The Secret Diary of Dave (Not David) Lynch!

As seen by Keith Handy





It was a day like any other day; I left the small town for the IBM compatible in decay.

It all started when that damn alarm clock went, "BZZZZZZZZ!!!!!", which I countered

with a snappy one-liner comeback (probably from "200 Motels"). I got up, showered, and

got dressed, and then at breakfast my Rice Crispies said, "snap, crackle, pop!", so I countered

them with my second

snappy one-liner comeback of the day (probably from "Uncle Meat"). I was on a roll!


As usual I had to wear Mr. Muzzle in "Brownie Baking 101". I don't see why the other

students don't have to wear muzzles! At the end of class, the professor waited for all the other

students to

leave, took off Mr. Muzzle, and said, "any SERIOUS questions, Dave?", which I countered

with a snappy one-liner comeback (probably from "Thing-Fish"). I was told that if I started

acting like

an adult, they might stop treating me like an animal, which I countered with another

snappy one-liner comeback (probably from "Apostrophe"). No brownie points were added to MY chart



My second class is "Freak Appreciation for Uebergeeks 101", and today they didn't put me in

my usual sound-proofed booth. The topic was supposed to be Frank Zappa, but the teacher never

said a word all day! Strangely, everybody was taking notes -- except me. I just sat around


because I had no idea where they were getting their notes from. But I did notice that

whenever I stopped talking, their pens stopped moving. Damn! If only I had realized they were

taking notes from ME, I would have slipped in a little extra "midnight assignment" for the

ladies in

the class! Hindsight . . .


For my last class, I was in my usual special assigned seat, which gives me an electric shock if

I speak.

(The way it works is that it responds to sound pressure.) The other students can sit wherever

they want, so of course, "Loud-Lungs" Larry sat on my left and "Boomy Bruce" sat on my right,

and they were both activating my chair! I thought this was so unjust, me being punished

whenever Larry and Bruce spoke, that I tried protesting in semaphore and sign language.

Unfortunately, the professor knew both semaphore AND sign language well enough to know that I


actually making snappy one-liners (probably from "We're Only In It For The Money"), and

he ignored my writhing body and my pleading puppy-dog face.


(The class is "Silent Languages for Uebergeeks 101", but half the students insist on yelling out


things like, "is this gonna be on the test?" and "is this movie gonna be a cartoon?")


Well, my body is still twitching, my eyes are still bulging, and my hair looks like a smoking

charcoal pom-pom, but I made it home in one piece. Home is where the heart is! I checked my

answering machine, and it said, "Monday, four P.M., you have no new messages", which I

countered with a snappy one-liner comeback (probably from "Lumpy Gravy"). Then I called a secret


number to find out if I had any responses to the personals-ad I had placed, and a recording


"I know I'm just a recording and everything, but do you honestly think anybody wants to be

caught dead dating a uebergeek like you?", which I fumed over for a few seconds . . . then

countered with a snappy one-liner comeback (probably from "You Are What You Is") and hung up



Less than a minute later, the phone rang again, and it was the recording calling back, saying,

"You didn't have to be so insensitive and unthoughtful -- the next time you feel like hanging up

on a

recorded message, I just want you to know that just because I'm only a recording doesn't mean

that I actually want to be treated with no respect whatsoever, and there's plenty of people out


who wouldn't hang up on me just because I'm not REAL like you -- we can't all be made of flesh

and blood, you know!"


I was on the verge of reaching into my bag of Zappa quotes when suddenly, I thought of Sy Borg

and Joe

(my favorite romantic couple of all time), and it occurred to me -- why not date a

recorded message? I couldn't tell if the message was male or female, but then, I'd never been

able to discern gender in anyone else, so what difference would it make? And since this call was


on his/her/its/their bill, I figured I might as well talk to him/her/it/them for a while and

find out what he/she/it/they was/were like!


Well, considering the time it takes to type out all of these pronouns, I think I'll forsake the

diary for the rest of the night. I have to get my four hours of masturbation in and still get a

full night of

sleep before my "Snappy One-Liners for Uebergeeks 101" exam tomorrow morning!




It was over before it could begin. The message finally said, don't you know how to just

TALK without constantly using quotes by Frank Zappa? All I could think was, isn't that like

trying to talk

without using vowels? But I tried not to be argumentive. I tried to say nice things like, "love

your nails"

and "I don't even care if you shave your legs", but finally the voice said, "NO MORE ZAPPA!" and

hung up, and we were through.


So it's back to the newsgroups if I want to have a social life. I hope they don't all reject me,


that I haven't posted anything in a whole day . . . I KNOW!!! I'll post THREE TIMES as much

as usual tomorrow!


That'll win them over!!!