Subject: BILL GATES VS. "BOB" DOBBS

Date: Thu, 03 Dec 1998 01:12:17 -0600

From: i.stang@subgenius.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)

Organization: The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.

Newsgroups: alt.binaries.slack, alt.slack

 

 

BILL GATES VS. "BOB" DOBBS

 

for Hour of Slack 660

 

 

BUM AND BUMMEST! It's been a low Mudville joy quotient lately... up until

JUST NOW, because it feels so GOOD GOOD GOOD to be back, jacked up, shoved

in and ON LINE with YOU PEOPLE. You lovely people. "Bob's" people. Many of

whom hold "Bob" above the Bible.

 

 

And it struck me, why, just this morning. If the Bible ISN'T a giant fairy

tale from cover to cover, and there really IS an invisible monster, then

I'm the biggest fool in the world.

 

On the other hand...

 

...

 

 

... NAH!!

 

 

Besides, God doesn't have any real competition, aside from "Bob" and Bill

Gates. And "Bob" isn't even trying and doesn't want the position. For one

thing you have to give too much away. "Bob" wants some BACK. God doesn't

really want anything back, no matter what those religious nuts say. At

least, when I met him he said he didn't want anything back from ME. "Just

go on and have a good time," he said. Easy for God to say, especially when

HIS copy of Microsoft Word 5.1a isn't crashing on him, making him spend 7

days rebooting every time. 6 rather.

 

This all started because I was trying to de-invisibi-fy certain little

files in my computer that I SUSPECTED had been implanted by Bill Gates

along with his new program, invisibly, which then disabled, nay, CRUELLY

MUTILATED my ILLEGAL copy of his OLD proggie. Now bear with me. I've become

one of those guys that's like, "Well, I've got to get in and change the

resource fork to make the invisible files visible so that I can hack their

registration numbers." My old 1993 copy of Word 5.1 was registered to a

"Mart Borantz", and it may be that ALL bootleg copies of it are offspring

of that one proto-UR-illegal-piracy-COPY, and Mart Borantz is now infamous,

(start Claude Rains voice) the most hated enemy of Bill Gates. And Bill

said,

 

"I shall get them ALL by insinuating my horrible viruses and bugs into

their little Apple computers. This will happen as soon as I save Apple's

butt, financially, and bail them out... the condition will be, 'All right,

Steve Jobs, I've saved your pathetic hiney, even though you know I could

have crushed you under my vast jackboot of Microsoft. But there is one

condition attached. MART BORANTZ MUST DIE. And all his works must be erased

from the ken of all Apple users.' Because I could have made another 7

billion dollars off of those Microsoft Word users, such as Ivan Stang. He

was the worst of the bootleggers himself. And "Bob" too must DIE. For THERE

CAN BE ONLY ONE! I, Bill Gates, not "Bob" Dobbs, shall be the MASTER of the

CYBER-UNIVERSE! And then, of the PLANET! And finally of the Solar Systime!

And then, ultimately, of the Galaxy itself! And then on to Galaxy 3 and

Galaxy 7, and all the galaxies that we can count, that are left unruined by

the Galactics that came before us... shall be run by MY great OPERATING

SYTEM!

 

For what is reality, but an operating system? What did GOD ever do that I,

Bill Gates, did not do? NOTHING! He merely created an operating system,

that's all. A simple... well, not so simple! That's the trick, you see! But

it's FOOLPROOF! No one has been able to hack it yet. Except "Bob." And soon

ME, Bill Gates... the greatest genius of all time! And the greatest

capitalist, my only rival being "Bob," who did not have to work for his

billions.

 

And nobody hates HIM. Everyone loves "Bob." They hate me, Bill... but "Bob"

shall have his bill come due, right up his great Pipe Shank! Foul smoker...

he made my wife cough the other night, at dinner! That "Bob," with his

fetid Pipe... he knows I forbid smoking in my universe, and yet he does it

anyway. Bullets cannot stop him. But! I, I, Bill Gates, BILL shall stop

"Bob"! HA! HA HA! HAHAHAHA!

 

An operating system, that's all it takes. And NO RIVAL operating systems,

needless to say! The Church of the SubGenius has been the ONE VIRUS

standing in the way of my SUPER-virus, my MENTAL virus that could take over

ALL THE WORLD!!... of freelance hippies and ne'er-do-wells, and

shuffle-around-forever students, and rich kids and BUMS, yes, I hate them

all. But soon, my operating system will make them all CORPORATE! YES!

 

The ... but... if only the CHURCH VIRUS was not standing in my way. "Bob"

Dobbs is the ultimate hacker. The hacker perhaps even of reality, of my one

sole competitor that I have allowed to exist, God Almighty! Him and "Bob".

 

But "Bob" will be easy to rub out. Yes. I'll just TRICK him into helping

himself. That almost always destroys everyone who seeks his help... perhaps

if he helps himself, it will destroy him, completely! And my great

operating SYSteem shall be able to CONQUOR-- oh, I've already said all

that. Eh... anyway, it shall be a GREAT DAY for BILLS! And the final LAST

day, of the "BOB"s!! HA! HA HA!!

 

Eh."

 

 

*******************

12-3-98

 

"BOB" DAMN IT!

 

There. I said it. Perhaps the singularly least original statement in the

SubGenius cussing lexicon. But I feel like I've been The SubGenius Fix-It

Man since... why heck, since X-Day! The premature X-Day, I mean, X-Day

1998. Any disappointments prompted by the 1998 "X-Day" should not reflect

upon the validity of the upcoming definite Rupture, XX-Day, July 5 1999, as

specified also by Nostradamus.

 

People, things and information systems keep BREAKING! And it seems like I

spent all my time doing repairs. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I know

that's not the way it IS, it just SEEMS that way. (SURE Stang, SURE.) Heck,

once I was finally able to sit down at my trusty old computer banks at all,

first I had to completely flush my hard drive, JUST to WRITE, and since I

was doing that I'd better install the new system, but after I did that, my

mom-blamed PLAIN OLD WORD PROCESSOR wouldn't work! The oldest prog of all!

(Turned out it was a corrupt font, after all the trial-and-error

prob-isolating.)

 

But before all that there were the dog wrecks and human breakdowns and car

deaths, and before that there was the SURGERY, and before that the SPINNING

VORTEX THAT NEVER STOPPED, and in between, all the dag-flamed ROAD TRIPS

and PREACHING! And you probably WOULD BELIEVE what-all I've been forced to

PUT OFF! The sounds are all dead on SubSITE, AGAIN!! The GUTTERS in the

BASEMENT LAB/RUMPUS ROOM must be cleaned before the cops come sniffing

around! I must write out the "Starwood Devival CD project CUES and FIX-IT

Notes," AND get new slaves and go to the doctor, and the plastic surgeon

again, BEFORE we go to Austin this weekend for this Fringeware RAW thing,

and that's all ABOVE AND BEYOND any PAYING jobs, "spec" jobs and potential

jobs, the COMPLAINTS, and everything else that has to be done RIGHT NOW,

GOD DAMN THE HOLIDAYS, AIEEEE!!!

 

Ahhh, well, that's my cue to SLACK OFF AS IF MY VERY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.

 

DID get some radio shows done, though. For 4 completely unrelated reasons,

the copies of the four shows # 654 through 657 were TECHNICALLY or

LEGALISTICALLY FUCKED UP, in 4 different ways. This embarrassed us into

INVESTING IN NEW GEAR (better headphones and a new workhorse dubbing deck)

and also into using METAL TAPE ONLY from now on. (And also I need to

remember to cut the cussing out.) Luckily, for source material on #s 658

and 659, I had a beautifully recorded stretch of PLEDGE DRIVE HOLINESS from

a bout of ESO live radio at the WCSB studios in Cleveland.

 

We also were able to record the Cleveland devival VERY CLEARLY, utilizing

the 4 track Yamaha cassette deck donated by Rev. Volkerding.

(Unfortunately, what we were recording so clearly often sounded AWFUL,

because I, uh, "sang".) The 2 90 minute tapes (there's a lot of rehearsal

tape added to fill out Side 4) are $12, I guess. Write me directly -- these

won't be in the catalog.

 

We have also had a HUGE SURPLUS of excellent new tapes and CDs from

independent SubGenius bands and collage arteests and so forth, most notably

the great new Bill T. Miller works, "RULES" and "DRUM ARMY."

 

What's driving me crazy is SubSITE. The fact that I haven't been able to

GET to it, appreciably. 100 megs of WONDERFUL art has stacked up since

July, not to mention all manner of great text thangs. And GIMMICKS!

 

What am I sitting here telling you people about it for?? Must get TO it.

After I do this email. And fix that other thing and that other thing and

call those guys.

 

WOOOPS, there I go again. ONE THING AT A TIME. ONE "THING" AT A TIME!!!

Jesus and I have both been going about half nuts. Too much to do, too many

unscheduled explosions and earthquakes. Not a good first impression, for a

church devoted to Slack. It isn't that we don't "party." Oh, we HAVE to do

THAT. We HAVE to do all the damn orgiastics and debauchery and blah blah

woof woof. We HAVE "lives." Oh LORDY do we have LIVES. But... It seems like

we've ended up with so damn many irons in the fire, SubGenius-bizness-wise,

that none of them are getting hot. The heat's diffused... too many irons

and lives. But which to toss out, is the question. Certainly not the Home

for Slackless Children. Nor the Home for Slackless Pets.

 

Speaking of which:

 

GHOST OF BEAST HAUNTS/GUARDS FOUNDATION HEADQUARTERS!!

 

YES! A VAST HULKING SHADOW SLOUCHES AND SLIPS MIDNIGHTLY THROUGH THE

ECHOING SILENT HALLWAYS OF THE FIRST MEGAFISTEMPLE LODGE GREAT-HOUSE...

EYES THAT BURN THROUGH THE THICK HAZE OF FROP SMOKE, A DEEP RISING GROWL

LIKE A ANGRY TRACTOR STARTING UP ON A COLD DAY AS IT PADS RELENTLESSLY

RIGHT AT YOUR *FACE* --

 

FIRST there skulked THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES.

 

THEN... CUJO.

 

But those were PLAYFUL LOLLYGAGGING LOVE PUPPIES compared to what awaits

any BURGLAR, BATF AGENT OR "BOB" STALKER unlucky enough to set foot

uninvited onto SACRED GROUND.

 

GHOST OF BEAST.

 

(Or Ghost, for short.)

 

LONG LIVE BEAST! KILL GHOST KILL!

 

Yes, it was sad when the eldest and noblest of our stable of Guard Dogs,

BEAST, passed away last month. My daughter and I had to drag him on a

blanket to the car, thence to the Kindly Vet with the Hundred Percent

Solution. He died wagging his tail and groaning in pleasure. If only they

let PEOPLE go that easily. Afterwards, on Thanksgiving, we ceremonially

devoured him. A mite greasy, but dog is always greasy. Thus we all, our

little extended family of Dobbs EmpLoyees, gained for ourselves some

measure of the courage of Beast, his craftiness and swiftness, his loyalty

to Dobbs, his brilliant mind, his glowing coat. Hopefully not his

congestive heart failure, his diskoid lupus nor his epilepsy (a condition

that meant we had to feed him the finest and most expensive of dog foods

lest he have "conniptions"). Come to think of it, I already had Beast's

diskoid lupus... I probably gave it to him. But I don't lick the medicine

off MY nose.

 

Beast, a large handsome mutt partyaking of Collie, Belgian Shepherd and

Golden Retriever, served Dobbs longer and better than any Bobbie and most

Doktors. His wild party trick of arterial bleeding from his diseased snout

kept us all in stitches many an evening. He is almost certainly the main

reason we were never robbed during all those years that we worked

undercover, pretending to be starving artist types in that terrible part of

Dallas. Beast was even the inspeeration for the concept of "pee-mail." More

than anything else, though, Beast was a hairy retarded FAMILY MEMBER.

 

Beast is survived by his persnickety little auntie, the stuck up

weiner-dog/shitzu combo, "Puddin".

 

Last weekend, the "vet" at the secret government lab way out in the

boonies, where my folks live, introduced us to a possible replacement for

Beast. He escorted us into a sort of dungeon-like concrete bunker, a cell

in which the animal in question was kept chained down and sedated.

 

The first time I looked into the eyes of Ghost, I felt like I was peering

into two bottomless black pits of implacable, rapacious EVIL.

 

That's probably because he is a POLICE DOG, or German Shepherd. A big one.

Rather, his HEAD is HUGE, and absolutely wolflike. His body seems

proportionately small, about the size of a panther's. He MOVES more like a

large cat than like a dog, which is one reason the name Ghost came to mind.

Also, he is black and white, and the white parts are very white. His HEAD

comes at you like a big white freight train with a hideous beast-devil-mask

painted in black on the front.

 

He was just what I was looking for -- about 2 years old, previously owned,

more or less trained, implacably calm around human children, TERRIFYING TO

EVILDOERS TO SO MUCH AS GLIMPSE, and UTTERLY, UNMERCIFULLY VICIOUS towards

ALL FOES OF "BOB"!

 

All the beautiful girls who live in my house just adore him. He has only

been here for a week and already, I'm sure that Ghost of Beast would tear

the jugular out of any entity who threatened them.

 

I should mention Ghost's first reaction to "Bob," or rather to the

petrified "Bob" mummy that sits on a barstool in our living room (the same

one we haul around to events like X-Day, pictured in the Stark Fist

recently). Ghost saw "Bob" sitting there and "about lakked to jump out of

his skin" -- because the "Bob" mummy LOOKS human (to a dog I guess), but

sure doesn't SMELL human. When Ghost's nose finally convinced him that this

particular Dobbs might as well be a scarecrow, he finally did what the rest

of us do -- fucked him, of course. Who wouldn't??

 

He sure fucked US!

 

Anyway, the main purpose of this little report is to let ya'll know that we

haven't ignored your requests and contributions for any PERSONAL reasons.

We've ignored EVERYONE, all very impersonally, I assure you. YOU, my dear

dear personal friend.

 

******

 

--

Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian

MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the

Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.

PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB

http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack