Subject: Stang still in pain

Date: 18 Apr 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: gggor@io.com (gg gordon)

Organization: Greenehelle

Newsgroups: alt.slack

 

 

Dateline Dallas

 

 

Ivan Stang, self-proclaimed 'scribe' of the Church of the

Sub-Genius is resting in the proctology ward of the County Hospital

where he is undergoing reconstructive rectal surgery. Stang was admitted

in severe condition last Sunday evening after his return from a church

meeting in Austin.

According to Stang his nether regions were damaged by

flying glass while he desperately tried to avoid hitting a child

on a bicycle and was thus involved in a severe automobile accident.

However, other reliable sources have reported that Stang's injuries

occured at the hands of the 'meanies' during a heated discussion

about church policy and protocols. Stang attempted to throw his

weight around and as a result found himself sexually ASSaulted rather

savagely by the very preachers he had come to chastise and discipline.

Doctors reported the damage as 'sexually induced trauma'.

This humbling and humiliating experience lasted most of Saturday night,

and the semi-conscious Stang returned to Dallas in the back seat

of his car, lying on his stomach with ice packs on his anal region.

According to Jesus who did the driving, Stang cried a lot and

complained about 'those big guys' most of the way, likening his

experience to that one time the bigeyed aliens snatched him out

of his bed one night and took him aboard a UFO where he received a

scary and painful rectal examination and probing.

"But at least the aliens lubed me up first, more than I can

say for those damned Doktors," Stang told Jesus.

Doctors at the hospital said Stang's prognosis and prosthesis

were both looking good."He'll be shitting like a dysenteric goose

in no time," one doctor told the press."They do wonders with teflon

nowadays and Ivan's new asshole should be totally free of blowback not

to mention that the all new bionic sphincter we've given him is sure

to prevent him from ever soiling his underwear again."

Contacted at his hospital phone, Stang was philosophic about

the incident. "I had piss-poor backup, the Samuels boys sold me out and

I forgot that Jesus was strictly non-violent..I should have know better.

One good thing,my version of things was posted on the Internet first,

so nobody will ever believe the lies of GG Gordon, SPhinx, Sterno or

Pappy Fuck will probably tell later!"

Stang said he plans to return to Austin soon, to preach and once

again attempt to smite the 'meanies'. "This time things are gonna be

different," said the scribe. "I'm taking a complete SLAK squad with me,

those evil, negative bastards are never going to get another shot at

my ass!" Stang is considering putting a bounty on his attackers but

says he's not sure if that's the way to go.Meanwhile he's on a liquid

diet and moving very slowly.He's facing amountain of medical expenses

so those of you who can afford to should send the poor man some cash.

Reember, it's the FINA Fund!!

 

GGG