My much delayed Travel Report on the UK, Belgium, and Holland

Author:Myrkury <>





I went on a business trip. For some bizzare reason I will now share my

utterly mundane experiences and impressions with you, my beloved



2/7/97 6:00 PM (EST) - I leave JFK on board a Virgin Airlines (but on a

Delta ticket, like it matters FEH!) 747 destined for Heathrow Airport in

the UK.


2/8/97 3:00 AM (GMT) - I pass out while watching "Long Kiss Goodnight

(Goodbye?!?)" Geena Davis is a hottie, I almost regret washing down all

those vallium with a triple vodka.


2/8/97 7:00 AM (GMT) - I clear customs despite some barely English speaking

Pakistani customs agent making snide remarks about the condition of my

passport. He nearly swollows his tongue when I explain to him in Urdu that

the reason my passport is so sweaty is that on my last visit to Pakistan I

had the damn thing taped to my chest for a month because of the base and

theiving character of his countrymen. Just an observation, but it seems to

me that the customs officers at JFK and heathrow are in fact members of the

same oversized clan of South Asians.


2/8/97 9:00 AM Somehow we (My uncle and our business associate Joe)

sucessfully pilot the outrageously expensive and microscopic rental car to

Donnington, about an hour West of Heathrow. Our rooms are not yet ready so

we leave our bags at the reception desk and have breakfast. I immediately

remember that one of the things I hate most about the UK is the wormy

servility of service workers at upscale establishments. I get

uncomfortable around that sort of class conciousness, typically American of



2/8/97 7:00 PM We spent most of the day in the South looking at industrial

sites available for lease. I did manage to sneak in a visit to the H.M.S.

Victory Museum for a tour of Adm. Nelson's Flagship. I reccomend the tour



2/8/97 11:00 PM Having left my associates back at the Hotel I wander down

into Newbury and find a nice pub full of degenerates frothing at the mouth

over the "Prince" Nasim vs. Johnson boxing match. The British seem to

relish virulent jingoism so the patrons of the pub were quite pleased to

have an "enemy-other" present in person. I didn't pay for a pint all



2/9/97-2/10/97 Mind numbingly dull business meetings, 24 hours worth in

two days.


2/11/97 We return to Heathrow and Joe and my uncle fly back to JFK. I

take advantage of British Midlands Airways stunningly cheap flights to the

Continent and go to Brussles. Brussles sucks except for four things:

French Fries (The best in the world by FAR!), Mussles (served with French

Fries), the sculpture collection at the National Art Museum, and the

National Cinema Museum which always has about 8 showings a day of some of

the coolest movies ever. I went to a screening of "Birth of a Nation" with

a live music score provided by a chamber orchestra.


2/12/97 After a leisurely day going around to museums and eating french

fries I take the train to De Louvain. I eat more French Fries there.


2/13/97 I spend the day examining a collection of Arabic documents in the

DeLouvain University library. I find them terribly interesting, you won't.


2/14/97 I take the train to Amsterdam. I check into my favorite hotel, go

to myfavorite hash bar (De Tweede Kammer, near the University) and get

violently stoned. I crawl back to the hotel and spend the rest of the day

and evening watching the cartoon network with the night shift desk manager.

He notices my "BOB" pin and says that an interview with Stang and a 5 min.

piece on the CotSG had aired on the Dutch national evening news a couple of

weeks ago. He tells me that the Dutch clench (they still aint paid but how

can a man who gives a travelling minister free frop be totally pink?) hangs

out at a coffeshop called "Crumb's".


2/15/97 I take a quick train ride to Leiden to do some more obscure

research in Leiden University's manuscript collection. Again I find it

facinating, you won't. Getting back to Amsterdam around dinnertime I get

together with some nice old fogies (friends of the family) and go out to an

Indonesian restaurant for Rijstaffel (Rice-Table). Its a truly spectacular

dish consisting of a mountain of rice with many different bowls full of

tasty morsels embedded in the pile of rice. We had it for eight and there

wer at least 40 different kinds of goodies on the rice. After dinner I go

over to Crumb's and yes indeed they are a rogue clench. The Dutch Church

has some interesting variances from the American parent organization. As

far as they are concerned the Church is an artists co-op with a manifesto

in the French tradition and it is headed by Paul Mavrides. In their

cosmology it is BOB>>Mavrides>>Stang>>Worthless Peons. They gave me free

drugs so "BOB"forbid I should criticize their theology. They ask me about

the Sub-Site and one of them volunteers to bring his computer to the

coffeshop the next day so we can take a look at the site.


2/16/97 I do the museum thing in the morning and go to Crumb's in the

afternoon. The computer is set up and there are about 15 ready and willing

prosylites waiting for my arrival. We get in the "right" frame of mind and

I take them on a guided tour of the Sub-Site. They are VERY impressed with

the site and my explanation eventually segues into a full on Southern

Baptist sermon about how masturbation isn't a sin as long as you think

about cars or money instead of sex while you do it. They decide to have a

Devival and ask me to rant/preach. I tell them I'm leaving on the 18th.

They decide to throw the Devival on monday night (the 17th). In typically

Dutch fashion they are fastidiously organized and it turns out the

Amsterdam proto clench is basically congruent with the Amsterdam Pirate

radio, Performance art, Theater Tech crowd. Within a few hours they have

secured the upstairs of the Milkweg (a performance space known as the

"BlauBar") and begin promoting the thing on pirate radio and with flyers

made up with graphics stolen from the Sub-Site. We get more stoned and

play RISK until 4 AM. I go back to my hotel and go to sleep, a bit

concerned that I live up to expectations. I mean I've never ranted in

front of a group larger than a dozen or so and I'm expecting probably

twenty or so folks to show up. I have tought 250 person lectures, but when

you can ruin somebody's chances of getting into law school they have a

tendency to find you enthralling.


2/17/97 I spend most of the morning and afternoon helping set up for the

devival. It's in a great space, kind of like a very small school

auditorium. Somebody made 35mm slides from some of the material in the art

tunnels and we used several projectors to set up a light show. I met the

bands "SurfMusik" (a Jan & Dean cover group) and "ELVIS" (guess who they

cover) and we decided that After ELVIS played and while SurfMusik set up

some of them would stay on stage and they would provide me with backup

noise and that they would help me out by playing real loud if I sucked. By

this point I was certain that my ministrations would be a disservice to the

Church so I fropped up till I didn't really give a shit. Then people

started arriving. ALOT of people, more than 200. GOOD LOOKING WOMEN!!! I

was so stoned you could have snorted the dandruff off of my shoulders and

gotten a buzz, but damn if I wasn't completely verklempt. I met all kinds

of neat people and distibuted the HOLY PO BOX address to each and all. But

when the time came for me to rant I was speachless. So I wailed and

ululated (tip..learn to ululate..nothing gets attention like a good

ululation, except for the fingenails on blackboard trick) and then, as I

should have known all along, my slack came back. I preached about

epistomolgy and cosmology in my best Robert Tilton mode and by the time I


SATURN AND I LOVE YOUR MONEY!" there actually seemed to be a few people who

were still sorta paying attention. But the Important thing was: I couldn't

have cared less, I mean these folks live in Europe who cares what the hell

they think. I had lots more fun later that evening and if it wasn't for my

pathetic Elizabethan devotion to my wife I coulda gotten in the pants of

some real cute ladies.


2/18/97 I fly home to JFK.


Summary: Holland has a very low Pinkness quotient. The Church should

probably open a field office there. Probably should move the Dallas TX

headquarters there. My guess is the Dutch government would probably

subsidize such a move as well. Holland is a wide open and receptive

market. However I do see some long term difficulties that can be adressed

through proper marketing strategy. The biggest problem is that the Dutch

do not really need to get their slack back. They have lots of slack. I

may have made a move in the right direction when I tried to convince people

that "Taken Back Slack" is far sweeter than raw and unprocessed "Natural



Whatever, this has been my travellog. Hope it brightened your day, even if

it only makes you feel superior about your writing skills.


Rev Myrkury

NO! You may NOT have a kidney.