyny warrior companions switched off their inviso fields, and

stepped up to surround the Japanese researcher. "But now, to business, sir.

We understand that your invention fries the brains of ordinary humans."

Dr. Muzukashii hung his head. "Yes, it is true. No one can tolerate

the sheer mental stimulation of telepathic networking and live."

"I wouldn't say that, Doc," Unit IV said, as he motioned for the

professor to join him on a walk across the legend-soaked, wind-swept island.

Three inviso suits hummed into action. A bystander that gentle spring day

would have only seen a frail patrician scientist gesticulating animatedly

to himself, as cherry blossoms showered like butterfly rain in the crisp

sea air. "You see," Unit IV continued, his basso profundo voice moderated

by the sonic circuitry of the inviso suit, "our legends say that our

ancestors in Mu and Atlantis used a similar device with no harmful effects.

Unfortunately, during the Fall of Atlantis, the technology was lost. We

have come to offer ourselves as guinea pigs, as it were, for the

continuation of your work."

"And, if we succeed," Professor Muzukashii asked, his eyes narrowing

with no little suspicion, "what are your intentions."

"Good question. We're not 100% sure yet. But, when the day arises

that our SubGenius organization is reunited, we shall need an ultra-secure

method of instantaneous communication, which cannot possibly be subverted by

a mere offense, Doc."

"None taken," the modest scientist murmured, his mind engaged in

more important issues. "We shall have to increase the size of the headset,

and amplify the neuronal gain, and check your Positron Emission Tomography

for serotonergic resonance levels, and..."

"That's the spirit, Doc...I am sure that Amaterasu herself will

be proud of your legacy," Unit IV said, slapping the professor on the

shoulder heartily, thus fracturing the scientist's right scapula and

acromioclavicular joint.

"Ow," the professor said, lying on the ground staring up at the

crystalline blue sky above his beloved Yamoto. "You made me lose my train

of thought, Mr. Sasquatch. Now, take me to the nearest hospital, and do

try to be *quiet* on the way."

[Note: A picture of the first successful test of what was to become

known as the [SubNectivity] wetware interface is available on the

S.P.(U.T.U.)M. website ( as




The Modern History of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.: 1996 to X-Day


On Sunday, 26 May, 1996, the conditions for the Great Thaw of the Frozen

Hordes of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. were made manifest.


[to be continued...]