Subject: Perky Postulations for the Bold & Vulgar

Date: 25 Mar 1999 00:00:00 GMT

From: hellpope_huey@my-dejanews.com

Organization: Deja News - The Leader in Internet Discussion

Newsgroups: alt.slack

 

 

 

And NOW This Added Distraction! "Jr. SmartAsses List O' Horrific

Questions To Suddenly Ask During Interviews"

 

*Have you ever exuded a really awful odor that made people on the

street turn and stare in disgust, I mean, like a deeply sick, strange,

putrid stench that came seemingly from nowhere, like you'd had a bad

reaction to some odd tropical fruit that sent your deodorant screaming

into the night, a smell that was far worse than anything a

burrito-inhaling pig like myself ever DREAMED of emitting, a sort of

broccoli/beer/sweat/small-animal-died-in-my-colon/monkey-brain-

buried-in-a-tennis-shoe-for-a-month/diarrheic DEATH smell that all

but made birds & insects drop from the air? Well, have you?

*Have you ever had an intimate encounter with an alien or

heavenly messenger that caused you to put out with a golden aura that

attracted photographers from the Enquirer?

*Ever done it with a farm animal? How about a Congressman?

*Got any repulsive growths on you that we can't see unless you take

off some underclothing? Will you show it for a dollar?

*Have you ever gotten really sick at a restaurant, I mean, so

violently ill that you threw up in your plate and couldn't stop and

were hurling chunks so badly that people at other tables started

barfing too and even the waiters and everyone just heaved and

ralphed until you all wished you were dead? Did you leave a nice

tip afterwards? Did you ever go back later?

*Have you ever stolen something from a store even though you had

money for it, like walking out of a Wal-Mart with a piece of cheapo

kid jewelry in your pocket or a new pair of shoes, leaving your old

stinky ones behind and just brazenly marching out the door or

pocketing a CD, even a crappy one you didn't want, like that

Pat Boone heavy metal abortion, just for the trashy thrill of it?

Did you ever get caught at it? Did you fight the security people?

Ever steal a box of condoms, rubber gloves or some KY Jelly?

*Have you ever given money or food to a wino? Do you like to

frequent places where 'street people' congregate? Have you ever written

anything nasty on a bathroom wall? Anything witty? Have you ever used a

can of spray paint or a Marks-A-Lot to draw a moustache or genitalia on

a poster of someone famous? Ever deface a public monument, particularly

in a sexual manner calculated to shock passersby?

*Have you ever made a loud, weird, disturbing sound in a grocery store

aisle when you were the only one in it, even though there were other

people in the store? Did you check out people's faces to see if they'd

reacted to it? Did you ever mash the hell out of some Twinkies or a

package of meat or those little squares of Brewer's Yeast squares in the

refrigerated cookie section just to gross out others who'd see them

after you were long gone? Ever drop some fresh fruit or an opened

package of hamburger behind a display so the smell of it rotting would

gradually taint the shopping experiences of the innocent?

*Ever let loose with a stream of vile cursing or frightening, gargling,

insane animal noises when a creditor calls the house? Ever send

startling filthy pictures to an organization that mailed you a request

for money in the name of a charitable cause? Have you ever sent

something awful, like fishing worms or mashed-up food to a political

candidate's headquarters? Ever called a live talk show and asked to be

tied up and beaten unmercifully because you were having dirty thoughts

about the host of the show? Have you ever sprayed food on someone

because a joke caught you unawares?

*Could you kill someone if the conditions were right, like if you

had to defend a loved one from an attack by some kind of maniac?

Would you be willing to kill a politician or stand-up comic you

really hated? Would you enjoy 'pulling the switch' on a known

vicious criminal? How about if it was ME in the chair, knowing me

only through what you've seen so far? How about Iceknife?

How about Mom and/or Dad? How about ICEKNIFE'S Mom & Dad?

*Did you ever smash a frog with a brick when you were a kid? How

about when you were much older? How about last month, after that

big rain that came up? Would you like a coupon for some free

Depends? Would you eat a small beetle for $100?

*Have you ever considered whacking yourself in the head with a

body mallet such as those found in body repair shops in an attempt

to break yourself of the bad habit of lurking around newsgroups?

Me too!

 

"Bob" was breathin' down my neck while I did this. It kinda tickled,

but I LIKED it! Love that "Bob!"

 

HellPope Huey, Radio Doktor, SynthMeister,

'Righter, Frop-Tester, 1st-Class SexHurtMaster

& Dobbster since 1981

"aS CrAzY aS yOu & tWiCe aS dAnGeRoUS wItHouT MeDiCaTioN"