Many times an acolyte in the Church of the Subgenius has asked, "What is

it that makes these straps so special, anyway? How are they different

from these handcuffs I got from the police station the last time they

arrested me for threatening a public figure?" Now, the knowing

Subgenius may let out a condescending laugh here, but be warned that

naivety is no vice; remember, it is commanded that we are to experience

everything as though we are experiencing it for the first time. So the

proper response is to try to enlighten the poor acolyte, which the rest

of this article shall attempt to do.

 

For starters, one must know the five important types of the BIG RED (or

green, or whatever colour- the differences between the straps of

different colours will be discussed at another time) STRAPS. These are:

hemp, leather, rubber, iron, and plastic. Each of these possesses

unique spiritual qualities, and knowing the appropriate situation to use

each of these is essential.

 

Hemp is the only one of the Straps to impart the Sacred Rope Burns.

These most visible marks of enlightenment also provide the most negative

feedback from normals, so when one wishes to repel normals this ritual

is recommended. It is also the most twisty of the Straps, and can

provide support and guidance to a variety of odd position. Some

Subgenii use a form of hemp as a ritual device when 'frop is temporarily

unavailable. The filthiness and impurity of the black smoke is

emblematic of the state of debasement every Subgenius should strive to

achieve. In related developments, it has been claimed by some that rope

can be woven from the 'frop plant, but usage of the herb for this

purpose is generally considered a waste of a perfectly good substance,

so it has never been tested in public. If you're foolhardy enough to

use some perfectly good 'frop to form a rope, be sure to let me know the

results for future updates.

 

Leather Straps are formulated from the hide of the cow- not actually the

cow in this case, but an evolutionary contemporary of it inhabiting the

Dobbstown area. Being wrapped in animal skin reminds us of our prime

animalistic nature, and reveals to us the great tensile strength that

can come from the ancient secrets of the Yeti.

 

Rubber Straps exhibit a very smooth texture, and emit a shiny glimmer.

Subgenii LOVE shiny things. It's also good for bouncing on, reminding

us that Slack can also be derived from emergentile kinetic energy. No

other Straps combine the qualities of opaquity and complete revelation

of the physical form in such a successful manner. This shows the

watchful Subgenius the inner truth that can be found in that which is so

commonplace as to be impervious to being pondered, and the transcendence

which can be achieved by taking note of the irregularities and features

of the Veil of Maya itself. Important warning: Never mix the rubber

straps with any of the Holy Anointing Oils. Bad mojo.

 

Iron represents the cold, inflexible, and unyielding nature of the

Subgenius. While the Iron Straps are inescapable, they don't have the

snug, constrictive fit possible with the other straps, unless the iron

is heated to a molten shape and then formed around the body- an action

which is NOT RECOMMENDED except in Yeti who have mastered the mystic art

of Heat Imperviousness. The iron has been observed to have its greatest

effect when cold, however. Shrinkage of certain body parts often

occurs, nipples often become erect, and goosebumps form. These straps

are seldom the focus of a Subgenius ceremony, but are used to put the

wearer in the mood for the most extreme forms of enlightenment, and

often can take the form of simple shackles.

 

Plastic represents the modern and innovative nature of the Subgenius.

It is also frequently transparent, allowing easy view of body parts to

the voyeuristic and serving as a reminder that nothing can be hidden

from the Third Nostril of "Bob". Its synthetic nature reminds us that

not all truth comes from the wilds, but further that we can either

enslave technology, be enslaved by it, or best yet, both simultaneously.

A variant of the Plastic Straps is Saran Wrap. This allows a VERY snug

fit, but does not allow for the passage of oxygen in most cases.

Mishaps with Saran Wrap can serve as a reminder not to be smothered by

the Conspiracy.

 

A few final words of warning: First off, recall that under NO

CIRCUMSTANCES are any of the preceding Straps to be used on Normals.

 

For routine torture and destruction any kind of standard gear from

Bondage-O-Rama will do the trick. The Straps are intended for Holy

Subgenius Rituals alone, and misuse can have extremely unsavory

consequences! Secondly, we here at the Internet Nucleus for Ritual

Information bear NO RESPONSIBILITY for unpleasant actions resulting from

the use of these straps, and we refuse to provide any information on the

whereabouts or availability of said straps. Thirdly, keep in mind that

the various labels applied to the types of straps do not apply to the

actual content of the straps, which is very difficult to reproduce in

chemical terms, but instead is a similitude of their qualities in

interacting with Yeti flesh.

 

That having been said, enjoy!

--

GOD IS NOT MOCKED[Note: originally posted to alt.music.pink-floyd]