Subject: working title
Date: 04 Mar 1999 00:00:00 GMT
From: "kevbob" <kevbob.ALLSPAM@ecsis.net>
Organization: not enough
so a blonde walked into a bar and the barkeep was a peanut eating a monkey.
nevermind, i think i told that one before.
it's hard not to OBSESS over the little things. right now, for an instance,
i can't not help but wrack my mind over the fact that i can't think of a
name. all i ever use is johnny. an average/anonymous enough name, certes,
and yet a name is not important, and yet, verily, a name is the fundament
if i do not call it a pillow, if i call it by another name, is it not as
soft and comforting as it was before i renamed it? this has been a debate
amongst the intellectual effete for, well, ever. and yet the answer is a
resounding and obvious: of course it would, dumbass.
yet, how can that knowledge of pillowness be conVEYED to another, without
the use of the word pillow. it doesn't work if i call it "that soft thing i
lay my head on on my bed when i'm tired and go to sleep or am not tired but
am trying to go to sleep and when i wake up there's a pool of drowl
there..." i KNOW it doesn't work, because i have an annoyingly uncanny
ability to FORGET the most trivial name for something when i'm trying to
talk, speak, or write and the affect of "her visage did sear my eyes as the
sun" is not NEAR equak to the effect of "her visage did sear my as that, um,
big bright ball of fire that's in the sky during the day and gone at night,
unless there's an eclipse, cuz then the moon will cover it up, but you know
what i'm talking about, right? so, you wanna go to the movies?"
and so, i feel as though i want to say something, but i can't remember what
it is i wanted to say, becuase i can't start, because i can't think of a
so, anways, johnny was going to school one day, and he was at the bus stop,
and it was cold, it was butt-ass cold, it was so cold that when you cay Cold
with the C capitalized people think of that day when they think of Cold.
so, there he is, and he's waiting for the bus, and he's humming a song he
doesn't know, and he's staring at the bus stop pole. it's about 20 feet
down from the "Caution, Slow Children" sign which has subconsciously been
pissing him off since he's learned to read because he's not stupid but the
other kids on the block are and he feels, without understanding it, that
sign in some way slights him. the bus stop pole, though, right now, or
then, is all that he is thinking about.
well, it would be incorrect to say that he's thinking only about the pole,
but the pole IS what he is thinking about, as he is wondering what would
happen if he stuck his tounge on the pole.
now, johnny isn't stupid, and johnny knows what will happen when he sticks
his tounge on that old school bus stop pole. it will freeze there, and he
will enter a kingdom of SUCK that he has yet to experience as of yet.
now, johnny is a pretty well adjusted kid, all things considered, and in the
case of johnny, there is a hell of a lot of things to be all considered at
once, but he knows which side the toast is buttered on, the top, and he
knows which side he wants to toast to be buttered on, both, and he knows
that the starving kids in africa don't even have any toast to be buttered,
but, he realizes there's a problem here, and starts to freak the living
bejeezus out of him.
see, johnny's never stuck his tounge on a metal pole during the coldest day
of the year before. see, johnny's never stuck his tounge on a metal pole
before, PERIOD, although, as he thinks about this, he decides that once the
situation is moot and it's warm out that he will, in fact, stick his tounge
on a pole, just so that when this all happens again, he won't have to deal
with all that.
see, johnny doesn't even KNOW anybody who's stuck his tounge on a metal pole
before. hell, johnny's never even heard OF someone who's done it.
yet, there he is, staring at a metal pole, freezing his ass off through his
Tuffskins, seeing just how Suckilific it would be to stick his tounge on
that metal pole.
and he catches the notion that he is only imaging that he is sticking his
tounge on the metal pole and the bus drives by and the bus driver has to
finally say something on the bus driver cb channel and they'd have to call
the ambulance out to pry his tounge off but the town is such a small town
that the ambulance isn't going to have the proper tounge removal equipment
and their going to have to get the national guard out but they can't spell
potatoes let alone tounge and that then their going to
and all the while he is thinking all these deep johnny school boy thoughts,
he is just standing there. now, it's really cold, it's Cold cold, and as
everyone knows about Cold cold, the only way it gets that Cold is if there's
a breeze. well, suddenly that breeze became a gust and little johnny fell
off the curb into the street.
just as the bus came by.
now, the moral of this story should be fairly obvious, but we'll see why it
isn't when we get to it. See, the world isn't full of idiots merely to
inconvenience you. no, there is no huge plot to plague you in your day to
the reason the world is full of idiots, is because all the smart people are
dead, because they went to public school.