Subject: BILL GATES VS. "BOB" DOBBS
Date: Thu, 03 Dec 1998 01:12:17 -0600
From: email@example.com (Rev. Ivan Stang)
Organization: The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
Newsgroups: alt.binaries.slack, alt.slack
BILL GATES VS. "BOB" DOBBS
for Hour of Slack 660
BUM AND BUMMEST! It's been a low Mudville joy quotient lately... up until
JUST NOW, because it feels so GOOD GOOD GOOD to be back, jacked up, shoved
in and ON LINE with YOU PEOPLE. You lovely people. "Bob's" people. Many of
whom hold "Bob" above the Bible.
And it struck me, why, just this morning. If the Bible ISN'T a giant fairy
tale from cover to cover, and there really IS an invisible monster, then
I'm the biggest fool in the world.
On the other hand...
Besides, God doesn't have any real competition, aside from "Bob" and Bill
Gates. And "Bob" isn't even trying and doesn't want the position. For one
thing you have to give too much away. "Bob" wants some BACK. God doesn't
really want anything back, no matter what those religious nuts say. At
least, when I met him he said he didn't want anything back from ME. "Just
go on and have a good time," he said. Easy for God to say, especially when
HIS copy of Microsoft Word 5.1a isn't crashing on him, making him spend 7
days rebooting every time. 6 rather.
This all started because I was trying to de-invisibi-fy certain little
files in my computer that I SUSPECTED had been implanted by Bill Gates
along with his new program, invisibly, which then disabled, nay, CRUELLY
MUTILATED my ILLEGAL copy of his OLD proggie. Now bear with me. I've become
one of those guys that's like, "Well, I've got to get in and change the
resource fork to make the invisible files visible so that I can hack their
registration numbers." My old 1993 copy of Word 5.1 was registered to a
"Mart Borantz", and it may be that ALL bootleg copies of it are offspring
of that one proto-UR-illegal-piracy-COPY, and Mart Borantz is now infamous,
(start Claude Rains voice) the most hated enemy of Bill Gates. And Bill
"I shall get them ALL by insinuating my horrible viruses and bugs into
their little Apple computers. This will happen as soon as I save Apple's
butt, financially, and bail them out... the condition will be, 'All right,
Steve Jobs, I've saved your pathetic hiney, even though you know I could
have crushed you under my vast jackboot of Microsoft. But there is one
condition attached. MART BORANTZ MUST DIE. And all his works must be erased
from the ken of all Apple users.' Because I could have made another 7
billion dollars off of those Microsoft Word users, such as Ivan Stang. He
was the worst of the bootleggers himself. And "Bob" too must DIE. For THERE
CAN BE ONLY ONE! I, Bill Gates, not "Bob" Dobbs, shall be the MASTER of the
CYBER-UNIVERSE! And then, of the PLANET! And finally of the Solar Systime!
And then, ultimately, of the Galaxy itself! And then on to Galaxy 3 and
Galaxy 7, and all the galaxies that we can count, that are left unruined by
the Galactics that came before us... shall be run by MY great OPERATING
For what is reality, but an operating system? What did GOD ever do that I,
Bill Gates, did not do? NOTHING! He merely created an operating system,
that's all. A simple... well, not so simple! That's the trick, you see! But
it's FOOLPROOF! No one has been able to hack it yet. Except "Bob." And soon
ME, Bill Gates... the greatest genius of all time! And the greatest
capitalist, my only rival being "Bob," who did not have to work for his
And nobody hates HIM. Everyone loves "Bob." They hate me, Bill... but "Bob"
shall have his bill come due, right up his great Pipe Shank! Foul smoker...
he made my wife cough the other night, at dinner! That "Bob," with his
fetid Pipe... he knows I forbid smoking in my universe, and yet he does it
anyway. Bullets cannot stop him. But! I, I, Bill Gates, BILL shall stop
"Bob"! HA! HA HA! HAHAHAHA!
An operating system, that's all it takes. And NO RIVAL operating systems,
needless to say! The Church of the SubGenius has been the ONE VIRUS
standing in the way of my SUPER-virus, my MENTAL virus that could take over
ALL THE WORLD!!... of freelance hippies and ne'er-do-wells, and
shuffle-around-forever students, and rich kids and BUMS, yes, I hate them
all. But soon, my operating system will make them all CORPORATE! YES!
The ... but... if only the CHURCH VIRUS was not standing in my way. "Bob"
Dobbs is the ultimate hacker. The hacker perhaps even of reality, of my one
sole competitor that I have allowed to exist, God Almighty! Him and "Bob".
But "Bob" will be easy to rub out. Yes. I'll just TRICK him into helping
himself. That almost always destroys everyone who seeks his help... perhaps
if he helps himself, it will destroy him, completely! And my great
operating SYSteem shall be able to CONQUOR-- oh, I've already said all
that. Eh... anyway, it shall be a GREAT DAY for BILLS! And the final LAST
day, of the "BOB"s!! HA! HA HA!!
"BOB" DAMN IT!
There. I said it. Perhaps the singularly least original statement in the
SubGenius cussing lexicon. But I feel like I've been The SubGenius Fix-It
Man since... why heck, since X-Day! The premature X-Day, I mean, X-Day
1998. Any disappointments prompted by the 1998 "X-Day" should not reflect
upon the validity of the upcoming definite Rupture, XX-Day, July 5 1999, as
specified also by Nostradamus.
People, things and information systems keep BREAKING! And it seems like I
spent all my time doing repairs. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I know
that's not the way it IS, it just SEEMS that way. (SURE Stang, SURE.) Heck,
once I was finally able to sit down at my trusty old computer banks at all,
first I had to completely flush my hard drive, JUST to WRITE, and since I
was doing that I'd better install the new system, but after I did that, my
mom-blamed PLAIN OLD WORD PROCESSOR wouldn't work! The oldest prog of all!
(Turned out it was a corrupt font, after all the trial-and-error
But before all that there were the dog wrecks and human breakdowns and car
deaths, and before that there was the SURGERY, and before that the SPINNING
VORTEX THAT NEVER STOPPED, and in between, all the dag-flamed ROAD TRIPS
and PREACHING! And you probably WOULD BELIEVE what-all I've been forced to
PUT OFF! The sounds are all dead on SubSITE, AGAIN!! The GUTTERS in the
BASEMENT LAB/RUMPUS ROOM must be cleaned before the cops come sniffing
around! I must write out the "Starwood Devival CD project CUES and FIX-IT
Notes," AND get new slaves and go to the doctor, and the plastic surgeon
again, BEFORE we go to Austin this weekend for this Fringeware RAW thing,
and that's all ABOVE AND BEYOND any PAYING jobs, "spec" jobs and potential
jobs, the COMPLAINTS, and everything else that has to be done RIGHT NOW,
GOD DAMN THE HOLIDAYS, AIEEEE!!!
Ahhh, well, that's my cue to SLACK OFF AS IF MY VERY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
DID get some radio shows done, though. For 4 completely unrelated reasons,
the copies of the four shows # 654 through 657 were TECHNICALLY or
LEGALISTICALLY FUCKED UP, in 4 different ways. This embarrassed us into
INVESTING IN NEW GEAR (better headphones and a new workhorse dubbing deck)
and also into using METAL TAPE ONLY from now on. (And also I need to
remember to cut the cussing out.) Luckily, for source material on #s 658
and 659, I had a beautifully recorded stretch of PLEDGE DRIVE HOLINESS from
a bout of ESO live radio at the WCSB studios in Cleveland.
We also were able to record the Cleveland devival VERY CLEARLY, utilizing
the 4 track Yamaha cassette deck donated by Rev. Volkerding.
(Unfortunately, what we were recording so clearly often sounded AWFUL,
because I, uh, "sang".) The 2 90 minute tapes (there's a lot of rehearsal
tape added to fill out Side 4) are $12, I guess. Write me directly -- these
won't be in the catalog.
We have also had a HUGE SURPLUS of excellent new tapes and CDs from
independent SubGenius bands and collage arteests and so forth, most notably
the great new Bill T. Miller works, "RULES" and "DRUM ARMY."
What's driving me crazy is SubSITE. The fact that I haven't been able to
GET to it, appreciably. 100 megs of WONDERFUL art has stacked up since
July, not to mention all manner of great text thangs. And GIMMICKS!
What am I sitting here telling you people about it for?? Must get TO it.
After I do this email. And fix that other thing and that other thing and
call those guys.
WOOOPS, there I go again. ONE THING AT A TIME. ONE "THING" AT A TIME!!!
Jesus and I have both been going about half nuts. Too much to do, too many
unscheduled explosions and earthquakes. Not a good first impression, for a
church devoted to Slack. It isn't that we don't "party." Oh, we HAVE to do
THAT. We HAVE to do all the damn orgiastics and debauchery and blah blah
woof woof. We HAVE "lives." Oh LORDY do we have LIVES. But... It seems like
we've ended up with so damn many irons in the fire, SubGenius-bizness-wise,
that none of them are getting hot. The heat's diffused... too many irons
and lives. But which to toss out, is the question. Certainly not the Home
for Slackless Children. Nor the Home for Slackless Pets.
Speaking of which:
GHOST OF BEAST HAUNTS/GUARDS FOUNDATION HEADQUARTERS!!
YES! A VAST HULKING SHADOW SLOUCHES AND SLIPS MIDNIGHTLY THROUGH THE
ECHOING SILENT HALLWAYS OF THE FIRST MEGAFISTEMPLE LODGE GREAT-HOUSE...
EYES THAT BURN THROUGH THE THICK HAZE OF FROP SMOKE, A DEEP RISING GROWL
LIKE A ANGRY TRACTOR STARTING UP ON A COLD DAY AS IT PADS RELENTLESSLY
RIGHT AT YOUR *FACE* --
FIRST there skulked THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES.
But those were PLAYFUL LOLLYGAGGING LOVE PUPPIES compared to what awaits
any BURGLAR, BATF AGENT OR "BOB" STALKER unlucky enough to set foot
uninvited onto SACRED GROUND.
GHOST OF BEAST.
(Or Ghost, for short.)
LONG LIVE BEAST! KILL GHOST KILL!
Yes, it was sad when the eldest and noblest of our stable of Guard Dogs,
BEAST, passed away last month. My daughter and I had to drag him on a
blanket to the car, thence to the Kindly Vet with the Hundred Percent
Solution. He died wagging his tail and groaning in pleasure. If only they
let PEOPLE go that easily. Afterwards, on Thanksgiving, we ceremonially
devoured him. A mite greasy, but dog is always greasy. Thus we all, our
little extended family of Dobbs EmpLoyees, gained for ourselves some
measure of the courage of Beast, his craftiness and swiftness, his loyalty
to Dobbs, his brilliant mind, his glowing coat. Hopefully not his
congestive heart failure, his diskoid lupus nor his epilepsy (a condition
that meant we had to feed him the finest and most expensive of dog foods
lest he have "conniptions"). Come to think of it, I already had Beast's
diskoid lupus... I probably gave it to him. But I don't lick the medicine
off MY nose.
Beast, a large handsome mutt partyaking of Collie, Belgian Shepherd and
Golden Retriever, served Dobbs longer and better than any Bobbie and most
Doktors. His wild party trick of arterial bleeding from his diseased snout
kept us all in stitches many an evening. He is almost certainly the main
reason we were never robbed during all those years that we worked
undercover, pretending to be starving artist types in that terrible part of
Dallas. Beast was even the inspeeration for the concept of "pee-mail." More
than anything else, though, Beast was a hairy retarded FAMILY MEMBER.
Beast is survived by his persnickety little auntie, the stuck up
weiner-dog/shitzu combo, "Puddin".
Last weekend, the "vet" at the secret government lab way out in the
boonies, where my folks live, introduced us to a possible replacement for
Beast. He escorted us into a sort of dungeon-like concrete bunker, a cell
in which the animal in question was kept chained down and sedated.
The first time I looked into the eyes of Ghost, I felt like I was peering
into two bottomless black pits of implacable, rapacious EVIL.
That's probably because he is a POLICE DOG, or German Shepherd. A big one.
Rather, his HEAD is HUGE, and absolutely wolflike. His body seems
proportionately small, about the size of a panther's. He MOVES more like a
large cat than like a dog, which is one reason the name Ghost came to mind.
Also, he is black and white, and the white parts are very white. His HEAD
comes at you like a big white freight train with a hideous beast-devil-mask
painted in black on the front.
He was just what I was looking for -- about 2 years old, previously owned,
more or less trained, implacably calm around human children, TERRIFYING TO
EVILDOERS TO SO MUCH AS GLIMPSE, and UTTERLY, UNMERCIFULLY VICIOUS towards
ALL FOES OF "BOB"!
All the beautiful girls who live in my house just adore him. He has only
been here for a week and already, I'm sure that Ghost of Beast would tear
the jugular out of any entity who threatened them.
I should mention Ghost's first reaction to "Bob," or rather to the
petrified "Bob" mummy that sits on a barstool in our living room (the same
one we haul around to events like X-Day, pictured in the Stark Fist
recently). Ghost saw "Bob" sitting there and "about lakked to jump out of
his skin" -- because the "Bob" mummy LOOKS human (to a dog I guess), but
sure doesn't SMELL human. When Ghost's nose finally convinced him that this
particular Dobbs might as well be a scarecrow, he finally did what the rest
of us do -- fucked him, of course. Who wouldn't??
He sure fucked US!
Anyway, the main purpose of this little report is to let ya'll know that we
haven't ignored your requests and contributions for any PERSONAL reasons.
We've ignored EVERYONE, all very impersonally, I assure you. YOU, my dear
dear personal friend.
Copyright 1998 by Rev. Ivan Stang / 1st Orthodox Stangian
MegaFisTemple Lodge of People's Covenant Church of the
Wrath of Dobbs Yeti, Resurrected / The SubGenius Foundation,Inc.
PO Box 140306 Dallas TX 75214 / Fax 214-320-1561 / PRABOB
http://www.subgenius.com -- SubSITE of Slack