Subject: Stang still in pain
Date: 18 Apr 1996 00:00:00 GMT
From: email@example.com (gg gordon)
Ivan Stang, self-proclaimed 'scribe' of the Church of the
Sub-Genius is resting in the proctology ward of the County Hospital
where he is undergoing reconstructive rectal surgery. Stang was admitted
in severe condition last Sunday evening after his return from a church
meeting in Austin.
According to Stang his nether regions were damaged by
flying glass while he desperately tried to avoid hitting a child
on a bicycle and was thus involved in a severe automobile accident.
However, other reliable sources have reported that Stang's injuries
occured at the hands of the 'meanies' during a heated discussion
about church policy and protocols. Stang attempted to throw his
weight around and as a result found himself sexually ASSaulted rather
savagely by the very preachers he had come to chastise and discipline.
Doctors reported the damage as 'sexually induced trauma'.
This humbling and humiliating experience lasted most of Saturday night,
and the semi-conscious Stang returned to Dallas in the back seat
of his car, lying on his stomach with ice packs on his anal region.
According to Jesus who did the driving, Stang cried a lot and
complained about 'those big guys' most of the way, likening his
experience to that one time the bigeyed aliens snatched him out
of his bed one night and took him aboard a UFO where he received a
scary and painful rectal examination and probing.
"But at least the aliens lubed me up first, more than I can
say for those damned Doktors," Stang told Jesus.
Doctors at the hospital said Stang's prognosis and prosthesis
were both looking good."He'll be shitting like a dysenteric goose
in no time," one doctor told the press."They do wonders with teflon
nowadays and Ivan's new asshole should be totally free of blowback not
to mention that the all new bionic sphincter we've given him is sure
to prevent him from ever soiling his underwear again."
Contacted at his hospital phone, Stang was philosophic about
the incident. "I had piss-poor backup, the Samuels boys sold me out and
I forgot that Jesus was strictly non-violent..I should have know better.
One good thing,my version of things was posted on the Internet first,
so nobody will ever believe the lies of GG Gordon, SPhinx, Sterno or
Pappy Fuck will probably tell later!"
Stang said he plans to return to Austin soon, to preach and once
again attempt to smite the 'meanies'. "This time things are gonna be
different," said the scribe. "I'm taking a complete SLAK squad with me,
those evil, negative bastards are never going to get another shot at
my ass!" Stang is considering putting a bounty on his attackers but
says he's not sure if that's the way to go.Meanwhile he's on a liquid
diet and moving very slowly.He's facing amountain of medical expenses
so those of you who can afford to should send the poor man some cash.
Reember, it's the FINA Fund!!