Subject: Science Solves Phone Probs

Date: 22 Jun 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: (NENSLO)

Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016

Newsgroups: alt.slack



I heard a commercial on the radio the other day from AT&T, the

telephone conglomerate. You may know they have a service you can pay

extra for, called "call waiting." So when you are on the phone talking to

someone, and somebody else calls, you know it, and can put the person on

hold and take the other call. Well, it turns out that in a whimsical

half-joking way this commercial I heard addresses a fictitious new

ailment called "Call Waiting Anxiety." This is when you are talking on

the phone and somebody calls BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS and you want to

keep talking to the one person but the other person might be a more

important person or one you might want to talk to more than the one you

are talking to BUT YOU DON'T KNOW because you don't know who it is, thus

call waiting anxiety. For which you can purchase a solution called "Call

Waiting I.D." which will tell you who it is that is calling while you are

talking on the phone, and you can decide if you want to talk to them worse

than who you are talking to now.

Then I saw this modem thingie in a computer catalog which not only

identifies your caller, probably even with call waiting, but displays the

information on your computer screen so you don't have to look at your

caller I.D. box, PLUS plays a sound sample of THAT PERSON or if it doesn't

have a sample it simply speaks the caller's name aloud. The purpose? "So

you don't have to run to your caller I.D. box to find out who's calling."

Science's solution to phone probs? Grasping Occam's Razor firmly

in your dominant hand, cut the telephone wire at the point that it enters

your home. Let the end of the wire fall and dangle in the street. It's

not your problem. And all those folks who might be calling while you are

online or on the phone will get the same response they get now, only who

cares? I never once got an angry telegram from somebody who tried for a

whole hour to call me and couldn't get through. But then I am one of

those fools who believes that the phone is for my CONVENIENCE, for me to

use to call people when I want to talk to them, and an answering machine,

or usually EVEN A LINE IN which permits people to call me, is less a

luxury than it is a NUISANCE. I lived with NO phone just dandily except

for the whining of people who were FOILED in their efforts to ANNOY ME at

their vaguest whim, and never wondered what fate befell the imaginary

persons whose nonexistent phone calls I was not receiving.

When I see those billboards which proudly announce that now anyone

can locate me anywhere, any time, THROUGH MY WRISTWATCH, I shudder with






Subject: Re: Science Solves Phone Probs

Date: 30 Jun 1996 00:00:00 GMT

From: (TarlaStar)

Organization: Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy

Newsgroups: alt.slack

References: 1 , 2 , 3 (MegEliz) wrote:


>Reginald Barclay <me@wits.end> wrote:


>: Yesssss. Merely connect your modem to the telephone jack.

>: Disconnect the telephone itself and hurl it into your

>: bedroom closet. Extra points if your modem is set to auto-

>: answer:

>: Telemarketer: "Hi, this is Dave from AT&T; how are --"



>YAH! This would work for everyone except the neighbors who believe

>that they can talk to the dolphins.


>I've been the telephone presence for various companies over the years,

>including running a switchboard, when there used to be such things,

>and this activity has done more to solidify my distaste for stupid

>humans more than any other single thing. It has also made me consider

>slicing the phone cord at home.


No, you must do what Sister Jezebel the Unclean did just this week.

Sr. J still works nights at the Mont, so she likes to get her sleep

in the mornings. For several days running, she had been disturbed by

telemarketers calling the house. One morning, she got a call and in

what can only be described as a Yeti fury, she told them to "Hold on."

set the phone down and got into her car. She DROVE DOWN to the office

where banks of telemarketers were sitting in their carrels making

calls. She announced to the group what her name and phone number was

and told them that if she EVER got another call that she'd sue their

asses into bancruptcy. Basically, she was a madwoman in the finest

tradition of Uberfemmininity. THEN she went home and called every

fucking telemarketing firm in the phone book and demanded in no

uncertain terms that they take her off their lists.


She hasn't been disturbed since.


Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,

A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping

"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986