Subject: Science Solves Phone Probs
Date: 22 Jun 1996 00:00:00 GMT
From: email@example.com (NENSLO)
Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016
I heard a commercial on the radio the other day from AT&T, the
telephone conglomerate. You may know they have a service you can pay
extra for, called "call waiting." So when you are on the phone talking to
someone, and somebody else calls, you know it, and can put the person on
hold and take the other call. Well, it turns out that in a whimsical
half-joking way this commercial I heard addresses a fictitious new
ailment called "Call Waiting Anxiety." This is when you are talking on
the phone and somebody calls BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS and you want to
keep talking to the one person but the other person might be a more
important person or one you might want to talk to more than the one you
are talking to BUT YOU DON'T KNOW because you don't know who it is, thus
call waiting anxiety. For which you can purchase a solution called "Call
Waiting I.D." which will tell you who it is that is calling while you are
talking on the phone, and you can decide if you want to talk to them worse
than who you are talking to now.
Then I saw this modem thingie in a computer catalog which not only
identifies your caller, probably even with call waiting, but displays the
information on your computer screen so you don't have to look at your
caller I.D. box, PLUS plays a sound sample of THAT PERSON or if it doesn't
have a sample it simply speaks the caller's name aloud. The purpose? "So
you don't have to run to your caller I.D. box to find out who's calling."
Science's solution to phone probs? Grasping Occam's Razor firmly
in your dominant hand, cut the telephone wire at the point that it enters
your home. Let the end of the wire fall and dangle in the street. It's
not your problem. And all those folks who might be calling while you are
online or on the phone will get the same response they get now, only who
cares? I never once got an angry telegram from somebody who tried for a
whole hour to call me and couldn't get through. But then I am one of
those fools who believes that the phone is for my CONVENIENCE, for me to
use to call people when I want to talk to them, and an answering machine,
or usually EVEN A LINE IN which permits people to call me, is less a
luxury than it is a NUISANCE. I lived with NO phone just dandily except
for the whining of people who were FOILED in their efforts to ANNOY ME at
their vaguest whim, and never wondered what fate befell the imaginary
persons whose nonexistent phone calls I was not receiving.
When I see those billboards which proudly announce that now anyone
can locate me anywhere, any time, THROUGH MY WRISTWATCH, I shudder with
Subject: Re: Science Solves Phone Probs
Date: 30 Jun 1996 00:00:00 GMT
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (TarlaStar)
Organization: Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy
References: 1 , 2 , 3
email@example.com (MegEliz) wrote:
>Reginald Barclay <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
>: Yesssss. Merely connect your modem to the telephone jack.
>: Disconnect the telephone itself and hurl it into your
>: bedroom closet. Extra points if your modem is set to auto-
>: Telemarketer: "Hi, this is Dave from AT&T; how are --"
>: Your modem: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."
>YAH! This would work for everyone except the neighbors who believe
>that they can talk to the dolphins.
>I've been the telephone presence for various companies over the years,
>including running a switchboard, when there used to be such things,
>and this activity has done more to solidify my distaste for stupid
>humans more than any other single thing. It has also made me consider
>slicing the phone cord at home.
No, you must do what Sister Jezebel the Unclean did just this week.
Sr. J still works nights at the Mont, so she likes to get her sleep
in the mornings. For several days running, she had been disturbed by
telemarketers calling the house. One morning, she got a call and in
what can only be described as a Yeti fury, she told them to "Hold on."
set the phone down and got into her car. She DROVE DOWN to the office
where banks of telemarketers were sitting in their carrels making
calls. She announced to the group what her name and phone number was
and told them that if she EVER got another call that she'd sue their
asses into bancruptcy. Basically, she was a madwoman in the finest
tradition of Uberfemmininity. THEN she went home and called every
fucking telemarketing firm in the phone book and demanded in no
uncertain terms that they take her off their lists.
She hasn't been disturbed since.
Reverend Mutha Tarla, Little Sisters of the Perpetually Juicy,
A Proud Jism Schism of the Church of the SubGenius, Worshipping
"Connie" Dobbs and Juicy Retardo since 1986