Subject: The Damned True History of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. for ICEKNIFE
Date: 25 Mar 1997 00:00:00 GMT
From: SubGeniusPolice@Slack!!.org (SubGenius Police)
Reply-To: Unit 0 (Control)
[Publish, perish, whatever. Just do *not* mourn for Varro!]
The True History of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.
SubGenius Police, Usenet Tactical Unit (Mobile)
CopyLeft (L) 1997, The SubGenius Police
[Somewhere deep inside the earth under Jersey City, New Jersey]
Unit VII had just settled down to his quadruppio espresso when the
spam hit the fan. His screen showed thousands of IP packets containing
multiple misspellings surging out of Mississippi like a swarm of poisonous
crimson fire ants. "Damn, not *that Bozo* again," he sighed, firing up his
cybernetic [SubNectivity] link to the SubGPoMan network. The reddish glow
of the tactical lighting in the SputCentral Ops Command Post reflected
eerily from his steel grey eyes. There would be hell to pay tonight.
[Message Unit 0, Priority Code Alpha], he thought.
[Authenticate mental signature.], the automated SubNectivity Connection Daemon replied.
[Bulldada Internet Tactical Engineers, Merehume Exposure Element],
Unit VII thought with precisely the correct emphasis on each word.
[Pass. Unit 0 offline], the cybernetic transponder reported in its
sexy, Japanese-accented mental voice, [Unit 1 standing by for flash
Unit VII chortled grimly...even better. The Magus was _not_ one to
offer quarter to net.abusers. [Acknowledged. Transfer.]
[Unit I here. What's up, big guy?] The Magus' familiar mental aura
filled Unit VII with a mixture of adoration and sick dread.
[Sir, it's Enlo* again...this time, he's using an AOL throwaway
account to post annoying messages to alt.binaries.slack.]
[<Mental sigh> Well, have the artists already made him?]
[Can't have, sir-- the post just hit the backbone from news.aol.com;
won't make it to individual ISP news servers for several minutes.]
[Roger. Recommend standard procedure 9. <Mental Emphasis>]
[Nine? You mean, let our artists humiliate him by outing his
stupid throwaway account, and then posting hilarious artwork parodying his
stupidity? I mean, can't we launch just ONE nanotech drone toward
Mississipi, just to see which of his Commodore 64's he's using tonight?],
Unit VII begged.
[Negative. Target not worth it. Sufficient intel already collected
in January via that route. Unit 0 has given strict instructions that
advanced hardware be reserved for *important* targets. Implement 9. Magus
Out.], and with that, the mental link with Unit I was severed.
"Damn," Unit VII muttered, as the spammer's TCP/IP packets made
their way unhindered through various NAPs into news servers around the
world, "sometimes it's just *no fun at all* being the good guys."
In the Beginning:
The history of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. reaches back to the dawn of the
SubGenius Yetinsyny heritage. In 258,969 BCE, the Atlantean SubGenius
Council finally recognized the need for an outreach to their brethren on
the Pacific continent of Mu. Therefore, in a proclamation made public on
the 7th month of the 7th year of the rein of Emperor D'yyna, the SubGenius
Council of None announced the formation of the SubGenius Promoters,
Universal Thought Unit (Mu). The first Unit 0, T'arla'a S'tarr, summarized
the purpose of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. in the first interview she granted the
Atlantean News Service: "We here at S.P.(U.T.U.)M. serve as an underground
force for "B'o'b" in these degenerate latter days. We seek reconciliation
among all Yetinsyny factions, and desperately urge all left-minded
SubGenii to unite in our struggle against Pinks, in whatever locality or
incarnation we may find them."
Unfortunately, when the entire Empire of Mu was physically
translated into the sun at the end of the First Xist War (156,754 BCE),
all but the core headquarters staff of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. were incinerated,
causing the first name change of the organization: SubGenius Promoters,
Universal Thought Unit (Mourning). Even more unfortunately, the Fall of
Atlantis in 26,876 BCE forced a radical reorganization of the clan. Bereft
of all contact with the surface for many years (due to the specialized
genetic engineering required to live at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean in
the Hidden Kingdom), the SubGenius Promoters found their organization
evolving rapidly. Due to the environmental hardships and material scarcity
the Atlantean survivors faced, S.P.(U.T.U.)M. was called upon more and more
by the Bees that Power to take on an enforcement role. Accordingly, at the
Synod of B'lak Mer (26,801 BCE), the SubGenius Police, Underwater Tactical
Unit (Marine) was formed, to great rejoicing among Yetinsyny. For many
years thereafter, no giant squid or plesiosaur (of which many survive to
this day in the icy waters of the Atlantic) was safe from the thermonuclear-
powered attack subs of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.
As the saying goes, march timed on, and the survivors of Atlantis
gradually genetically reengineered their way back to the surface
(interestingly enough, in the region currently known as the Basque
homeland). Of course, to their horror, they discovered that, in the
intervening centuries, the proliferation of hundreds of thousands of
Pink Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal hyoomins had progressed alarmingly,
unchecked by the periodic culling that the Atlantean Directorate of
Merehume Relations had previously organized. "This is not good," they
stated laconically, readying plasma grenades for a final cleansing of the
But then, they paused. According to standard protocols, they
transmitted a final request for S.P.(U.T.U.)M. 0's formal authorization for
weapons release. Her unexpected reply echoes still in our Yetinsyny hearts:
"Let she who is without taint lob the first missile." Stunned silence
Unit XVI, ever the warrior, responded: "What the hell?"
"You heard me, 16," Unit 0 stated peremptorily. "Is "B'o'b" better
served by blowing these Pinks to A'OLL, or by joining them with our newly
engineered external appearances and subverting their stultifyingly NORMAL
existences for Slack's sake? Hmmm?"
16 stared into his surgically-implanted wrist comm unit. "But..."
"Yeah, speaking of which, turn around and examine yours," Unit 0
commanded. "Do you see a rich Yeti coat of hair? Or do you just see *pink*
Unit XVI knew when he was whupped. "Roger, powering down quantum
rifles. Awaiting word from Unit 0 for new orders. 16 out."
"Attention to orders," Unit 0 declaimed in her rich soprano voice,
"There are no orders. We recommend you scatter, infiltrate, subvert, and
watch for the coming of the Xists. I feel that we shall one day be called
again to reunite just before X-Day for the Cleansing we all feel is
needed...but for now, that penultimate duty remains a mystery."
And thus, the SubGenius Police, Underwater Tactical Unit (Marine),
was transformed into the SubGenius Police, Ultimate Task Unknown (Mobile).
For 15,000 years thereafter, "men" and "women" arose who seemed far *more*
than human-- Akhenaton, Alexander, Sun Tzu, Alexander, Plato, Cleopatra,
Calligula, Charlemagne, Nostradamus, Tokugawa Ieyasu, Frederick the Great,
Napoleon, Florence Nightengale, Shaka Zulu, and so forth. It can now be
stated, for the record, that S.P.(U.T.U.)M. claims no little credit for
their proud, and yet, sadly, often self-destructive Yetinsyny
contributions to the current world order.
Why were so many Yetinsyny descendants of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.
self-destructive, you ask? Clearly, they were all searching, in
individual ways, for the Unknown Ultimate Task that would reunite their
blood kin for the Cleansing of Pinkness that Ancient Prophecy foretold
would assuredly precede X-Day. Remember, gentle reader, the exact TIMING
of X-Day was not promulgated outside of the Himalayan Council of None
until the publication of the Book of the SubGenius in 1983 CE. Thus,
each individual Yetinsyny sought to create the circumstances around herself
which would lead to that Great Convocation of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.
Next, we must briefly turn to a dark passage in the history of the
SubGenius Police. In the 1920s and 1930s, a small band of Yetinsyny,
seeking to hasten the Convocation, formed an unauthorized group calling
itself the SubGenius Polizei, Uebermensch Taktische Untereinheit
(Manoevrierfaehig). Their atrocities in the service of debased and
debasing National Socialist ideology will not be mentioned here. They are
only noted in passing because their efficacy and brutality made clear to
all SubGenii worldwide that such rogue bands must not be permitted to roam
the Earth, until and unless the Unknown Ultimate Task be revealed.
Accordingly, the hitherto scattered Yetinsyny remnants of the *one true*
S.P.(U.T.U.)M. reunited briefly in February, 1945 at the Council of Yalta
(with appropriate Pink political pictures submitted to the news services
as cover), in order to create a Final Solution for those who would impose
brutal Final Solutions on innocent hyoomins and Yetinsyny. Thus, the
SubGenius Police arose from the ashes of World War II, to chase the
heretics of the Nazi splinter-S.P.(U.T.U.)M. to their deaths or into
hiding (remnants of the SubGenius Polizei, Uruguayan Taktische Untereinheit
[Missgelaunt] are rumored to remain in hiding in South America to this day).
In the end, when the last rogue Yetinsyn twitched her legs in the
scaffolding and fell still, the leader of the conquering group, Unit 4,
declared the New Path for S.P.(U.T.U.)M. They would all go into hiding,
he said, every last surviving descendant of the original Atlantean
S.P.(U.T.U.)M., in order to await the signal that the Ultimate Unknown
Task was at hand. Accordingly, they made their way by plane, boat, car,
and horseback to an ancient Atlantean base located in the small town of
Wabowden, Manitoba, Canada, there to begin the Great Freeze which predated
the Cold War by mere days. Except for a few chosen Units who had
volunteered to stay behind as Sentinels, The SubGenius Police, Unthawed
Tactical Unit (Manitoba) remained in cryogenic hibernation, awaiting the
sign from Connie that the End of Pinkness was near.
During the Freeze-- [SubNectivity] is born:
Though time stood still for the 42 Immortals encased in their
hermetically-sealed Atlantean cryogenic pods, time kept on slipping
slipping slipping for the rest of the world. Life was harsh for those
who remained above ground. Unit 4 and the rest of the Sentinels tasked to
look for the Sign had no choice but to endure the hardships engendered by
the Red Scare, "I Love Lucy", the "Monkees", bell bottoms, Richard M. Nixon,
disco, Billy Carter, The Brat Pack, and "Who's the Boss". Undeterred, they
moved from city to city in the dark of night, searching for the modus
vivendi that would enable them to reanimate their comrades.
Meanwhile, in the ancient capital of Japan, Kyoto, Dr. Shigoto
Muzukashii was hard at work perfecting the mechanism for his thought-
transference matrix, which he called the "Thought-Transferrence Matrix".
Consisting of thousands of microfilament titanium tendrils inserted
percutaneously into the subject's frontal cortex and limbic lobes, the TTM
enabled the actual networking of hominid consciousness. Unfortunately, the
first few tests on sake-toxic visiting American businessmen "volunteers"
went horribly wrong ...complete mind-wipe occurred, resulting in the
subjects' inability to carry on any mental activity whatsoever. Happily,
this more than qualified them for their future careers as game show hosts
and directors of marketing for Apple Computer Corporation. Dr. Muzukashii
fell into a deep depression, and, as a retired WWII Naval officer,
contemplated ritual seppuku.
Before taking that irrevocable step, however, he decided to consult
the ancient Oracle of the shrine of Amaterasu at Ise for guidance. Climbing
slowly up the holy staircase dating back to the pre-historic Uji period, the
Professor carefully formulated the question he wished to ask the Sun
Goddess. Stepping suddenly out of the sunlight into the mysterious shadows
of the Naiku (inner shrine), he was transported mentally two hundred million
years into the past, back to the Creation of the Japanese Islands from the
shimmering waters and hissing foam of the maternal sea. Before him stood
the huge, polished bronze mirror of Truth, which legend states Amaterasu
used in her personal toilette, before bestowing it upon the people of
Yamoto as a blessing, that they may also know the way of things to come.
"O Heaven-Shining-Great-August-Diety, Amaterasu-o-hiru-me no Mikoto, show
me what I must do to bring my life's work to fruition!" The mirror began to
cloud, as if with sea fog, then cleared to blinding brightness for a moment.
The visions began. There, in the Mystical Mirror, he beheld many wondrous
sights: the spreading of an international network of Light to connect the
peoples of the globe; the creation of microchips to give computing power to
the masses; the fall of Communism; and Unit IV's hairy visage standing
"Grrreetings, Professor," the 3 meter tall Yetinsyn said with an
appropriate bow, "or should I say, 'hajimemash'te, doozo yorosh'ku'?"
Dr. Muzukashii turned with a start, his scientific inquisitiveness
overcoming his initial shock and revulsion, "A, so des' ka?... A sasquatch
....but, no, the cranium, the, uh, external genitalia, you are...a mutant?"
"Correctimundo, mon ami," the Yetinsyn said with a wave of his hand.
His two Yetinsyny warrior companions switched off their inviso fields, and
stepped up to surround the Japanese researcher. "But now, to business, sir.
We understand that your invention fries the brains of ordinary humans."
Dr. Muzukashii hung his head. "Yes, it is true. No one can tolerate
the sheer mental stimulation of telepathic networking and live."
"I wouldn't say that, Doc," Unit IV said, as he motioned for the
professor to join him on a walk across the legend-soaked, wind-swept island.
Three inviso suits hummed into action. A bystander that gentle spring day
would have only seen a frail patrician scientist gesticulating animatedly
to himself, as cherry blossoms showered like butterfly rain in the crisp
sea air. "You see," Unit IV continued, his basso profundo voice moderated
by the sonic circuitry of the inviso suit, "our legends say that our
ancestors in Mu and Atlantis used a similar device with no harmful effects.
Unfortunately, during the Fall of Atlantis, the technology was lost. We
have come to offer ourselves as guinea pigs, as it were, for the
continuation of your work."
"And, if we succeed," Professor Muzukashii asked, his eyes narrowing
with no little suspicion, "what are your intentions."
"Good question. We're not 100% sure yet. But, when the day arises
that our SubGenius organization is reunited, we shall need an ultra-secure
method of instantaneous communication, which cannot possibly be subverted by
a mere human...no offense, Doc."
"None taken," the modest scientist murmured, his mind engaged in
more important issues. "We shall have to increase the size of the headset,
and amplify the neuronal gain, and check your Positron Emission Tomography
for serotonergic resonance levels, and..."
"That's the spirit, Doc...I am sure that Amaterasu herself will
be proud of your legacy," Unit IV said, slapping the professor on the
shoulder heartily, thus fracturing the scientist's right scapula and
"Ow," the professor said, lying on the ground staring up at the
crystalline blue sky above his beloved Yamoto. "You made me lose my train
of thought, Mr. Sasquatch. Now, take me to the nearest hospital, and do
try to be *quiet* on the way."
[Note: A picture of the first successful test of what was to become
known as the [SubNectivity] wetware interface is available on the
S.P.(U.T.U.)M. website (http://www.rlabs.com/sputum/sputart.html) as
The Modern History of S.P.(U.T.U.)M.: 1996 to X-Day
On Sunday, 26 May, 1996, the conditions for the Great Thaw of the Frozen
Hordes of S.P.(U.T.U.)M. were made manifest.
[to be continued...]