The computers here at the InstiToot have been chugging away,
extrapolating from current trends to try to figure out just
what advice would be best to put into our forthcoming Post
X-day Survival Manual. And so far what's foremost in their
vast silicon minds -- and so quite likely in many carbon
beings' minds -- is WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE?
THAT, I can have you answer for yourself, quite easily.
First will come the Saucers of Removal. If you don't have
your membership/trip ticket from the Subgenius Foundation,
this doesn't concern you. And if you DO... well, it;s kind of
like knowing what the weather is going to be like tomorrow. You
can know ALL ABOUT it, but you can't do a DAMN THING about it.
Immediately following the Removal of the True To "Bob" will
come the Saucers of Cleansing. All who remain behind will get
a dose of -- well, try this out.
Center the rectangle below in your monitor.
Get some glass cutters. Cut out the rectangle from your
monitor screen. Don't cut quite all the way through yet, just
Once the glass is etched through almost all the way, turn the
brightness and contrast up all the way, place your mouth over the
rectangle and PUSH the glass in real hard.
In a brief moment, the vacuum inside the CRT will such the glass in,
along with your mouth. You will get a blast of electron beam down the
throat, at about 20,000 volts. Some of the beam will refract from some
of the glass backing of the CRT, and you'll also get a dose of the
X-rays that your CRT front shield usually protects you from.
The tube will then implode; the front will cave in from the air
pressure on the outside pressing in the cracked glass. The last
blast of the electron gun will send that 20 KV charge through you
seeking ground. The glass and air will fill in that vacuum so
suddenly that it will compress there, and then come rushing back
out in a sonic rebound, flinging glass shards through your face. Those
pieces that were previously the CRT screen will be covered with the
phosphors. This stuff has a nasty reputation for preventing any
coagulation or healing in any tissues they get into, so the open
wounds they cause will stay open forever.
And in just a fraction of a second, all this will happen,
and then be over.
Is this what X-day will be like for those that stay behind?
You'll be BEGGING your BRAIN to TRY TO RECALL something as
PEACEFUL and PLEASANT as the above, while horrors ORDERS OF
MAGNITUDE WORSE plague you INTERMINABLY WITHOUT RESPITE.
Your NIGHTMARES will crawl fully formed from your forehead,
ripping your face with ghostly claws and PEEING in your BURNED
OUT EYE SOCKETS.
The centers of your brain which control attention and top-down
control of the sensitivity of the pain receptors through your
body will be MANGLED and TURNED ON FULL, so your EVERY SENSATION
will be UNBEARABLE and you will be unable to draw your mind away
from it. Like wise, your reward center will be fried, so you will
never again feel ANYTHING GOOD, and your endorphin system will be
disabled so you WILL NEVER be able to stop feeling anything bad.
Your genetically instilled PRIMAL FEARS and your own special brand
of PERSONAL PRIVATE PHOBIA "Winston Smith Special" TERRORS will
precede, punctuate and CONSUME EACH AND EVERY THOUGHT.
FOR E V E R.
Hell hath NO FURY when compared to the Cleansing.
We can't imagine its full extent. I can't describe it, and you
couldn't understand it if I did.
WHY? WHY must this happen? To satisfy the X-ists demand for
TORTURED SOULS. For only with THESE can they pay off the
Yacatisma and prevent THEM from destroying us AND THEM.
Now, if it were to really happen in this way, all it would be
is a matter of the X-ists doing what the Yacatisma would, before
they could get to us. But the X-ist technology can prevent that by
making the Cleansing last FOREVER.
They will install in each and every soul unlucky enough to survive
a complete set of running memory that will make you believe everything
is JUST DANDY, that LIFE IS GOOD and ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE BRAVE NEW
While your REAL self writhes in the agony it cannot comprehend and
no longer has the ability to express. THIS they will drain from your
empty, programmed carcass day after day, bottle up much as we do the
Church Air today, and ship it off to PAY the YACATISMA TRIBUTE.
The X-ists get the planet, so they're happy. The Yacatisma get your
pain, so they're happy (or what passes for happy in those unspeakably
dark metallic minds), and you -- aw, hell, you won't know any better.
You'll think everything is JUST GRAND, that NOTHING COULD BE BETTER.
Unless there's some minute flaws in the X-ists brainwipe technology
that lets just the barest glimmer of the awful truth trickle into
your new "brain", ANY amount of which would FRY YOU INSTANTLY.
So, hey, DON'T send that $30. Don't even send the $1 for the pamphlet.
WHY RISK MONEY?
Because just maybe the above is true, and just maybe what they say
about the SOUL is true -- that it's IMMORTAL, it CAN'T DIE.
You didn't think the X-ists would come all this way for some
drive-thru fast soul food, did you?
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist
ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius
If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.