Subject: Perky Postulations for the Bold & Vulgar
Date: 25 Mar 1999 00:00:00 GMT
Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion
And NOW This Added Distraction! "Jr. SmartAsses List O' Horrific
Questions To Suddenly Ask During Interviews"
*Have you ever exuded a really awful odor that made people on the
street turn and stare in disgust, I mean, like a deeply sick, strange,
putrid stench that came seemingly from nowhere, like you'd had a bad
reaction to some odd tropical fruit that sent your deodorant screaming
into the night, a smell that was far worse than anything a
burrito-inhaling pig like myself ever DREAMED of emitting, a sort of
buried-in-a-tennis-shoe-for-a-month/diarrheic DEATH smell that all
but made birds & insects drop from the air? Well, have you?
*Have you ever had an intimate encounter with an alien or
heavenly messenger that caused you to put out with a golden aura that
attracted photographers from the Enquirer?
*Ever done it with a farm animal? How about a Congressman?
*Got any repulsive growths on you that we can't see unless you take
off some underclothing? Will you show it for a dollar?
*Have you ever gotten really sick at a restaurant, I mean, so
violently ill that you threw up in your plate and couldn't stop and
were hurling chunks so badly that people at other tables started
barfing too and even the waiters and everyone just heaved and
ralphed until you all wished you were dead? Did you leave a nice
tip afterwards? Did you ever go back later?
*Have you ever stolen something from a store even though you had
money for it, like walking out of a Wal-Mart with a piece of cheapo
kid jewelry in your pocket or a new pair of shoes, leaving your old
stinky ones behind and just brazenly marching out the door or
pocketing a CD, even a crappy one you didn't want, like that
Pat Boone heavy metal abortion, just for the trashy thrill of it?
Did you ever get caught at it? Did you fight the security people?
Ever steal a box of condoms, rubber gloves or some KY Jelly?
*Have you ever given money or food to a wino? Do you like to
frequent places where 'street people' congregate? Have you ever written
anything nasty on a bathroom wall? Anything witty? Have you ever used a
can of spray paint or a Marks-A-Lot to draw a moustache or genitalia on
a poster of someone famous? Ever deface a public monument, particularly
in a sexual manner calculated to shock passersby?
*Have you ever made a loud, weird, disturbing sound in a grocery store
aisle when you were the only one in it, even though there were other
people in the store? Did you check out people's faces to see if they'd
reacted to it? Did you ever mash the hell out of some Twinkies or a
package of meat or those little squares of Brewer's Yeast squares in the
refrigerated cookie section just to gross out others who'd see them
after you were long gone? Ever drop some fresh fruit or an opened
package of hamburger behind a display so the smell of it rotting would
gradually taint the shopping experiences of the innocent?
*Ever let loose with a stream of vile cursing or frightening, gargling,
insane animal noises when a creditor calls the house? Ever send
startling filthy pictures to an organization that mailed you a request
for money in the name of a charitable cause? Have you ever sent
something awful, like fishing worms or mashed-up food to a political
candidate's headquarters? Ever called a live talk show and asked to be
tied up and beaten unmercifully because you were having dirty thoughts
about the host of the show? Have you ever sprayed food on someone
because a joke caught you unawares?
*Could you kill someone if the conditions were right, like if you
had to defend a loved one from an attack by some kind of maniac?
Would you be willing to kill a politician or stand-up comic you
really hated? Would you enjoy 'pulling the switch' on a known
vicious criminal? How about if it was ME in the chair, knowing me
only through what you've seen so far? How about Iceknife?
How about Mom and/or Dad? How about ICEKNIFE'S Mom & Dad?
*Did you ever smash a frog with a brick when you were a kid? How
about when you were much older? How about last month, after that
big rain that came up? Would you like a coupon for some free
Depends? Would you eat a small beetle for $100?
*Have you ever considered whacking yourself in the head with a
body mallet such as those found in body repair shops in an attempt
to break yourself of the bad habit of lurking around newsgroups?
"Bob" was breathin' down my neck while I did this. It kinda tickled,
but I LIKED it! Love that "Bob!"
HellPope Huey, Radio Doktor, SynthMeister,
'Righter, Frop-Tester, 1st-Class SexHurtMaster
& Dobbster since 1981
"aS CrAzY aS yOu & tWiCe aS dAnGeRoUS wItHouT MeDiCaTioN"