>Hey, Faggot:

>I was reading your column recently, and noticed the letter from "Dodging Bullets," the woman who has a

>colostomy bag and an inconsiderate boyfriend. I am not qualified to give advice on her sex life, but I may be able

to help her lose the colostomy bag.

 

>I work for American Medical Systems in Minnetonka, Minnesota. AMS is a medical-device manufacturer which is

currently recruiting candidates for implementation of a new Artificial Bowel Sphincter (ABS). This device is a

permanent implant which closes the lower intestine until the patient pumps it open to allow waste to pass through.

The ABS is currently sold in Europe and Asia. It is under clinical evaluation in the U.S. and will be put before the

FDA for regulatory approval later this year.

 

>"Dodging Bullets" can call AMS at 800/328-3881 and request to speak with someone regarding ABS clinical-trial

enrollment

 

>Jeffrey Lechner-Riehle

 

>Operations Engineer

 

>American Medical Systems

 

>Hey, Everybody:

>My first thought reading Jeff's letter was this: "Oh, the brave new world that has Artificial Bowel Sphincters in it!"

My second thought: How exactly do faux bungholios work? "A ring-shaped balloon called a cuff is placed around

the lower part of the bowel, just a little bit higher than the natural sphincter," said Jeff, when I called him at his

office. "Another balloon is placed in the abdominal cavity, and the two balloons are connected to a pump. When the

patient pumps the pump, fluid is drawn out of the cuff and up into the balloon in the abdomen. The cuff opens, and

waste can pass out of the bowel. Then fluid flows back down into the cuff automatically, closing off the bowel."

 

>And where's the pump? "For males, it's placed in the scrotum, and for females, in the labia." How big is it? "It's the

size of a small matchbox. It's flat, about an inch long, half an inch wide, and a quarter of an inch thick."

 

>Okay, let's say you're a woman, you're having sex, and your guy grinds up against the pump implanted in your

labia. Will your Artificial Bowel Sphincter pop open, causing you to crap all over the bed? "It wouldn't be very easy

to accidentally open your cuff. It's theoretically possible, but even if you did squeeze the pump accidentally, it takes

several pumps to deflate the cuff. If you don't keep pumping, the cuff re-fills."

 

>Now, I know what you pervs out there are thinking: Can the faux-sphinctered engage in anal sex? "I don't see why

not," said Jeff. "If any pressure is put directly on the cuff, the fluid flows into the other balloon. So I don't think you

would damage the apparatus" during entry. What about during the fucking? "The ff won't shut, but it will refill as

much as it can." Then the cuff grips the penis? "Well, um, yes..." So, what you're telling us, Jeff old buddy, is that

the Artificial Bowel Sphincter may actually enhance the anal-sex experience? "Well, no. Or maybe. Look, there

probably wouldn't be enough pressure that you could actually feel it, but you might. The ABS can be stronger than

the natural sphincter muscle. Some people with the implant don't even pass wind unless they pump themselves

open." So they're pretty tight, those Artificial Bowel Sphincters? "Yes."

 

>Well, when I heard that, I thought to myself, hey, it's only May and my Christmas shopping is done! But before I

could get Jeff off the phone and call the boyfriend (to tell him what Santa is bringing him this Christmas), Jeff burst

my bubble. "No sane person is going to get this done for no good reason. It is a surgical procedure. The ABS is for

someone who's paralyzed, or has nerve damage," and not for someone who happens to be my perfectly healthy

boyfriend. "If you have a colostomy bag, or you leak and have to wear diapers, it can be hard to hold a job--you

might smell bad--and it can cause problems in relationships. The ABS is for these people. It restores them so they

don't have to leak." And not leaking, as Miss Martha Stewart might say, is a good thing.