THE SCOOP: Is Jerry Falwell Gay? (fwd)

Author:Pee Kitty <Pkitty@cris.com>

Date:1999/02/15

Forum:alt.slack

 

 

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Date: 15 Feb 1999 16:18:18 -0000

From: The Scoop <bob@bobharris.com>

To: List Member <Pkitty@cris.com>

Subject: THE SCOOP: Is Jerry Falwell Gay?

 

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THE SCOOP for February 15, 1999

___________________________

 

Parents Alert: Is Jerry Falwell Gay?

also: A Theory Even Arlen Specter Can't Believe

=A9 1999 Bob Harris

bob@bobharris.com

 

[] =3D italics

 

 

In the "Parents Alert" section of a recent Jerry Falwell publication,

Tinky-Winky, one of the Teletubbies, has been outed as gay.

 

The shocking evidence:

 

Tinky-Winky has a big inverted triangle on his head.

The U.S. gay community often uses a triangle as a group symbol. =20

 

Tinky-Winky carries a magic bag.

Gays are often stereotyped as carrying purses.

 

Tinky-Winky is purple.

Which is sort of like pink. Not much, but sort of.

 

[Coincidence?] Jerry Falwell thinks not.

 

Then again, the gay community also uses the rainbow flag and the Greek

letter Lambda as symbols, neither of which appear on the show. I live in

West Hollywood and have never once seen a gay man with a purse, outside of

the occasional drag queen in full Streisand mode. And as to purple, on

Earth it's more clearly associated with the British royal family, Welch's

grape juice, and the Minnesota Vikings, none of which is particularly gay,

although if you put all three in a hot tub you're halfway there.

 

Thanks to an immediate national outpouring of derision and common sense,

Falwell is now trying to distance himself from the article. Still,

earlier this week, his spokesperson insisted that Falwell, who admittedly

has never even seen the Teletubbies, was in full agreement with what his

organization published.

 

Of course, you can take three or four isolated facts out of almost

anything and use them to convince yourself of any point you'd like to

make. As we'll soon see.

 

___________

 

But first, let's back up. There are indeed good reasons to fear the

Teletubbies. Homosexuality is not one of them.

 

In the Pre-fab Four's weird little biome, no clear line exists between the

natural and synthetic worlds. Both real and man-made light are present;

both real and man-made plants abound. Even technology and living flesh

are merged, with technology clearly the dominant force. When the pinwheel

spins and a TV signal is broadcast, the Teletubbies are helpless to

resist. All they can do is stop everything, lamely protest with a futile

"uh-oh," and watch passively as their own bodies respond to remote control.

 

Think about it. If George Orwell's [1984] had included children's TV,

this is what it would have looked like.

 

Looking ahead, it's hard to imagine the Teletubbies generation holding any

intuitive qualms about things like human cloning and other genetic

tinkering. And intentionally or not, an entire generation of children is

being taught by example -- before they've learned to speak, before they

can even hold a single critical thought of their own -- that domination

from a monolithic media, controlled elsewhere by an insuperable power, is

the natural order of things.

 

That's hardly a democratic lesson.

 

Not that Jerry Falwell thinks critically about such things.

 

No, Jerry Falwell says he's a man of God. Which means, of course, that he

thinks mostly about sex.

 

Not all the time, granted. When not obsessing about Monica Lewinsky and

Paula Jones and Tinky Winky, Jerry Falwell occasionally finds time to

point out that the anti-Christ is a Jew, rock music is full of backward

Satanic messages, and, according to the "Clinton Chronicles" videotape

this holy man has enthusiastically hawked, President Clinton may very well

command a sinister death squad.

 

But mostly Jerry Falwell thinks about sex.

 

___________

 

Tinky-Winky has a triangle on his head. That's the secret symbol, see.

 

Right. The producers of the Teletubbies put a secret symbol [on top of

the character's head.] That's how they're keeping it secret.

 

Don't anybody look at the character's head, shhh, it's a secret. That's

our secret hiding place: the top of the character's head.

 

See, that's how gays communicate secretly. Giant triangles.

 

Delta Airlines? Gay.

 

The Kansas City Chiefs? Gay.

 

The Play button on your CD? Gay.

 

Fast Forward? Double gay.

 

But it's a secret. Don't anybody tell.

 

That way, only the really hip infants are gonna notice an eight-inch

triangle on top of one character's head.

 

___________

 

Excuse me, but if Jerry Falwell and his evil minions are looking for sex

in the Teletubbies, let me help out here:

 

Dipsy's the one with a [12-inch shaft] sprouting out the top of his skull.

 

What in the hell are Falwell's people looking at? See for yourself.

Dipsy is the John Holmes of children's television.

 

It's enough to give a guy a serious case of Antenna Envy. =20

 

And that's not all. Check out little Po. Po's head is adorned with...

yes, a perfect circle.

 

Hmm. What could this mean? Twelve-inch shaft... perfect circle... OK,

you tell me what's happening on the other side of Teletubbie Hill.

 

[Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-ohhhhhhhh...]

 

In case you think I exaggerate: next time you're in a video store, pick up

a Teletubbies tape and look at the cover. On the very first one I picked

up, Po has her legs spread open as wide as possible, like a Hustler

centerfold, but smarter-looking.

 

[Coincidence?]

 

Still, the character I really feel sorry for is the other one, La-La,

who's stuck with that weird yellow spiral coming out of his head. What

the hell kind of painful apparatus is that to go carrying around? No

wonder Po never goes near him.

 

La-La has either suffered a frightening impact to his spongy tissue, or

that's a giant spirochete on the top of his head. Either way, no Po-jobs

for La-La.

 

So, taking Rev. Falwell at his word, the Teletubbies secret code seems to

be:

 

Tinky-Winky =09gay

Dipsy=09=09=09guy

Po=09=09=09=09girl

La-La=09=09=09diseased, possibly injured, asexual mutant

 

At least now when you catch your two-year-old reading a copy of [Blueboy],

you won't have to wonder how it happened.

 

___________

 

Finally, just to demonstrate you can pull things out of context to make

any case you want to:

 

It's a fact that people who are unsure of their own sexuality often obsess

about the sexuality of others, projecting outward their own innermost

feelings. J. Edgar Hoover, for example, was certain everybody else in

Washington had sexual habits worthy of blackmail precisely because of his

own.

 

Clinical studies confirm that homophobes are often reacting to unresolved

homoerotic feelings of their own (see, for example, "Ellen Is Out: What

Took Us So Long," The Scoop for March 20, 1997, currently archived at

http://www.goodthink.com/harris/bh.ellen.html).

 

So. Is Jerry Falwell's interest in Tinky-Winky's sexuality really just

his way of trying to tell us something? Is Jerry Falwell secretly gay?

Consider the following...

 

Jerry Falwell's books include

 

=95 Church Aflame

=95 Stepping Out On Faith

=95 When It Hurts Too Much To Cry

 

Jerry Falwell personally

 

=95 has been voted three times as one of the 10 Most Admired Men in America

-- by Good Housekeeping magazine

=95 tried to put Larry Flynt, one of the world's leading heterosexual

pornographers, out of business

=95 has never had sex with Jessica Hahn

 

And anagramming the names of Falwell's organizations, we find

 

LIBERTY CHRISTIAN ACADEMY

Libertine days at rich YMCA

 

LYNCHBURG BAPTIST COLLEGE

Pat... clench... bugger... Still, boy! =20

 

TRINITY UNIVERSITY MAIN CAMPUS

I'm a sly pervert in a muni city bus

 

And according to his own website, Falwell is "regularly seen driving

around the {Liberty University} campus in his Suburban truck... he is

affectionately called "Jerry" by most of the students, many of whom he

knows by name."

 

Ewwwwwww.

 

Clearly (and taken just as misguidedly out of context), Jerry Falwell is

at [least] as great a danger to children as Tinky-Winky. =20

 

Parents Alert! indeed.

 

___________________________

 

GOP Senator Arlen Specter made headlines this week by announcing in

advance that he intended to cross party lines and vote Not Guilty in the

Clinton impeachment proceedings.

 

Arlen Specter said he didn't think the prosecution theory concerning the

Obstruction of Justice charge was proven.

 

Excuse me?

 

[Arlen Specter] says the GOP theory is too implausible to believe?

 

Dudes, 35 years ago Arlen Specter was an attorney for the Warren

Commission. Arlen Specter is the guy who invented the Magic Bullet Theory.

 

To this day, Arlen Specter still says with a straight face that on

November 22, 1963, one bullet, Commission Exhibit number 399:

 

a) swooped down on JFK's motorcade from the Texas School Book Depository,

launched by one of the worst shooters to ever serve in the U.S. military

from a notoriously inaccurate rifle -- which some of the finest marksmen

in the world could operate only poorly, even in rigged tests with practice

and major repairs -- on a mission from God...

 

b) attacked John Kennedy in the back -- punching perfectly-aligned holes

in the back of his coat and shirt, both of which are visible in photos of

the clothing, and matching the location of the entrance wound on the

original autopsy notes -- even though the official entrance wound is a

full six inches higher, in the back of JFK's neck -- so either there's two

gunmen or JFK was watching Beavis and Butthead and decided to play

Cornholio for an instant that wasn't recorded by the Zapruder film...

 

c) exited the front of Kennedy's throat, leaving a wound every single

doctor in Dallas characterized as an entrance wound, which would mean

another gunman firing from the front (although gee, it's not like doctors

in Dallas know anything about bullet wounds -- Texas is just the only

state in the country where you can win a semi-automatic rifle for 25 cents

in the crane game at Shoney's, just beneath the fuzzy dice and the big

silk heart that says I Wuv You)...

 

d) proceeded to smash into John Connally's back, although if we accept

Connally's own account, not until about 1.6 seconds later, during which

time the bullet apparently just... [hung out], maybe hovering in midair,

waiting for some sort of all clear-signal (during which time, come to

think of it, Jackie could have reached over and simply grabbed the bullet

out of the air and saved Governor Connally a lot of bother)...

 

e) suddenly remembered why it was there, slamming into Connally,

shattering his fifth rib...

 

f) proceeded out past the Governor's right nipple and attacked the right

wrist, blasting apart the radius bone, one of the hardest bones in the

human body...

 

g) wounded Governor Connally in the left thigh...

 

h) and remained in the thigh until finally wriggling out of its own

volition on arrival at the hospital, to be found not [on] a stretcher but

[between layers] of a stretcher -- and very possibly not even Connally's

stretcher -- managing to clean itself of any trace of blood, bone, tissue,

or fabric, and disguise itself sufficiently that the first three men to

handle the bullet declined under oath to confirm it was the same one

placed into evidence.

 

Y'know, it's a miracle this bullet isn't still in Dealey Plaza killing

people to this very day.

 

That, in short, is Arlen Specter's Single Bullshit -- er, sorry -- Bullet

Theory.

 

Arlen Specter even says that's it's more than just a theory. Arlen

Specter says it's a proven fact.

 

And even [Arlen freaking Specter] couldn't vote for the House Managers'

case.

 

I wonder what he thinks about whether or not Tinky-Winky is gay...