Subject: working title

Date: 04 Mar 1999 00:00:00 GMT

From: "kevbob" <>

Organization: not enough

Newsgroups: alt.slack



so a blonde walked into a bar and the barkeep was a peanut eating a monkey.


nevermind, i think i told that one before.


it's hard not to OBSESS over the little things. right now, for an instance,

i can't not help but wrack my mind over the fact that i can't think of a

name. all i ever use is johnny. an average/anonymous enough name, certes,

and yet a name is not important, and yet, verily, a name is the fundament



if i do not call it a pillow, if i call it by another name, is it not as

soft and comforting as it was before i renamed it? this has been a debate

amongst the intellectual effete for, well, ever. and yet the answer is a

resounding and obvious: of course it would, dumbass.


yet, how can that knowledge of pillowness be conVEYED to another, without

the use of the word pillow. it doesn't work if i call it "that soft thing i

lay my head on on my bed when i'm tired and go to sleep or am not tired but

am trying to go to sleep and when i wake up there's a pool of drowl

there..." i KNOW it doesn't work, because i have an annoyingly uncanny

ability to FORGET the most trivial name for something when i'm trying to

talk, speak, or write and the affect of "her visage did sear my eyes as the

sun" is not NEAR equak to the effect of "her visage did sear my as that, um,

big bright ball of fire that's in the sky during the day and gone at night,

unless there's an eclipse, cuz then the moon will cover it up, but you know

what i'm talking about, right? so, you wanna go to the movies?"


and so, i feel as though i want to say something, but i can't remember what

it is i wanted to say, becuase i can't start, because i can't think of a



so, anways, johnny was going to school one day, and he was at the bus stop,

and it was cold, it was butt-ass cold, it was so cold that when you cay Cold

with the C capitalized people think of that day when they think of Cold.


so, there he is, and he's waiting for the bus, and he's humming a song he

doesn't know, and he's staring at the bus stop pole. it's about 20 feet

down from the "Caution, Slow Children" sign which has subconsciously been

pissing him off since he's learned to read because he's not stupid but the

other kids on the block are and he feels, without understanding it, that

sign in some way slights him. the bus stop pole, though, right now, or

then, is all that he is thinking about.


well, it would be incorrect to say that he's thinking only about the pole,

but the pole IS what he is thinking about, as he is wondering what would

happen if he stuck his tounge on the pole.


now, johnny isn't stupid, and johnny knows what will happen when he sticks

his tounge on that old school bus stop pole. it will freeze there, and he

will enter a kingdom of SUCK that he has yet to experience as of yet.


now, johnny is a pretty well adjusted kid, all things considered, and in the

case of johnny, there is a hell of a lot of things to be all considered at

once, but he knows which side the toast is buttered on, the top, and he

knows which side he wants to toast to be buttered on, both, and he knows

that the starving kids in africa don't even have any toast to be buttered,







but, he realizes there's a problem here, and starts to freak the living

bejeezus out of him.


see, johnny's never stuck his tounge on a metal pole during the coldest day

of the year before. see, johnny's never stuck his tounge on a metal pole

before, PERIOD, although, as he thinks about this, he decides that once the

situation is moot and it's warm out that he will, in fact, stick his tounge

on a pole, just so that when this all happens again, he won't have to deal

with all that.


see, johnny doesn't even KNOW anybody who's stuck his tounge on a metal pole

before. hell, johnny's never even heard OF someone who's done it.


yet, there he is, staring at a metal pole, freezing his ass off through his

Tuffskins, seeing just how Suckilific it would be to stick his tounge on

that metal pole.


and he catches the notion that he is only imaging that he is sticking his

tounge on the metal pole and the bus drives by and the bus driver has to

finally say something on the bus driver cb channel and they'd have to call

the ambulance out to pry his tounge off but the town is such a small town

that the ambulance isn't going to have the proper tounge removal equipment

and their going to have to get the national guard out but they can't spell

potatoes let alone tounge and that then their going to


and all the while he is thinking all these deep johnny school boy thoughts,

he is just standing there. now, it's really cold, it's Cold cold, and as

everyone knows about Cold cold, the only way it gets that Cold is if there's

a breeze. well, suddenly that breeze became a gust and little johnny fell

off the curb into the street.


just as the bus came by.



now, the moral of this story should be fairly obvious, but we'll see why it

isn't when we get to it. See, the world isn't full of idiots merely to

inconvenience you. no, there is no huge plot to plague you in your day to

day life.




the reason the world is full of idiots, is because all the smart people are

dead, because they went to public school.