The computers here at the InstiToot have been chugging away,

extrapolating from current trends to try to figure out just

what advice would be best to put into our forthcoming Post

X-day Survival Manual. And so far what's foremost in their

vast silicon minds -- and so quite likely in many carbon

beings' minds -- is WHAT WILL IT BE LIKE?

 

THAT, I can have you answer for yourself, quite easily.

First will come the Saucers of Removal. If you don't have

your membership/trip ticket from the Subgenius Foundation,

this doesn't concern you. And if you DO... well, it;s kind of

like knowing what the weather is going to be like tomorrow. You

can know ALL ABOUT it, but you can't do a DAMN THING about it.

 

Immediately following the Removal of the True To "Bob" will

come the Saucers of Cleansing. All who remain behind will get

a dose of -- well, try this out.

 

Center the rectangle below in your monitor.

 

Get some glass cutters. Cut out the rectangle from your

monitor screen. Don't cut quite all the way through yet, just

almost.

-----------------------

|XXXXXXXXXXXX|

|XXXXXXXXXXXX|

|XXXXXXXXXXXX|

|XXXXXXXXXXXX|

|XXXXXXXXXXXX|

-----------------------

Once the glass is etched through almost all the way, turn the

brightness and contrast up all the way, place your mouth over the

rectangle and PUSH the glass in real hard.

 

In a brief moment, the vacuum inside the CRT will such the glass in,

along with your mouth. You will get a blast of electron beam down the

throat, at about 20,000 volts. Some of the beam will refract from some

of the glass backing of the CRT, and you'll also get a dose of the

X-rays that your CRT front shield usually protects you from.

 

The tube will then implode; the front will cave in from the air

pressure on the outside pressing in the cracked glass. The last

blast of the electron gun will send that 20 KV charge through you

seeking ground. The glass and air will fill in that vacuum so

suddenly that it will compress there, and then come rushing back

out in a sonic rebound, flinging glass shards through your face. Those

pieces that were previously the CRT screen will be covered with the

phosphors. This stuff has a nasty reputation for preventing any

coagulation or healing in any tissues they get into, so the open

wounds they cause will stay open forever.

 

And in just a fraction of a second, all this will happen,

and then be over.

 

Is this what X-day will be like for those that stay behind?

 

heh.

 

YOU WISH

 

You'll be BEGGING your BRAIN to TRY TO RECALL something as

PEACEFUL and PLEASANT as the above, while horrors ORDERS OF

MAGNITUDE WORSE plague you INTERMINABLY WITHOUT RESPITE.

Your NIGHTMARES will crawl fully formed from your forehead,

ripping your face with ghostly claws and PEEING in your BURNED

OUT EYE SOCKETS.

 

The centers of your brain which control attention and top-down

control of the sensitivity of the pain receptors through your

body will be MANGLED and TURNED ON FULL, so your EVERY SENSATION

will be UNBEARABLE and you will be unable to draw your mind away

from it. Like wise, your reward center will be fried, so you will

never again feel ANYTHING GOOD, and your endorphin system will be

disabled so you WILL NEVER be able to stop feeling anything bad.

 

Your genetically instilled PRIMAL FEARS and your own special brand

of PERSONAL PRIVATE PHOBIA "Winston Smith Special" TERRORS will

precede, punctuate and CONSUME EACH AND EVERY THOUGHT.

FOR E V E R.

 

Hell hath NO FURY when compared to the Cleansing.

We can't imagine its full extent. I can't describe it, and you

couldn't understand it if I did.

 

WHY? WHY must this happen? To satisfy the X-ists demand for

TORTURED SOULS. For only with THESE can they pay off the

Yacatisma and prevent THEM from destroying us AND THEM.

Now, if it were to really happen in this way, all it would be

is a matter of the X-ists doing what the Yacatisma would, before

they could get to us. But the X-ist technology can prevent that by

making the Cleansing last FOREVER.

 

They will install in each and every soul unlucky enough to survive

a complete set of running memory that will make you believe everything

is JUST DANDY, that LIFE IS GOOD and ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE BRAVE NEW

WORLD.

 

While your REAL self writhes in the agony it cannot comprehend and

no longer has the ability to express. THIS they will drain from your

empty, programmed carcass day after day, bottle up much as we do the

Church Air today, and ship it off to PAY the YACATISMA TRIBUTE.

 

The X-ists get the planet, so they're happy. The Yacatisma get your

pain, so they're happy (or what passes for happy in those unspeakably

dark metallic minds), and you -- aw, hell, you won't know any better.

You'll think everything is JUST GRAND, that NOTHING COULD BE BETTER.

Unless there's some minute flaws in the X-ists brainwipe technology

that lets just the barest glimmer of the awful truth trickle into

your new "brain", ANY amount of which would FRY YOU INSTANTLY.

So, hey, DON'T send that $30. Don't even send the $1 for the pamphlet.

 

WHY RISK MONEY?

Why?

Because just maybe the above is true, and just maybe what they say

about the SOUL is true -- that it's IMMORTAL, it CAN'T DIE.

You didn't think the X-ists would come all this way for some

drive-thru fast soul food, did you?

 

--

(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Doktor DynaSoar Iridium, Scienfictiontologist

ll ll Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot, Somedamnwhere, VA

Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, ElectroChurch of the SubGenius

If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.